1　I can remember that 我能记得住

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?” He replied, “To the kitchen.” She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” He replied, “Sure.” She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” He said, “No, I can remember that.” She then said, “Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.” He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She replied, “Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you’d better write it down.” With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down. I can remember that.” He then fumed into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, “You forgot my toast.”

一对80岁的老夫妇记性不好，所以他们决定到医生那去作一次检查，看看有什么问题没有。医生给他们作了全面检查，告诉他们身体并没有什么问题。不过，建议他们以后用笔把事情写下来，以帮助他们记忆。他们谢了医生就回家了。

这天晚上看电视的时候，丈夫从他的椅子里站起来。妻子问他：“你到哪里去？”他说：“去厨房。”妻子问：“你能不能给我拿一碗冰淇淋？”他说：“当然可以。”妻子问他：“你是不是觉得应该写下来，免得忘记？”丈夫说：“不用，我能记得住。”妻子接着说：“不过，我还想放一些草莓在上面。你最好还是写下来。我知道你会忘记的。”丈夫说：“我能记得住。你是要一碗冰淇淋加草莓。”妻子接着说：“不过，我还想在上面放一些奶油。我知道你会忘记的。你最好是写下来。”丈夫不悦地说：“我不需要写下来。我能记得住。”他气呼呼地进了厨房。20分钟以后，丈夫从厨房回来了，递给妻子一盘煎腌肉和鸡蛋。妻子盯着盘子看了一会儿，说：“你忘了我的烤面包了。”

2　A Good Excuse 找借口

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for nice evening drive. As the needle jumped up to 100 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way that cop can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself, and proceeded to open her up further. The needle hit 110, 120… Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What in the world am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, I just might let you go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

一个家伙买了一辆奔驰车。想趁着天黑，到州际高速公路上过把瘾。当指针指向时速100英里的时候，他突然看见后面有闪光的警车跟着他。他对自己说：“警车不可能追上奔驰。”就猛踩油门继续加速。指针指向时速110，120……刹那间，现实回到他的头脑中，他对自己说：“我这到底是在干什么呀？”于是把车停在路边。警察走过来，一言不发，对他的驾驶执照和汽车审视了半天，然后说：“这一天好长。我快下班了。今天又是13号星期五。我不想再开罚单了。如果你能给我一个好的、我从来没有听说过的借口，为什么开快车，我或许会放你一码。”这个家伙想了一下，说：“上个星期我老婆跟一个警察私奔了。刚才我是怕你要把她送回来。”警察说：“祝你周末愉快！”

3　They’re looking for me 他们正在找我

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, “Hello?” The boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes,” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growingly concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”

一个大公司的老板要找他的一个雇员来公司解决一台主计算机的紧急故障。他打电话到那个雇员的家里。接电话的是一个小男孩：“哈罗。”老板问：“你爸爸在家吗？”小男孩的耳语声：“在家。”老板问：“我能跟他说话吗？”出乎他的意料，小男孩小声说：“不能。”因急着想和大人说话，老板又问：“你妈妈在家吗？”小男孩小声说：“在家。”老板问：“我能跟她说话吗？”再一次，小男孩小声说：“不能。”老板想大人们不会让孩子单独在家，就要和照看孩子的人说话：“在你旁边还有别人吗？”小男孩小声说：“有一个警察。”老板想警察会在他们家做什么呢？他问：“我能跟警察说话吗？”小男孩小声说：“不能，他正忙着呢。”“忙着干什么？”“正在跟我爸爸、妈妈和消防队员说话。”老板听到电话听筒中传来类似直升机的噪音，更加担心了。他问：“那是什么声音？”那耳语声回答：“一架直升机。”老板更紧张了：“那里发生了什么事？”小男孩用一种很严肃的耳语声说：“搜索队正从直升机上下来。”老板非常惊恐、担忧：“他们为什么在那里？”小男孩用耳语声夹杂捂住的咯咯笑声说：“他们正在找我。”

4　A Missile by Kangaroos 袋鼠发导弹

Virtual reality simulators assume large roles in helicopter training in Australian Air Force. Programmers have gone to great details including wild animals to increase the realism. Being efficient, the programmers simply re-used some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures’ speed of movement. When demonstrating this system to some visiting American pilots, Australian pilots buzzed the virtual kangaroos in low flight. The kangaroos scattered as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively—then did a double take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a missile at the hapless helicopter. Apparently, the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.

模拟飞行器在澳大利亚空军直升机训练中发挥了很大作用。为了提高真实性，编程人员增加了许多细节，包括野生动物在内。为提高编程效率，编程人员套用原来编写的步兵先遣队在同样刺激条件下行动反应的程序模块。把士兵的形象改为袋鼠，并加快它们的行动速度。当向一帮来访的美国空军表演这套系统的时候，澳大利亚飞行员做低空飞行驱赶模拟袋鼠。这些袋鼠如预料那样四处逃窜。来访的美国人赞赏地频频点头。然而，再看一眼却大吃一惊：那些袋鼠又从山坡后面重新出现，并且向这架倒霉的直升机发了一枚导弹。显然，编程人员忘记把这一段删掉了。

5　A Gift for the Teacher 送给老师的礼物

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist’s daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, “I’ll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know?” “Just a lucky guess,” she said. Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.” Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box’s corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no. Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily, “A puppy!”

这是学期的最后一天，所有的学生都带礼物来送给老师。花店老板的女儿走上来，送给老师一个盒子。老师说：“我敢打赌这里面是花。”女孩问：“你怎么知道的？”老师说：“碰巧猜对了。”接着，糖果店老板的儿子走上来，送给老师一个盒子。老师说她知道这里面是糖果。男孩问她是怎么知道的。老师又说：“碰巧猜对了。”最后，酒店老板的儿子走上来，送给老师一个盒子。但是，这个盒子的一个角漏湿了。老师问男孩盒子里是不是葡萄酒。男孩说：“不是。”老师碰了碰漏湿的地方，放到舌头上，问是不是香槟酒。男孩说：“不是。”最后，老师放弃了，问他盒子里到底是什么。男孩说：“一只小狗！”

6　I got the job 我被录用了

I applied for a job as an insurance salesperson. Where the form requested “prior experience,” I wrote “lifeguard.” That was it. “We’re looking for someone who cannot only sell insurance, but who can sell himself,” said the hiring manager. “How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?” “I couldn’t swim,” I replied. I got the job.

我申请一份保险经济人的工作。在申请表“以前工作经历”一栏我填写了“救生员”，就再没有别的了。雇方经理说：“我们找的人不但要能卖保险，还要能卖他自己。当过救生员和销售有什么相干呢？”我回答说：“我不会游泳。”我被录用了。

7　Hearing Problem 听力不好

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” No response. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?” She says, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

一个老头对他的医生说：“我觉得我太太的听力不如从前了。我该怎么办呢？”医生说：“你可以做一个试验确认一下。当你太太在厨房做饭的时候，在她后面15英尺的距离问她一个问题。如果她不回答，就走近一点再问，直到她听见为止。”老头回到家里，看见太太正在做饭。他站在她后面15英尺的距离问：“亲爱的，晚饭吃什么？”没有回答。他走到她后面10英尺的距离再问，没有回答。他走到她后面5英尺的距离再问，还是没有回答。最后，他紧贴着她的背后问：“亲爱的，晚饭吃什么？”她说：“我这是第四次回答：吃鸡！”

8　Moving couch 搬沙发

My mother complained that her back was really sore from moving couch. “Why don’t you wait till your husband gets home?” someone asked. “I could,” my mother said, “but the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it.”

我妈妈抱怨说搬完沙发以后腰疼。有人问：“你为什么不等你丈夫回来再搬？”我妈妈说：“我可以等他回来。但是如果他坐在上面，沙发更不容易搬。”

9　Hearing Aid 助听器

A woman rushed into the post office and wanted to see the supervisor. I asked, “What’s the trouble?” “I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!” After apologizing, I got her parcel. “Oh, good,” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages.” “What is it?” I asked. “My husband’s new hearing aid.”

一位妇女冲进邮局，要见负责人。我问她：“出了什么问题？”她说：“今天早上我出去了。回来的时候看到一张卡片，说邮差送来一个包裹，但家里没有人接。我丈夫一上午都在家，根本就没听到有什么事。”我向她道了歉，又给她拿来了包裹。她说：“哦，太好了。我们已经等了好久了。”我问她那是什么。她说：“我丈夫新的助听器。”

10　What does it say? 它在说什么？

I returned from Russia after living there nearly two years. My sister decided to surprise me by creating “welcome home” signs in Russian. She went to a website that offered translations, and printed the translated phrase onto cardboards. When I got off the plane, I saw my whole family, excitedly waving colored cardboards. My sister gave me a big hug, and pointed proudly to her creations. “Isn’t that great?” she said, “Bet you didn’t think I knew any Russian.” I admitted that I was indeed surprised—the signs actually said: “Translation not found.”

我在俄国住了将近两年以后回国。我妹妹打算给我一个惊喜，用俄文做一个“欢迎归来”的标语。她到一个提供翻译的网站，并且把翻译出来的文字打印在硬纸板上。我一下飞机就看到我们全家人兴高采烈地挥舞着彩色的硬纸板。我妹妹给了我一个热烈的拥抱，并且自豪地指着她的作品说：“是不是很棒？我敢打赌你一定没想到我懂俄语。”我承认我确实是大吃一惊。这标语实际上是说：“译文没有找到。”

II.　讽刺笑话

11　An Alcohol Tester 酒精测试仪

I stopped at my favorite watering hole after a hard day’s work to relax. I noticed a man next to me order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before my curiosity got the best of me. I leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I’m heading home!”

忙了一天，我在我所喜欢的夜总会里轻松一下。我注意到我旁边的男子要了一瓶烈酒和一瓶啤酒。他喝一口烈酒，紧接着又喝一口啤酒，然后往他的衬衣口袋里看一下。他这样反复好几次以后，我实在忍不住，凑到他面前问他：“不好意思打搅一下。我实在忍不住注意你的习惯。你究竟为什么每次喝一口烈酒，紧接着喝一口啤酒，然后又往衬衣口袋里看一下？”那个男子回答说：“那里有我老婆的一张照片。当她开始变得好看的时候，我就该回家了。”

12　I quit drinking 我戒酒了

An Irish man walks into a pub, orders three beers. He proceeds to alternately sip one, then the second, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “Sir, you don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.” The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow that every Saturday night we’d still drink together.” Every Saturday the man comes in and does the same thing. Then one week he comes in and orders only two. The bartender said to him, “I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said, “Oh, my brothers are fine. I just quit drinking.”

一个爱尔兰人走进酒吧，要了三瓶啤酒。他轮流地先喝一口第一瓶，又喝一口第二瓶，再喝一口第三瓶。等到三瓶喝完，又要三瓶。酒吧招待对他说：“先生，你不需要一下开三瓶。我可以照看着，当你快喝完的时候，我会给你拿来新鲜的凉啤酒。”那人说：“你不懂。我有两个兄弟。一个在澳大利亚，另一个在美国。我们约定每个星期六晚上仍然在一起喝酒。”这人每个星期六都来做同样的事情。有一个星期他来了，只要了两瓶啤酒。酒吧招待对他说：“真不幸，你的一个兄弟死了。”那人说：“我兄弟没事。是我戒酒了。”

13　The Sixth Helen 第六个海伦

A pregnant woman walked into a doctor’s office to have an ultrasound. The doctor told her that she was going to have a little girl. He then asked her what she would name her daughter. “Helen.” “Do you have any other children?” “Five other daughters, and their names are also Helen.” “How do you call them for dinner?” “That’s easy—I just yell, ‘Helen, supper!’ and they all come home.” “What if you only want to speak with one of them?” “Well, then I just call them by their last name.”

一位孕妇到医生那里做超声波检查。医生告诉她，她将要生一个女孩。又问她准备给孩子起什么名字。她说：“海伦。”“你还有其他孩子吗？”“还有五个女儿。她们的名字都是海伦。”“那你怎么叫他们回家吃饭呢？”“那还不简单？我只要喊‘海伦，吃饭’，她们就都回来了。”“那如果你只要和她们中的一个说话又怎么办？”“那我就得叫她们的姓了。”

14　Anything works? 有能工作的吗？

In the auto auction vehicles were classified as either “Running” or “No Start.” One car in the block of “No Start” had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body. The auctioneer announced the car’s year, make and model, and then read the owner’s comments: “Please note—the radio does not work.”

在汽车拍卖会上车辆分成“能跑”和“不能发动”两类。在属于“不能发动”这一类里有一辆车，挡风玻璃粉碎、缺两个轮胎、前保险杠下垂、散热器扭向一边、发动机罩向上弹出一个角度、车身布满大大小小的坑。拍卖主持人宣布了这辆车的出厂年份、品牌和型号，然后宣读车主的评语：“请注意：收音机不工作。”

15　A Small Trick 一个小花招

All I wanted was to pay for some batteries, but none of the clerks in the electronics store seemed interested in helping me. I got an idea, and pulled a tape measure out of my pocket. I stepped over to one of the giant plasma-screen TVs and started to measure it. Faster than you can say high definition, a young man came running over. “May I help you?” he asked breathlessly. “Yes,” I said. “I’d like to buy these batteries.”

我只是要付钱买电池。但是电器店里的职员似乎没有一个对此感兴趣。我有了一个主意。我从口袋里掏出一条软尺，走到一个巨大的等离子电视机前，开始量尺寸。比你说出“高清晰度”这几个字还要快，一个年轻人跑过来，上气不接下气地说：“我能为你做什么？”我说：“我要买这几节电池。”

16　Another Trick 又一个小花招

Mike was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, Mike again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine… except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour.

麦克经常使用一个繁忙的卡车停车场上的投币电话。这个电话坏了，使他觉得很不方便。好几次让电话公司来修，但只是口头应付。几天以后，麦克又找电话公司，告诉他们不用着急，电话已经能用了。只是打完电话之后，所有投进去的钱又都退回来了。不到一小时，一名修理工就赶到了。

17　What do I have to order? 我该点什么？

If there’s a competition for Worst Waiter of the Year, I’ve got a candidate. He was working at my mother’s favorite restaurant when we took her there for her birthday. This guy messed up every order. She asked for pork. He brought beef. We requested beans. We got corn. And so on. At the end of the meal, he asked, “Would anyone like dessert?” My mother said, “What do I have to order to get a piece of cheesecake?”

如果要竞选本年度最差餐厅侍者的话，我这里有一个候选人。他在我妈最喜欢的一家餐厅工作。当我们在这家餐厅给我妈过生日的时候，这家伙把一切都搞乱了。我妈点的是猪肉，他端上来的是牛肉。我们要的是豆子，他却拿来了玉米。等等，等等。快吃完的时候他问：“有谁要点甜食吗？”我妈说：“我该点什么才能得到一块奶酪蛋糕呢？”

18　Cheap but good 价廉物美

My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters in the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. “From a menu,” she admitted. “Do you know what they say?” “I’m afraid to ask,” my wife said, “but tell me anyway.” “Cheap but good.”

我的妻子被中国餐馆的手写菜单上优美的书法迷住了。她把菜单带回家，花了几个月的时间织了一件毛衣，把中国字织在胸前。她穿着这件毛衣参加一个鸡尾酒会。一位中国医生问她是在哪里搞到这个图样。她承认是从菜单上描下来的。医生问：“你知道这些字什么意思吗？”我的妻子说：“我没敢问。你告诉我吧。”中国医生说：“价廉物美。”

19　Not our own food 不是我们自己的食品

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches. The bartender says, “Sorry, but you can’t eat your own food in here.” The two guys look at each other and swap lunches.

两个人走进酒吧，坐下来吃他们自己的午饭。酒吧招待对他们说：“对不起，你们不能在这里吃自己的食品。”这两个人互相看了一眼，交换了他们的午饭。

20　Better not your daughter 幸亏不是你的女儿

A large truck was tailing my teenage son as he drove through town with a female classmate. The truck matched them turn for turn, down every street. It pulled next to him at a light. The menacing-looking driver leaned out his window and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and yelled to his co-worker, “That’s not my daughter.”

我十几岁的儿子开车带着他的女同学穿街越巷。一辆大卡车紧紧跟在后面，我儿子拐弯它也拐弯。在一个红绿灯处，那辆大卡车停到了他们边上。一个面目可憎的司机从车窗里伸出头来，盯着他们的车里面怒目而视。仔细看了半天，那个人咧嘴笑了，大声喊着对他的同事说：“那不是我的女儿！”

21　Not good at measuring 不熟悉计量单位

On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad. “We don’t sell it by the quart,” the clerk snapped. “Okay, then give me two pints, please,” I replied. She asked, “Do you want it in one container?”

在去野餐的路上，我到一家快餐店买一夸脱土豆色拉。售货员厉声说：“我们不按夸脱卖。”我说：“好吧，买两品脱。”她问：“装在一起吗？”（注：一夸脱等于两品脱）

22　A Halloween Costume 万圣节戏装

Desperate for a Halloween costume to wear to a party, my 43-year-old daughter had an inspired idea. She put on a slinky black dress, fishnet stockings and balanced a small tabletop on her head. On it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She won first prize.

我43岁的女儿急需一件戏装去参加万圣节化妆晚会。她有了一个灵感。她穿上一件黑色的夜行服，一双渔网长统袜，头上顶一个小桌面。小桌上放一盏灯、一个香槟高脚杯和一个有两个烟头的烟灰缸。她赢了一等奖。

23　Secret Code 密码

Security and peace of mind were the reasons we moved to a gated community. The night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery. “I’d like to order a large pepperoni, please,” I said, then gave him our address. “We’ll be there in about half an hour,” the kid at the other end replied. “Your gate code is still 1238, right?”

为了安全和放心，我们搬到一个有铁门的社区居住。那天晚上我打电话到比萨店订比萨。“我要一个大号意大利香肠比萨。”然后又告诉他我们的地址。送比萨的孩子说：“我们大约半个小时能送到。你们的铁门密码还是1238对不对？”

24　What did the sign say? 那标牌上写的什么字？

In the doctor’s waiting room I saw a mother helping her little boy sound out the words on a sign. Finally he mastered it and his mom cheered, “That’s great! Now sit there. I’ll be back in 15 minutes.” What did the sign say? “Children must not be left unattended.”

在医生的候诊室里我看到一个母亲正在教她的小男孩读一个标牌上的字。最后，小男孩学会了。母亲高兴地说：“太棒了！现在你坐到那儿，我过15分钟回来。”那标牌上写的什么字？“孩童不可无人照看。”

25　Didn’t do gambling 没有赌钱

On the way home from visiting relatives, my brother and sister stopped at a casino—not to play the slot machines, just to check out the place. “So did you do any gambling?” I teased. “Well,” my brother said, “She had a $10 cup of coffee. I had a $50 Coke.”

在从亲戚家回来的路上，我的弟弟和妹妹去了一家赌场，不是去玩吃角子老虎机，而是去看看地方。我嘲弄地问：“你们有没有赌啊？”我弟弟说：“唔，她喝了一杯10美元的咖啡，我喝了一罐50美元的可乐。”

26　Do it herself 自己动手做

My sister has the courage—but not always the skills—to tackle any home-repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day I found her attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. “I can’t get this thing to cooperate,” she explained. “Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it to the lawn mower?” I suggested.

我的妹妹有胆量却不总是有技能来搞家里的修理。比方说，她车库里的一大堆零件就是她曾经想修的一台剪草机。因此，当我看见她拿着螺丝刀正在劲头十足地摆弄吸尘器的时候倒也不觉得意外。她解释道：“我无法让它就范。”我建议说：“为什么不把它拖到车库去和剪草机做伴呢？”

27　Moving Target 活动目标

As a promotional gimmick for my restaurant, I send out coupons offering people a free dinner on their birthdays. One day an anxious-sounding man called. “I got your card. How did you find me?” “From a mailing list I purchased from a supplier,” I told him. “Why?” “It used my real name, and I’m in the Witness Protection Program. What’s the name of the company?” I didn’t want to say it, but I had to tell him the truth: Moving Targets.

作为餐馆招揽顾客的花招，我寄出优待券提供生日免费餐。一天，一位声音焦虑的男人打电话来。“我收到了你的卡片。你是怎么找到我的呢？”我告诉他：“是从供应商那里买来的通讯地址表。怎么啦？”“它用了我的真名，而我是处于证人保护之中。那个供应商叫什么名字？”我虽然不想说，但也只能说真话：活动目标。

28　Obedience 驯服

“Could we reschedule our tennis match?” my friend asked. “I have to take my dogs to obedience school in the morning.” “Obedience school?” I answered. “What if they don’t want to go?”

我的朋友问我：“我们能不能改一下网球比赛的时间？早上我必须带我的狗去上驯服课。”我说：“驯服课？如果它们不肯去怎么办？”

29　Contradiction 自相矛盾

Florida, I discovered, was a state of contradictions. When I called the Coral Springs city hall earlier this year, prior to the arrival of Hurricane Frances, this was the recording that greeted me: “Thank you for calling the city of Coral Springs, the premier city to live, work and raise a family. Should the need to evacuate arise…”

我发现佛罗里达是一个自相矛盾的州。今年早些时候，在弗朗西斯台风袭击之前我打电话给Coral Springs市政厅，录音是这样说的：“谢谢你打电话给Coral Springs市，这是居住、工作和养育孩子最好的城市。如果需要疏散的时候……”

30　Food Network 食品节目

My infant son and I sat in front of the TV, hostages to my husband’s channelsurfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless. “Honey, change the channel,” I said, shielding my son’s eyes. “He shouldn’t see this.” “It’s okay,” my husband replied. “He probably thinks it’s the Food Network.”

我和才几个月大的儿子坐在电视机前，任凭我丈夫不断更换频道。最后，他选择了一个限制级的电影。不久，电影里的女演员就把上衣脱去了。我赶紧遮住儿子的眼睛，说：“亲爱的，换频道。他不该看这个。”我丈夫回答说：“没关系，他可能以为这是食品节目。”

31　Missing luggage 丢了行李

Our daughter received an adorable airport play set as a gift. My husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway, the baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teeny tiny air hub. As he finished up, I noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials. “You are not going to believe this,” he said. “The one piece missing is the luggage.”

我们的女儿收到一件礼物，是一套可爱的飞机场模型。我丈夫花了大半天时间组装飞机、控制塔、跑道、行李滑道，并且把这些东西放到一个小小的机场中枢里。当他快完成的时候，我看到他发疯似的翻找包装箱和所有的包装材料。他说：“你不会相信，丢失的那一件正是行李。”

32　Not an eye witness 不是亲眼所见

Visiting the National Museum of the American Indian in Washington, D.C., I was admiring a beautiful tribal elder headdress decorated with eagle feathers. A man came up to me and identified himself as Native American. “Do you know how warriors got those?” the man asked, pointing to the feathers. “They covered a hole with brush, tied a live rabbit on top of it and hid underneath. When an eagle swooped down for the kill, they would grab its wing or tail.” “Fascinating,” I said. “Did you see it yourself?” “Actually, no,” the man confessed. “I saw it on the Discovery Channel.”

在华盛顿参观美国印第安人博物馆的时候，我非常欣赏一件漂亮的用老鹰羽毛装饰的部落长老头饰。一个男子走上前来，说他是美国的原住民。他指着羽毛问我：“你知道勇士们是怎么得到这些羽毛的吗？他们在一个洞上面盖上树枝，在树枝上拴一个活兔子，而他们自己藏在洞里面。当老鹰俯冲下来的时候，他们就抓住它的翅膀或者尾巴。”我说：“真带劲。你是亲眼看见的吗？”那个男子承认：“其实不是。我是从电视节目Discovery里看到的。”

33　More than a dozen 超过一打

Paul has a lot of kids—nine to be exact. Flying to a business meeting, he was chatting with his seatmate about family and was surprised to hear the man say, “I wish I had nine kids.” “You don’t really know what you’re wishing for,” Paul cautioned. “Yes, I do,” came the reply. “I have thirteen.”

保罗有好多孩子，确切地说有九个。乘飞机去参加一个业务会议途中，他和邻座聊起他的家庭。听到他的邻座说：“但愿我也有九个孩子”，他很吃惊。他警告说：“你并不懂你的但愿意味着什么。”邻座回答说：“我懂。我有13个。”

34　Stay on the line 不要挂电话

I called my local utility for help with a minor malfunction in my outdoor gas grill. Their automated phone system put me on hold for over 20 minutes. I was grateful my problem wasn’t worse when I heard a recorded message repeatedly advise, “If you smell gas, stay on the line.”

我的户外煤气烧烤炉有一点小毛病，就打电话给公用事业公司寻求帮助。他们的自动电话系统让我等了二十多分钟。当我听到录音反复播放“如果你闻到煤气味，请不要挂电话”，我真庆幸我的问题不算大。

35　Oops 唉唷

After a week of skiing with my buddies, I thought the perfect capper would be a group photo in the lodge. I held out my camera to a man sitting nearby. The man seemed wary. I said, “It’s easy. Just look through here and push this button.” Then I showed him how to frame the picture. After the fellow took the shot and left, the manager ran over. “Don’t you think that was a little insulting?” he asked. “That was Steven Spielberg.”

和好朋友们在一起滑了一个星期的雪，最好的结尾就是在旅店门前拍一张团体照。我把相机交给坐在附近的男子。这人看起来有点犹豫。我对他说：“这很容易。从这里看出去，按这个钮就可以了。”随后，我又告诉他怎样取景。等这家伙拍完照片离开以后，旅店经理跑着过来说：“你是不是觉得有点侮辱他？他是斯蒂芬·斯皮尔伯格。”

36　A Complaint 抱怨

Some people always have something to complain about. I stayed in a beautiful hotel right on the beach in California—an idyllic spot, you would think. But while I was waiting to check out, I heard the manager ask another guest, “Did you enjoy your stay?” “Not really,” the man said grimly. “I’m sorry to hear that,” the manager apologized. “What was the problem?” “The surf was too loud.”

有些人总是有事情可以抱怨。我住在加州海滨一家漂亮的旅馆里。你会想这一定是一个恬静、愉快的地方。可是，当我等着办理退房手续的时候，听到经理问另一个旅客：“你在这里过得愉快吗？”那人阴森森地说：“不怎么样。”经理道歉说：“真遗憾听到你这么说。发生什么问题了？”“海浪声音太响了。”

37　Not a good name 不是好名字

A woman at the mall was giving away free kittens. I picked out a cute black and white one. “I call him Prince,” she told me. That’s a dumb name for a cat, I thought. When I got him home, I immediately changed it to “the Kitten Formerly Known as Prince.”

一位妇女在商场里拿小猫送给大家。我挑了一只可爱的黑白花猫。她告诉我说：“我叫它王子。”我心里想，给猫起这样的名字可不好。回到家里我马上把它改成“以前叫做王子的小猫”。

38　Chatting away 海聊

Pushing my cart up a supermarket aisle, I came upon a woman chatting away on her cell phone. There was barely enough room to squeeze by her, and she seemed to be having trouble maneuvering her cart out of the way. “I’ve got to go,” I heard her say to the person on the other end. “I’ll call you back from the next aisle.”

我推着购物车在超级市场的过道里走，前面遇到一个妇女正在用手机海聊。我从她身边挤不过去，她要把她的推车让开又有困难。我听见她对电话那头的人说：“我得挂了。等我到下一个过道再给你打过去。”

39　Complex Math Problem 复杂的数学题

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the salesperson replied. “And what about Salt Lake City?” “We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said. “But there is a stopover.” “Where?” “In Denver,” she said.

我不能决定到底是到盐湖城还是到丹佛市去度假，所以打电话到航空公司去问问票价。售票员说：“到丹佛市去的机票价300美元。”“那到盐湖城去的呢？”她说：“我们有优惠价99美元到盐湖城。不过途中要停一下。”“在哪里停？”“在丹佛市。”

40　Heroine in Rain 雨天的女英雄

An author was coming to my local bookstore to discuss her novel. The main character was “a strong-willed heroine fighting to survive the hardships of the times.” When I went to the reading, I was disappointed to learn the writer had canceled her appearance. The reason? She didn’t want to drive in the rain.

一位女作家要到我们附近的书店来和大家讨论她的小说。小说的主人公是一位“在困苦中以奋斗求生存的意志坚定的女英雄”。当我赶到读书会的时候，很失望地得知这位女作家取消了这个聚会。原因是她不愿意在雨天开车。

41　Like father like daughter 有其父必有其女

My daughter had absentmindedly left her sneakers on our kitchen table. “That’s disgusting,” my husband grumbled. “Doesn’t she realize we eat off that table?” Then he went out to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home I couldn’t set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a car muffler.

我女儿心不在焉地把她的球鞋扔在厨房的桌子上。我丈夫嘟嘟囔囔地说：“真恶心，难道她不知道我们在这张桌子上吃饭吗？”然后他出去弄他的车去了。我把桌子清理完后就出门去买东西。等我买好东西回来，我的这些包都找不到地方放。在厨房的桌子的正中，放了一个汽车的消音器。

42　Can be trusting? 能信任吗？

Everything about country customs delighted my neighbors, who had moved to our small town from the city. Then one day they spotted a sign, “Fresh Eggs for Sale,” at a roadside stand where payment was on the honor system. “Why can’t everyone be this trusting?” they said as they put their money in a box and took a carton. When they got home and opened it, they found 11 eggs.

我们的邻居刚从城市搬到我们这个小镇上来。一切有关农村习俗的事情都使他们感到高兴。有一天，他们看到路边小摊有一个牌子“出售新鲜鸡蛋”，是用那种传统的无人售货的方式。他们把钱放进一个盒子，拿了一打鸡蛋，并且感慨地说：“为什么人们不能都这样信任别人呢？”回到家里，打开盒子，他们看到里面只有11个鸡蛋。

43　A Degree in Philosophy 哲学学位的用处

Wondering why my daughter was returning to college to get a master’s in philosophy, I asked, “What can you do with a degree like that?” “Well,” she explained, “it will qualify me to deal with questions like, ‘What is existence?’ ‘What is the essence of things?’ and ‘Do you want fries with that?’”

我不明白为什么我的女儿要回到大学里去读哲学硕士的学位。我问她：“得一个这样的学位有什么用呢？”她解释说：“嗯，它会让我有资格去处理一些问题，比如：‘什么是存在？’，‘什么是东西的要素？’，以及‘你要炸薯条配在一起吗？’”

44　Now we can sleep 现在我们可以睡觉了

Sometime around two in the morning our phone rang. “Wrong number,” my husband growled, and slammed down the receiver. A few minutes later it rang again. I heard him say, “One with pepperoni and extra cheese and one with chicken. Pick up in 20 minutes.” “What was that?” I asked. “I took his order. Now we can sleep.”

半夜两点钟，我们的电话响了。“你打错号了。”我的丈夫愤愤地说，并且砰地一声把电话挂上。几分钟以后，电话又响了。我听见他说：“一个要意大利香肠，多加奶酪；另一个要鸡肉。20分钟以后来拿。”我问：“什么事？”“我接受了他的订货。现在我们可以睡觉了。”

45　Fight down the theft 制服偷盗

Football players at the Kennedy High School were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Kennedy High School” emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint “Stolen from Kennedy High School.” But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to “Kennedy High School 4th String.”

肯尼迪高中的橄榄球选手一直在偷球衣。于是教练订了一批印有“肯尼迪高中财产”字样的球衣。偷窃还在继续。教练只好再订一批印有“偷自肯尼迪高中”字样的球衣。但是球衣还是不断消失。后来偷窃不再继续，因为教练把印的字样改为“肯尼迪高中第四后备队”。

46　Who should change? 该谁换？

A collecting service company recently launched an 800 number that was identical to mine. Since then I was getting swamped with wrong calls. When I called to the complain, they told me to get a new number. “I’ve had mine for twenty years,” I pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?” They refused. So I said, “Fine. From now on I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.” The company got a new number the next day.

一家讨债公司最近启用一个800免费电话。它的号码和我的相同。从那以后我天天被错号电话搞得不胜其扰。我打电话去交涉的时候，他们让我换号码。我说：“我用这个号码已经20年了。能不能请你们换号码？”他们竟然拒绝了。我说：“那好，从今以后我会告诉每一个打电话给我的人，他们的账单已经付清了。”那家公司第二天就换了号码。

47　Am I so bad? 我有那么糟吗？

Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat us at our table, took a long look at my stomach and asked, “Would you like me to get you a high chair?”

我怀的是双胞胎，八个半月了。我也已经习惯陌生人用紧张的目光看我了。但是一直到我和我丈夫到一家新的餐馆去吃饭的时候，我才意识到我有多显眼。那个女招待带我们坐下，盯着我的肚子看了半天，还问：“要不要我给你拿一个高椅子来？”

48　Won’t be in at all 干脆不来了

One morning an colleague said, “I need to leave early tomorrow.” That afternoon he followed up with, “Looks like I’ll be coming in late tomorrow, but if my coming in late runs into my leaving early, then I won’t be in at all.”

一天上午，一个同事说：“明天我要早一点走。”那天下午他又补充说：“看来我明天要晚一点来。但是，如果我要来得晚，又要走得早，那我明天干脆不来了。”

49　Form a double line 排成两行

While shopping in a supermarket, I heard over the PA system: “A wallet was found containing a large sum of cash but no identification. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer service counter.”

我在超级市场里买东西，听见广播通知：“捡到一个钱包，里面有很多现金，但没有身份证。请要认领的人在顾客服务柜台前排成两行。”

50　Two Choices 两种选择

It is so rare to be offered a meal on airlines these days that I was surprised to hear the flight attendant ask the man sitting in front of me, “Would you like dinner?” “What are my choices?” he responded. “Yes or no,” she said.

现在飞机上很少给乘客吃正餐了。所以，当我听到空中小姐问坐在我前面的人要不要吃饭的时候，有点感到意外。那人问：“我有哪些选择？”空中小姐回答：“吃或者不吃。”

51　Games in Jail 监狱里的游戏

I took my high school government class on a field trip to the county jail. Near the end of the tour, we passed through the prison’s recreation room. There I spotted two board games sitting on a table, selections that I thought were particularly appropriate to a correctional facility: Life and Sorry.

我带领上“美国政府”课的高中学生到县监狱做实地访问。在参观快结束的时候，我们穿过监狱的娱乐室。在那里看到桌上有两种盘上游戏，一种叫“生活”，另一种叫“对不起”。我觉得选得很恰当。

52　It’s rather personal 实在是个人隐私

I was in a gynecologist’s busy waiting room when a cell phone rang. A woman answered it, and for the next few minutes, she explained to her caller in intimate detail her symptoms and what she suspected might be wrong. Suddenly the conversation shifted, and the woman said, “Him? That’s over.” Then she added, “Can we talk about this later? It’s rather personal, and I’m in a room full of people.”

我在妇产科医生拥挤的候诊室里听到手机响了。一个妇女接电话。她用好几分钟时间向对方详细介绍她的症状，以及她怀疑是什么毛病。突然，话题转了。她说：“他？结束了。”她接着说：“我们能不能以后再谈。这实在是个人隐私。我这里满屋子都是人。”

53　Free dessert helps 免费甜食有帮助

I am full-figured, and when I dine in restaurants, I often find the chairs too small and uncomfortable. The last time I ate out I filled in a comment card, saying that while the food and service were wonderful, the chairs did not accommodate anyone over a size 14. Several weeks later I received a note of apology—and a coupon for a free dessert.

我很胖。我在餐馆里吃饭的时候，常常觉得椅子太小，不舒服。上一次出去吃饭的时候我填了一张意见卡说，饭菜和服务都很棒，但是椅子太小。穿14号以上衣服的人坐不下。几个星期以后，我收到一封道歉信和一张免费甜食优待券。

54　How can I help you? 我能为你做什么？

My new credit card arrived in the mail with a large sticker on it, giving the phone number to activate the card. I called the number and got one option: “press one to activate the credit card.” That led me to a live person, who answered with her first name and the title “credit card activator.” As I got ready to give her the necessary information, she interrupted me, asking, “How can I help you?”

我收到了从邮局寄来的新信用卡，上面贴了挺大一张条子，写着启用这张卡之前要打一个电话号码。我拨通了这个号码，“启用信用卡请拨1”。然后转接到一个真人那里。那人自报了名字和她的头衔“信用卡启用员”。我正准备报给她一些必要的信息，她却打断我问：“我能为你做什么？”

55　Blind Submission 盲从

I was driving in the procession to the cemetery for a distant relative’s funeral. “Since we don’t really know anybody, do you want to just head home?” I asked my wife. When she nodded, I made a U-turn. I looked in the mirror and found the rest of the procession was still following.

我们行驶在一个车队里，前往公墓参加一个远房亲戚的葬礼。我问太太：“我们并不认识其他人，你想不想干脆回家？”她点点头，我就调转车头往回开。我从后视镜里看到，后面的车队仍然跟着我们。

56　Never seen us? 从来没见过我们？

After living in our house for four years we were moving out. I backed the truck up to our garage door so we could start loading. Just then one of our neighbors came across the lawn and said to me, “Welcome to the neighborhood!”

在这座房子里住了四年，我们要搬走了。我把卡车倒退到车库门前，以便开始装东西。正在这时候，我们的一个邻居穿过草坪走过来对我说：“欢迎你们搬到这里来！”

57　How to answer? 怎样回答？

My wife is pregnant. Since I am working in a non-profit organization, pregnancy and birth are covered under “workman’s compensation.” Filling out the forms, we have to answer the questions like: “Describe in detail how and where this accident occurred,” “What could have been done to prevent this accident” and “What will you do in the future to prevent this accident from happening again?”

我太太怀孕了。由于我在一个非营利机构工作，怀孕和生产的费用由“工伤保险”来支付。填写表格的时候，我们必须回答下面这样的问题：“详细描述这个事故是在哪里和怎样发生的。”“事先做什么可以防止这个事故发生？”“将来准备怎样做来防止这种事故再次发生？”

58　Listen to whom 听谁讲

Our flight was about to take off when the passenger behind me launched into a loud and annoying conference call on his cell phone. “Sally, get the customer lists. Charlie, pull all the data together we have. Bob, can you bring us up to date” and on and on. As the flight attendant began the preflight safety instructions, the executive’s voice was drowned out by the PA system. I heard him mutter into the phone, “Hold on a second. Some people just like to hear themselves talk.”

我们的飞机刚要起飞，坐在我后面的乘客用他的手机开起了电话会议，声音又响又烦人。“莎丽，拿来客户名单。查理，把我们现有的数据都调出来。罗伯特，你讲一讲最近的情况。”没完没了地讲。当空中小姐开始起飞前的安全讲解的时候，这位老板的声音被广播声音压过了。我听见他对电话里嘀咕说：“等一会儿。有的人只想让别人听他们讲。”

59　I had no choice 我是没办法

Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk. When he returned, I said, “That was very thoughtful.” “I had no choice,” he replied. “You were making too much noise.”

我和朋友们在餐馆里边吃边聊。旁边桌的一个男子对着手机说等一下，然后就走到外面去打电话。他回来的时候我对他说：“你对别人挺关心。”他说：“我是没办法。你们太闹了。”

60　It’s not that noticeable 那伤疤不是很明显

There’s a scar on my face from a car accident. A customer came into the gas station where I work, glanced at me and exclaimed, “My God, what happened to you?” I told him and hoped that would be the end of it. But he kept pressing me for more information. Finally, he made his purchase and, just before walking away, said, “Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s not that noticeable.”

我脸上有一道车祸留下的伤疤。一个顾客走进我工作的加油站，看了我一眼就大呼小叫起来：“我的天哪，你出什么事啦？”我告诉了他，希望就此打住。但是他继续追问更多的问题。最后，他买完东西要离开的时候说：“嘿，别太在意。那伤疤不是很明显。”

61　Insatiable 不知足

When I walked up to the ATM at my bank, I noticed someone had left his card in the slot. I looked up the person’s name in the phone book and gave him a call. “I found your ATM card,” I told the man who answered. He then asked hopefully, “You didn’t happen to find my sunglasses too?”

我走到银行提款机前面，看见狭缝里有一张提款卡，是别人遗忘在里面的。我从电话号码簿上找到他的名字，给他打了个电话。我告诉他：“我捡到你的提款卡了。”他满怀希望地问我：“你有没有碰巧也捡到了我的太阳眼镜？”

62　A Scary Man 可怕的人

I was browsing in a military surplus store when a young couple came in pushing a little boy in a stroller. I couldn’t help noticing the father was in full punk regalia: spiked hair, black leather gloves, snake tattoos visible on his arms. Later I saw him running through the store frantically calling for his son. Relieved when he found the boy in another aisle, he embraced him and admonished, “Don’t go where Mommy and Daddy aren’t able to see you. A scary man might grab you.”

我在一家军队剩余物资商店里浏览，这时候一对年轻夫妇用手推车推着一个男孩进来了。我忍不住看了一眼，那个爸爸是全套的庞克华丽装束：像鹿角那样的头发、黑色皮手套、两条胳膊上都是蛇的刺青。过了一会儿，我看见他发疯似的跑着喊着，满商店找他的儿子。当他在另一条过道上找到他儿子的时候，松了一口气。他搂着儿子，细声细语地说：“不要到爸爸妈妈看不见你的地方去。可怕的人会把你抓走的。”

63　Fish on changing table 换尿片小桌上的鱼

While in the men’s room at a beach park in Florida, I noticed they had a plastic baby-changing table installed on the wall. Above the table was a sign saying: “It is unlawful to clean fish on this table.” Apparently, some sportsmen had co-opted this politically correct amenity for their own use.

在佛罗里达海滨公园的男厕所里，墙上装了一个给孩子换尿片用的塑料小桌。在小桌的上方有一张告示：“在这张桌子上清理鱼是不合法的。”看来，有些运动员把这个政治上正确的设施挪为己用。

64　Hidden Value 隐藏的价值

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they’d leave. Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out, and drove off.

我们邻居有人把一个巨大的沙发扔在马路边上。由于它看上去很不错，许多过往车辆都慢下来看一看。但是，当他们看到它是那么巨大，就都开走了。最后，有一辆小型轿车停下来，走出来两个人。他们把沙发垫子都拿掉，把沙发翻过来，然后使劲摇晃。然后，他们从地上捡起所有滚出来的硬币，就开车走了。

65　For others to read 贴给别人看的

When I was in line of a McDonald’s drive-through, I saw a car in front of me with three bumper stickers: “Don’t be fooled by genetically engineered food,” “Eat for the health of it” and “Support organic farmers.”

当我在麦当劳“免下车售货处”排队的时候，看到前面那辆车的后保险杠上贴了三条标语：“不要被遗传工程食品所愚弄”，“吃健康食品”，“支持（不使用化肥的）有机耕作”。

66　A Hard Push 猛推一把

The old printer at the office was always decorated with sticky notes about its latest breakdown. Repairs, when they were made, didn’t last long. One day a frustrated co-worker placed a large handwritten note on the machine: “This is only a temporary out-of-order sign until a permanent one can be printed.” The printer was replaced the second day.

我们办公室的旧打印机上面经常贴着字条，报告最近的损坏情况。每次修完以后，也维持不了多久。一天，一位生气的同事贴了一个大大的手写的字条在它上面：“在永久性的损坏通知未印出来之前，只能使用这个临时的损坏通知。”打印机第二天就换新的了。

67　I’m not that old 我还没那么老

When I picked up my wife from work one afternoon, she seemed irritated. She confessed that the day hadn’t gone well, and on top of everything else, a young customer had addressed her as “ma’am.” “I’m not that old,” she insisted. “I deserve more respect!” She vented the whole way home while hitting the scan button on the radio. Finally I asked, “What are you looking for?” She replied, “The oldies station.”

一天下午我到妻子工作的地方去接她。她看起来很生气。她说这一天都不顺。最叫人生气的是有一个年轻顾客称她为“夫人”。她坚持说：“我还没那么老。我应该得到更多的尊重。”她在回家途中一路发泄，同时又不停地按收音机的选台按钮。最后我问她：“你在找什么？”她回答说：“找老歌电台”。

68　Pneumonia and Smoking 肺炎和抽烟

I’m an attendant in a laundromat. A woman came in, sat near my counter and chain-smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was both-ering me, so I turned on a fan. “Could you please point that thing in another direction?” she asked. “I’m just getting over pneumonia and the last thing I need is a breeze blowing on me.”

我在一家自助洗衣店当营业员。一个女人走进来，坐在我的柜台旁边，一支接一支地抽烟。烟味熏得我受不了，我打开了电风扇。她对我说：“你能不能把那东西换一个方向？我的肺炎刚好。最怕吹风。”

69　I don’t inhale that far down 我没有往下吸到那么远

At the salon the conversation turned to smoking and its ill effects on our bodies. Even after hearing one woman reveal that she had survived cancer of the uterus, another customer lit up a cigarette. “Aren’t you afraid of getting cancer of the uterus?” she was asked. “Oh, no, dear,” the smoker replied, without batting an eye. “I don’t inhale that far down.”

发廊里的话题转移到吸烟和它对健康的损害。尽管刚听完一个妇女说她从子宫癌中幸存下来，另一个顾客点燃了一支香烟。人们问她：“你不怕得子宫癌吗？”吸烟的人面不改色地说：“噢，不怕。我没有往下吸到那么远。”

70　I work in customer service 我是顾客服务部的

I was looking around for a salesperson in a department store so I could pay for my purchase. Finally I ran into a woman wearing the store’s ID tag. “Excuse me,” I said. “I’m trying to locate a cashier.” “I can’t help you,” she replied, barely slowing down. “I work in customer service.” And she walked away.

我在一家百货商店里到处找营业员交款。最后，我碰上一个戴着商店工作人员名牌的女人。我说：“请问收款台在哪里？”她说：“我不能帮你。我是顾客服务部的。”她走了，连脚步都没有放慢。

71　Natural Beauty 天然美女

I got stuck in a traffic jam while commuting into Los Angeles. The woman in the car in front of me took full advantage of the slowdown. She took out her eyebrow pencil, lip stick and a mirror, applying the finishing touches on her face in the ten minutes. Finally, the traffic broke up and as she zoomed away, I caught a glimpse of her vehicle’s license plate: NTRL BTY.

我在进洛杉矶的公路上堵车。在我前面那辆车里的女人却充分利用了减速的优越性。她拿出眉笔、口红和小镜子，在那十分钟之内完成了她脸部的补妆。最后，路通了。随着她渐渐开远，我看了一眼她的汽车牌照。上面写着：天然美女。

72　They put you on hold? 他们让你等着？

I was delighted to discover that I could play compact discs in the new computer my company had given me. I was enjoying one of my favorite Beethoven pieces when an administrative assistant stopped by to deliver a stack of papers. Hearing classical music filling the air, she exclaimed, “Poor you. They put you on hold?”

我很高兴地发现，公司刚给我配置的新电脑可以放CD。我正在欣赏我所喜欢的一首贝多芬的曲子的时候，一名行政助理过来送一沓文件。听到古典音乐的声音，她大声说：“好可怜，他们让你等着？”

73　Piano Player 钢琴手

Help-wanted sign spotted in the window of a seafood restaurant: “Piano Player Wanted: Must Have Knowledge of Opening Clams.”

一家海鲜餐馆的橱窗里贴了一张招工启事：“招一名弹钢琴的人：必须会起开蚌蚬。”

74　She needs to finish the book 她该读完这本书

I was approached at the airport by a woman. “I left a book on the plane!” she said frantically. I assumed this had to be a rare first edition of some kind. “Okay,” I said, “just tell me the title of the book.” “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff ,” she replied.

在飞机场，一位妇女冲到我跟前，发疯似的说：“我把一本书忘在飞机上了。”我猜想一定是什么善本、绝版书。就说：“行，告诉我书的名字。”她回答说：“《不要为小事情焦虑》。”

75　Clarity 明确性

I’m a life-and-career coach. One morning, a prospective client called for an appointment, I asked him what he wanted to get out of our sessions. “Clarity,” he said very firmly. “And on what issues are you looking for clarity?” I probed. “Well,” he said in a less confident tone, “I really don’t know.”

我是一个“生活和职业”教练。一天早上一个潜在的客户打电话要约时间面谈。我问他想要谈什么。他非常肯定地说：“明确性。”我又进一步探问：“你要在哪些问题上寻求明确性呢？”他用不太自信的口气说：“唔，我真不知道。”

76　Unnecessary Warning 不必要的警告

During a business trip to Boeing’s Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge 14,000 lbs. weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. Imprinted on the side of each weight was the warning: “Remove before flight.”

到华盛顿州埃弗雷特波音飞机工厂去谈生意，我看到一些正在装配中的747和777飞机。在没有装发动机之前，为了使飞机保持平衡，从飞机的翅膀往下挂两块14000磅重的巨大重物。在这些重物的侧面印有警告：“飞行前先拿掉”。

77　What’s fifty bucks? 50块钱算什么呀？

I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn’t happy with the price of $59 per ticket. “I want the $49 fare I saw advertised,” he insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time. I managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight. “I’ll take it,” he said, then worried his wife might not like the early hour. I warned there was a $25 fee per person if he changed the reservation. “Oh, that’s no problem,” he said dismissively. “What’s fifty bucks?”

我接了一个男子的电话，他要订两张机票，但是他不满意每张票价59美元。他坚持要广告里登的49美元的票价。他说，他可以接受任何时间的航班。我好不容易找到两个早上六点的位子。他说：“我要了。”随后又担心他老婆可能不喜欢飞这么早。我警告说，如果要改航班的话，每张票收费25美元。他轻蔑地说：“没问题，50块钱算什么呀？”

78　Can pilots fly? 飞行员会飞吗？

The Great Lakes Laboratory employed a licensed boat captain for its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn’t swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would often approach him about it. “Is it true? You, a boat captain, can’t swim?” “No, I can’t!” he replied. “Can pilots fly?”

五大湖实验室雇用一位有执照的船长开研究用的船。大家都知道这个船长不会游泳。当新来的人知道这事以后，他们常常会去问他：“这是真的吗？你一个船长不会游泳？”他回答说：“我是不会游泳。飞行员会飞吗？”

79　Historical Events 历史事件

I was manning the register at a busy Italian restaurant when a customer walked up with his check, totaling $14.92. “That’s when Columbus discovered America,” he commented. “You don’t really believe that, do you?” I responded. “I mean, the Native Americans were here long before he showed up.” We continued in this vein for several minutes. Meanwhile, a line had begun to form. After my customer left, the next patron in line came up to my counter and impatiently asked me what was going on. “Oh, we were talking about historical events,” I said. “Well, then,” said the irritated customer, “can you tell me what happened the year I started waiting in line?”

我正在一家繁忙的意大利餐馆帮忙收款，一个顾客走上前来，拿着他的用餐账单，总计14.92美元。他说：“这是哥伦布发现美洲的时候。”我应声说：“你并不相信，是不是？我的意思是，在他来之前美洲原住民早就在这里了。”我们以这种情调谈了好几分钟。这时，后面的人就排起队来了。这个顾客走了以后，后面的顾客走上来，很不耐烦地问我是怎么回事。我说：“哦，我们正在讨论一些历史事件。”那个生气的顾客说：“唔，那么你能不能告诉我，我开始排队的那一年发生了什么事？”

80　Don’t get around 不再绕道走

Our band was hired to perform at a funeral, but our stubborn band leader refused to play any songs remotely religious. “I don’t believe in it, and I won’t play it,” he insisted. “So what tune can you play?” he was asked. After giving the question some thought, he said, “How about, ‘Don’t Get Around Much Anymore’?”

我们的流行乐团受雇在一个葬礼上演奏。但是我们固执的头拒绝演奏任何带一点宗教色彩的歌曲。他坚持说：“我不信教。我不演奏宗教歌曲。”“那么你能演奏什么呢？”想了一会儿，他说：“唱‘不再绕道走’怎么样？”

81　Bring me another martini! 再给我拿一杯马丁尼酒来！

I was waiting tables at an exclusive country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin. Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, “May I bring you some club soda?” “Young lady,” she barked, “I’ll be the judge of when I’ve had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!”

我在一家奢华的乡村俱乐部等位子的时候，看到一个穿着高雅的妇人把曼哈顿海鲜杂烩羹泼洒在她的白色亚麻裙上。她开始狂怒地用纸巾擦。我对如何除去食物污渍颇有经验，就问她：“要不要我给你拿一些俱乐部苏打水？”她大声吼叫着说：“小姐，我自己会判断什么时候喝够了。再给我拿一杯马丁尼酒来！”

82　Told you so 告诉过你了

On my way to deliver a computer to a customer, I saw a handwritten sign at the entrance of an alley. It read: “Blocked! Can not pass! Difficult to turn back.”I continued anyway, only to discover that the alley was indeed blocked by a fallen tree. As predicted, it took a while to turn the truck around. When I finally got back to the entrance, I noticed a second sign. It read: “Told you so!”

在给顾客送电脑的途中，我看到一条小巷的入口贴了一个手写的招贴：“堵住了！不能通过！转回来困难。”但是我还是继续往前开，一直到发现这条小巷真的被一棵倒下的树堵住了。正如所预言的，费了好大劲才把卡车调过头来。当我最后又回到小巷的入口处时，看到了另一个招贴：“告诉你，你不信！”

83　Practice every day at five o’clock 每天五点钟演习

Safety was job one at my company, so we were told. During a safety training course, the instructor asked, “Does your company have an evacuation plan?” “Yes,” said one employee, “and it works without a hitch.” “Really? How’d you do that?” “We practice every day at five o’clock.”

我们公司告诉大家，安全第一。在一次安全训练课程中，老师问我们：“你们公司有疏散计划吗？”一名雇员说：“有，而且从来没出过障碍。”“真的吗？你们是怎么做的？”“我们每天五点钟演习。”

84　Harder being a telemarketer 当电话推销员更难

Trust me, it’s harder being a telemarketer than hearing from one. I called a home once, and a little girl picked up. I asked to speak to her parents, but instead was given a tour of her house. “I see a book, a flower, a doggy.” Eventually, her father took the phone, allowing me to recite my pitch. “Hi. I’m calling from ABC Telephone Company. How much do you pay for long distance?” “Hold on, please,” he said. The next thing I heard: “I see a table, a lamp, a refrigerator.”

相信我，当一个电话推销员比听别人推销更难。有一次，我打电话给一个家庭。一个小姑娘接电话。我要求和她的父母讲话。结果却让我在她们家里游了一圈：“我看见一本书、一朵花、一只狗。”最后，她爸爸拿起了电话，让我能背诵我的开场白：“你好，这里是ABC电话公司。你在长途电话上花多少钱？”他说：“请等一下。”接下去我听见：“我看见一张桌子、一盏灯、一个冰箱。”

85　Shave my head 把我的头刮了

A man walked into my barbershop asking how much for a haircut. “Eight dollars,” I answered. “And for a shave?” “Five dollars.” “All right,” he said, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

一名男子走进我的理发店，问理个发多少钱。我回答说：“八美元。”“那么刮脸多少钱？”“五美元。”他一边坐进理发椅子，一边说：“好，把我的头刮了。”

86　A burglar can’t find me either 盗匪也找不到我

My brother got a call from a security firm that offered him a promotional burglar alarm at no charge. Happy to get something for free, he gave the caller directions to his farm. But no one showed up. The next morning the supplier called him to say that he was lost. “I’ll try again to find you,” he said. “Never mind,” said my brother. “If you can’t find me, I don’t expect a burglar can either.”

我弟弟接到保安公司的促销电话，说要给他一个免费的防盗警报系统。他听说有免费的东西，就高高兴兴地告诉那人，去他的农场怎么走法。但是没有人来。第二天早上，那人来电话说他头一天走迷路了。他说：“我会再试一次。”我弟弟说：“不用了。如果你找不到我，我想盗匪也找不到我。”

87　The room’s getting smaller 是这屋子变小了

A woman hired me to paint her living room. But every time I finished painting the walls, she changed her mind about the color. After the third time, it still wasn’t right. As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented, “It looks like you’re painting faster.” “No,” I mumbled, “the room’s getting smaller.”

一个女人雇我去油漆她的客厅。但是，每一次我刷完墙，她又要改颜色。刷了三次都不行。当我刷第四次的时候，她评论说：“看起来你刷得比较快了。”我嘟嘟囔囔地说：“不，是这屋子变小了。”

88　Hire a bodyguard 雇一个保镖

When my new job required me to transport valuables, I decided I needed a gun for protection. Since I knew next to nothing about firearms, I joined a pistol club. After watching and evaluating my technique for a few weeks, the instructor pulled me aside. “Are you open to a suggestion?” he asked. “Absolutely,” I replied. “Hire a bodyguard,” he said.

我的新职务需要我运送一些贵重物品。我觉得我应该有一支枪来保护自己。由于我对武器几乎一窍不通，就参加了一个手枪俱乐部。教员对我的技能观察和评价了几个星期之后，把我叫到一边。他问我：“你愿意听我的建议吗？”我说：“那当然。”他说：“雇一个保镖吧。”

89　Customer Appreciation Week 顾客服务周

I called an insurance company to verify benefits for a patient. Although the call was important, I couldn’t reach a human being, only a recording. “Thank you for calling,” said the message. “Our office will be closed until two o’clock as we enjoy our Customer Appreciation Week Celebration.”

我打电话给一家保险公司，核实一个病人的保险范围。尽管这个电话很重要，但是找不到人。只有录音电话说：“谢谢你打电话来。因为我们庆祝顾客服务周，办公室关闭，到两点以后再开。”

90　New Incentive Plan 新的奖励计划

Many employers motivate workers with bonuses. Some offer gym memberships. A few even supply day care for their working mothers and fathers. Our bosses go a step further. A sign posted in our break room read: “New Incentive Plan. Work or Get Fired!”

许多雇主用奖金来刺激工人。有的雇主为员工付健身房的会费。有的雇主甚至为工作的妈妈或爸爸提供日托服务。不过，我们的老板更进一步。在我们的休息室里贴出一张告示：“新的奖励计划——不干活，就解雇！”

91　She’s not yours 她不是你的孩子

My baby-sitter brought my one-year-old daughter into the supermarket where I work. When she spotted me, her wailing could be heard throughout the entire store. Unsure what to do, I just smiled and continued scanning a customer’s groceries. The woman said, “Thank God she’s not yours.”

替我照顾孩子的阿姨把我一岁的女儿带到我工作的超级市场来。孩子看见我就大哭大闹，整个商店都能听到。我不知所措，只能笑着继续扫描顾客买的杂货。那位顾客说：“感谢上帝，幸亏她不是你的孩子。”

92　Coming or leaving 是来上班，还是回家

Safety is a major concern in my company. I’m constantly preaching caution to the workers. “Does anyone know,” I asked them one day, “what the speed limit is in our parking lot?” “That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?” One of them replied.

我们公司很关心安全。我经常对工人们唠叨，让他们小心。有一天，我问他们：“有没有人知道我们的停车场限速是多少？”有一位这样回答：“这要看是来上班，还是回家。”

93　Here comes my neighbor 我邻居的房子过来了

There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by and says, “What do you think you’re doing?” The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, here comes my neighbor.”

一个醉汉站在马路拐角。一个警察走过，问他：“你这是在干什么？”醉汉说：“我听说地球每24小时转一圈。我在这里等我的房子过来。不用等多久了。我邻居的房子过来了。”

94　Let ’em finish! 让他们快干完！

While driving on highway, I kept having to slow down for road repair crews. To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, “Let ’em work. Let ’em live.” On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, “Let ’em finish!”

在高速公路上行驶，我不得不经常减速来躲避修路工程队。为了保证修路工人的安全，高速公路局沿路设置了许多“让他们工作，让他们（生）活”的标语。有一个恼怒的司机在一个标语上添了一句：“让他们快干完！”

95　My Dream Job 梦寐以求的工作

I found a dream job—testing computer games. My first day at work I was listing testing plans in an Excel program when my manager walked by. He looked at my screen for a moment, then said sternly, “I’d better not catch you using Excel on company time when you know you should be playing games.”

我找到了我梦寐以求的工作——测试电脑游戏。上班第一天，我正在用Excel列表软件做测试计划，我的上司从旁边走过。他对着我的屏幕看了一阵，然后严厉地说：“最好不要让我抓到你在上班时间用列表软件。你知道你上班时间应该玩游戏。”

96　Which nine items? 哪九件哪？

I was waiting in the express lane at the store. Completely ignoring the sign “up to 9 items,” the woman ahead of me slipped to the cashier pushing a cart piled high with groceries. The cashier looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “Which nine items would you like to buy?”

我正在商店的快速交款队伍上排队。排在我前面的女人完全无视“最多九件”的标记，推着堆满了日用品的推车慢慢滑行到收银员那里。收银员看着这车东西，甜甜地问：“你要买哪九件哪？”

97　I’ll take all three 三只我都买了

When a woman requested a whole roaster at the market, the butcher didn’t let on that the bird was the last one. “Do you have one a little larger?” she asked. “Of course,” said the butcher. He took the roaster behind the counter, away from view, and made a lot of noise rolling it around the ice as if he were searching for just the right chicken. He then showed the same bird to her. “Better,” she said. “Do you have one with a little more meat on it?” He took the chicken, rolled it in the ice and offered it up a third time. “Great,” the woman said. “I’ll take all three.”

当一个女顾客说她要买一只整鸡的时候，卖肉的人没有告诉她这是最后一只。她问：“你有没有比这只大一点的？”卖肉的说：“当然。”他把这只鸡拿到柜台后面看不见的地方，把鸡放在冰上滚得沙沙响，好像他正在找一只合适的鸡。然后，他把同一只鸡拿给她看。她说：“这只好一点。你还有没有肉多一些的？”他拿这只鸡又放在冰上滚，然后拿上来第三次给她看。她说：“太好了，三只我都买了。”

98　The traffic light’s red 红灯了

My wife needed encouragement to keep pedaling the exercise bike in gym. I said, “Close your eyes and imagine you’re riding along Broadway in New York City. It will be more interesting.” Inspired, she cycled on, but after a minute she stopped. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “The traffic light’s red,” she replied.

我太太需要一些鼓励才能继续蹬健身自行车。我说：“你闭上眼睛，想象你是沿着纽约的百老汇大街在骑车。这样比较有趣。”得到这个灵感，她继续蹬下去。但是仅仅一分钟她又停下了。我问她：“怎么啦？”她回答说：“红灯了。”

99　We don’t need to change the name 名字不需要改了

My co-worker at the bus company needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier, and dug out the letter I’d written then. “All you have to do,” I told her, “is change the details, the date and the name.” She looked it over and smiled wryly. “We don’t need to change the name.”

我在长途汽车公司的同事要写一封信向顾客道歉。那位顾客的旅行从头到尾都糟透了。我提醒这个同事说一年前曾经有过类似的情况，还找出那时我写的一封信。我告诉她：“你只要改一下日期、名字和具体细节就可以了。”她看了一遍，苦笑着说：“名字不需要改了。”

100　That’s me 那是我

Two little girls are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks at it. “WOW! I know this person. I’ve seen this person before.” The other girl takes the mirror and looks at it. “Of course you do. That’s me.”

两个小姑娘走在马路上。其中一个看到地上有一面镜子，就把它捡起来看。她说：“噢，我认识这个人。我以前见过她。”她的同伴把镜子拿过去，看了一下说：“你当然认识这个人。那是我。”

101　Break Time 休息时间

In an effort to stop my employees’ abusing allotted break time, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: “Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes.”

为了制止雇员们滥用拨出的休息时间，我在告示板上贴了一个通知：“自即日起，你们的15分钟休息从半小时缩短为20分钟。”

102　Chivalry 骑士精神

Sitting in the cab waiting for a fare, I watched as a downpour left puddles just off the curb. Then the back door opened and a customer got in. As I asked the destination, the would-be passenger exited through the other door, successfully avoiding the puddles. “Thanks,” she said. “Chivalry isn’t dead after all.”

坐在出租汽车里等顾客，我看见倾盆大雨在马路边上留下许多水坑。后门开了，进来一个顾客。我刚要问她去哪里，她却从另一边的门下去了，成功地避开了水坑。她说：“谢谢。骑士精神还是没死。”

103　The garbage can is the garbage 这个垃圾桶是垃圾

I’ve been hauling trash for years, so when the sign “Garbage” appeared on a trash can, I replaced it with my own note: “After 20 years on the job, I know garbage when I see it!” I emptied the can and left. The next week, a new note appeared on the same can: “Dear Professor Trash, the garbage can is the garbage!”

我收垃圾已经有些年头了。所以，当我看见一个垃圾桶上放了一张写着“垃圾”字样的纸，就把它换成我的字条：“干这行20年之后，我一看见垃圾就知道！”我把垃圾桶里的东西倒出来之后就走了。过了一星期，在这个垃圾桶上又出现另一张字条：“亲爱的垃圾教授，这个垃圾桶是垃圾！”

104　Hidden Intent 居心不良

My dry cleaner very generously gives each customer a free copy of our daily newspaper. As I took my copy, I told him, “I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost.” “Oh, don’t worry about us,” he said. “Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint.”

我们的干洗店老板很慷慨地送给每一个顾客一份报纸。我在取报纸的时候对他说：“我希望增加的生意能抵得上这个开支。”他说：“哦，不要担心。再没有什么比报纸更能弄脏衣服了。”

105　Was he fired? 他被开除了吗？

A co-worker had a unique scheme to meet women. He’d call a random number. If a man picked up, he apologized for dialing the “wrong” number. But when a woman answered, he’d strike up a conversation. One day, the department manager overheard him bragging how he averaged two dates a week from this ploy. Was he fired? Did he receive a reprimand? No, he was named Director of Telemarketing.

一个同事对付女人有一套。他随意打一个电话号码，如果是男人接电话，他就道歉说打错了。但如果是女人接电话，他就会搭上话。有一天，部门经理听见他吹嘘说，他用这套办法平均每星期约会两个女人。他被开除了吗？他受到训诫了吗？没有。他被任命为电话销售部主任了。

106　Is there another door? 还有没有别的门？

Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had noticed that she was walking in late every day. After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a problem and even offered a solution, “Is there another door I could use?”

一个新雇员从来不按时上班。作为办公室主管，我得说几句。我对她解释说，她这样拖拖拉拉是不能接受的。其他同事都注意到她每天都迟到。听完我的话之后，她承认这是个问题，她还提出一个解决办法：“还有没有别的门可以走？”

107　Leave the color 把彩色留下

Years ago, people rented phones from the telephone company. If you pay a one-time fee, you can have a color model. One customer, who had had his phone for some time, forgot how this worked. When I was disconnecting his service, he objected to my leaving with his phone. “That’s mine,” he said angrily. “I paid for it.” “No, sir, you paid for the color, not the phone,” I explained. “Okay, take the phone,” he said calmly, “but leave the color.”

多年以前，人们是从电话公司租用电话机。你如果付一笔一次性的费用，还可以租到一台彩色的电话机。有一个顾客，他用电话已经很久，忘记当时是怎么回事了。当我去给他拆线的时候，他反对我把电话机拿走。他生气地说：“这是我的电话机，我付了钱的。”我向他解释说：“先生，不是这样。你付的是彩色的钱，而不是电话机的钱。”他平静地说：“那好吧。把电话机拿走，把彩色留下。”

108　Honey, so do I! 亲爱的，我也要！

We were discussing the “don’ts” of public speaking in the PR class I teach. “Don’ts” include a man reaching into his pant pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is very distracting. To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, “I need a man with coins in his pocket.” What I got was a girl yelling out, “Honey, so do I!”

在我教的公共关系课上，我们正在讨论公共场合讲话时“不要做什么”。其中有一项就是男人在讲话的时候，不要把手伸进裤子口袋，把硬币弄得哗哗响。这会分散注意力。为了阐明我的观点，我要一个学生做示范。我说：“我要的是一个男人，口袋里有硬币。”结果，一个女孩大叫说：“亲爱的，我也要！”

109　Put it on my sister 加到我妹妹身上

People don’t like to look dumpy in their own snapshots, which is why I get a lot of requests asking me to retouch photos. So I wasn’t surprised when one woman, pointing to a family portrait, asked me, “Can you take 30 pounds off me?” until she added, “And put it on my sister?”

人们不喜欢在自己的照片里显得矮胖。这就是为什么他们经常要求我修照片的原因。所以，当一个女人指着合家欢照片对我说：“你能不能把我去掉30磅”的时候我没有大吃一惊，直到她说：“加到我妹妹身上。”

110　If I’d only known 如果我早知道

Fortune-teller is the popular attraction at the amusement park where I work. One chilly, windy afternoon, I stopped to chat. “How’s business?” I asked. “Not good,” she said. “Only two customers had come by.” She then added, “If I’d only known things were going to be this quiet, I wouldn’t have bothered to open.”

算命是我工作的娱乐公园里一项受欢迎的项目。在一个寒冷、刮风的下午，我到那里聊天。我问她：“生意怎么样？”她说：“不好。只有两个顾客。”她又接着说：“如果早知道生意这么清淡，我就不费事开门了。”

111　What do I do now? 现在我该干什么？

One Sunday, while serving as a guest minister to a church, I noticed in the program an order of worship with which I was unfamiliar. Since the service had already begun, I was unable to ask anybody about it. When we reached that particular moment, I swallowed my pride and asked from the pulpit, “What do I do now?” Someone in the congregation shouted back, “You say something and we respond.” Embarrassed, I admitted, “For the first time in my life, I’m speechless.” And the congregation responded, “Thanks to God.”

一个星期天，当我作为客串牧师到一个教会去侍奉的时候，看到节目单上有一个崇拜项目我不熟悉。由于礼拜已经开始，我不好问别人。当我们做到这一项的时候，我放下自尊心，从讲坛上问：“现在我该干什么？”会众中有人喊回来：“你说话，我们回应。”我很窘迫地承认：“我这辈子头一次说不出话。”这时候会众响应说：“感谢神。”

112　Have you seen her grades? 你没看见她的成绩吗？

As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D’s, I explained that her daughter just wasn’t as “competitive” as the admitted class. “Why doesn’t she try another school for a year and then transfer?” I suggested. “Another school!” exclaimed Mom. “Have you seen her grades?”

我是一所州立大学的招生员。我接到一个愤怒的母亲打来的电话，要求知道为什么她的女儿没有被录取。我避免说她女儿的成绩单上全是D，只是解释说她的女儿不像被录取的学生那样“有竞争性”。我建议说：“你女儿可以先到别的学校学一年，然后再转学。”那位妈妈大喊道：“转学？你没看见她的成绩吗？”

113　Smart Shopper 聪明的顾客

Neither snow, nor rain will stop me from delivering junk mail. One day, I delivered an envelope full of coupons to a home that was addressed: “To the Smart Shopper at…” The next day, the envelope was returned with this note scrawled on it: “Not at This Address.”

不论下雪还是下雨都不能阻挡我送广告。有一天，我送一个装满优惠券的信封到一家。信封上写着：“……（地址）聪明的顾客收”。第二天，这个信封被退了回来，上面写着“查无此人”。

114　Something Unexpected 意料之外的事

My wife was so excited that she was to interview a woman psychic. She wasn’t sure how seriously to take the woman’s supposed powers. “What if it’s bad news, like I’m going to die or something?” But the morning of the interview, the psychic called. She had to postpone the interview, something unexpected had come up.

我太太对即将要和一位女巫师面谈感到非常兴奋。她不能肯定对女巫师的能力应该相信到什么程度。“万一是个坏消息，比如我快死了之类怎么办呢？”就在要面谈的那天早上，女巫师打电话来了。她要推迟面谈，因为发生了意料之外的事。

115　It’s raining 天在下雨

As a commercial diver in the offshore oil fields of the Gulf of Mexico, I was assigned to a job on board a derrick barge. After my dive I spent the required time in the decompression chamber, and went to bed. Later I walked into the TV room, where I was surprised to see the entire dive crew sitting around. I asked one colleague, dressed in his wet suit, why work had stopped. Without looking up at me, he replied, “It’s raining.”

我是墨西哥湾海上油田的商业潜水员。我被指派到海上采油平台上去工作。我潜完水，并在减压舱里呆满要求的时间，然后就去睡觉了。后来我到电视室里去，意外地看见我们整个潜水队都坐在那里。我问一个穿着湿衣服的同事，为什么工作停了。他连头都不抬地说：“天在下雨。”

116　Want a new car real bad 急需一辆新车

Snow was falling heavily the day I decided to visit a car dealership. I was confident I’d get a great deal, figuring the salesmen would be desperate for customers on such a lousy day. Sure enough, when I entered the showroom, I was the only client. But my hope of getting a good deal quickly faded with the salesman’s first words. “Boy,” he said jovially, “you must want a new car real bad to come out on a day like this.”

下大雪那天我到卖车行去。我以为自己一定能拿到好价钱，因为这种坏天气销售商肯定会拼命拉顾客。毫无疑问，当我进入陈列室的时候，我是唯一的顾客。但是，当我听到销售商说的第一句话的时候，以为自己能够拿到好价钱的希望就破灭了。因为他友好地说：“你在这种坏天气出来，肯定是急需一辆新车。”

117　I’m not picky 我不是那种挑剔的人

I was checking in an airline passenger for a flight when, as the boarding pass was being printed, she asked for a seat in the emergency-exit row. “Wait a minute,” she interrupted, as I started printing a replacement pass, “how about the window seat?” I made the second change, and then she said, “Oh, and I’d like an aisle seat if you have it.” Trying to anticipate her next demand, I asked, “Would you prefer the aisle seat on the left or the right?” “It doesn’t matter,” she said dismissively. “I’m not picky.”

我在给一位旅客办理登机手续。在印登机卡的时候，她要求换到紧急出口那一排去坐。当我给她重印登机卡的时候，她打断我说：“等一下，换一个靠窗的座位怎么样？”我给她第二次更改之后，她又说：“哦，如果你有靠中间过道的位子，我想换一个。”试图抢在她说出下一个要求之前，我问她：“你是喜欢在过道的左边还是右边？”她轻蔑地说：“那有什么关系？我不是那种挑剔的人。”

118　How red was the light? 红灯有多红？

A young man ran a red light while I, as a driving examiner, was giving him a road test. I told him that he had automatically failed the test. We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. She asked incredulously, “He ran red? How red was the light?”

我作为路考官在给一个年轻人路考的时候，他闯了红灯。我告诉他，路考自动不及格。我们回到办公室，见到他的妈妈。我告诉她发生了什么事。她怀疑地说：“他闯了红灯？那灯有多红？”

119　In his own terminology 三句不离本行

On the job as a dental receptionist, I answered the phone from an auto-repair shop. The man on the line begged to see the dentist because of a painful tooth. “Which side of your mouth hurts?” I asked the patient. He sighed and answered, “The driver side.”

我是牙医诊所的前台接待员，接到一个男子从修车铺打来的电话，因牙痛求见牙医。我问他是哪一侧的牙齿痛。他叹了一口气说：“是司机那一侧的。”

120　The Perplexed Clerk 困惑的店员

Heavily laden with groceries, my wife asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list of errands. A moment later the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my wife. “Lady,” he said firmly. “I don’t mind helping you load your groceries, but I really got to draw the line at driving you home.”

我太太买了一大堆杂货，就请杂货铺的年轻店员帮她把东西送到她车上。到了那里，她打开车门，便不假思索地坐到后排座位上，查看她的办事清单。过了一会儿，那个困惑的店员从车后面绕过来，语气坚定地对我太太说：“我很乐意帮你装车，但是我实在是不能把你送回家。”

121　Telemarketer 电话推销员

My fellow colleague was bristle when he hung the phone up. I asked him what had happened. He frowned and said, “She called me an insurance agent.” “Don’t kid yourself,” I told him. “You are an insurance agent.” “No, I’m not!” he replied hotly. “I’m a telemarketer!”

我的同事怒发冲冠地挂断了电话。我问他发生了什么事。他皱着眉头说：“她称我为保险代理。”我说：“你别跟自己开玩笑了。你确实是保险代理。”他生气地说：“不，我不是。我是电话推销员。”

122　Personal Experience 亲身经历

I am teaching business class at the local prison. One night, when in the chapter on banking, I mentioned that, on average, ATM contains only about $15,000 at a given time. Just then a man in the back raised his hand. “I’m not trying to be disrespectful,” he said, “but the machine I robbed had about $50,000 in it.”

我在一个当地的监狱里教商科。一天晚上，在教银行系统这一章的时候，我谈到自动提款机里面平均只有大约1.5万美元。就在这时候，后排有一个男子举起了手。他说：“我不是存心要不尊敬你。不过我抢的那台自动提款机里面大约有5万美元。”

123　Express Line 快速交款队伍

I nabbed a shoplifter in the act. When I was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, he tried to run away. After a scuffle, I pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at me. “Everything’s fine, folks,” I reassured them. “This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items.”

我当场抓获一名正在商店里行窃的小偷。在我押送这名嫌犯到前面办公室去的途中，他试图逃跑。经过一阵小小的扭打，我把他压在墙上。当我抬起头来的时候，发现好几双吃惊的眼睛在盯着我看。我安慰他们说：“一切正常。这家伙只是想拿超过九样东西从快速交款队伍里过去。”

124　Work at two restaurants 在两家餐馆打工

I work at two restaurants on the same street. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to the second place. But I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were too cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied. When I raced out the door and arrived at my second job, a server immediately handed me my first order. “Make sure these hash browns are hot,” she said, “because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones.”

我在同一条街上的两家餐馆打工。一个星期六的晚上，我正要结束在一家餐馆的晚班，赶往另一家。但是我被耽误了，因为有一张餐桌不断把煎土豆饼退回来，说是太凉。我给他们换了几次，但顾客仍然不满意。当我像赛跑一样赶到第二家餐馆的时候，服务员马上递给我第一份订单。她说：“你一定确保煎土豆饼要热。因为他们刚从街那头的餐馆过来，那里一直给他们上凉的煎土豆饼。”

125　He wants to talk with you 上帝要和你说话

My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist church. We gave our presentation to the church committee, and then the group’s chairman walked to the altar and knelt down. After about a minute of silent prayer, he returned and announced in a solemn tone, “The Lord tells me we should wait.” My colleague walked to the altar and knelt down himself. Then he returned to the group, looked at the chairman and declared, “He wants to talk with you again.”

我和我的同事正在向一间乡村基督教浸信会推销商品。我们给教会的领导们作了演示介绍。然后他们的头儿走到祭坛前跪下来，默默祷告大约一分钟之后，他走回来，宣布说：“上帝告诉我，我们应该等待。”我的同事也走到祭坛前跪下来。然后他走回来，看着他们的头儿宣布说：“上帝还要和你说话。”

126　Good with people 与人相处好

I used to run a temporary-staffing service. My agency did mandatory background checks on all job candidates. One day when I was entering information into the computer from a young man’s application, I noticed that he had a previous conviction for second-degree manslaughter. Below that, on the line listing his skills, he had written “Good with people.”

我曾经经营一家安排临时性工作的服务公司。所有的待聘人员都必须经过我们公司的背景调查。有一天，我正在把一个年轻人的申请表里的信息往电脑里输送，我注意到他曾经被定为二级过失杀人罪。在那下面“列出本人技能”一栏里，他写着：“与人相处好”。

127　Road closed 道路关闭

Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural area. Highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past their sign to the trench they had dug in the middle of the road. They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming toward them from the same direction a couple of hours later. “Oh,” she said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench crew. “Is it closed in this direction too?”

在乡间，人们往往忽视道路关闭的警示标志。所以，当一个女人开车从修路工人旁边经过，开往他们在路中间挖的大沟的时候，他们几乎都没有在意。可是，两个小时以后，同一个女人从同一个方向又开过来的时候，他们感到惊奇。当她又开到挖沟队跟前的时候，她惊慌失措地说：“怎么这个方向也关闭了呢？”

128　An Incident 一个事故

Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy. “I just had a baby,” I proudly announced to the representative. “Congratulations! I’ll get all of your information and activate your policy,” she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, “Was this a work-related incident?”

生完第二个孩子以后，我给保险公司打电话，请求短期伤残保险金。我骄傲地对保险代表说：“我刚生了一个孩子。”她说：“祝贺你！我会记录你的全部信息，并且启动你的保险待遇。”在她记录完我的基本情况，如姓名、地址等之后，她问我：“这个事故是和工作有关的吗？”

129　Freedom’s Door 自由之门

Decal on the door of a military base: “Freedom’s Door Is Open to Everyone.” Below it, another decal: “Authorized Personnel Only!”

在一个军事基地的门上贴了两条标语。上面一条写着：“自由之门向每个人敞开”；下面一条写着：“未经许可，不得入内”。

130　Shark, Bear and Children 鲨鱼、熊和儿童

Flashlights used by my National Guard unit can withstand almost anything. And to prove it, they come with a lifetime warranty. Nevertheless, nothing is indestructible, which is why the warranty also cautions, “Void with shark bites, bear attacks and children under the age of five.”

我们国家卫队用的手电筒几乎可以抵御任何东西。为了证明这一点，它们是带着终身保用来的。然而，没有任何东西是不能摧毁的。这就是为什么在保用上写着：“避免鲨鱼咬、熊袭击以及五岁以下的儿童。”

131　The Eighth Symptom 第八个症状

Hypochondriac that I am, I constantly log on to the Internet to self-diagnose my latest ailment. But even I knew it was time to lighten up the day I typed in the key words liver disorders. That led me to a medical site. With growing alarm I realized I had each of the first seven symptoms. Then I came to No. 8 and suddenly felt much better: “Feeling of lethargy. No longer enjoys romping and wagging tail.”

我患有忧郁症，经常登录到网上去自我诊断我最近的疾病。尽管知道应该乐观起来了，我还是键入了关键词“肝脏失常”。它把我带进一个医学网站。当看到头七个症状我全有的时候，我越来越紧张。当看到第八个症状的时候，我突然觉得好多了：“没精打采、不再喜爱玩闹和摇尾巴。”

132　Statue of St. Joseph 圣约瑟的塑像

There is a folk belief that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property, it will be sold more quickly. When I was getting ready to move, I buried the St. Joseph near my front door. A few days later a woman made an offer. Since she had to sell her property, I suggested she enlist the help of the saint as well. After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and in disgust put the statue out in her trash. A week later she opened her local paper and read: “Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer.”

有一种民间的信念，就是如果把圣约瑟的塑像埋在一份地产里，这份地产就能较快卖掉。当我准备搬家的时候，我就把圣约瑟的塑像埋在我的前门口。几天以后就有一个妇女出了价。由于她也要出卖她的地产，我建议她也获得这位圣徒的帮助。她在她的草坪上埋了许多圣像，但一个月以后依然无人问津。一气之下，她把圣像扔进了垃圾箱。一个星期以后，她打开当地报纸，赫然登着一条消息：“市政府把垃圾场卖给私人开发商”。

133　An Amateur Mom 外行妈妈

I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son’s little league game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw one wild pitch after another. The poor kid walked every batter. It was only the first inning and the score was 14—0. Then one batter finally smacked the ball. “Oh no,” the mom wailed. “There goes his no-hitter.”

在观看我儿子的小棒球队比赛的时候，坐在我前面的是一位热情的妈妈。她的儿子是对方队的投手。她不断地为她儿子一个接一个投出的坏球欢呼。这个可怜的孩子让每一个击球手都走进下一个垒。才第一局，比分就已经是14比0。终于有一个击球手打到了球。这位妈妈大声哭叫说：“啊呀！他打不中的记录没保住！”

134　Good luck 祝你好运

I had just gotten off the subway when a ragged-looking street person came walking up to me and asked, “Excuse me. Do you have a dollar?” Ordinarily I’m a soft touch, but I hadn’t been able to get to an ATM that day and my purse was practically empty. “I’m sorry. I don’t.” I apologized. “Here you go.” he said, handing me a single. “Good luck.”

我刚从地铁下来，一个衣着破旧的流浪汉走到我跟前问我：“请问，你有一块钱吗？”通常我是个富有同情心的人，但是那天我没能去自动提款机，我的钱包实在已经空了。我道歉说：“对不起，我没有。”他递过来一块钱，说：“给你，祝你好运。”

135　The Most Hideous Thing 最丑陋的东西

I installed a night light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out. I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out, then finally bought it. “That will look great in your home,” I said. “Oh, it’s not for me.” she explained. “My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we can find. What I’ve got here is a winner.”

我用我在海滩捡到的一个海螺壳做了一个夜间灯。我太太一看见就不喜欢。之后，她在门前出售旧货时，这是她第一个拿出去卖的东西。当一个妇女一次又一次回来看它，并最后把它买下来的时候，我觉得报了仇。我说：“它放在你家里会很好看的。”她解释说：“哦，不是我要。我们桥牌俱乐部要举行一次慈善拍卖。要求我们拿我们可以找得到的最丑陋的东西去。我在这里买到的东西一定能赢。”

136　Capricorns 摩羯座的人

First thing—every single morning—one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone’s horoscope aloud. “Mike,” said our boss finally, “you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?” “Of course not,” Mike answered. “You know how skeptical we Capricorns are.”

我们办公室里的一个秘书每天早上第一件事就是打开报纸，大声地朗读每一个人的星象。终于有一天我们的老板说：“麦克，你看上去是一个正常的、头脑冷静的人。你真的相信占星术吗？”麦克回答说：“当然不相信。你知道我们摩羯座的人是多么怀疑宗教教条的人。”

137　Car Locator 找车器

After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. “Wow,” the woman said. “I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car.” “Actually,” I replied, “That’s my husband.”

在一家繁忙的商店买完东西，我碰巧和另一个妇女一起出来。这时候才发现要想在这样拥挤的停车场找到我们的车有多么困难。正在这个时候，我的车的喇叭响了，我很快找到了我的车。那位妇女说：“啊，我也应该用这么一个小装置来帮我找车。”我回答说：“其实，那是我的丈夫。”

138　Hi Dan! 你好，丹！

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man: “To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.” The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.” The lawyer concluded, “And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will—well you are wrong. Hi Dan!”

一个律师正在宣读一个富人的遗嘱：“我亲爱的太太罗丝，不论是顺境还是逆境，你都在我的身边。我给你留下房子和200万美元。我的女儿杰西卡，她在我生病的时候照顾我，使生意继续运转。我把帆船、生意和100万美元留给她。我的表弟丹，你恨我，和我争吵，并且以为我在遗嘱里不会提到你的名字。你错了——你好，丹！”

139　Loose-fitting Clothing 宽松的衣服

Clearly I was not going to win the battle of the bulge on my own, so I decided to join a gym. “Before you start working out, we like to do a health assessment,” explained the gym representative. “When you come in, wear loose-fitting clothing.” “If I had loose-fitting clothing, we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” I replied.

很显然，单靠我自己已经无法战胜发胖的趋势，所以我决定参加一个健身房。健身房的代表解释说：“在你开始之前，我们来做一个健康评估。你进来的时候，穿一件宽松的衣服。”我回答说：“我如果有宽松的衣服，就不会在这里和你说话了。”

140　We adopted 我们的孩子是领养的

Our catering manager lacks certain social skills—like knowing when to keep her mouth shut. While discussing a baby christening party with a young couple, she told the mother, “You look like you’ve lost most of your pregnancy weight.” “Thanks,” came the clenched-teeth reply. “We adopted.”

我们的酒席承包经理缺乏一些社交技巧，比如什么时候不应该说话。当她和一对年轻的夫妇讨论婴儿施洗聚会的时候，她对那个妈妈说：“看起来你怀孕时增加的体重大部分都减下去了。”对方咬着牙齿说：“谢谢。我们的孩子是领养的。”

141　Discretion assured 确保谨慎

I looked out my apartment window and noticed a truck parked outside. On the side, in large letters, it read, “Specialty: Extermination of Rats, Mice, Vermin, Etc.” And then, in smaller letters, “Discretion Assured.”

从我的公寓的窗子望出去，我看到外面停了一辆卡车。在它的侧面，用大字写着：“专门灭绝田鼠、家鼠、害虫等等”。下面用小字写着：“确保谨慎”。

142　After a massive heart attack 严重心脏病发作以后

When a guest suffered a massive heart attack in my restaurant, I immediately initiated CPR, keeping him alive until medics arrived. As they rushed the man to the hospital, his lunch partner approached me and stuck out her hand. I gripped it firmly, only to find a parking ticket clasped inside it. “Do you folks validate?” she asked.

当我们餐馆的一位客人严重心脏病发作的时候，我马上启动急救，维持他的生命，直到医护人员到达。当他们把他急送医院以后，和他一起吃饭的女人走过来，伸出她的手。我把她的手紧紧握住，却发现她紧紧抓住的是一张停车证。她问：“你们给不给免费停车？”

143　She knows McDonald’s only 她只知道麦当劳

I was taking orders at the drive-up window at a Mexican restaurant. “Let me have a strawberry milkshake,” one woman said through the microphone. “I’m sorry, but we don’t sell milkshakes here,” I replied. “McDonald’s next door sells them if you’d really like one.” “Oh,” said the woman, laughing at her mistake. “No, that’s okay. Since I’m already here, just give me a Happy Meal.”

我在一家墨西哥餐馆的免下车窗口接受顾客订单。一个女人通过麦克风说：“我要一份草莓奶昔。”我回答说：“对不起，我们这里不卖奶昔。如果你真想要的话，可以到隔壁的麦当劳去买。”这个女人为自己的错误哈哈大笑，说：“啊不，没关系。我既然已经在这里了，就给我来一份快乐儿童餐吧。”（注：快乐儿童餐也是麦当劳的商品名字。）

144　They send in the obituary writer 他们把写讣告的人派来了

As a writer for one of the less glamorous sections of a newspaper, I also do entertainment features on rare occasions. Once, I was assigned to review a play that hadn’t opened yet. After the rehearsal, I was chatting with the cast and mentioned what I usually do at the paper. One thespian, shaking his head, remarked, “Oh, great. The play hasn’t even opened yet, and they send in the obituary writer.”

我是一家报纸的不太热门的专栏作家。偶尔也写一些娱乐特写报道。有一次，我被派去评论一个尚未上演的剧目。看完排练以后，我和演员们聊天，谈到我在报社通常干什么。一个演员摇摇头评论说：“噢，太棒了。这个剧还没有上演，他们已经把写讣告的人派来了。”

145　My vision’s not too good 我眼神不太好

I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder. One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat. The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. “Could you read me the number?” he asked. “My vision’s not too good.”

我在一个半职业的棒球队打球。每次比赛我们都卖抽奖券。用其中一半钱支付球队的开销，另一半给中奖的人。有一天当我走上去要击球的时候，他们正在抽奖。本垒板裁判员抽出中奖票，递给我说：“你能不能把号码念给我听？我眼神不太好。”

146　Much more humane 人道得多

“Good morning, I’d like some rat poison, please.” “I’m sorry sir, we don’t sell it. Have you tried Boots?” “No, poisoning is much more humane than kicking them to death.”

“早上好！我要买一些耗子药。”“对不起，先生。我们不卖耗子药。你有没有试过耗子夹子？”“没有。用耗子药比把耗子踢死要人道得多。”

III.　幽默笑话

147　The Cowboy without a Horse 牛仔丢马

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my HOSS?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m GONNA have ANOTHA beer, and if my HOSS AIN’T back outside by the time I FINNISH, I’m GONNA do what I DUN in Texas! and I don’t like to have to do what I DUN in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

一个牛仔骑马进城，在一家小酒馆停留。当地人有欺生的习惯。当这个牛仔喝完酒出来，发现他的马丢了。他走回酒馆，熟练地拔出手枪，举过头顶，看也不看就朝天花板开了一枪。他用浓厚的南方口音大喊道：“你们这些响尾蛇，谁偷了我的马？”没有人回答。“得，我再喝一瓶啤酒。如果我喝完酒，我的马还没有回来，我就只好做我在德州做过的事情了。而我是不愿意做我在德州做过的事情的。”在座的人有的坐立不安了。他喝下一瓶啤酒，走到门外，他的马回来了！他骑上马往城外走去。酒馆老板走出来，问道：“我说伙计，你在德州做什么事了？”那个牛仔回过头来说：“我只好走回家了。”

148　Where did you get that haircut 你在哪里理的发

Bob walked into Mike’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. Mike asks, “What’s up?” Bob proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome. “ROME?” Mike says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how Ya getting there?” “We’re taking TWA,” Bob replies. “TWA?” yells Mike. “They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?” Bob says, “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot.” “That DUMP?” says Mike. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?” Bob says, “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.” “HA! That’s rich!” laughs Mike, “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, Bob comes in for his regular haircut. Mike says, “Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!” “No, quite the opposite” explained Bob. “Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!” “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.” “No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!” “Well,” Mike mumbles, “I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!” “Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.” Impressed, Mike asks, “Tell me, please! What’d he say?” “Oh, not much really. Just ‘Where did you get that awful haircut?’”

鲍勃到麦克的理发店剪头。麦克问他：“有什么新鲜事？”鲍勃说他要到罗马去度假。麦克说：“罗马？你为什么要到罗马去？那是一个又脏又挤、满是意大利人的城市。你一定是发疯了才要到罗马去。那么你们怎么去呢？”鲍勃说：“我们乘TWA去。”“TWA！”麦克大喊起来，“那是糟透了的航空公司。他们的飞机陈旧，空中小姐都很丑，他们还老是晚点。那么你们到罗马住哪里呢？”鲍勃说：“我们要住在罗马市中心国际万豪酒店。”麦克说：“那个垃圾？那是罗马最糟的酒店！房间小，服务又慢又生硬，价钱还忒贵。那么你们在罗马要干什么呢？”鲍勃说：“我们要去梵蒂冈，希望能见到教皇。”“哈！够劲儿的。”麦克大笑起来，“你和成千上万的人挤着去看他。他看起来就像蚂蚁那么大一点儿。乖乖，祝你一路交好运。你会需要好运的。”

一个月以后，鲍勃又到麦克的理发店剪头。麦克问他：“你的罗马旅行怎么样？我敢打赌TWA是你这辈子飞过的最差航线了吧？”鲍勃解释说：“不，恰恰相反。我们不但坐了他们的新飞机，飞行正点，而且因为满员，让我们免费升级到一等舱。食物和酒都很棒。而且有一位28岁的漂亮空中小姐尽心尽意地为我服务。”“那么我敢打赌，旅馆一定像所我说的那样糟。”“不，恰恰相反。他们刚刚完成了2500万美元的装修，现在是罗马最好的旅馆了。他们的客房预定过了头。所以向我们道歉，让我们免费升级到总统套房。”麦克喃喃地说：“嗯，我知道你们没有见到教皇。”“事实上，我们非常幸运。我们在梵蒂冈观光的时候，一位瑞士卫兵拍拍我的肩膀，向我解释说教皇愿意单独会见一些观光客。如果我肯赏光到教皇的房间等候，教皇会单独会见我。确实，五分钟以后教皇从门里出来和我握手。我跪下来。他对我说了几个字。”麦克的心被打动了，说：“快告诉我，他说什么了？”鲍勃说：“哦，没说多少。他只是问我这么难看的头发是在哪里理的。”

149　Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit 熊先生和兔先生

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave him or her three wishes. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine and said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was female!” and rode off as fast as he could!

熊先生和兔先生互不喜欢。有一天，在森林里走的时候，他们碰上了一个金色的青蛙。他们听到青蛙对他们说话，大吃一惊。青蛙说他不常碰见谁。但是如果碰上了，他就满足每个人三个愿望。熊先生马上就说，希望这个森林里所有其他的熊都变成母的。青蛙满足了他的愿望。兔先生想了一会儿说，他希望有一个头盔。头盔马上出现了，兔先生把它戴在头上。熊先生对兔先生的愿望很吃惊。但是他说出了他的第二个愿望。他希望邻近几个森林里的熊也都变成母的。青蛙也满足了他的愿望。兔先生说他的第二个愿望是要一辆摩托车。摩托车出现了，兔先生骑了上去，发动了引擎。熊先生难以相信，并且抱怨说，兔先生浪费了两个愿望。熊先生一边摇头一边说出他最后一个愿望：把世界上所有其他的熊都变成母的，使他成为唯一的公熊。青蛙说，这个愿望也实现了。这时，他们俩都转过来听兔先生最后一个愿望。兔先生一边轰着油门一边说：“我希望熊先生是母的。”说完就一溜烟地跑开了。

150　You first 您先请

After I saw a mouse scurrying across my kitchen, I set out some poison and went to bed. But I didn’t realize I left a half-finished cup of yogurt on the counter. The next morning when I went to toss it away, I noticed that tucked in the yogurt were two of the pellets I’d left for Mr. Mouse. I had to smile. It was like he was saying, “You first.”

看见一只老鼠在厨房里蹿过去，我下了一些耗子药，就去睡了。但是我忘了厨台上还放了一杯喝了一半的酸奶。第二天早上，当我去扔酸奶的时候，发现里面有两颗我为老鼠先生准备的小药丸。我苦笑了一下。这好像是它在对我说：“您先请。”

151　A Good Idea 好主意

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

为什么要把犯罪分子的照片贴在邮局？我们该做什么？写信给他们？为什么不把犯罪分子的照片印在邮票上，让人一面送信一面找他们？

152　A Personal Question 一个私人问题

At the cashier one busy day the line grew quite long. There was much grumbling among those waiting, but one man made light of the situation. He approached a woman who was obviously very pregnant and tapped her on the shoulder. “Would you mind my asking a personal question?” he said. “Were you pregnant when you got in this line?”

在一个繁忙的日子，收银员那里排了很长的队。等着的人已经在发牢骚。但是一名男子比较轻松。他走到一个显然已经怀孕很久的女人背后，拍拍她的肩膀说：“我能不能问你一个私人问题：在你开始排队的时候有没有怀孕？”

153　Musical Interlude 音乐插曲

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, “Hey! We need to get back!” “No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.” A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. “Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

交响乐团正在演奏贝多芬第九交响乐。在演奏中有一大段，大约20分钟，低音提琴手无事可做。有几个低音提琴手决定，与其傻傻地坐在那里，不如溜下舞台，到隔壁小酒馆快快地喝上几杯。连续灌了几瓶啤酒之后，一位低音提琴手说：“嘿，该回去了！”另一位伙伴却说：“不要着忙。我知道我们或许会需要一些额外的时间，所以我把指挥的乐谱最后几页用弦缝在一起了。他得花好几分钟时间才能把它拆开。”过了一会儿，他们几个蹒跚地回到音乐厅，走到乐团里自己的位置。正在这时，有一位听众注意到指挥似乎有一点急躁，就告诉她的同伴。她的同伴说：“咳，当然喽！你没看见吗？这是第九交响乐的结尾，乐谱被缝在一起了，而低音提琴手们的肚子都装满了。”

154　Half Glass of Water 半杯水

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

对于乐观主义者，这玻璃杯有一半是满的；对于悲观主义者，这玻璃杯有一半是空的。对于工程师，这玻璃杯比实际需要大了一倍。

155　Still Half Glass of Water 还是半杯水

During his speech at my graduation, Bill Cosby was making the point that true wisdom comes not from a classroom but from life. When he was in college, he said, his class endlessly discussed the question: Is the glass half full or half empty? So Cosby asked his grandmother the same question. She had it all figured out: “Depends on whether you’re pouring or drinking.”

（著名黑人喜剧演员）比尔·考斯比在我们毕业典礼上发表演说。他的观点是，真正的智慧不是来自课堂，而是来自生活。他说，在他上大学的时候，他们班上没完没了地讨论一个问题：玻璃杯里是一半满还是一半空。于是他就拿这个问题去问他的奶奶。他的奶奶把这个问题讲得很透彻：“这要看你是添水还是喝水。”

156　Doctor’s Instructions 医嘱

Our veterinarian gave us the following instructions for our cat, Friday, who was scheduled for surgery: “Don’t give Friday any food after 8 p.m. on Wednesday. Bring Friday in first thing Thursday morning. You can pick Friday up Thursday evening. But if you want, Friday can also stay until Friday.”

以下是我们的兽医给我们的要做手术的猫星期五所下的医嘱：“星期三晚上八点以后不要给星期五吃任何东西。星期四一大早把星期五带来。你们可以星期四晚上来接星期五。不过，你们愿意的话，星期五也可以呆到星期五。”

157　Oh, Ohio 哦，俄亥俄

I brag about my home state of Ohio whenever I have a chance. One day, I told a friend, “You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.” “Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio,” he observed.

只要一有机会，我就会吹嘘我的故乡俄亥俄。有一天，我对一个朋友说：“你瞧，第一个用动力飞行的人是俄亥俄人；第一个绕地球轨道飞行的人也是俄亥俄人；第一个登上月球的人还是俄亥俄人。”他的评论是：“看来好多人都想离开俄亥俄。”

158　Can I borrow your daughter? 我能不能借你的女儿？

A woman took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming each time, “Mommy, you look beautiful!” A woman in the next dressing room called out, “Can I borrow your daughter for a moment?”

一个女人带着她五岁的女儿去购物。小姑娘看着她妈妈一件又一件地试穿衣服，每一次都惊叫说：“妈妈，你真好看！”在隔壁试衣室的女人喊起来：“我能不能借你的女儿用一会儿？”

159　What do Chinese mothers use? 中国妈妈用什么？

If American mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

美国妈妈用小勺、小叉喂孩子；中国妈妈用牙签吗？

160　The Meat Department 肉食部

My office is in a building remodeled from a former supermarket. One day I overheard the receptionist giving directions over the phone. “Remember the old grocery store?” she asked the caller. “You’ll find us in the meat department.”

我的办公室是在由过去的超级市场改装的房子里。有一天，我听见前台秘书在电话里讲我们的位置。她说：“记得老的杂货店吗？你能在肉食部找到我们。”

161　To tune my cello 给大提琴调音

One of my friends, a musician, is always upbeat. Nothing gets her down. But when she developed ringing in one ear, I was concerned it might overwhelm even her. When I asked if her condition was especially annoying to a musician, she shook her head. “Not really,” she said cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello a half-tone lower.”

我的一个音乐家朋友总是那么乐观，没有什么事能叫她消沉。但是，当她的一只耳朵得了耳鸣之后，我担心这会连她都受不了。我问她耳鸣是不是使音乐家特别恼火，她摇了摇头，高兴地说：“这个耳鸣声正好是在降B调上，因此我用它把大提琴调低半个音。”

162　What’d you do with the boat? 你到底把船怎么了？

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything—it was the captain’s parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said: “OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

一位魔术师在加勒比海一艘游轮上工作。由于观众每个星期都要换，所以魔术师就反反复复地变他那几套戏法。唯一的问题是，船长的鹦鹉每个星期都看那几套戏法，开始明白魔术师在干什么。它开始在戏法中间喊起来：“看，这不是同一顶帽子。瞧。他把花藏在桌子下面了。嗨，为什么这些扑克牌全是黑桃A？”魔术师很恼火，但也没办法，这毕竟是船长的鹦鹉。有一天，船出事沉没了。魔术师和鹦鹉一起漂在大洋中间的一段木头上。他们俩互相仇视着，一言不发。就这样持续一个星期以后，鹦鹉终于开口说：“我服了。你到底把船怎么了？”

163　It’s three o’clock 那是三点钟

My wife has always been impressed by my ability to identify bird species solely by its song. To help her learn a little bit about birds, I bought a novelty kitchen clock that sounds a different bird call for each hour. We were relaxing in our yard when a cardinal started singing. “What’s that?” I challenged. She listened closely. “It’s three o’clock.”

我太太对于我光听鸟的叫声就能说出是哪一种鸟的本领非常佩服。为了帮助她学习有关鸟的知识，我买了一台小巧玲珑的厨房钟。它每个小时能发出不同的鸟叫声。我们正在院子里休息的时候，一只红雀开始唱歌。我考考我太太：“那是什么鸟？”她仔细听了一会儿说：“那是三点钟。”

164　A Deviled Egg 一个魔鬼蛋

Eight and a half months pregnant, I was in no shape for any conventional costume. Still, I wanted to go to a costume party, so I painted a big yellow circle on an extra-extra-large white T-shirt, dug a pair of red devil horns out of my kids’ Halloween junk pile… and went as a deviled egg.

我怀孕八个半月了，什么常规的戏装都穿不进去了。可我还想去参加化装舞会。于是，我在特大特大号T恤衫上画一个大大的黄色的圈，又从孩子们丢弃的万圣节戏装里找出两个红色的魔鬼角。我作为一个魔鬼蛋出席了。

165　Lubbock, Texas 德州鲁鲍克

Stormy weather diverted our Dallas-bound flight to another airport. As we approached the runway, the pilot came on the intercom: “For those of you who are not familiar with the area, this is Lubbock, Texas.” Then he paused. “And for those of you who are familiar with this area, this is also Lubbock, Texas.”

暴风雨迫使我们飞往达拉斯的飞机转向另一个机场。当我们贴近跑道的时候，飞行员在通话器里说：“对于你们中不熟悉这个地区的人来说，这里是德州鲁鲍克。”然后他停顿了一下说：“对于你们中熟悉这个地区的人来说，这里也是德州鲁鲍克。”

166　Windshield Wiper 雨刷

The windshield wiper blade on the driver’s side quit while driving in a blinding storm. I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged it under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that—you’d be surprised at how many people waved back.

在一场倾盆大雨中开车，驾驶座这一侧的雨刷胶皮突然坏了。我停到一边，看看有没有应急的办法。我看到地上有一个黄的棉纱工作手套。就把它塞到雨刷杆的下面。它还挺好用，不但把挡风玻璃刷干净了，而且出乎意料地使许多人向我招手。

167　How old when you finish? 多大年纪的时候完工？

My plan was to build a garden walkway made up of wooden squares. I decided I’d slice railroad ties into two-inch-thick pieces. That’s what I told the clerk at the lumberyard. “You got a power saw?” he asked. “No,” I said. “Can’t I just use my hand saw?” He nodded slowly. “You could. But I just have one question. How old do you want to be when you finish?”

我的计划是用木头方块铺一条花园走道。我决定要把铁路枕木锯成两寸厚的木块。我就是这样告诉木材场的职工的。他问：“你有电动锯吗？”我说：“没有。我不能用手工锯吗？”他慢慢地点头说：“你能用。不过我有一个问题：你准备多大年纪的时候完工？”

168　Renaissance 文艺复兴

I was in line at the souvenir booth of a Renaissance fair when a man asked the clerk, “Do you sell sunglasses?” The clerk answered in her best fake old English, “Colored bits of glass suspended before the eyes were not invented until after the Renaissance, so those are not goods we purvey.” As he began to turn away, ye old Renaissance clerk added, “But we do carry baseball caps with our logo on them.”

我在文艺复兴展览会的纪念品摊桌前排队。一位男子问售货员：“你们卖太阳眼镜吗？”售货员用她最好的赝品古英语回答说：“挂在眼镜前面的两片彩色玻璃是一直到文艺复兴以后才发明的。所以，它们不是我们供应的商品。”那个男子刚要走开，那位老文艺复兴售货员说：“不过我们出售印有我们商标的棒球帽。”

169　Beautiful Maple Doors 漂亮的枫木门

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home. Showing a friend around our house, I pointed out, “You know, many of these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel.” He raised an eyebrow. “Most people just take towels.”

当我们听说亚特兰大市古老的匹特蒙旅馆要装修，它的漂亮的枫木门要廉价出售的时候，我们真是幸运。我们买了几扇门，装在我们家19世纪的房子里。当我带朋友参观我们家的时候，我特意指明有许多门是从匹特蒙旅馆拆过来的。他挑起一条眉毛说：“大多数人只是拿走毛巾。”

170　Wearing masks 带着面具

Sounds of crashing and banging in the middle of the night sent me and my husband out to our garage. There we spotted three raccoons eating cat dish. We shooed them away and went back to bed. Later that week we were driving home and I noticed three fat raccoons ambling down the road. “Do you think those are the same ones we chased off?” I asked. “Hard to tell,” said my husband. “They were wearing masks.”

半夜里听到撞击和破裂的声音，我和我丈夫起身到车库里去看。看到有三只浣熊在吃鲶鱼。我们把它们轰走以后又继续睡。那个星期晚些时候，我们正开车回家的途中，我看到有三只胖浣熊在马路上溜达。我问：“这是不是我们赶走的那三只？”我丈夫回答说：“不好说。那天它们带着面具呢。”

171　What was wrong? 出什么问题了？

When I moved to California, I was a nervous wreck about earthquakes. My friend Lisa, who was born and raised there, was completely blasé. I remember once when we pulled up to a light, her Honda began to shake. She looked worried until I stammered, “I think that we’re having an earthquake.” “Thank goodness,” Linda said. “I thought something was wrong with my car.”

当我刚搬到加州住的时候，我对地震极为紧张。而我那位在加州土生土长的朋友丽莎却对此完全无动于衷。我记得有一次我们在等红灯的时候，她的本田车开始抖动起来。她看起来很担心。直到我结结巴巴地说：“我想我们是碰到地震了。”她却说：“谢天谢地，我以为是我的车出问题了。”

172　How long? 要多久？

Knitting is a passion for my friend Lisa, who is a caregiver for the elderly. When she brings her clients to doctor’s appointments, she knits while she waits. Recently she showed me a gorgeous scarf she’d made. “How long does something like that take?” I asked. “About one stress test and one colonoscopy,” she estimated.

编织是我朋友丽莎的喜好。她是专职照顾老年人的。当她带老年人去看医生的时候，她就边织边等。最近，她给我看她织的一条非常漂亮的围巾。我问她：“像这样的围巾要织多久？”她估计说：“大约一次心脏强度测试加一次结肠镜检查。”

173　He leaks 他漏了

Even though we were on a shoestring grad-student budget, my wife insisted we pay off the hospital bill when our son was born. Now we had to figure out how to meet our other financial obligations. We were discussing this one night when the baby began crying for a diaper change. As my wife picked him up, she sighed, “He’s the only thing in this house that’s paid for, and he leaks.”

尽管我们是靠研究生那一点菲薄的收入生活，我太太在生完儿子以后还是坚持要付清医院的账单。现在我们必须想办法怎样来偿还其他债务。这天晚上我们正在讨论的时候，孩子哭了，该换尿片了。我太太把孩子抱起来，叹了一口气说：“他是这房子里唯一付了钱的，他还漏了。”

174　Chief Diagnostic Tool 主要诊断工具

While waiting for my car, I saw a Magic Ball on the mechanic’s desk. I turned it upside down and read: “Fan belt.” I shook it again. “Battery,” it said. The mechanic walked in. “That,” he said, “is our chief diagnostic tool.”

在等着修车的时候，我在修理工的桌子上看到一个魔球。我把它倒过来放，出来的字是“风扇皮带”。我又把它摇一摇，出来的字是“电瓶”。这时，修理工进来了。他说：“这是我们主要的诊断工具。”

175　One of the Changes 变化之一

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but I thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

我拨错一个电话号码，听到以下这段录音：“我现在不能接电话，不过我感谢你打电话来关心我。我正在对我的生活做一些改变。听到嘀嘀声以后请留言。如果我不给你回电，那么你就是变化之一。”

176　Flight Simulator 模拟飞行器

Bad weather had backed up all flights, and as a result our plane sat on the runway for three hours. All attempts to placate passengers weren’t working. Then the pilot came on the intercom to announce his umpteenth update: “Folks, we’ll be getting permission to take off, but I have to tell you that we’re 26th in line for departure.” As a collective groan filled the aircraft, I took the mike and added, “Ladies and gentlemen, please close your window shades. We’ll soon be showing a movie, ‘Flight Simulator’.”

坏天气使所有的航班都推迟了，结果我们的飞机在跑道上等了三小时。所有使乘客息怒的努力都不起作用。飞行员用广播宣布他的第无数次情况通报：“伙计们，我们将会得到起飞的许可。但是我不得不告诉大家，我们在起飞线上排名第二十六。”当机舱里充满抱怨声的时候，我接过麦克风补充说：“女士们、先生们，请把窗户挡板关上。我们马上就要放映一部电影：《模拟飞行器》。”

177　I don’t even go that far on vacation 我度假都没走那么远

Our group was third in line behind two other foursomes at the golf course. A young man in the first group walloped his tee shot straight down the middle of the 410 yard fairway to within a few yards of the green. “Wow,” said an older man in the second foursome, “I don’t even go that far on vacation.”

在高尔夫球场，我们组排在另外两个四人小组的后面。第一组里的一个小伙子在打第一杆的时候他的球就直飞410码草坪区的中部，离果岭只有几码远。在第二四人组里的一个老头子说：“哇，我度假都没走那么远。”

178　Too good to be true 好得难以相信

I thought about setting up practice in a small town. I liked the town but suggested my wife visit as well. Barely there a day, she came home and announced, “Let’s move.” Surprised at her snap judgment, I asked, “Did you look at some homes, or even go downtown?” “Nope.” “What makes you so certain?” I asked. “I pulled over to the side of the road outside of town and popped my hood,” she explained. “Within a half-hour a dozen people stopped to help.”

我想在一个小镇开业。我喜欢那个地方，建议我太太也来看看。还不到一天，她就回来对我说：“我们搬家吧。”对于她这样急的判断我感到吃惊，就问她：“你有没有到一些人家或者到街上看看？”“没。”我说，“那什么事让你这么肯定要搬？”她说：“我把车停在城外的路边上，打开前车盖。半个小时之内有十几个人停下来帮忙。”

179　It’s cheaper here 这里比较便宜

While sightseeing in Kentucky, we stopped to take a tour of Mammoth Cave. Looking up at the huge, domed ceiling, I asked the guide, “Has there ever been a cavein?” “Never,” he reassured us. “But if it did, look on the bright side. Where else could you get buried for $2.50?”

在肯塔基州观光的时候，我们参观了马莫斯山洞。我抬头看着巨大的拱形天棚，问导游说：“这里有没有发生过崩塌？”他安慰我们说：“从来没有过。不过如果发生的话，往好里想，还有什么地方把你安葬起来只要两块五毛钱？”

180　Want to borrow my car? 要不要借我的汽车？

Our neighbor loaned me his chain saw to trim some tree branches. While I was using it, the engine burned out. Not wanting to return a broken piece of equipment, I bought a new saw to replace it. When I offered it to our neighbor, he thanked me but said, “Keep it. I’ll borrow it when I need it.” I was turning away when his eyes lit up. “Hey,” he asked, “want to borrow my car?”

我从邻居那里借来链式锯修剪树枝。我在用的过程中，把马达烧了。我不想把一台损坏的设备还回去，就去买了一台新的。当我把它还给邻居的时候，他谢绝了：“你留着吧。我要用的时候找你借。”我转身要走的时候他的眼睛亮了起来，他问：“嘿，要不要借我的汽车？”

181　Falling off the fridge 从冰箱上掉下来

A hearing-impaired person, I was on the phone with my brother, excitedly telling him about the cochlear ear implant I was getting. “I’m going to have a magnet implanted in my head as part of the procedure,” I told him. He asked why, and I read him the technical explanation from a booklet. “Oh,” he said. “I thought it was to keep you from falling off the fridge.”

我是一个听力受损的人。我正在给弟弟打电话，兴奋地告诉他我要做一个耳蜗再造手术。我告诉他，作为整个过程的一部分，要在我的头部装一块磁铁。他问我为什么要这样做。我把一本小册子里的技术说明念给他听。他说：“噢，我以为是要防止你从冰箱上掉下来呢。”

182　Every three months or 3,000 miles 每三个月或者三千英里

When I went to a store to get oil and filters, I bought my wife a bouquet of flowers. Some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. “How often do you do that?” one asked. Before I could answer, the checkout girl said, “Every three months or 3,000 miles—whichever comes first.”

我到商店买机油和滤油器，也给我妻子买了一束鲜花。排在我后面的几个女人大惊小怪地谈论丈夫给妻子买花的事。有一个问我：“你隔多久买一次啊？”我还没来得及回答，收款小姐就抢着说：“每三个月或者三千英里，看哪一个先到。”

183　Please step off the plane 请下飞机

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: “The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And as for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years—would you please step off the plane once we are airborne.”

当我们的飞机在除冰的时候，空中小姐跟乘客做一个小游戏打发时间。她们要我们猜她们三个人总共在航空公司工作了多少年。一位空中小姐听了我们的估计数之后，宣布结果：“正确的答案是26年。有两位乘客答了28年，最接近正确答案。我们有奖品给他们。坐在12排F座的乘客猜了85年。请他在我们升空以后下飞机。”

184　Doesn’t last very long 放不太久

Our neighbor gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. It was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away. Ever gracious and tactful, my wife still felt obliged to send the neighbor a note. It read “Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn’t last very long in our house.”

我们的邻居送给我们一个南瓜馅饼作为节日礼物。咬了一口就知道味道极差。实在没法吃，只能扔掉。我妻子向来很慈祥、得体。她觉得还是要给邻居写一张谢卡。她写道：“非常感谢你们的南瓜馅饼。像这样的东西在我们家是放不太久的。”

185　Bills still keep coming 账单还是不断寄来

I tried to replace the rotted post that the mailbox sat on, but saved the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up. Just then a truck came by and the driver stuck his head out the window. “I tried that,” he said, “but the bills still keep coming.”

我家信箱下面的木头柱子烂了。我要换这根柱子，但要保留挺可爱的旧信箱。我把信箱底下长锈的钉子都拔了出来，还差最后一根拔不出来。我就以狗熊拥抱的姿势，把手臂环绕住信箱，开始向上拔。正在这时候，一辆大卡车开过，司机从窗户里伸出头来说：“这我试过，但是账单还是不断寄来。”

186　Make him a conductor 让他当指挥

My musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!” A whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

我们的乐队指挥对一位打击乐手的表现很不满意。使鼓手改进的多次努力都失败了。最后，指挥当着整个乐队的面生气地说：“当一个音乐家不能玩好自己乐器的时候，他们就把他的乐器拿走，给他两根棍，让他当鼓手。”这时候，从打击乐器那边传来耳语声：“如果他还不能摆弄好它，就拿走一根棍，让他当指挥。”

187　I can turn him off 我可以把他关掉

After earning my degree in broadcast journalism, I was fortunate to land a job as a disc jockey at a top-rated local radio station. One day before work, I stopped by my parents’ house, where my mother was chatting with some friends. She introduced me to everyone and proudly mentioned that I had my own radio show. “How is it having a son who’s a popular radio personality?” asked one friend. “It’s wonderful!” Mom replied with glee. “For the first time in his life, I can turn him off whenever I please.”

获得广播新闻学位以后，我很幸运地在当地一家顶级广播电台里找到一份流行音乐节目主持人的工作。有一天上班之前我到父母家里拐一下。我妈正在和几个朋友聊天。她把我介绍给每一个人，并且骄傲地提到我已经有了自己的广播节目。有一个朋友问：“有一个在电台工作的儿子感觉怎么样？”妈妈高兴地说：“太好了！在他这一生中头一回，只要我愿意，我就可以把他关掉。”

188　A Tip to Stay Awake 保持清醒的诀窍

Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he’d been a long-haul truck driver. “I’d love to drive a big rig,” I said, “but I’d worry about falling asleep at the wheel.” “Here’s a tip to stay awake,” he offered. “Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window.”

像我这样的技术支持人员成天在电话里和顾客交谈。有许多人在等电脑重新启动的时候喜欢聊天。有一名男子告诉我，他曾经是长途卡车司机。我说：“我喜欢开大卡车，但是又担心开车的时候会睡着。”他说：“有一个诀窍可以让你保持清醒。把一张一百美元的大票放在左手里，把手伸到窗外去。”

189　Cut meetings short 缩短会议

Long, unproductive meetings are often the bane of corporate life. I have come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control. There comes a time when I announce, “All those oppose to my plan say, ‘I resign.’” End of meeting.

长而无结果的会议常常是公司的灾星。为了缩短业务会议，免得漫无边际地失控，我想出一种也许是最好的办法。时间到了我就宣布：“所有反对我的计划的人说，‘我辞职’。”会议就结束了。

190　No sequels 再没有续集了

As a chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed, however, when I adopted a kitten. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten “the Book.” One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you taking the Book?” I explained that I was bringing the kitten to the vet. “She’s getting neutered today,” I told him. “Hmm,” the student responded, “No sequels.”

我是大学学生宿舍的牧师。按理讲我应该遵守学校的所有规定，其中包括不准养宠物。然而，当我领养了一只小猫以后就改变了。在我们宿舍住的一年级新生为我保守秘密。他们把小猫叫成“那本书”来掩盖。一天早上我把小猫装进笼子，提着它离开宿舍楼。一个学生拦住我问：“你要把那本书拿到哪里去？”我告诉他，我要带她到兽医那里去，今天要给她做阉割手术。那个学生说：“嗯，再没有续集了。”

191　Psychic 特异功能

When a woman came through my cashier’s line, her purchase came to twenty dollars. “That’s what I had in my hand. You must be psychic,” she joked. “I am,” I teased. “I knew exactly how much you wanted to spend.” The next customer stepped up and, looking at me with a big grin, pulled out a one-dollar bill.

一位妇女到我的收款台来付款。她买的东西是20美元。她开玩笑地说：“这正好是我手里的钱数。你一定有特异功能。”我也逗笑说：“我是有特异功能。我准确地知道你想要花多少钱。”这时候，下一个顾客走上来，咧嘴笑着看着我，抽出一张一美元的票子。

192　Light Bulb Jokes 灯泡笑话

Light bulb jokes are an innocent way to poke fun. Working as a sound technician, I asked an electrician: “How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?” (I expected the classic answer: “Twelve. You got a problem with that?”) But he replied in all seriousness, “None. Teamsters shouldn’t be touching light bulbs.”

灯泡笑话是一种没有恶意的嘲弄。我是音响技师。有一次我问一个电工：“换一个灯泡要几个卡车司机？”我期待他用经典的方式回答：“12个。有疑问吗？”然而他却一脸严肃地说：“一个也没有。卡车司机不应该碰灯泡。”

193　Prayers have been said 已经做了祷告

Our copier was on the fritz so I put a note on it: “Service has been called.” When the technician told me he had to order parts, I added a second note: “Parts have been ordered.” During the next five days, when we had to use an older, slower copier on the other side of the building, someone taped a third note to the machine: “Prayers have been said.”

我们的复印机有毛病了。我在上面放了一张条子：“已经打电话给修理部”。修理技师告诉我，他需要去订购零件，我又放了一张条子：“零件已经订购”。以后的五天里，我们只能使用楼中另一侧那台又老又慢的复印机。这时候有人放上了第三张条子：“已经做了祷告。”

194　Sleeping in your bed 睡在你的床上

During the latter stages of my pregnancy, I brought a cushion to work to make my chair more comfortable. One afternoon I returned from lunch to find my chair had been pushed to the far side of my work area. “Looks like someone’s sitting in my chair,” I commented to one of my co-workers. Glancing down at my stomach, she said, “Looks like someone’s also been sleeping in your bed.”

在我怀孕的后期，上班的时候我带了一个垫子去，使椅子比较舒服一点。一天下午，我吃完午饭回去，发现我的椅子被人推到办公室里好远的一边。我对一个同事说：“好像有人坐我的椅子。她往下看了一眼我的肚子说：“好像也有人正睡在你的床上。”

195　A Double Espresso 双料浓咖啡

The chef of the upscale restaurant collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds. After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on. “Please let it work,” pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter. A waitress replied, “Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso.”

一天，一家高档餐馆的大厨和一个侍者撞到一起，把咖啡撞翻在电脑上。液体流进处理器，引起不寻常的劈劈啪啪的响声。把这场混乱收拾干净以后，大家都围着电脑，等着它重新启动。那个闯祸的侍者祈求说：“求求你，让它能工作。”一个女侍者回答说：“应该比以往更快。这可是一杯双料浓咖啡。”

196　I don’t have this problem either 我也没有这些麻烦

I watched a passenger overloaded with bags trying to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. I informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. “When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I don’t have this problem.” I smiled and replied, “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

我看见一个背着大包小包的乘客正在往头顶上的行李箱里面塞他那些东西。我对他说，那些超尺寸的行李应该交付托运。他很生气地说：“我飞其他航空公司的时候就没有这些麻烦。”我笑了笑，回答说：“你飞其他航空公司的时候，我也没有这些麻烦。”

197　Hard to believe 难以相信

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm. The day her husband picked her up from work, and on the way home they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my sister blurted out, “Isn’t it hard to believe I have a job that pays this much money?” Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice-cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass. Her husband calmly replied, “Yes, it is.”

我妹妹在一家会计公司找了一份好工作。有一天我妹夫接她下班，途中停下来吃冰淇淋。当他们继续往家开的时候，我妹妹脱口而出说道：“真是难以相信我有一份工资这么高的工作。”正在这时，她把吃剩的冰淇淋蛋卷往窗外扔去。但是，窗是关着的，蛋卷啪的一声打在窗上。我妹夫平静地说：“是难以相信”。

198　What is that for? 那是干什么用的？

While on vacation, my wife and I stopped for lunch at a diner. We sat at the counter, right next to the grill. The cook was a young man who was very busy flipping pancakes. Every so often, he would stop and hit the grill with the handle of the spatula. Finally I asked him facetiously, “Does that improve the taste of the pancakes?” “No,” he replied. “That keeps the handle from falling off.”

在度假的时候，我和太太在一家路边小饭店吃中午饭。我们坐在柜台边上，紧挨着烧烤部。那个厨师是个年轻人，正忙着翻薄煎饼。每隔一小会儿，他就停下来，用锅铲柄往烧烤炉上敲一敲。最后，我开玩笑地问他：“你这么做能不能改善薄煎饼的味道？”他回答说：“不能。不过它可以防止锅铲柄掉下来。”

199　I won’t hurt you 我不会伤害你

One day, a man brought in an African Grey Parrot to have its beak and wings trimmed. The owner warned that the bird disliked these procedures and was apt to bite. I donned thick gloves and cautiously opened the cage. The parrot stepped out and, looking up at me, said, “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you.”

有一天，一个男子带着一只非洲灰鹦鹉来修剪它的嘴和翅膀。他警告说，这只鸟不喜欢这个过程，会咬人。我戴上厚厚的手套，小心翼翼地打开鸟笼子的门。这只鹦鹉走出来，抬头看看我说：“别担心。我不会伤害你。”

200　Sheep Stranded on a Hill 围在小山坡上的羊

My family raises sheep and cattle in the Midwest. One day a flash flood filled the ravines and left my sheep stranded on a hill. My relatives arrived with ropes, boats and floats, and struggled through the raging waters to try to coax the animals into the boats, with no luck. By sundown, however, the sheep had eaten the grass around them. They stepped into the water, swam past the speechless men in the boats, climbed up the other side of the ravine and trotted to the nearest field.

我们家在中西部养羊和牛。有一天发大水，水填满了深谷，把我的羊围在一个小山坡上。我的亲戚们带着绳索、小船和漂浮物赶来帮忙。他们和大水搏斗，哄诱动物上船，却不成功。然而，到了日落时分，羊把它们周围的草吃光了，就走进水里，游过船上一言不发的人们，爬上深谷另一面的山坡，小步走向最近的草场。

201　Three down and four across 纵三横四

Touring Ireland’s countryside with a group of travel writers, we passed an immaculate cemetery with hundreds of beautiful headstones set in a field of emeraldgreen grass. Everyone reached for their cameras when the tour guide said the inventor of the crossword puzzle was buried there. He pointed out the location, “Three down and four across.”

和一组旅行作家一起在爱尔兰的农村观光，我们经过一个洁白无瑕的公墓。在一片翠绿的草坪上竖立着几百座漂亮的墓碑。每个人都拿出自己的相机。导游介绍说，纵横填字谜的发明人就埋葬在那里。他指着那个位置说：“纵三横四”。

202　That’s my son 那是我的儿子

It’s every airplane passenger’s nightmare—getting stuck near a crying baby. I was manning the ticket counter at a busy airport when the sound of a crying infant filled the air. As the next passenger stepped up to the desk, he glanced at the tot and rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry,” I said to him cheerily. “Chances are that baby won’t be on your flight.” Head shaking, he grimly replied, “Oh, I bet he will. That’s my son.”

如果乘飞机的时候坐在啼哭的孩子附近，那简直就是一场噩梦。当我在一个繁忙的机场顶班帮助检票的时候，有一阵婴儿的哭闹声传过来。下一个乘客走到柜台跟前，看了一眼娃娃，把眼睛转过去。我安慰他说：“别担心，很有可能这孩子不和你坐同一班飞机。”他摇摇头，无可奈何地说：“他肯定要和我坐同一班飞机。他是我的儿子。”

203　Good News and Bad News 好消息和坏消息

The pastor of my church hates to plead for money. But when the coffers were running low, he had no choice. “There’s good news and there’s bad news,” he told the congregation. “The good news is that we have more than enough money for all the current and future needs of the parish. The bad news is, it’s still in your pockets.”

我们教会的牧师羞于开口要钱。但是，到了捉襟见肘的时候他就非开口不可了。他告诉会众说：“我有一个好消息，也有一个坏消息。好消息是我们的钱超过我们教区目前的和将来的需要。坏消息是这些钱还在你们的口袋里。”

204　Roaming Charges 漫游费

At the grocery store, I couldn’t understand why free-range eggs were more expensive than ordinary eggs. “Well, sir, think of it as being like your cell phone,” explained the checkout clerk. “They get you with roaming charges.”

在杂货店里，我不懂为什么草鸡蛋比普通鸡蛋要贵。收银员解释说：“嗯，先生，你拿它比作你的手机来想。漫游是要加钱的。”

205　A Real Winner 真正的赢家

One resident of our retirement center loved to talk politics. Following the election, I asked him if he’d picked a winner. “Well,” he casually replied, “the man I voted for lost.” “You seem pretty calm about it,” I said. “That’s because the man I bet on won.”

我们退休中心的一名住客喜欢谈论政治。投票的第二天，我问他选的人是不是胜了。他漫不经心地回答：“我投票选的人败了。”我说：“你看来挺心平气和的。”他说：“那是因为我打赌的那个人胜了。”

206　Haircut 发型

Our supervisor made a comment about my shaggy mane. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which makes an elderly man look younger, and a younger man seem more mature. “How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?” I asked, trying to stump him. “Still employed,” he answered.

我的上司对我杂乱无章的头发评论了一番。然后又继续称赞好的发型能使老年人显得年轻，使年轻人显得老成。我想要难住他，就说：“那么，好的发型能使像我这样的中年人怎么样呢？”他回答说：“仍旧有工作。”

207　Not in an envelope 不是装在信封里

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. I had to dispatch repairmen right and left. When I called a customer to get her address, she replied, “I’m at Post Office Box 246.” I said, “Ma’am, we’ll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope.”

倾盆大雨造成全城多处停电。我只好调度修理人员东奔西跑。我打电话问一个顾客的地址。她回答说：“我是在邮政信箱246号。”我说：“夫人，我们是开着卡车去，不是装在信封里去。”

208　What position do you play? 你是踢什么位置的？

After I had injured one of my shins for the umptieth time, my doctor suggested I wear some sort of protection. Remembering the shin guards I wore when I played soccer over 60 years ago, I went to a sporting goods store. I’m a petite, elderly woman, so when a young man came to help me, I said, “Don’t laugh, but I’m looking for a pair of shin guards for soccer.” “Okay,” he said with a completely straight face. “What position do you play?”

在我无数次伤到一根胫骨以后，医生建议我采取一些保护措施。我记得六十多年前踢足球时候戴过的护胫，就到一家体育用品商店去。我是一个瘦小的老太太。所以，当一个年轻小伙子过来招呼我的时候，我对他说：“不要笑话我。我要买一副踢足球用的护胫。”他非常严肃地说：“你是踢什么位置的？”

209　Drive-thru closed 免下车通道关闭

A van was out-of-control and hit the front of my furniture store, left a big hole in the display window. I wasn’t about to close down. On the contrary, after boarding up the front of the building, I spray-painted the following message on the plywood: “Store open. Drive-thru closed.”

一辆小型载重汽车失去控制，撞进我的家具店的门脸，在橱窗上留下一个大洞。我没打算关门停业。相反，我用木板把前面挡了一下之后，又用喷漆在胶合板上写了几个字：“本店照常营业，免下车通道关闭。”

210　Change the address 更改地址

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the counter and demanded, “What do I have to do to change the address on my account?” Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, “Move.”

这是银行里一个典型的繁忙日子。一个满脸愁苦的男子看了一眼站队等候的顾客，就直接走到柜台问道：“我该做什么才能更改我账户上的地址呢？”那位职员敏捷地回答：“搬家。”

211　Wrinkle-free 免烫

Running late for a job interview at a large men’s fashion company, I grabbed a white dress shirt that I didn’t have time to iron. The interview went well until the end. “Just a word of advice,” said my interviewer. “You might want to iron your shirt before your next job interview.” I held up the back of my shirt collar, revealing the tag. On it was the name of that very clothing company and the words “wrinkle-free.” I got the job.

赶着到一家专卖男子时装的大公司去面试，我抓过一件白衬衣，来不及烫就穿上了。面试进行得很顺利。但是，对我进行面试的人最后说：“只是一句忠告：你下一次去应聘的时候，最好把衬衣烫一下。”我把衬衣领子的背面翻起来，露出上面的标签。正是这家时装公司的名字以及“免烫”字样。我被聘用了。

212　I want to get out of here 我想要从这里出去

I was reviewing my client’s case with him in prison when it was announced that visitors had 15 minutes to leave or be locked in for the three-hour prisoner head count. I bade my client farewell and left. But somehow, I managed to get lost on my way out. Desperate for directions to the exit, I noticed some men wearing orange jumpsuits. I called out to one of them, a no-neck, barrel-chested man. “Sir,” I said, “I want to get out of here.” He shrugged. “So do I.”

我正在监狱里和我的委托人一起仔细讨论他的案情，有通知说探访者必须在15分钟之内离开，否则在查点犯人人数的三个小时期间不能出去。我向委托人告了别，就离开了。可是，不知怎么就走迷了路。情急之中，看见几个穿着桔色连衫裤的男子，就喊其中一个膀大腰圆的男子：“先生，我想要从这里出去。”他耸了耸肩膀说：“我也想。”

213　Anger Management Class 愤怒管理课程

Following the recent mad cow disease scare, one local rancher sought to allay fears by posting this sign: “All our cows have completed anger management classes.”

近来，疯牛病搞得人心惶惶。为了缓解大家的恐惧，我们附近的牧场贴出一条标语：“我们全部的牛都已上完愤怒管理课程”。

214　Eat nails for lunch 吃铁钉当午饭

I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with my co-worker. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief. “What’s the matter?” I asked him. “Uh, nothing,” he replied, “I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch.”

我在工作中是出了名的严格的上司。有一天我和一位同事一起在休息室里。我从冰箱里拿出我的用爱斯五金公司纸袋装的午饭。我的同事停止了咀嚼，紧张地盯着我看。当我从纸袋里拿出三明治的时候他松了一口气。我问他：“怎么啦？”他回答说：“啊，没事。我刚开始真以为你是吃铁钉当午饭。”

215　A Sample of DNA DNA试样

Out of the Navy and ready to buy my own home, I filled out the veterans loan forms and mailed them away. But what I didn’t realize was that I had placed the forms in the envelope containing a lock of hair from my son’s first haircut. Two weeks later I received this note: “Enclosed is your loan certificate. Regardless of what you were told, we really don’t need a sample of your DNA.”

我离开了海军，准备买自己的房子，就填了一份老兵贷款申请表寄了去。但是，我没有注意到我用的这个信封里装有一缕我儿子第一次剪下来的头发。两个星期以后，我收到一份通知：“随信附上你的贷款证书。不论别人怎样告诉你，我们实在不需要你的DNA试样。”

216　Who am I? 我是谁？

At a tea for officers and their wives, the commanding general of a base delivered a seemingly endless oration. A young lieutenant grumbled to the woman sitting beside him, “What a pompous and unbearable old windbag that slob is!” The woman turned to him, her face red with rage. “Excuse me, Lieutenant. Do you have any idea who I am?” “No, ma’am,” the man fumbled. “I am the wife of the man you just called an unbearable old windbag.” “Oh,” said the lieutenant. “And do you have any idea who I am?” “No,” said the general’s wife. “Thank God,” said the lieutenant, getting up from his seat and disappearing into the crowd.

在一次军官和家属的茶话会上，基地的司令没完没了地发表着演说。一位年轻的中尉对坐在他旁边的女人嘟囔说：“这个老家伙啰嗦乏味、自以为是，真叫人不能容忍。”那个女人转过来，她的脸因生气而通红：“中尉，你知道我是谁吗？”小伙子说：“夫人，我不知道。”“我是那个你才说的啰嗦乏味、自以为是、叫人不能容忍的老家伙的太太。”中尉说：“哦，那你知道我是谁吗？”将军的夫人说：“不知道。”中尉说：“感谢上帝。”说完就从位置上站起来，消失在人群中。

217　A Pistol 一把手枪

The instructor in the driver-safety class asked the class, “What’s the difference between an aggressive driver and a driver suffering from road rage?” Most of us in the class were stumped. So he called on a soft-spoken man. “A pistol,” came the answer.

在安全驾驶课上，老师问学生：“开快车的司机和路中狂怒的司机之间有什么区别？”大多数学生都被问住了。于是老师叫一名说话轻声细语的男子来回答。而那个男子的答案是：“一把手枪”。

218　Call first 先打个电话

While rummaging through my attic, I found an old shotgun. Unsure about how to dispose of it, I called my parents. “Take it to the police station,” my mother suggested. I was about to hang up when my mother added, “Call first.”

我在整理阁楼的时候找到一把旧猎枪。我不知道该如何处理它，就给我父母亲打电话。我妈建议说：“把它送到警察局去。”我刚要挂电话，我妈接着说：“先打个电话去。”

219　What are you using for bait 你是用什么作诱饵

To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and hold it taut while I reeled it back in. A man strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a double take. “I don’t know what you’re using for bait,” he said to me, “but I’ll take a dozen.”

为了理顺我的渔具，我让我的妻子和小姨子在前院拉着钓鱼线，并且在我往回卷的时候把线绷紧。一个闲逛的男子看见这两个漂亮女子，先愣了一下，然后对我说：“我不知道你是用什么作诱饵。我也要买一打。”

220　They’ll leave the key for you 他们会把钥匙留给你

George, my husband, volunteered to strip the bricks from the exterior of my parents’ house. One morning he was out front chipping away when a man came by looking for my father. “He’s not here,” George said. The man thanked him, watched him remove a few more bricks and said, “I’ll bet next time they’ll leave the key for you.”

我的丈夫乔治自告奋勇地要帮我的父母亲拆除房子外面的砖块。一天上午他正在前面拆砖的时候，有一个男子来看我父亲。乔治说：“他不在家。”那男子谢了他，又看他拆了几块砖，然后说：“我想下一次他们会把钥匙留给你。”

221　Bad Golf and Clean Language 球臭话干净

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time on the golf course. After several horrible shots, their caddy asked, “Are you guys priests?” “Actually, yes,” one cleric replied. “Why?” “Because,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language.”

趁着纽约一个风和日丽的好天气，我弟弟和另外三个神父脱去了他们的神职服装，穿上打高尔夫球的服装，来到高尔夫球场。打了几杆烂球之后，他们的小弟（打高尔夫球的服务生）问他们：“你们都是神父吧？”其中一人回答说：“是啊。你怎么知道的？”小弟回答说：“因为我从来没看见有人球打得这么臭，而话说得这么干净的。”

222　Chalk Outline 粉笔线

“Nah, I better not have one,” said one man after I offered him a glass of wine. “I have the world’s worst stomach. I eat so many antacids that if I were to keel over dead right this minute, I’d leave my own chalk outline.”

我请一位男子喝葡萄酒。他说：“不行，我不能喝。我的胃是世界上最差的。我吃了这么多止酸钙片。如果我现在就地倒下死掉，我自己就能留下一道粉笔线。”

223　A Screen Saver 屏幕保护画

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter said to him, “Bill, you have done some good things and some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go.” So, Bill took a look at hell and saw beautiful women running around on beautiful beach. Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that. So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell. About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons. He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beach?” Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”

比尔·盖茨死的时候到了炼狱。圣彼得对他说：“比尔，你做了一些好事，也做了一些坏事。现在我让你自己决定到哪里去。”于是，比尔看了一下地狱，看到漂亮的女人在漂亮的海滩上奔跑。然后他又看了一下天堂。那里不错，有竖琴、唱歌、崇拜等等那一套。他对圣彼得说他想去地狱。大约一星期以后，圣彼得到地狱去看比尔。他正在受恶魔鞭打。他问圣彼得说：“那些美女和海滩是怎么一回事？”圣彼得说：“那只是一幅屏幕保护画。”

224　Dial Tone 拨号音

I work for the phone company and occasionally attend training courses out of town. On a recent trip, I felt a special effort had been made by the conference center. Among other amenities, I was given two different types of soap: Dial and Tone.

我在电话公司工作，偶尔会到外地参加培训。在最近的一次旅行中，我感觉到会议中心作了一些特别精心的安排。除了酒店的其他设施以外，还给我两块特殊的肥皂。一种是Dial，另一种是Tone，合在一起就是“拨号音”。

225　Between church and state 政教之间

As a Catholic, I’m partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while I was watching Notre Dame vs. Michigan State. “Which team do you want to win?” he asked. “Gee, I don’t know,” I replied. “I’m kind of torn between Church and State.”

作为一个天主教徒，我偏向于诺切得橄榄球队。但是作为一个以往的密歇根州居民，我又密切注意密歇根州立大学橄榄球队。一个星期六下午，我的邻居来访，正好我在看诺切得队对密歇根州立大学队的比赛。他问我：“你希望哪一个队赢啊？”我说：“我不知道哎。我是个在政教之间徘徊的人。”（注：State这个字有“州”的意思，也有“政府”的意思。美国人在讲到“Church and State”的时候常常指“政教分离”。）

226　Holy Angels Gabriel 圣天使加百列

Filling in one weekend for a priest at a neighboring parish, I called the church early Saturday to inquire about my Mass schedule. I confess that I was taken aback when the caretaker picked up the phone. “Holy Angels,” he answered, “Gabriel speaking.”

邻近教区的一位神父有事外出，我要为他当一个周末的替班。我星期六一早就打电话到那个教会去询问弥撒的时间安排。我承认当管理员接电话的时候我着实吃了一惊，因为他说：“我是圣天使加百列。”（注：圣天使是教堂的名字，加百列是管理员的名字。而确实有一位天使名字叫做加百列。）

227　Shhh… 嘘

In an attempt to complete its fiscal year figures on time, our company’s finance department one day posted this sign outside its offices: “Year-end in progress. Please be quiet.” Our network specialists, whose office is right next door, put up this notice in response: “Shhh… quiet please. Information Technology works all year.”

为了按时完成年度财务报表，我们公司的财务部有一天在办公室门外贴出这样的启示：“年终结账正在进行，请肃静。”隔壁办公室是我们的网络专家们。他们贴出以下启示作为响应：“嘘，请肃静。信息技术部全年都在工作。”

228　He’s a club member 他是我们俱乐部的会员

While dining in the club in the Philippines, my wife and I lost our appetites when a rat scurried past us. “Waiter!” I said, pointing to the rodent. “What are you going to do about that?” “It’s all right, sir,” he said unfazed. “I’ve already confirmed he’s a club member.”

我和太太在菲律宾的一个俱乐部里吃饭，看到一只老鼠从身边窜过，顿时没了胃口。我指着老鼠问侍者：“你准备怎么处置？”他毫不在意地说：“先生，这没什么。我已经确认过他是我们俱乐部的会员。”

229　I used to drive a school bus 我以前是开校车的

My wife and I were watching the gorillas at the zoo when several of them charged at the enclosure fence, scattering the crowd, except for one elderly man. Later, my wife asked him how he had kept his composure. “I used to drive a school bus,” he explained.

我和太太在动物园看黑猩猩。有几只黑猩猩突然往笼子的围栏冲过来，游人纷纷逃窜，只剩一个老头儿。后来，我太太问他怎么会这样镇定。他解释说：“我以前是开校车的。”

230　My tail’s wagging 我在摇尾巴呢

On the way home from my job at the pet boarding kennel, I stopped at the grocery store. I was on line at the checkout counter with a full cart when I noticed a man on a longer line buying only two items. Without thinking, I did what I always do when calling to another of God’s creatures—I whistled at him and commanded, “Come!” As the man got in line in front of me, he grumbled, “Lucky for you my tail’s wagging.”

我从宠物狗寄宿站下班回家，途中在杂货店停留。我推着满满一车东西等着交款。这时候我看见一个人只买两样东西却排在更长的队伍里。我不假思索地用我所习惯的招呼上帝的另一种所造物的方式，对他吹口哨并且命令“来！”当那个人排到我这一队，并且插在我前面的时候，嘴里还嘟囔着说：“算你运气，我在摇尾巴呢。”

231　Equal-opportunity Annoyer 机会均等的骚扰者

One Friday everyone in our office was in high spirits, and Marshall, a sales rep, was making the rounds, joking and teasing us all. When he stopped in front of a new employee’s desk, she braced herself. “I hoped I might be spared,” she said. “Oh, you can’t escape Marshall.” I cautioned her. “He’s an equal-opportunity annoyer.”

一个星期五，我们办公室里每个人的心情都很好。销售代理马歇尔正在挨个儿地和大家取笑逗乐。当他走到一个新雇员的桌子跟前的时候，她作好了被冲击的准备。她说：“但愿你能把我跳过去。”我警告她说：“噢，你躲不过马歇尔的。他是一个机会均等的骚扰者。”（注：美国法律要求equal-opportunity employer，“机会均等的雇主”。）

IV.　愚人笑话

232　A Letter to Her Son 写给儿子的信

Dear Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t be able to send you the address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their new house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a boy or a girl. So don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

亲爱的儿子：

我在慢慢地给你写信，因为我知道你看信看不快。我们已经不住在你走的时候那个地方了。你爸爸看报纸上说大多数交通事故都发生在离家20英里的距离内，所以我们就搬家了。我现在不能告诉你我们的地址，因为原来住在这里的那家把门牌号拿到他们的新家去了，这样他们就不需要换地址了。今天早上你姐姐生了一个孩子。我还不知道是男孩还是女孩。所以也不知道你是当了阿姨还是舅舅。这个星期只下了两次雨，第一次下了三天，第二次下了四天。如果你收不到这封信，请你告诉我。我再给你写一封。

爱你的妈妈

233　You haven’t found it yet? 你还没有找到？

A man got lost on the way to the theater in a small town. He stopped at a farmhouse, where a woman gave him excellent directions. A week later he went back to see another play, got lost again and stopped at the same house. When the woman came to the door, she exclaimed, “You haven’t found it yet?”

一个男子在去小镇的剧院时迷了路。他停在一家农舍前，一个妇女清楚地告诉他该怎么走。一个星期以后，他又去看剧，又走迷了路。他又停在同一家农舍前。当同一个妇女走出来开门的时候惊叫起来：“你还没有找到？”

234　I already got that side 那边我已经打开了

When I arrived at an auto shop to pick up my car, I was told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the mechanic, “It’s open!” “I know,” answered the young man, “I already got that side.”

我到修车铺取车。他们告诉我，不小心把车钥匙锁在车里了。我到了服务部，看到一位修理工正满头大汗地开驾驶座那一侧的车门。我从乘客座位那边看过去，本能地试了一下门把手，发现门是开着的。我大声告诉那位修理工：“喂，这门是开着的！”那个年轻人回答说：“我知道，那边我已经打开了。”

235　Do not disturb 请勿打搅

An airline captain was helping a new flight attendant for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the place to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?” “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

一位机长帮助一个新来的空中小姐做她的头一次过夜的旅行。当他们到达以后，机长告诉这位空中小姐到哪里去吃饭、购物和住宿。第二天早上，他注意到这位女服务员没来，就打电话去问是怎么回事。她接电话，哭着说：“我出不去这个房间。”机长说：“你出不来你的房间？为什么？”她抽泣着说：“这里一共只有三个门。一个是厕所，一个是壁橱，还有一个门上挂着‘请勿打搅’的牌子。”

236　Checkout at 11 a.m 离馆时间上午11点

After a few rough years, I decided to let my son try the rigid structure of the military. Once he’d completed basic training, he took a two-day assignment. Midmorning on the second day, I was surprised to receive a call from my son, who was still at his hotel. “Why aren’t you on the road yet?” I asked. “Well, I’m all ready to go, Dad,” he replied, “but the sign on the door says, ‘Checkout at 11 a.m.’”

经过几个不平静的年头，我决定让儿子去接受军队严格的管束。他在完成基本的训练之后，接受了一个两天的任务。第二天上午十点多钟，我接到儿子从旅馆打来的电话，我吃惊地问他为什么还不上路。他回答说：“爸爸，我已经准备好要走了。可是门上的牌子说‘离馆时间上午11点’。”

237　Blind Driver 盲人开车

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is green. She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”

当行人可以安全穿马路的时候，马路拐角处的指示灯就会发出响声。我正和一位同事一起过马路，她问我知道不知道这响声是干什么用的。我说，这是给盲人的绿灯信号。她胆战心惊地问：“盲人究竟为什么要开车？”

238　Smart Raft 聪明的救生筏

Some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

有几个波音飞机公司机场的雇员决定从一架747飞机上偷一个救生筏。他们成功地把它偷了出来。当他们用这个救生筏在河上漂的时候，意外地看到一架海岸卫队的直升机向他们飞来。原来救生筏在充气膨胀的时候启动了紧急定位器，直升机就循迹而来了。这几个人已不再是波音飞机公司机场的雇员。

239　Wrong Deposit Slip 用错了存款条

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote on a deposit slip “This is a stickup. Put all your money in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Citibank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Citibank teller. She read it and told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Citibank deposit slip or go to Bank of America. The man said OK and left. The Citibank teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

一个想到市中心美洲银行打劫的人走进银行，在存款条上写道：“这是持枪抢劫。把你所有的钱都装进这个口袋。”当他排队等着要把这张条子给银行职员看的时候，他担心刚才有人看见他写条子，会在他到达银行职员之前就打电话给警察。于是他离开美洲银行，穿过马路到了花旗银行。排队等了几分钟，他把条子递给花旗银行的职员。银行职员看了一下对他说她不能接受这张打劫的条子，因为它是写在美洲银行的存款条上。她说，他要么重填一张花旗银行的存款条，要么上美洲银行去。这个人说了声“行”就离开了。这位花旗银行女职员给警察打了电话。几分钟之后警察逮捕了这个人。他正在美洲银行排队。

240　I am over 21 我已满21岁

A robber walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

一个强盗拿着枪走进一家小店，要收银员把现金抽屉里的现金全部装进包里。收银员把现金装完之后，强盗看见柜台后面的架子上有一瓶他想要的苏格兰威士忌。他告诉收银员把这瓶酒也装进包里。收银员拒绝了他的要求说：“因为我不相信你已满21岁。”强盗说他已满，但收银员仍然拒绝，因为他不相信他。这时候，强盗从他的钱包里拿出他的驾驶执照，递给收银员。收银员仔细看了一遍，承认他确实已满21岁，并且把那瓶苏格兰威士忌也装进包里。那个强盗带着他的战利品逃走了。收银员马上打电话，把他从驾驶执照上得到的强盗的姓名和地址报告给警察。警察两个小时以后抓到了这个强盗。

241　Nobody move! 不许动！

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

两个密歇根强盗走进一家唱片商店紧张地挥舞着手中的左轮手枪。头一个家伙喊：“谁也不许动！”当他的同伙走动时，这个惊慌失措的歹徒开枪打了他。

242　A Frustrated Man 沮丧的男子

A man walked into a Burger King at 12:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

凌晨12:50，一名男子走进“汉堡王”。他亮出手枪要钱。收银员说如果不买东西他就打不开收银抽屉。那人说要买洋葱圈。收银员说早餐不供应洋葱圈。那个男子沮丧地走了。

243　A Glass Window 玻璃橱窗

A guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The whole event was caught on videotape.

一个男子急着想喝啤酒。他决定朝酒店的玻璃橱窗扔一块煤渣砖，抓几瓶啤酒，然后就跑。于是，他举起一块煤渣砖，从头上扔过去。不料，煤渣砖从玻璃橱窗上弹回来，打在这个想偷的男子的头上，使他失去知觉。整个事件都被摄像机拍录下来了。

244　Bite the hook 自投罗网

R. C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver’s license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

两位巡警正在向底特律附近的孩子们展示警察巡逻车上的电脑设备。21岁的Gaitlan向他们走去，并问这系统是怎么工作的。警察要看他的身份证。他拿出驾驶执照给他们。警察往电脑里输入他的信息。过了一会儿，警察逮捕了他，因为屏幕上信息显示Gaitlan是两年前密苏里州圣路易斯持枪抢劫的通缉犯。

245　A Car Phone 车载电话

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

一名妇女向警察报告汽车被偷，并且提到里面有一部车载电话。接受报警的这位警察就打这个车载电话，对接电话的人说，他看到报纸上的广告，想要买这部车。他们约了见面的地点。这个小偷被抓到了。

246　A Strawberry Mark 红色胎记

A young woman once entered our bank and wanted to cash a check. “Do you have any identification?” I asked. “Yes,” she said. “I have a strawberry mark over my left knee.”

一个青年女子走进我们的银行要求兑现一张支票。我问她：“你有识别身份的证明吗？”她说：“有。在我的左面膝盖上有一个红色胎记。”

247　First class not for New York 一等舱不到纽约去

A blonde with coach ticket for New York gets on board an airliner and drops herself into the first class section. A flight attendant tells her that her ticket is for coach, not first class, and tells her to move to the correct location. The blonde responds with, “I’m blonde, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” Numerous other attendants tell her the same thing, and she keeps replying, “I’m blonde, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” The pilot catches wind of this, and heads down to the first class section. He finds the blonde, and proceeds to whisper something in her ear. The blonde hurriedly grabs her carryon, and immediately heads for the coach section. One attendant asks, “What did you say to her?” The pilot responds: “I told her that first class isn’t going to New York.”

一个金发女郎拿着去纽约的经济舱机票上了飞机，一屁股坐在一等舱的位置上。一位空中小姐告诉她，她的票是经济舱，不是一等舱，并且让她搬到自己的座位去。这个金发女郎回答说：“我是金发女郎，我到纽约去，我不搬走。”好几个空中小姐都让她搬走，但她始终重复说：“我是金发女郎，我到纽约去，我不搬走。”飞行员听说这件事，就往一等舱走过去。他找到那个金发女郎，在她耳边悄悄说了几句话。这个金发女郎急急忙忙抓起自己的随身行李，往经济舱走去。一位空中小姐问飞行员：“你对她说什么了？”飞行员回答说：“我告诉她，一等舱不是到纽约去的。”

248　What is Easter? 复活节是什么？

Three blondes died and are standing at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…” “Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.” St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, and tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?” The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails. He was buried in a tomb which was closed off by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter…”

三个金发女郎死后站在进入天堂的珍珠门前。圣彼得对她们说，如果她们能答出一个简单的问题，就可以进天堂。圣彼得问第一个金发女郎：“复活节是什么？”这个金发女郎说：“这很简单。这是11月的节日。那时，大家聚在一起吃火鸡、感恩……”“错了。”圣彼得说，并且接下去问第二个金发女郎同样的问题：“复活节是什么？”第二个金发女郎回答说：“复活节是12月的节日。那时，我们立起漂亮的树，交换礼物，并且庆祝耶稣诞生。”圣彼得看着第二个金发女郎，厌恶地摇摇头，告诉她错了。接着，从镜片上面望着第三个金发女郎问：“复活节是什么？”第三个金发女郎自信地微笑，并且看着圣彼得的眼睛说：“我知道复活节是什么。”“哦？”圣彼得怀疑地说。“复活节是基督教的节日。它碰巧也是犹太人庆祝逾越节的日子。耶稣和门徒们在一起吃最后的晚餐。随后，耶稣被其中一个门徒出卖给罗马当局。罗马兵丁折磨他，扎伤他的肋旁，让他戴荆棘冠冕，并且把他钉在十字架上。他被埋葬在坟墓里，并且用巨大的墓石封起来。”圣彼得高兴地频频点头。第三个金发女郎继续说：“每一年墓石都被移到一边，让耶稣出来……而且，如果耶稣看见自己的影子，那么冬天还要延长六个星期……”

249　A jigsaw puzzle too hard 拼图游戏太难

Mike gets a call from his blond girlfriend, Lisa. “I’ve got a problem,” says Lisa. “What’s the matter?” asks Mike. “Well, I’ve bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.” “What’s the picture of?” asks Mike. “It’s of a big Rooster,” replies Lisa. “All right,” says Mike, “I’ll come over and have a look.” So he goes over to Lisa’s house and Lisa leads Mike into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. Mike looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Lisa and says, “For Pete’s sake, put the Cornflakes back in the box.”

麦克接到他的金发女友丽莎的电话。丽莎说：“我碰到麻烦了。”麦克问：“什么事？”丽莎说：“我买了一盒拼图游戏，但是太难了。哪块跟哪块也拼不到一起，还找不到边在哪里。”麦克问道：“那是一幅什么画？”“大公鸡。”“好，我过去看看。”麦克到了丽莎的家，丽莎带他到厨房，让他看桌子上的拼图游戏。他看了看桌子上的拼图游戏，转身对丽莎说：“看在上帝的分上，你把这些玉米片放回盒子里去吧。”

250　Whiteout on the Screen 荧光屏上的改正液

Q: How can you tell a blonde’s been using the computer?

A: There’s whiteout all over the screen.

问：你怎么知道金发女郎用了电脑？

答：荧光屏上到处都涂上了改正液。

251　The other blonde inside the car 在车里的另一个金发女郎

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, “I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door.” “Why, sure,” said the manager, “we have something that works especially for that.” A couple of minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. “No, no, a little to the left,” said the other blonde inside the car.

一个金发女郎走进加油站问经理说：“我把汽车钥匙锁在车里了。你有没有衣架，我可以伸进车窗里去把门打开？”经理说：“当然。我们有专门开车门的工具。”过了一会儿，经理出去看看这个金发女郎干得怎么样。他听见另一个声音在说：“不对，不对，再往左一点。”说话的是在车里的另一个金发女郎。

252　Follow a snowplow 跟着扫雪车

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snowplow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snowplow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.”

一个金发女郎在暴风雪里开车迷了路。她想起她爸爸曾经告诉过她：“如果你在暴风雪里开车迷了路，等扫雪车来，跟着它开。”很快，一辆扫雪车来了，她就跟着它走。开了45分钟。最后，扫雪车的司机下车过来问她在干什么。她向她解释了她爸爸告诉过她的话。那个司机点点头说：“哦，我已经扫完了沃尔码商场的停车场。现在你可以跟我去K商场了。”

253　Her mother died too 她妈妈也死了

One day, a blonde’s neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. “I just got off the phone with my sister, her mother died too!”

一天，一个邻居到金发女郎的家里去，看见她在哭，就问她出了什么事。金发女郎说她的妈妈死了。邻居给她煮了一点咖啡，安慰了她几句，就走了。第二天，这个邻居又过来看她，发现她又在哭。就问她这次为什么哭。“我刚和我姐姐通完电话，她妈妈也死了。”

254　If the last engine shuts off 如果最后一个引擎熄火

A blonde is on a four-engine plane. All of a sudden there’s a loud bang. The pilot comes on the radio and says, “I’m sorry, one engine has just shut off. We’ll be delayed 1 hour.” Then there’s another bang. Once again, the radio comes on and the pilot says the same thing except that they’ll be delayed two hours. After that, the third engine shuts off and the pilot tells the passengers that they will be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the last engine shuts off we’ll be delayed 4 hours.”

一个金发女郎乘坐一架四引擎飞机。突然轰隆一声巨响。飞行员用广播告诉大家说：“对不起，有一台引擎熄火了，我们会晚点一小时。”然后又是一声巨响。飞行员又说差不多的话，只不过说要晚点两小时。随后，第三个引擎熄火。飞行员告诉大家要晚点三小时。金发女郎回头对身边的男士说：“老兄，如果最后一个引擎熄火，我们就要晚点四小时了。”

255　Greenside up 绿的一面朝上

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, “Greenside up.” The lady was a little confused, but didn’t say anything, and they continued to the dining room where she told him, “I would like a warm white in here.” The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and again yelled, “Greenside up!” The lady was really confused now but still did not say anything. They continued to her bedroom and she said, “I would like a cool, relaxing blue in here.” The contractor wrote something on his pad and again walked to the window and yelled, “Greenside up.” The woman was now totally perplexed and said to the contractor, “Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell ‘greenside up.’ What is going on?” The contractor replied, “You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.”

有一个女人想要重新油漆她的家。当合同工人到她家里来的时候，他们挨个屋子走一遍。走到客厅的时候，她说她想把客厅漆成温暖的奶油色。合同工人在小本子上写了几个字，然后走到窗口大喊：“绿的一面朝上！”女主人有点糊涂，不过没说什么。他们接着到餐厅，女主人说：“这里我喜欢温暖的白色。”合同工人又在小本子上写了几个字，然后走到窗口大喊：“绿的一面朝上！”女主人真是有点糊涂了，不过还是没说什么。接着他们到卧室，女主人说：“这里我喜欢清爽的、休闲的蓝色。”合同工人在小本子上写了几个字，然后又走到窗口大喊：“绿的一面朝上！”女主人真是完全懵了。她问合同工人说：“我三次告诉你我喜欢的颜色，你在小本子上写几个字，然后走到窗口大喊‘绿的一面朝上’。这到底是怎么一回事？”合同工人回答说：“你瞧，我有四个金发女郎在马路那边铺草皮。”

256　I got the license plate number 我把车的牌照号码记下来了

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car. “Did you see his face?” her friends asked when she came back inside. “No, but it’s okay—I got the license plate number!”

一个金发女郎正在家里和几个朋友一起看电视。她听见有一种噪音，就跑出去，正好看见一个窃贼开着她的车跑了。当她回到屋子里的时候，她的朋友们问她有没有看清那个窃贼的脸。她说：“没有。不过没关系。我把车的牌照号码记下来了。”

257　I’m not the mother 我不是妈妈

At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant’s weight by weighing the mother and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. “It won’t work,” countered the woman. “I’m not the mother. I’m the aunt.”

在一家药店里，一个金发女郎要求用他们的婴儿称来称她抱着的孩子。职员告诉她说那个称已经坏了，不能用。不过，可以用成人称先称妈妈和孩子的总重量，然后再称妈妈一个人的重量。用第一个重量减去第二个重量就是孩子的重量。那个女人反对说：“这个办法行不通。我不是妈妈，我是阿姨。”

258　Horrible Banana 可怕的香蕉

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Moscow. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.” “Why not?” “I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

两个金发女郎头一次坐火车到莫斯科去。有一个小贩沿着火车过道卖香蕉。她们从来没有见过香蕉，就各自买了一个。有一个迫不及待地剥了皮，咬了一口。正好这时候火车过一条隧道。当火车从隧道的另一头出来的时候，她看着她的朋友说：“我要是你的话，我就不吃这个。”“为什么不吃？”“我咬了一口，结果有半分钟什么也看不见。”

259　Can I have my dog back? 能不能把我的狗还给我？

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. “Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?” The shepherd was puzzled but agreed. Out of the blue, she blurted out “352!” He was stunned but kept his word and allowed her to pick out a sheep. She picked out the cutest one. He looked at her and said, “If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?”

有一位金发女郎，因为听腻了关于金发女郎的笑话，决定把头发染成棕色。随后她开车到乡村去，碰见一个牧羊人正赶着羊群过马路。“喂，牧羊人，如果我猜对你有多少只羊，你能送给我一只吗？”牧羊人有点发懵，不过还是同意了。她凭空瞎喊了一个数字“352！”牧羊人大吃一惊，就让她挑一只羊。她挑了一只最漂亮的。牧羊人看着她说：“如果我能猜出你头发的真正颜色，你能不能把我的狗还给我？”

260　This is fun 真有趣

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to “right sizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

在告别因公司裁员而离去的一位亲密的老同事的午餐会上，我们的经理提高嗓门说：“真有趣，我们应该更经常地举行这样的午餐会。”没有人再说一句话。我们互相看着，就像鹿盯着向它开过去的大卡车的前车灯那样不知所措。

261　No more Bart Gorman 再没有巴特·戈尔曼了

Our neighbor Bart Gorman passed away. At the wake, the man’s son, Bart Gorman, Jr., and grandson, Bart Gorman III, were greeting the mourners. My husband introduced himself to both men and said, “Please accept my sympathy. There’ll never be another Bart Gorman.”

我们的邻居巴特·戈尔曼过世了。在守灵的时候，他的儿子小巴特·戈尔曼和孙子巴特·戈尔曼三世向来吊唁的人们致谢。我的丈夫向他们作了自我介绍，并且说：“请接受我的哀悼。这世界上再没有巴特·戈尔曼了。”

262　Only two weeks 才两个星期

A new restaurant opened in our town, so I decided to try it. As the waitress took my order, I asked if the coffee was fresh. “I’m sure it is,” answered the waitress. “We’ve only been open two weeks.”

在我们小镇有一家新的餐馆开张，所以我决定去试试。当女招待请我点菜的时候，我问她咖啡是不是新煮的。她说：“肯定是。我们才开张两个星期。”

263　Expiration Date 失效日期

Before I could start my first job right out of college, I had to present evidence that I was a U.S. citizen, so I brought my birth certificate. The clerk picked up my birth certificate and gave it a good, long look. “Is something wrong?” I finally asked. “Yes,” she said. “I can’t find the expiration date.”

我刚大学毕业找到第一份工作。在正式开始工作以前，我必须提交我是美国公民的证明文件。于是我带去了我的出生证明。那个职员拿起我的出生证明仔仔细细地看了又看。我问：“有什么问题吗？”她说：“是啊，我没找到失效日期。”

264　I still have mine 我的智慧还在

A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The father replied: “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.”

一个小男孩走过去问他爸爸：“爸爸，我的智慧都是从哪里来的？”爸爸说：“哦，儿子，你的智慧肯定是从你妈那里得来的。因为我的还在。”

265　How many adults? 有几个大人？

For our honeymoon my fiancé and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, “Is this for a special occasion?” “Yes,” I replied. “It’s our honeymoon.” “And how many adults will there be?” she asked.

我和男朋友选择一家因豪华套房而闻名的上流旅馆去度蜜月。当我打电话去预定房间的时候，前台服务员问我：“这是不是为了什么特殊的场合？”我回答说：“是的，是我们的蜜月。”她问：“有几个大人？”

266　Open 24/7 7天24小时营业

The first day at my new health club I asked the girl at the front desk, “I like to exercise after work. What are your hours?” “Our club is open 24/7,” she told me excitedly, “Monday through Saturday.”

到新的健身俱乐部去的第一天，我问前台小姐：“我喜欢下班以后来锻炼。你们什么时间开门？”她兴奋地说：“我们俱乐部是7天24小时营业，从星期一到星期六。”

267　I only have a ten 我只有一张十美元的

My mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was I wasn’t sure what to get, because it was an odd size. I called home and my brother answered the phone. “Measure the bed frame for me, please,” I asked him. “I don’t have a tape measure.” “You can use a dollar bill,” I suggested. “Each one is six inches long.” “Can’t,” he replied after digging through his wallet. “I only have a ten.”

我妈妈需要一个新的弹簧床垫放在她的古董床上。我决定买一个送给她。问题是我不知道怎么买，因为它的尺寸很特别。我打电话回家，是我弟弟接电话。我请他量一下床框的尺寸。他说：“我没有皮带尺。”我建议说：“你可以用一张一美元的钞票。每一张都是六英寸。”他把钱包翻了个遍，然后说：“不成。我只有一张十美元的。”（说明：美元钞票都是一样大小的。）

268　Squeeze twice for no 听不见捏两下

During a football game I saw one of the players took a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn’t move. We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man’s hand and urged, “Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no.”

在橄榄球比赛中，我看到一个球员被撞得很厉害。他倒在地上，一动也不动。我们抓起急救设备，冲进运动场。教练抓住这个年轻人的手催促说：“孩子，你能不能听见我说话？能听见捏一下，听不见捏两下。”

269　Not so sunny 阳光不那么充足

During my vacation I picked up the local paper to check out the forecast. It read: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55.

度假期间，我拿当地报纸看天气预报。上面写着：今天白天，阳光充足，76度。今天晚上，阳光不那么充足，55度。（注：美国用华氏温度。）

270　Mayday, mayday 海上求救

I was towing my boat home from a fishing trip when my car broke down. I didn’t have my cell phone with me, but I thought I might be able to raise someone on my marine radio to call for roadside assistance. I climbed into my boat, clicked on the radio and said, “Mayday, mayday.” A Coast Guard officer came on and said, “State your location.” “I-101, twenty five miles south of Santa Cruz.” After a very long pause, the officer asked, “How fast were you going when you reached shore?”

出海钓鱼回来，在拖着船回家的路上，我的车抛锚了。我没带手机。不过我想我可以在航海无线电上呼叫到什么人，让他帮我打电话找路边辅助服务。我爬到船上，打开无线电，呼叫“求救，求救”。海岸卫队的一位军官应答说：“陈述你的位置。”“101州际公路，圣克鲁斯南面25英里。”停顿了很长时间以后，这位军官问：“在你冲上海岸以前，你开多快？”

271　Thank you in advance 提前感谢

The first stop on my vacation was my sister’s house. She’s extremely organized—before she leaves on a trip she always types up address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I did her one better. I boasted, “You’ll be impressed. I’ve already written thank-you notes to everyone I’ll be stay-ing with. They’re all stamped and ready to go.” My sister was silent for a moment. Then she asked, “You mean those little envelopes in your room that I mailed this morning?”

我的假期的第一站是我姐姐家。我姐姐是一个非常有条理的人。在她出门旅行之前，她总是把明信片上的地址标签都打印出来。我想，这一次我比她做得好。我夸耀说：“你一定会佩服我，已经把给我沿途要去拜访的人家的感谢信都写好了，还贴上了邮票。”我姐姐沉默了一会儿，然后问：“你是指我今天早上寄走的、你房间里的那些小信封？”

272　An Odd Noise 奇特的噪音

Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. “Thank God you answered,” I said when my husband picked up. “There’s this alarming sound coming under the van. I thought I was dragging you down the highway.” “And you didn’t stop?”

大雪把我的面包车埋在家门前的私用车道上。我丈夫在轮子周围挖、前后推，最后终于把我推出去了。在路上开车的时候，我听到一种奇特的噪音。我拿起手机给家里打电话。当我听到我丈夫的声音的时候，我说：“感谢上帝，你接电话了。从面包车底下传来可怕的声音，我以为是拖着你在高速公路上跑呢。”“而你没停车？”

273　Room Temperature 室温

To entertain a business partner from California last winter, I took him to a restaurant in Boston. We ordered red wine, which arrived icy cold, seemingly straight from the refrigerator. “Oh, miss,” my guest said to the waitress. “Red wine should be served at room temperature.” “Is that right?” she replied. “Then maybe you should come visit us again in July.”

去年冬天，为了招待我来自加州的生意合伙人，我带他到波士顿的一家餐馆吃饭。我们点了红葡萄酒。拿来的时候冰冰凉，就像刚从冰箱里拿出来的。我的客人对女服务员说：“小姐，红葡萄酒应该是室温饮用。”她回答说：“是吗？那你或许应该七月份再来。”

274　Expensive Crackers 昂贵的饼干

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and fumed, “I know I’m in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is outrageous!” “The crackers are complimentary,” the voice at the other end coolly explained. “I believe you are complaining about your room number.”

我住在纽约一家昂贵的旅馆里，半夜里胃不舒服醒了过来。我打电话给客房服务部，要了几块苏打饼干。当我看到收费小票的时候，我生气极了。我打电话给客房服务部，大发雷霆：“我知道我是住在一家豪华宾馆。但是六块饼干收费十一块五，也实在太离谱了！”电话那头平静的声音解释道：“那些饼干是免费赠送的。我相信你是在抱怨你的房间号码。”

275　I’m not the only one 不光是我一个

Driving down the highway, I had to swerve quickly to avoid hitting a hideous couch and matching love seat that fell off the back of somebody’s truck. My wife looked up. “Apparently,” she said, “I’m not the only one who hates plaid furniture.”

在高速公路上开车，突然看到不知从哪辆卡车上掉下来的很难看的大沙发和配套的双人沙发，我只好猛打方向盘，才避免撞上去。我太太看了一眼说：“看来不光是我不喜欢格子花呢的家具。”

276　If I don’t speak English 如果我不懂英语

Calling for information about my credit card, I got the recorded prompt: “Please enter your account number as it appears on your card or statement.” I did as instructed, and the system said, “Please enter your five-digit ZIP code.” After I put that in, I got a third message: “If you would like your information in English, press one.”

打电话查询我的信用卡的信息，我听到这样的录音提示：“请打入显示在你卡上或者账单上的你的账号。”我按所说的做了。然后，系统说：“请打入五位邮政编码。”打完以后，听到第三个提示：“如果你希望听到英语的信息请按1。”

277　Tomorrow’s Paper 明天的报纸

A flustered customer arrived at the front desk of our local newspaper. “I need the papers from Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and today,” he said. The woman at the desk dutifully went off to collect the week’s news. When she returned with the stack, the customer added, “As long as I’m here, I may as well pick up tomorrow’s paper too.”

一位紧张不安的顾客来到我们当地报社的前台。他说：“我要星期一、星期二、星期三和今天的报纸。”前台小姐很负责地去给他收集这个星期的报纸。当她拿着一叠报纸回来的时候，这位顾客补充说：“既然我来这里了，我把明天的报纸也拿着吧。”

278　More than enough 过犹不及

After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight, I called the airline to go over her needs. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes. My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. “Why, you’re welcome,” she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, “And will your mother be needing a rental car?”

我给我90岁的老母亲订完飞机票以后，又给航空公司打电话，详细交代我母亲需要的东西。一位女代理耐心地听我说需要一个轮椅、一个空中小姐来照顾我母亲，因为她有关节炎，又有视力损害。我又要求特别的饭食，以及在转机时的辅助。那位女代理向我保证，她们会照顾好一切。这使我的担心减轻了一些。我对她谢了又谢。她说：“不必客气。”我正要挂电话，只听她高兴地问：“你母亲要不要租一辆车自己开？”

279　A Wig 假发

There was a time when I wore a wig to work. It was convenient and, I thought, matched my real hair perfectly. One day I was on the elevator when a woman got on. Staring at my head, she said, “If you don’t mind my asking, is that a wig?” “Why, yes,” I said. “Wow,” she replied. “You’d never know it.”

曾经有一度我戴假发上班。这很方便，而且依我看和我头发的颜色很相配。有一天我在电梯上，有一个女人上来。她盯着我的头看，又说：“如果你不在意我问的话，你戴的是假发吗？”我说：“是呀，怎么啦？”她说：“这可真看不出来。”

280　University of California 加利福尼亚大学

One day my husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?” “University of California,” he yelled back.

有一天我丈夫决定要洗他的球衣。他走进洗衣间不一会儿，就大声问我：“洗衣机我用哪一档？”我回答说：“这要看情况。你衣服上怎么写？”他大声喊道：“加利福尼亚大学。”

281　Where grandchildren from 孙子、孙女从何而来

This holiday announcement was posted on the company bulletin board: “All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren.”

公司的告示牌上贴着以下通知：“欢迎全体员工参加一年一度的圣诞晚会。十岁以下的孩子都会收到圣诞老人送的礼物。没有子女的员工可以带孙子、孙女。”

282　Didn’t do job right 工作没做好

For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president. A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the salary hike. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the telephone.

我在一家繁忙的公司当了很多年前台接待兼电话接线员。我的上司告诉我，我的年度考绩很好。只要副总裁批准，就给我加工资。一个月以后，我的上司把我叫到他的办公室，告诉我说，副总裁不同意给我加工资。因为他每一次看见我不是在前台和人聊天，就是在打电话。

283　Security Card 保安磁卡

My manager said, “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”

我的上司说：“从明天起员工们只能用各人自己的保安磁卡才能进出办公楼。下个星期三给大家照相，两个星期以后大家可以拿到保安磁卡。”

284　Unknown Problems 未知的问题

My manager said, “What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.”

我的上司说：“我所需要的是一份我们会碰到的特殊未知问题的清单。”

285　Only for company business 只能用于公司业务

My manager said, “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”

我的上司说：“电子邮件只能用于公司业务，不应该用来传送信息和数据。”

286　Important Project 重要项目

My manager said, “This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”

我的上司说：“这个项目如此重要，我们不能让更重要的事情来干扰它。”

287　Communication Problem 沟通有问题

My manager said, “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.”

我的上司说：“我们知道沟通有问题。但是公司不打算和员工们讨论这个问题。”

288　I sold one lasagna 我卖了一份意大利宽面条

In my restaurant we use various codes on black board for special meanings. For example, the number “86” indicates a food has been sold out. One waitress must have slept through this part of the training. Seeing “86 lasagna,” she crossed out the number and wrote “85” in its place. “What are you doing?” I asked. “I just sold one lasagna,” she cheerfully replied. “Now there are only 85 left.”

在我的餐馆里我们在黑板上写一些不同的代号来表示特别的意思。比如“86”就表示某一种菜卖完了。有一个女服务员，她在培训的时候一定是睡着了，没听到这一段。她看到“86意大利宽面条”，把86划掉，改成85。我问她：“你在干什么？”她高兴地回答说：“我卖了一份意大利宽面条。现在只剩85份了。”

289　I’m ready 我准备好了

I work as a receptionist at an upscale salon. After greeting clients, I would ask them to change into a protective gown. One afternoon a serious-looking businessman entered the salon, and was directed to the changing room and told the gowns were hanging on the hooks inside. Minutes later he emerged. “I’m ready,” he called out. I gasped. Instead of a gown, the man was wearing something another client had left hanging in the room—a floral blouse with shoulder pads.

我在一家高档的沙龙当接待员。当顾客来的时候，我向他们问好，然后带他们去换护身长袍。一天下午，来了一位一脸严肃的生意人。我带他到更衣室，告诉他长袍都挂在里面的挂钩上。几分钟以后，他出来了，说：“我准备好了。”我一看差一点昏倒。他不是穿着护身长袍，而是穿着另一位顾客脱下来挂在里面的衣服——一件带垫肩的花罩衣。

290　How badly did he play? 那个鼓手打得有多糟？

I hired a drummer to entertain my customers in my nightclub. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him. Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. “What happened to the drummer you had?” he asked me. “I had him arrested,” I replied. We said good-bye and hung up. A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, “How badly did he play?”

我雇了一个鼓手到我的夜总会来给顾客演出。演了几场以后，我发现这个鼓手偷了我一些值钱的东西溜走了。我报告了警察，把他抓了起来。我急于寻找另一个鼓手来演出，就打电话给一个认识音乐家的朋友。他问我：“上一个鼓手怎么啦？”我回答说：“我让他们把他抓起来了。”我们互相道了别，挂上了电话。过了几分钟，这个朋友又打电话过来问：“那个鼓手演奏得有多糟？”

291　The trick worked 我的办法生效了

My fellow teacher called for help—she needed someone who knew about animals. As a science teacher, I filled the bill. “Oh,” she added, “bring a net.” Expecting to find some kind of beast as I entered her classroom, I was greeted instead by the sight of excited kids watching a hummingbird fly around. Rather than use the net, I suggested they hang red paper by an open door. The bird would be drawn to it, I explained, and eventually fly out. Later, the teacher called back. The trick worked. “Now,” she said, “we have two hummingbirds flying around the room.”

我的老师同事打电话寻求帮助，她需要一个懂动物的人。因为我是自然老师，她就来找我。她又补充说：“带一个网来。”我走进她的教室的时候，估计会看到什么野兽。可是我看见的是一群孩子正兴高采烈地看着一只蜂鸟飞来飞去。我没有用网，而是建议他们在打开的门边上挂一张红纸。我解释说，红纸会把鸟吸引过去，最后飞出去。后来，这位老师打电话过来，我的办法生效了。她说：“现在我们有两只蜂鸟在教室里飞来飞去了。”

292　Second time split-up for good 第二次永远分手

A young co-worker came in one day devastated because he and his girlfriend had broken up. “Is this the fourth or fifth time you two have split up?” I asked. “Yeah,” said the young man. “But only the second time for good.”

一天，一位年轻的同事垂头丧气地来上班，因为他和他的女朋友分手了。我问他：“你们俩闹分手，这是第四次还是第五次了？”他说：“是。不过永远分手这只是第二次。”

293　Staying up until 2 a.m. 等到半夜两点

Twice a year, we change the clocks for daylight-savings time. And twice a year, my normally punctual assistant arrives late to work the Monday after we do so. I finally had to find out why. “Do you have a problem remembering to spring forward or fall back?” I asked. “Oh, no,” she said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “What gets to me is staying up until 2 a.m. to change my clock.”

为了使用日光节约时间，我们每年要拨两次钟。而每次拨钟以后的星期一，我那位平时非常守时的助理都会迟到。我最后忍不住问她这是为什么。我说：“你是不是记不住春天要往前、秋天要往后拨钟？”她一边倒咖啡一边说：“啊，不是的。等到半夜两点才拨钟实在叫人受不了。”

294　The person is on vacation 那个人正在度假

There I was, my first day on the job as a receptionist, handling one phone call after another, when an employee stopped by my desk. “Have you ever done this before?” she asked. “No,” I said. “Thought not. You just told that caller, ‘The person you want is on vacation. Would you care to hold?’”

这是我第一天上班当接待员，一个又一个地接电话。这时候一个员工走过我的桌子。她问：“你以前干过这个吗？”我说：“没有。”“我想你也是没干过。你刚才对电话里的人说‘你要找的人正在度假。你在不在意继续等？’”

295　The Other Half 那半个人

A couple of signs posted at my restaurant read “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service” and “Only Complete Parties Will Be Seated.” I was training an overly eager new hostess, when a couple and their toddler son walked in. “Can we get a table for two and a half?” joked the husband. “I’m sorry,” said my hostess, pointing to the signs, “but we’ll seat you as soon as the other half shows up.”

在我的餐馆门口贴着两张告示。一张是：“不穿鞋和衬衣者不予接待”，另一张是：“人到齐以后方予安排座位”。我正在训练一个过分热情的女招待的时候来了一对夫妻和他们刚会走的儿子。那个丈夫开玩笑说：“我们是不是可以要一张两个半人的桌子？”那位女招待指着那两张告示说：“对不起，等你们那半个人来了以后马上给你们安排座位。”

296　Scheduled Lunar Eclipse 安排好的月蚀

A listener called the disc jockey on the air at our radio station to ask about the upcoming lunar eclipse. “The eclipse can be seen at 1:30 in the morning,” the DJ told her. “That late?” the listener snapped. “I don’t know why they don’t schedule these things earlier, so kids can enjoy them too!”

一位听众现场打电话给我们广播电台的节目主持人，问即将来临的月蚀。节目主持人告诉她：“月蚀可以在凌晨一点半的时候看到。”那位听众厉声说：“那么晚？我真不明白他们为什么不把这些事情安排得早一点，好让孩子们也能一起欣赏？”

297　Just the money 只要钱

My sister was behind the bakery’s cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins in the back of the register. “Do you want the rolls too?” she asked. “No,” said the robber, waving his gun. “Just the money.”

一天早上，我妹妹正在面包店收款，一个拿枪的人冲进来，要所有的现金。我妹妹紧张地把钱递给他的时候，看到在收款台后面有几卷硬币。她问：“硬币也要吗？”强盗挥舞着枪说：“不要。只要钱。”

298　Closer to the sunset 离日落近一点

Tourists ask a lot of questions as we travel among the Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat. Some people wanted to know, “Does the water go all the way around the island?” Another asked, “How much further until we’re in the ocean?” But the one that made me want to jump overboard was, “Can you please take the boat closer to the sunset?”

乘坐我的包租船在夏威夷各岛之间旅行的旅游者会问各种各样的问题。有的人想知道“水是不是绕着岛流动啊？”另一个人问：“再开多远才到大洋啊？”但是让我想要跳海的问题是：“你能不能把船开得离日落近一点啊？”

299　Plugged into the New Jersey side 插头插在新泽西那边

During the recent blackout in New York City, my phone at the ferry company kept ringing. One caller asked if the ferry was running. “Yes,” I answered. “How? There’s been a power failure in New York!” said the caller. “Don’t worry,” said I. “Our ferry’s plugged into the New Jersey side!”

在最近的纽约大停电中，我在渡轮公司的电话响个不停。一个人问渡轮开不开。我说照开。他说：“怎么会？纽约停电了。”我说：“别担心，我们的渡轮把插头插在新泽西那边。”

300　Which is faster? 哪一种快？

I needed a passport and I needed it quickly. Luckily, a sign in the passport office told me exactly how long I could expect to wait: “Allow 3 days for regular processing and 5 days for expedited processing.”

我需要一本护照，而且要快。幸亏护照办公室的一张告示告诉我需要等候的确切时间：“常规处理三天，加快处理五天。”

301　Wanted to look good 希望好看一些

Rather than hire actors to portray homeless men, the director wanted the real deal, with all the sloppiness and despair that comes from being on the streets. The location scout found some down-and-out men who fit the description. They agreed to show up the following week. But when it was time to shoot the scene, our destitute men arrived on the set-freshly shaven and dressed in new clothes. “What happened to my homeless people?!” yelled the director. “We cleaned ourselves up,” one replied. “We wanted to look good for the movie.”

导演不想雇演员来扮演流浪汉，而要找马路上邋遢、绝望的真正的流浪汉。外景地猎星侦探找到几个穷困潦倒的人符合剧本的要求。他们答应第二周来演。但是到了要拍戏的时候，我们这几位穷朋友穿着新衣服来了，脸还刮得干干净净的。导演大喊起来：“我们这些流浪汉出什么事了？”有一个回答说：“我们把自己洗干净了。我们希望在电影里好看一些。”

302　We’ll send them a letter 我们会给他们发一封信

A homeowner has a large dog in the fenced-in front yard, where the mailbox is located. When a mailman tried to deliver mail, the dog lunged at him, and he barely made it through the gate. “I’ve decided that I won’t make any more deliveries to that house until they put the mailbox outside the fence,” he declared. “How will you notify them about that?” I asked. “Oh,” he answered. “That’s easy. We’ll just send them a letter.”

一位房主人在他有围墙的前院养了一条狗。信箱座落在前院里。当邮差要送信的时候，那条狗突然向他扑过去，他勉强才逃出院子。他宣称：“我已经决定，在他们把信箱移到院子外面来以前，我决不再给那一家送信了。”我问他：“那你怎么通知他们呢？”他回答说：“那简单，我们会给他们发一封信。”

303　Gift Wrapping 包礼物

On the afternoon of Secretary Day, my co-worker and I finally found the time to get gifts for our secretaries. While at the store, my colleague noticed my disappointment. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “They won’t provide gift wrapping,” I answered. “No problem,” he said quickly. “I’ll ask my secretary to do it.”

秘书节的下午，我和我的同事终于挤出时间去给我们的秘书买礼物。在商店里，我的同事看出来我的失望。他问我：“出什么问题了？”我说：“他们不提供包礼物的服务。”他很快地说：“没问题，我可以叫我的秘书包。”

304　Put the top down 把蓬顶放下来

My sister worked at the ticket booth for a wildlife drive-through park. One day a woman drove up to the booth in a convertible. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” my sister said, “but the bears will destroy the top of your car if you drive it through the park. Would you like to use one of the junk cars we keep here for these situations?” “A junk car?” the woman said reluctantly. “How about if I just put the top down?”

我妹妹在一个免下车野生动物园卖票。有一天，一个女子开着蓬顶可以打开的汽车来买票。我妹妹说：“对不起，夫人。如果你开着这样的车穿过公园，熊会把你的车篷毁掉的。你愿不愿意用我们这里为这种情况准备的破旧汽车？”那个女子犹豫地说：“破旧汽车？我把我的汽车篷顶放下来不行吗？”

305　Call in absent 电话请假

One of the workers on my construction crew didn’t show up for work on Monday, and he didn’t phone to explain his absence. On Tuesday morning, though, he did call. “I won’t be able to make it to work today,” he said, “or yesterday.”

我的建筑工程队有一个工人星期一没来上班。他也没来电话请假。不过，星期二早上他来电话了。他说：“我今天或者昨天将不能来上班了。”

306　Tomorrow! 明天！

I was elated when my son called me from Japan with the wonderful news of my grandson’s birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers. “I’m a grandmother!” I declared. “It’s a baby boy, and he weighs seven pounds.” “When was he born?” someone asked. Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar and said in amazement, “Tomorrow!”

当我儿子从日本打电话来告诉我关于我的孙子出生的喜讯的时候，我非常兴奋。我把所有的数据都记下来，告诉我的同事们。我宣布说：“我当奶奶了！是个男孩，七磅重。”有人问：“他是什么时候生的？”看了一下我儿子给我的日期，我顿住了，看了看日历，用讶异的语气说：“明天！”

307　A Dying Lightning Bug 快死的萤火虫

Our sergeant major was dimmer than a dying lightning bug. One day, I found a set of dog tags with his name on them in the shower. So, of course, I returned them. “Wow!” he said. “How’d you know they were mine?”

我们的军士长比快死的萤火虫还要昏暗。有一天，我在浴室里捡到一副身份识别牌子，上面有他的名字。理所当然我拿去还他。他竟然说：“噢，你怎么知道是我的？”

308　How much we saved? 我们省了多少钱？

The memo about the company’s revised travel policy read as follows: “We were no longer allowed to buy cheap tickets via the Internet. Instead, we were required to use the more expensive company travel department. Furthermore, to show how much money we were saving, we were asked to compare—shop for fares—on the Internet.”

公司重新修改了关于出差的规定，并发出如下备忘录：“不再允许大家在互联网上买廉价机票。而要求大家使用比较贵的公司旅行部门购票。更进一步，为了说明我们省了多少钱，要求大家在互联网上比价。”

309　Q&A 问题解答

“How many are there working at your office?”

“About one third.”

“How long have you been working at that office?”

“Ever since they threatened to fire me.”

“你们办公室有几个人工作？”

“大概三分之一。”

“你在那个办公室干了多久了？”

“就从他们威胁要解雇我以后。”

310　I don’t see any cops 我没看到警察

Two Kentuckians were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet 5 inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn’t know what to do. Finally one of them looked both directions and said, “I don’t see any cops, let’s go for it!”

两个肯塔基人开着一辆大集装箱车。前面是一个立交桥，标志写着10英尺5英寸。他们俩下车量他们的卡车有多高。不幸的是，他们的车高超过12英尺。他们不知道该怎么办。最后，他们中的一个看了看两边说：“我没看到警察，让我们赶紧开过去。”

311　Which Shakespeare? 哪一个莎士比亚？

The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when I saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, I asked how I could help. “I have to read a play by Shakespeare,” he said. “Which one?” I asked. He answered, “William.”

大学橄榄球运动员了解更衣室比图书馆强得多。当我看见这个橄榄球明星在书堆里傻傻地走来走去，就问他要不要帮忙。他说：“我必须得看莎士比亚的一个剧本。”我问：“哪一个？”他说：“威廉。”（注：我问哪一个剧本，他答的是莎士比亚的名字。）

312　My First Sermon 第一次讲道

Having grown up in New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse: “I never saw a cow until I met my wife.”

我生长在纽约，对农村的事几乎一无所知。我在神学院学习的时候，被临时指派到一个教会去讲道。我很努力地去适应。我太太坐在第一排座位上，我开始讲话：“在我见到我太太以前，我从来没有见过牛。”

313　But I was really sick this time 可是我这一次是真的病了

My co-worker was being let go due to a nasty habit she had of not always showing up for work. As an officer in our union, I was preparing to argue on her behalf when she took matters into her own hands and insisted, “But I was really sick this time.”

我的一个同事因为有经常不来上班的坏毛病而遭解雇。作为我们工会的负责人，我正准备为她的利益争辩，她却把事情全都揽了过去。她坚持说：“可是我这一次是真的病了。”

314　My Father’s Method of Accounting 爸爸的计数方法

My father’s method of accounting for the hundreds of cattle on his ranch was very unique. Every spring, he would move the herd down a long ramp, through a wooden gate and into a holding pen for inspection. As each animal entered the pen, he marked the count on the gate. One summer, he went to the bank to apply for a loan, using his cattle for collateral. The bank officer asked to see his records. “No problem,” replied Dad. He went back to the ranch, took the gate off its hinges and brought it to the bank. He got the loan.

我爸用与众不同的方法来数他牧场里的几百头牛。每年春天，他把他的牛群赶下一个很长的人工坡道，通过一个木制的栅栏，进入一个牛圈做检查。每一头牛进入牛圈，他就在栅栏上划一道。一年夏天，他到银行去申请贷款，用他的牛群作抵押品。银行职员要看他的记录。他说：“没问题。”他走回牧场，把栅栏门从铰链上拆下来带到银行。他得到了贷款。

315　Kuwait has run out of sand 科威特沙子用完了

Using sand from quarries in Kuwait, Navy Seabees were building concrete aircraft parking ramps before the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom. When the quarries were closed temporarily, our stockpiles were exhausted in three days. The fourth day the following report was issued: “Kuwait has run out of sand.”

在开始伊拉克自由行动以前，海军工程营使用科威特采石场的沙子建造混凝土飞机停机弯道。当采石场临时关闭的时候，我们的储备在三天之内就用完了。第四天发出了如下的报告：“科威特沙子用完了。”

316　Any trouble telling them apart 有没有困难区分他们俩

Recently a young woman came into my insurance office with her newborn twins. I asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave me a funny look before responding, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin and this is Elizabeth.”

最近，一个青年女子带着她新生的双胞胎到我的保险公司来。我问她有没有困难区分他们俩。她用一种奇特的眼光看了我一眼，然后说：“不，我从来没有困难。这是本杰明（男孩名），这是伊丽莎白（女孩名）。”

317　Do you have this in a Nike? 你们有没有耐克牌子的这种鞋？

I was waiting on some customers at the shoe store when I was interrupted by a very determined woman. Pointing to a sneaker made by Reebok, she asked, “Do you have this in a Nike?”

我正在给一些顾客服务的时候，一个非常有主见的女人打断了我。她指着一双锐步牌子的胶底运动鞋问：“你们有没有耐克牌子的这种鞋？”

V.　官僚笑话

318　Be prepared 先准备好

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was George W. Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward. The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari. The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you’re not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”

一天，三个男孩正在过桥，听见有人高喊救命。这个人是乔治·W·布什。他快淹死了，这三个男孩救了他。他由衷地感谢他们，而且答应不论他们要什么作为报偿都行。第一个男孩要一万美元，布什就给了他钱。第二个男孩要一辆法拉利轿车，布什就给了他轿车。第三个男孩要一部轮椅。布什问他：“孩子，你不是残疾人，为什么要这东西呢？”男孩回答说：“当我爸知道我救的是谁以后，我会变成残疾人的。”

319　Intelligent Life 有智慧的生命

It was a celebratory mood at NASA—they had just made the most important achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA asked everyone to be quiet as he was receiving a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. “Mr. President,” he said with a broad smile on his face, “After twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars.” He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, “But that’s impossible… we could never do it… yes, Mr. President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. “I have some bad news,” he said, “the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars…he wants us to try to find it in the Congress.”

在美国航空航天署到处都充满了喜庆的气氛。他们刚刚取得了一生中最重要的成就。正当他们要打开香槟酒的时候，美国航空航天署的首席科学家让大家安静，因为他正要接美国总统打来的贺电。他拿起一个专门的红色电话，满脸笑容地说：“总统先生，经过12年的刻苦研究，花费了几十亿美金，我们终于在火星上找到了有智慧的生命。”他听了一会儿，笑容渐渐消失了，皱起了眉头。他说：“不过，这不可能……我们永远都做不到……是，总统先生。”说完挂上了电话。他对一大帮好奇地盯着他看的科学家们说：“我告诉大家一个坏消息。总统说，因为我们已经在火星上找到了有智慧的生命，他希望我们在国会里也能找到。”

320　Finders keepers 谁捡的归谁

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts, are celebrating their fiftieth anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved, “I love you, Lisa.” On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out. Lisa quickly picks it up and takes it home. There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.” She says, “Finders keepers.” And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She says, “No.” The husband says, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says, “Well, when Lisa and I were walking home from school yesterday…” The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, “Let’s get out of here.”

一对从孩童时代就相爱的老夫妻正在庆祝他们的金婚纪念。他们沿街走到他们过去的学校，找到了过去他们同桌时坐的桌子，上面刻着“丽莎，我爱你”。在回家的路上，一辆运钞车从他们身边开过，掉下一袋钱。丽莎很快把它捡起来，拿回家里。她数了一下，有五万美金。丈夫说：“我们必须把它还回去。”太太说：“谁捡的归谁。”就把钱放回口袋，藏在阁楼上。第二天，两个联邦调查局的人在这一带挨家挨户地找钱，来到这一家。他们说：“对不起，你们昨天有没有看见从一辆运钞车上掉下来的钱？”丽莎说：“没有。”丈夫说：“她在撒谎。她把钱藏在阁楼上了。”太太说：“别相信他。他是老糊涂了。”不过，这两个特工叫这个老头儿坐下来，开始盘问他。一个说：“把这个故事从头给我们说一遍。”老头儿说：“嗯，昨天我和丽莎从学校走回家……”这个联邦调查局特工对他的同伴说：“我们赶紧走吧。”

321　A Tax Collector 一名税务官

Little Johnny was playing with his father’s wallet when he accidentally swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery. They consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed. The father said, “You must be an expert!” The man replied, “No sir. I’m just a tax collector.”

小强尼正在玩他爸爸的钱包。不小心把一枚硬币吞了下去。他哭着去找他的妈妈。他们带他去看医生。医生说不开刀不可能把硬币拿出来。他们又去咨询专科医生。专科医生也是这么说。这时候来了一个人。他说他一下就可以把钱拿出来。他把小强尼转成头朝下，并且非常精确地拍打他脖子的后面。毫无疑问，那硬币滚出来了。每一个人都惊呆了。孩子的爸爸说：“你一定是一位专家。”那人回答说：“不是。我只是一名税务官。”

322　Give me my money 把我的钱还给我

A robber stuck a pistol in a gentleman’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman shocked by the sudden attack said, “You cannot do this, I am a congressman.” The robber said, “In that case, give me my money.”

一个强盗用枪顶住一位绅士的肋骨说：“把你的钱给我。”那个绅士被这突如其来的攻击吓倒了。他说：“你不能这样对我。我是国会议员。”强盗说：“那么说，你该把我的钱还给我。”

323　A Complaint of a Government Officer 政府官员的抱怨

For the first few months of her position in the State Government, my wife had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker. “I know,” he complained. “Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there’s only so much you can pretend you’re doing.”

我太太在州政府上班头几个月，没什么事情可做，于是她天天不是浏览互联网，就是玩纵横填字谜。有一天，她向一位同事表露她的厌倦。她的同事抱怨说：“是啊，大家都以为州政府的工作好做。但是，你可以假装在做的事情也只有这么一点点。”

324　Official U.S. Government Property 美国政府官方的财产

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card. “What will you do with it?” I asked. “We burn it” was the answer. “Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?” I asked. “Certainly not,” said the clerk. “This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it’s destroyed.”

我移民到美国来的时候，发给我一张外国人身份证，上面贴着我15岁时的逗人喜爱的照片。过了几年，当我到法庭加入美国籍的时候，一名职员收去了我的身份证。我问他：“你们要怎样处理它？”他回答说：“把它烧掉。”我问：“你能不能把照片剪下来，让我保存？”他回答说：“肯定不行。这张身份证是美国政府官方的财产。因此，在它被毁掉以前，不能被肢解。”

325　Destruction of Government Property 破坏政府财产

I had the good fortune to be stationed in Hawaii—but the bad fortune to have fair skin. One day, after spending many hours under the hot sun, I reported back to duty with a terrible sunburn. Expecting sympathy, I was, instead, reprimanded by my superiors and then written up for “destruction of government property.”

我的好运气是驻守在夏威夷，但是坏运气是有白皙的皮肤。有一天，我在火热的太阳下工作了好几个小时，回来的时候皮肤被严重晒伤了。我期望得到同情，却反而被我的上司申斥，并且以“破坏政府财产”的罪名记录在案。

326　A Classified Joke 保密的笑话

As a fluid-dynamics engineer, I was invited to give a lecture at a classified meeting attended by military officials. To break the ice, I began my talk with a joke. Several days later, at a restaurant, I ran into a naval officer who had heard my speech. “Would you mind repeating that joke here?” he asked. “That way it won’t be considered confidential anymore, and I can tell it to others.”

作为一个流体动力学工程师，我应邀到一个由军事要员参加的机密会议上讲课。为了活跃气氛，我先讲了一个笑话。过了几天，我在餐馆里碰到一个听了我的课的海军军官。他问我：“你能不能在这里再把那个笑话讲一遍？这样，这个笑话就不是保密的，我就可以去说给别人听了。”

327　Initial Erased Initial 草签划掉的草签

The military has more rules than bullets. I received a simple memo. “This memo was misdirected to my department and I am forwarding it on to you. I have erased my initials and initialed my erasure.”

军队的规定比子弹都多。我收到一份简单的备忘录：“这份备忘录误送到我们部门，现在我把它转送给你。我已经把我的草签划掉，并且在我划掉的地方草签。”

328　Your son was born early 你的儿子出生得太早了

After our son was born, the insurance statement showed that the obstetrician was not paid the full contracted amount. So I called our insurer’s representative. “The problem is, your son was born early,” she said, looking through my files. “And the Air Force hadn’t authorized him to arrive for another two weeks.”

我们的儿子出生以后，保险公司的账单显示没有按保险全额付给产科医生。于是我给保险代理打电话。她看了我的记录说：“问题是你的儿子出生早了。空军的授权是他两个星期以后才能到达。”

329　Bring a better face 带一张好脸来

The technician who took identification card photos posted this sign where it could be seen by everyone: “If you want a better picture, bring a better face!”

负责拍摄身份证照片的技师在谁都能看见的地方贴了一张条：“如果你想拍一张好照片，就带一张好脸来。”

330　Why did you leave? 你为什么离开？

Recently, a job application came across my desk at the federal personnel office in Washington, D.C. It was written on a standard form, which includes the question “Why did you leave your previous employment?” The applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded, “The express wish of 116,000 voters.”

最近，我的位于华盛顿的联邦人事办公室收到一份职业申请表。这是一份标准格式的表，其中包括“你为什么离开前一个工作”这样的问题。申请人是前任美国众议员。他是这样回答的：“116000位选民表达的愿望。”

331　In case we lose one 万一我们丢了一张

I went to a government office to take care of some business. The clerk there gave me two index cards with identical questions on them. I filled both out, but when I handed them in, I asked the clerk why she needed two cards with the same information. Stapling the cards together, she said, “That’s in case we lose one.”

我到一个政府部门去办事。那里的职员给我两张检索卡片，上面问的是一样的问题。我把两张都填了。当我递进去的时候，我问那个职员为什么他们需要两张一模一样的卡片。她一边用钉书器把两张卡片钉在一起，一边说：“万一我们丢了一张的话。”

332　Ethics: Coming Soon 伦理道德：即将来临

As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the Federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I’m not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: “Ethics: Coming Soon!”

作为联邦政府的新雇员，我既兴奋又担心我能不能达到联邦政府给政府雇员规定的关于慎重和尊重的严格标准。生怕犯大错误，我决定到联邦政府人事管理办公室的网页上去看看有关程序和标准。当我点击其中一页并看到“伦理道德：即将来临”的时候，我不知道我究竟是不担心了，还是更担心了。

333　Do not refer to my wife as spouse 不要把我老婆称作配偶

At the Internal Revenue Service no officer was immune from letters of complaint written by disgruntled taxpayers. One time an irate farmer wrote to my supervisor: “Please tell Officer McDonald I do not owe this tax. Furthermore, do not refer to my wife as a ‘spouse’.”

在国税局工作的官员都难免会收到不满的纳税人写来的投诉信。有一次，一个愤怒的农场主写信给我的上司说：“请告诉麦克唐纳先生，我并不欠这份税。再则，不要把我老婆称作‘配偶’。”

334　What about the Senate? 参议院那边怎么样？

Working on Capitol Hill, my husband was under constant pressure. After one late night session, he came home exhausted and went straight to bed. When I turned out the light, he sat up in a panic. “Is everything okay in the House?” he asked. “Yes, honey,” I answered. “I locked the doors and turned down the heat.” “That’s good,” he said, lying back down, his eyelids heavy. “What about the Senate?”

我丈夫在国会山庄工作，处于持续的压力之下。那天，又工作了大半宿，他筋疲力尽地回到家里，直接就上了床。当我把灯关掉的时候，他惊慌地坐了起来，问：“众议院那边都好吗？”我回答说：“亲爱的，都好。我锁了门，关了暖气。”“那好。”他说，又躺了回去，眼皮发沉。“参议院那边怎么样？”

335　Breast-Feeding Awareness Month 母乳喂养宣传月

This is the memo from the City Department of Health Services. “The month of August has been designated as Breast-Feeding Awareness Month. It is a good time for employers to review their policies relative to breast-feeding employees.”

以下是市政府卫生服务局下发的通知：“八月份被指定为母乳喂养宣传月。现在是雇主检讨和采用母乳喂养的员工有关的政策的好时机。”

336　A Tragedy 悲剧

President S. H. visits a school in the capital and asks: “What’s a tragedy?” Says one boy: “If a child gets run over by a car, it’s a tragedy.” President S. H. shakes his head and says: “No, that’s an accident.” Says another boy: “If a bus full of kids goes down a cliff, it’s a tragedy.” Again, President S. H. shakes his head and says: “No, that’s a great loss, but not a tragedy.” A third boy says: “If your plane crashes and you die, that’s a tragedy.” President S. H. beams and says: “Well done. How do you figure that out?” The boy replies: “Because it wouldn’t be an accident and it wouldn’t be a great loss.”

S.H.总统访问在首都的一所学校，问学生：“什么是悲剧？”一个男孩说：“如果一个孩子被汽车轧了，那是悲剧。”S.H.总统摇头说：“不，那是事故。”另一个男孩说：“如果一辆满载孩子的汽车掉下了悬崖，那是悲剧。”S.H.总统摇头说：“不，那是重大损失，但不是悲剧。”第三个男孩说：“如果你的飞机失事，你死了，那是悲剧。”S.H.总统面露喜色地说：“说对了。你是怎么想出来的？”男孩回答说：“因为那既不是事故，又不是重大损失。”

337　Two Candidates 两个候选人

Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd—shaking hands, kissing babies, etc. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd—shaking hands, kissing babies, etc. “That man’s persistence yonder,” observed one of the natives, “sure makes it easy to know who to vote for.” “Yep,” another native agreed. “Sure can’t see myself casting a vote for a man who doesn’t have the good sense to come in out of the rain.”

两个竞选政府职务的候选人碰巧安排在同一个公园里同时进行竞选集会。经过一轮冗长的演说之后，两个候选人开始亲善听众，握手、亲吻孩童等等。突然，天开始下起雨来。其中一个候选人逃到附近一家餐馆的雨篷下面。有五六个追随者跟着他。然而，另外一个候选人继续亲善听众，握手、亲吻孩童等等。有一个当地人评论说：“这个人比较能坚持。这就很容易知道该选谁了。”另一个当地人附和说：“对。我肯定不能让我自己把关键性的一票投给连躲雨都不会的人。”

338　Free Kitten 免费小猫

I was waiting in line at my county clerk’s office one afternoon and noticed a handlettered sign that read: “Any child left unattended will be given a free kitten.”

一天下午，当我在我们县政府书记员办公室排队等候的时候，注意到有一张手写的告示：“没有大人照看的儿童将得到一只免费小猫。”

339　Make triplicate copies before destroy 在销毁之前请复印一式三份

Responsible for the overall closing of a military base, I was reviewing voluminous files. I found some old records that were of no possible value, and sent a letter to Washington requesting permission to destroy them. The reply read as follows: “Permission is given to destroy the records, but please make triplicate copies of them first.”

我负责全面处理一个军事基地的关闭事宜，正在审阅大量的文件。我发现有一些老的记录不可能再有使用价值，就发了一封信给华盛顿，请求批准销毁这些记录。我收到的答复如下：“兹批准销毁这些记录。不过，在销毁之前，请复印一式三份。”

340　The Opposite 反义词

If con is the opposite of pro, then congress is the opposite of progress?

如果con（反对）是pro（赞成）的反义词，那么congress（国会）是progress（进步）的反义词吗？

341　There was no arriving general 没有将军要来

Our band at Air Force Base was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just afternoon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. One of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general.

每一次有将军到我们空军基地来的时候，我们基地的乐队都要演奏。一天早上，我们的司令官在收音机里听到弗罗斯特将军当天下午要到达，他就让我们带着乐器紧急赶到飞行线。我们这些音乐家当中有一个人也听到了这条消息。他把司令官悄悄叫到一边，耳语起来。当他们回来的时候，长官告诉我们这次演奏取消了。没有将军要来。（General Frost：严霜，弗罗斯特将军）

342　It’s your land 这是你的地

Wanting to build on some property I own, I paid a visit to the county planning office. “Okay, here is a list of trees you may not cut down. And here are the state strictures about wetlands development,” the woman said. “I was wondering if I could drive my ATV on it?” I asked tentatively. “Hey, it’s your land,” she replied. “You can do whatever you want with it.”

我想在属于我的土地上搞一些建筑，就到县计划办公室去了一次。那个妇人说：“这是一张不准砍伐的树木清单。这是州里对于湿地开发的限制规定。”我试探性地问：“我能不能在上面开我的全天候汽车？”她回答说：“嘿，这是你的地，你想干什么都行！”

343　Frightened Telephone Repairman 吓得半死的电话修理工

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were suddenly called away on an emergency, a man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, “Get back in there, and don’t come out until you’re told!” The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released the very frightened telephone repairman.

我妹妹是一个国际机场的秘书。她的办公室隔壁的房间是保安部门临时关押疑犯的地方。有一天，保安人员突然被调去处理一个紧急情况，一个男人被留在没有加锁的房间里。过了几分钟，门开了，他要走出来。一个秘书鼓足勇气大喊：“回去！不让你出来不准出来！”那个男人仓促逃进房间，用力甩上了门。当保安人员回来的时候，那个秘书向他们报告了发生的事。一个保安人员一言不发地走进屋子，放走了吓得半死的电话修理工。

344　Eternal Revenue Service 永恒税务局

Searching through my young assistant’s Rolodex for the number of the IRS proved enlightening. After having no success looking under “I,” I flipped through every letter until I eventually found the listing under “E” as in “Eternal Revenue Service.”

我翻我的年轻助理的名片盒，找国税局（内部税收服务局）的电话号码，结果很有启发。我在I字母下面找不到，就把所有卡片都翻个遍。最后，在字母E下面找到了：Eternal Revenue Service，永恒税务局。

美国的邮政服务由官办改为民办已经多年，但是官僚习气却依然如故。银行虽然是民办，但办事作风却颇像衙门。

下面三则笑话就是讽刺邮政和银行服务的。

345　Package got lost 包裹寄丢了

My package got lost in the mail. I stopped by my local Post Office and asked them to track it down. “It’s not that simple,” the clerk said. “You have to fill out a mail loss form before we can initiate a search.” “Okay,” I said. “I’ll take one.” He rummaged under his counter, then went to ask some other clerks, and returned, “You have to come back later. We ran out of the forms.”

我的包裹寄丢了。我到附近邮局要求他们查找。邮局职员说：“这可没那么简单。你必须先填一张邮件丢失表，我们才能开始查找。”我说：“好吧，那我就填一张好了。”他在柜台下面翻腾了好一阵，又跑去问另外几个职员，然后回来说：“你只好再来一次了。这种表格用完了。”

346　Don’t get lost 免得寄丢

I went to the post office to get forms for changing address. “When you’ve filled them out,” suggested the clerk, “bring them here in person so they don’t get lost in the mail.”

我到邮局去填一份更改地址的表格。邮局职员建议说：“你填完以后亲自拿到这里来，免得寄丢了。”

347　Customer Appreciation Day 感谢顾客日

I have several accounts at a bank. When I entered to deposit a sizable check, I noticed that streamers and balloons filled the lobby. I didn’t stop to see what the celebration was about. At the counter, the teller said a hold would be placed on my check because there wasn’t enough money in my account to cover it. I argued that with all my accounts combined, there were more than enough funds. The teller went to speak with the manager. She returned, with a sour face, and curtly informed me she would go ahead and credit the check to my account. As I left, I asked her, “By the way, why is the bank decorated?” Under her breath she said, “It’s customer appreciation day.”

我在一家银行里开有几个账户。当我到银行里去存一张大面额支票的时候，我看到大厅里布满了彩带和气球。我没停下来看看这是庆祝什么。在柜台上，出纳员对我说，因为我账户里的钱数少于支票面额，所以支票需要压一段时间才可以动用。我争辩说，把我几个账户加在一起，钱数就超过支票面额了。那个出纳员就进去找经理。她拉长了脸回来，生硬地说她会把支票上的钱数加到我的账户上。我即将离开的时候问她：“顺便问一下，银行为什么装扮得这么漂亮？”她小声地说：“今天是感谢顾客日。”

VI.　法律笑话

348　A Lawyer’s Personal Integrity 律师的个人诚实

An investment counselor realized she needed assistance, and so she began interviewing young lawyers. “As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward and continued, “Mr. Smith, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?” “Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifty thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

一位投资顾问觉得她需要一个帮手。她开始面试一些青年律师。她对第一个应试人说：“你知道，对于我们这样的业务，我们的个人诚实必须无可挑剔。”她凑近应试人继续说：“史密斯先生，你是一个诚实的律师吗？”应试人说：“诚实？让我来告诉你我有多诚实。我父亲借给我五万美元读书，我在做第一个案子时就一分不少地全部还给他了。”“给人印象深刻。那是一个什么样的案子呢？”律师在椅子里不安地扭了一下身体，说：“他为这笔钱告我。”

349　A Divorce Lawyer 离婚律师

A middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The curiosity gets the better of her, a girl goes up to the balding man and asks what he is doing. “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards, signed ‘Guess who?’” “But why?” asks the girl. “I’m a divorce lawyer.”

一个中年秃顶的男子站在柜台边上，有条不紊地往粉红色印满红心的信封上贴印有“LOVE”字样的邮票。随后又拿出香水瓶往信封上喷香水。受好奇心驱使，一位姑娘忍不住走上前去，问他在干什么。“我在发1000份署名为‘猜一猜是谁’的情人卡。”姑娘问：“那是为什么？”“我是一个离婚律师。”

350　Liability 法律责任

Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the university campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class. Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought—until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.

一场暴风雪覆盖了大学校园，人行道变得很滑。我一边看别人滑跤，一边小心翼翼地走着去上课。突然，我发现自己走在一段没有雪的干净人行道上。我想这可真奇怪，直到我注意到它正对着法学院的前面。

351　An Honest Lawyer 诚实的律师

A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the lawyer and doctor and clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman’s sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. The lawyer expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. “I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.”

一个快死的人把他的律师、医生和牧师叫到他的床前，给他们每人一个装有两万五千美元现金的信封。他让他们每个人都承诺，在他入殓的时候，他们会把这三个信封放进他的棺材。他说他希望下一辈子能有足够的钱花。一星期以后他死了。在守灵的时候，律师、医生和牧师每个人都把一个信封放进棺材，并且和他们的老客户、老朋友告别。几个月以后，这三个人碰巧又见面了。牧师带着负罪感很快就忏悔说，他放进棺材里的那个信封只装了一万美元。他觉得，与其浪费所有的钱，不如寄一些给南美的传教士。他请求他们的原谅。被牧师的真诚所感动，医生也忏悔说，他给一个有价值的医学慈善机构留了一些钱。他承认信封里只装了八千美元。律师对他的两位最老、最信任的朋友的严重犯罪行为表示深深的失望。他说：“我是唯一的对我们将死的朋友信守承诺的人。我想让你们俩知道，我把全额都装进了棺材。确实，我的信封里装有我的个人支票两万五千美元。”

352　What do you want it to be? 你想要它等于几？

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, “What is 2+2?” The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, “4.” Then the mathematician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, “4.0.” Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, “What do you want it to be?”

一个律师、一个工程师和一个数学家被叫来参加一项考试。工程师第一个进来。问他的问题是“二加二等于几？”工程师想了一会儿，最后说：“等于四。”接着，数学家被叫进来，问同一个问题。他想也不想就回答说“等于四点零”。最后，律师被叫进来，问同一个问题。他甚至比数学家回答得还要快：“你想要它等于几？”

353　Where’s my Rolex? 我的劳力士表在哪里？

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. A truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side of the Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911. Within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.” “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer. The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?” “Ah!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”

一个非常成功的律师把他崭新的雷克萨斯轿车停在他的律师楼前，准备向他的同事们炫耀。一辆大卡车开得太近，把他驾驶座那一侧的车门整个地撕了下去。那个律师马上抓起手机，打911报警。警察很快就来了。还没等警察问任何问题，那个律师就已经歇斯底里地大叫大喊起来。他的车是头一天才买的，现在完全被毁了。不论修车铺怎么修，都不会和原来一样了。当律师终于从胡言乱语中平息下来以后，警察摇头表示反感和难以置信：“我真不能相信你们律师是那样拜物主义。你们只盯着你们的财产，而不注意任何别的东西。”律师说：“你怎么能这样讲话呢？”警察回答说：“你没有注意到你左胳膊从肘部以下全都没了吗？”律师尖叫起来：“啊，我的劳力士表在哪里？”

354　I’m the one 我是关键人物

One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders the court procedures. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. “This is where the judge sits,” I began, pointing to the bench. “The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits.” “As you can see,” I finished, “there are a lot of people involved in making this system work.” At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, “Yeah, but I’m the one who makes it all happen.”

有一天，我正在向一群九年级学生介绍法庭的程序。法庭正在休庭期间，只有书记员和一个戴着手铐的被拘留的青年男子在法庭里。我开始介绍说：“这是法官的座位，律师们坐在那些桌子旁边，书记员坐在那里，法庭记录员也就是速记员坐在这边。靠近法官的地方是证人席，那边是陪审团的席位。”我做结论说：“大家可以看到，由于许多人参与，才使这个系统运转起来。”就在这时候，那个囚犯举起铐在一起的双手说：“不过，要是没有我，这一切都不会发生。”

355　How are you feeling? 你觉得怎么样？

Farmer Mark decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Mark.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer…”

“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

Judge asked Farmer Mark to tell what happened.

“Well,” said the farmer, “As I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the red and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

农夫马克觉得他在最近这次事故中受的伤足以将负有责任的卡车公司告上法庭。在法庭上，卡车公司的昂贵的律师在盘问农夫马克：“你是不是在事故现场说你没事？”

农夫马克说：“让我来告诉你事情的经过。我刚把我心爱的骡子贝西装上……”

律师打断他说：“我没有问你细节。你只要回答问题，你是不是在事故现场说你没事？”

“嗯，我刚把我心爱的骡子贝西装上拖车……”

“法官，我是想建立这样的事实，这个男人在事故现场对高速公路巡警说他没事。可是过了好几个星期以后他来告我的委托人。我认为这是欺诈。请你让他回答我的问题。”

法官让农夫马克说说事情的经过。农夫说：“嗯，就像我刚才说的，我刚把我心爱的骡子贝西装上拖车，这辆巨大的载重车闯红灯，撞在我的一侧。我被撞进一条沟，贝西被撞进另一条沟。我被撞得很厉害，不想动。但是我能听见贝西在呻吟。一听声音我就知道她的情况很严重。事故发生以后不久，一个高速公路巡警来到现场。他听见贝西的呻吟，就过去看她。他看了她以后就拔出手枪对着她两眼之间开了一枪。然后这个巡警从路那边走过来，手里拿着枪，看着我说：‘你的骡子情况那么糟，我只好把她打死了。你觉得怎么样？’”

356　You are the first 你是头一个

My daughter, a law school graduate, had scheduled an appointment to have her wisdom teeth removed immediately following her semester exams. After the procedure was over, the oral surgeon came into the recovery room to tell her everything had gone well and she could leave soon. Then he added, “I have to tell you, I’ve had people come out of anesthesia talking about just about everything—their love lives, embarrassing moments. Some of them even start swearing at us. But you’re the first patient to have ever given me a lecture on constitutional law.”

我的女儿是法学院的毕业生。她约了时间，在期末考试一结束就马上拔掉智齿。手术结束以后，口腔外科医生来到观察室，告诉她一切都很正常，她可以很快离开。然后他补充说：“我不得不告诉你，我见过许多刚从麻醉苏醒过来的人。他们讲了各种各样的事情，他们的爱情生活、各种尴尬的场合。有人甚至发誓赌咒。而你是头一个给我上宪法课的人。”

357　He wasn’t that fat 他没有那么肥

I am a prosecuting attorney in a small town and will admit to having a few extra pounds on me. Not long ago, I was questioning a witness in an armed robbery case. I asked, “Would you describe the person you saw?” The witness replied, “He was kind of short and stout.” “You mean short and stout like me?” I asked. “Oh, no,” the witness said. “He wasn’t that fat.”

我在一个小镇上当控方律师。我承认我身上有一些赘肉。不久前，我在一件持枪抢劫案中询问证人。我问：“请你描述你见到的那个人。”证人回答说：“他是那种矮而胖的人。”我说：“你的意思是说像我这样矮而胖？”证人说：“噢，不。他没有那么肥。”

358　I’m also a lawyer 我也是一个律师

Duncan was an officer in the Naval Reserve. One day while stopped at a red light, his car was rear-ended. As the other driver, a sailor, approached, his eyes widened when he saw the lieutenant’s uniform. “It gets even better,” Duncan said with a smirk. “I’m also a lawyer.”

邓肯是海军预备队的军官。有一天，他在停红灯的时候，被后面的车追尾。那个司机是一个水手。当他走近的时候，他看到他的海军上尉的制服，眼睛睁大了。邓肯得意地说：“这更好了。我也是一个律师。”

359　Kind Witness 善良的目击证人

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. “Sorry. I just backed into your car. The witness who saw the accident is nodding and smiling at me because he thinks I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.”

一个律师回到他停着的宝马车上，发现两个前车灯都撞坏了，引擎盖也有明显的损坏，但看不到有肇事车的踪迹。不过，看到雨刷下面夹了一张纸条，他松了一口气。纸条上写着：“对不起，我刚才倒车撞到你的车。看见这个事故的目击证人现在正在对我点头和微笑，因为他以为我正在给您留我的姓名、地址和其他特别事项。但是，我并没有。”

360　You were my lawyer 你是我的辩护律师

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions. “Mike,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?” “I was in prison,” he answered. “You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.” “That’s not possible,” I said. “I wasn’t even a judge then.” “No, you weren’t the judge,” the defendant smiled mischievously. “You were my lawyer.”

我是一名法官。正在宣判刑事犯被告的时候，我看到一张似乎有点熟悉的脸。我又看了一下他的记录，发现他是一个职业罪犯，只有这五年没有犯罪。我很纳闷，就问他：“麦克，这五年你怎么会没惹麻烦呢？”他回答说：“我在监狱里。你该知道的。你就是那个送我进去的家伙。”我说：“这不可能。那时候我还不是法官呢。”被告顽皮地笑着说：“你不是法官。你是我的辩护律师。”

361　The Guilty Room 有罪室

I had just become a district court judge and was nervous about presiding impartially over my first criminal trial. As a former prosecutor, I could see the preponderance of evidence was clearly against the defendant. The proceedings went smoothly, until it was time for me to instruct the jury. “The jury,” I said, “is to convene to the guilty room.”

我刚当上地区法院的法官，生怕在第一个刑事案件审理过程中不公正。作为以前的公诉人，我能看出多数证据明显地对被告不利。整个审理过程进展顺利。可是到我指示陪审团到聚会室讨论的时候，我说：“陪审团到有罪室开会”。

362　A Heart that Hadn’t Been Used 从来没有用过的心脏

A rich patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have 3 possible donors: the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?” “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. The doctor asked the patient why. “It was easy,” said the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

一个有钱的患者要做心脏移植手术，正在和医生讨论几种选择。医生说：“我们有三个可能的捐献者。第一个是年轻而健康的运动员，死于车祸。第二个是一个中年商人，从来不喝酒抽烟，在飞自己的私家喷气机的时候死亡。第三个是一位律师。他在执业30年以后逝世。你要选哪一个？”病人说：“我要律师的心脏。”医生问病人为什么。病人说：“这很简单。我希望要一个从来没有用过的心。”

363　Local Counsel 本地的辩护律师

I was the presiding judge in a case involving a man charged with tax evasion. As the defendant stood alone, I asked if he had counsel. Looking toward the ceiling, the man replied, “Jesus Christ is my counselor and defender.” I nodded slowly and asked, “Do you have a local counsel?”

我是一个偷税案的主审法官。看到被告一个人站在那里，我问他是不是有辩护律师。他看着天花板回答说：“主耶稣基督是我的辩护人和保护人。”我慢慢地点头，问道：“那么你有没有本地的辩护律师呢？”

364　Pollution and Solution 污染和解决

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river? Pollution.

What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge? Solution.

一个律师被从桥上扔进河里，叫做污染。

所有的律师被从桥上扔进河里，叫做解决。

365　I am the alligator 我是鳄鱼

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that’s a different story. We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, “Who makes these allegations?” My boss stood up and proclaimed, “I am the alligator.”

我的上司在论及海关官员必须遵守的原则和规定的时候是无人可比的。但是，碰到法律问题的时候就不是那么回事了。我们在审理一个走私犯的案子中出庭。法官问法庭：“是谁做这些指控的？”我的上司起立并宣告：“我是指控人。”（可是他用错了字，成了“我是鳄鱼”。）

366　Outside of New York 是在纽约外面

Working as a court reporter, I listen to a lot of testimony including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit. Judge: “Was the child born out of wedlock?” Mother: “No, sir, just outside of New York.”

作为一个法庭书记员，我听了很多证词。以下是在一个父亲抚养权案中法官和母亲之间关于“给和取”的问答。法官：“这个孩子是在婚姻以外生的吗？”母亲：“不，法官大人。是在纽约外面生的。”

367　I don’t know him 我不认识他

Guards escorted a handcuffed prisoner into the courtroom. “Is this a tough judge?” the prisoner asked. “Yes,” the bailiff said. “A tough but fair judge.” “Yeah? How tough?” “The toughest judge since Pontius Pilate,” the bailiff replied. “I don’t know him,” said the prisoner. “I’m not from around here.”

警卫押解一个带手铐的囚犯进入法庭。囚犯问：“这个法官难对付吗？”法警回答说：“是的。一个难对付又很公正的法官。”“是吗？有多难对付？”法警回答说：“是自从本贝彼拉多以来最难对付的法官。”囚犯说：“我不认识他。我不是本地的。”（本贝彼拉多是圣经里记载的罗马总督。）

368　He is a lawyer and an EMT 他既是一个律师又是一个急救人员

During his spare time my brother, an attorney, volunteers on his town’s fire and rescue squad. When I mentioned this to a friend, he smiled and said, “Let me get this straight. Your brother is a lawyer and an EMT? So he doesn’t have to chase the ambulance—he’s already in it?”

我的弟弟是一个律师。他利用业余时间到他们镇上的消防救护队当义工。当我向一个朋友提起这件事的时候，他微笑着说：“让我把这事搞明白。你的弟弟既是一个律师，又是一个急救人员？所以他已经在救护车里，而不用追救护车了？”

VII.　医患笑话

369　It’s father’s turn 轮到父亲了

I was on duty in emergency-room when a father brought in his son, who had poked a tire from one of his toy trucks up his nose. The man was embarrassed, but I assured him this was something kids often do. I quickly removed the tire and they were on their way. A few minutes later, the father was back in the ER asking to talk to me in private. Mystified, I led him to an examining room. “While we were on our way home,” he began, “I was looking at that little tire and wondering, how on earth did my son get this thing stuck up his nose and…” It took just a few seconds to get the tire out of Dad’s nose.

我正在急诊室值班的时候，一个父亲带着他的儿子进来了。这个孩子把玩具卡车的轮胎塞到鼻孔里去了。这个父亲觉得很不好意思。我安慰他说，这是孩子们常干的事情。我很快把轮胎取出来，他们就走了。几分钟之后，那个父亲又回到急诊室，要求和我单独谈一谈。我疑惑地带他到一间检查室里。他开始说：“在回家的路上，我看着那个小轮胎觉得奇怪，我儿子究竟是怎样把这个东西塞到鼻孔里去的，然后……”我只用了几秒钟就把小轮胎从父亲的鼻孔里取出来了。

370　Comments Taken from Hospital Charts 病历里摘录下来的精彩文字

Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts: “The patient refused autopsy,” “The patient has no previous history of suicides,” “She is numb from her toes down,” “Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities,” “Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.”

你有没有想过医护人员会在挂在病床腿上的夹子板上乱涂些什么？下面是从医院病历里摘录下来的精彩文字：“病人拒绝验尸”；“病人以前无自杀史”；“她从脚趾以下麻木”；“病人有两个十几岁的孩子，但是没有其他不正常”；“出院状态：活着，但没有我的许可”。

371　What doctors dictated 医生指示记录

I’m a medical transcriptionist, and here are a few doses of what doctors have dictated for me to type up: “The patient is married, lives with her husband, and she has no other complaints;” “His body went one way and he went another;” “Despite physical therapy, there are times when he feels really good;” “The patient works 8-hour shifts, 5 to 6 hours a day;” “She walks five miles a day, and she is being followed by Dr. Scott;” “There is a numbness and tingling in one of her left feet;” “After the X rays, the left knee was sent over to her family physician.”

我是一个病历记录员。以下是医生指示让我记录的一些片断：“该病人已婚，和丈夫住在一起，没有其他抱怨”；“他的身体往一边走，而他往另一边走”；“尽管有理疗，他还有很多次感觉非常好”；“该病人上八小时的班，每天五六小时”；“她每天走五英里，而斯科特医生跟着她”；“她的左脚之一麻木和刺痛”；“拍完X光以后，她的左膝盖被送往她的家庭医生那里”。

372　In nursing home 在老人院

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. But after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

一天傍晚，一家人把他们年老体弱的母亲送到老人院，希望她能得到很好的照顾。第二天早上，护士们给她洗澡，喂她吃可口的早餐，并且让她坐在窗前的椅子上，看着美丽的花园。她看上去不错。不过，过了一会儿她就在椅子上慢慢地向一侧倾斜。两个照看她的护士马上跑过去抓住她，并把她扶直。但是，过了一会儿她又慢慢地向另一侧倾斜。照看她的护士又马上跑过去把她扶直。这样继续了整整一上午。后来，这家人来看这位老太太是不是适应新的生活。他们问：“妈妈，这里怎么样？他们对你好不好？”她回答：“挺不错。只是他们不让我放屁。”

373　What the heck is wrong with my wife? 我太太究竟出了什么问题？

A woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks his assistant for a screwdriver, which concerns the husband. After a couple more minutes, the doctor reenters the room asking for pliers. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. A little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer. The husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, “Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?” “I don’t know,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn cabinet open.”

一个危重的女病人被紧急送到医院。她的丈夫守候在等待室里。几分钟以后，医生出来让助手找螺丝刀。这使丈夫有点担心。又过了一会儿，医生又出来找钳子。这使丈夫更加担心，开始在屋子里转圈走。稍后，医生从门里面冲出来，高声喊着要锤子。这时候，处于极度恐惧状态的丈夫冲到手术医生面前问道：“医生，我太太究竟出了什么问题？”这位紧张不安的医生说：“我不知道。我那该死的柜子打不开。”

374　I’m a butcher 我是个卖肉的

Every time a father comes to visit his newborn in the nursery I’d challenge him to guess his baby’s weight. Few even came close. But, one dad picked up his son, felt him in his hands, and said, “Seven pounds and six ounces.” That was the precise weight, right down to the ounces. “That’s amazing,” I told him. “Not really,” he replied. “I do this all the time. I’m a butcher.”

每当有父亲到婴儿室来看他的新生婴儿的时候，我总要叫他猜一猜他孩子的体重。绝大多数都猜得很离谱。但是，有一个父亲拿起他的儿子，在手上掂了掂说：“七磅六盎司。”这恰恰是孩子的体重，精确到盎司。我说：“真是神了。”他回答说：“没有啦。熟能生巧，我是个卖肉的。”

375　He looks just like you 他长得真像你

We brought our newborn son to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, “You have a cute baby.” Smiling, I said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.” “No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” “So what do you say to the others?” I asked. “He looks just like you.”

我们带着刚出生的儿子到儿科医生那里去做第一次健康检查。做完检查之后医生对我们说：“你们的孩子很好看。”我笑着说：“我想你对所有刚做爸爸妈妈的人都这么说。”他回答说：“不，我只是对真的好看的孩子的父母才这么讲。”我问：“那你对其他人怎么说呢？”“他长得真像你。”

376　You look better in person 你本人看起来好一些

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked up at me. “You look better in person than you do on paper.”

我坐在那里等我的新医生阅读我那记录着我的漫长患病历史的文件。他看完全部17页以后抬起头来看着我说：“你本人看起来比写在纸上要好一些。”

377　Do you have a living will? 你立遗嘱了吗？

The cardiologist at the ER had bad news for me: “You’re going to need a pacemaker.” Later, the nurse filling out the admission form began to ask me the standard questions: “Have you ever had mumps, measles?” etc. Seeing how upset I was, she put down the clipboard and took my hand. “Don’t worry,” she said soothingly. “This kind of heart problem is easily fixed, and your life will be much better as a result.” I felt reassured until she continued: “Do you have a living will?”

急诊室的心脏科医生告诉我一个坏消息：“你将需要一个心脏起搏器。”随后，为我填写住院登记表的护士开始问我许多常规的问题：“你有没有得过腮腺炎、麻疹？”等等。她看到我很不安，就放下夹子板，抓住我的手，安慰我说：“不要紧张。这种心脏毛病是很容易治好的。治疗结果会使你的生活品质大大改善。”我刚刚比较放心了一些，她接着问：“你立遗嘱了吗？”

378　Poisonous or not 有没有毒

I am a medical student currently doing a research in toxicology at The Poison Control Center. Today, a woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful, and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

我是医学院的学生，正在毒物控制中心做毒物学的研究。今天有一个女人打电话来。她非常不安，因为她发现她的小女儿在吃蚂蚁。我很快地叫她放心，因为蚂蚁没有毒。她不必把孩子带到医院去。她平静了下来。在谈话快结束的时候，她提到她让她的女儿吃了一些杀蚂蚁的药来杀掉吃进去的蚂蚁。我告诉她，最好马上带她的女儿到急诊室去。

379　How will I be sure? 我怎么能肯定？

Panicking when my two-year-old swallowed a tiny magnet, I rushed him to the emergency room. “He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised me. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.” “How will I be sure?” I pressed. “Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”

我两岁的儿子把一块小磁铁吞下去了，我急急忙忙把他送到急诊室。医生保证说：“他没事的。磁铁过一两天就排出来了。”我追问说：“那我怎么能肯定？”医生建议说：“这个嘛，你可以把孩子贴在冰箱上。他掉下来的时候，你就知道了。”

380　Everything is expensive here 这里什么都贵

Waking up in the recovery room after surgery, I discovered my throat was dry and sore from the oxygen tube they had inserted. One of the nurses asked if I would like some ice chips to help alleviate the problem. “You know what,” I said to her, “I’ll give you ten dollars if you bring me a soft drink.” “Ten dollars?” she said. “Sir, this is a hospital. A cup of Coke here costs a hundred dollars.”

手术以后在恢复室里苏醒过来，我发现自己的嗓子因为插了氧气管而又干又酸。一位护士问我要不要含一些碎冰块来缓解一下。我对她说：“你如果给我拿一杯软饮料来，我给你十块钱。”她说：“十块钱？先生，这里是医院。一杯可口可乐在这里卖一百美金。”

381　You can’t win either way 哪面也赢不了

Just before I was to have a physical, my doctor handed me an examining gown. “I can never remember with these things,” I commented. “Does the opening go in the front or the back?” He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. You can’t win either way.”

在开始做体检之前，医生递给我一件长袍。我说：“我总也记不住，这开口一面究竟是朝前还是朝后。”他耸了耸肩膀说：“没什么两样。反正哪面也赢不了。”

382　Bite by a rabbit 兔子也咬人

A vicious bite from one of his prize-winning rabbits sent my 15-year-old son to the emergency room. The doctor and attendants who cleaned the wound and bandaged his hand were clearly amused about how he got the injury. As we were leaving the ER, they handed us a sheaf of papers that included a prescription for antibiotics, a wound-care information sheet and a recipe for rabbit stew.

我的15岁的儿子被他的得奖兔子狠狠地咬了一口，然后被送到急诊室。医生和帮助清洗、包扎手上伤口的助手们显然被他的受伤经过逗乐了。当我们要离开急诊室的时候，他们递给我们一沓纸，包括抗菌素处方、如何护理伤口的信息，还有一份炖兔子肉的菜谱。

383　Don’t go overboard 不要过分（不要掉到水里去）

I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist assured me nothing was wrong. Then I told him I was planning a cruise to Alaska and asked if he had any suggestions for avoiding the discomfort. “Have fun,” he said with a straight face, “but don’t go overboard.”

我有点胸疼，但我的心脏医生担保我没有问题。然后，我告诉他，我计划要坐游轮到阿拉斯加去玩，问他有什么建议可以防止不舒服。他一脸严肃地说：“玩得高兴。但是不要过分（双关语：不要掉到水里去）。”

384　My heart was replaced last year 我的心脏去年换掉了

Fitness center applicants at my hospital are queried about their medical problems. One man wrote “None” on the application form where it asked whether he had any cardiac problems. When a huge surgical scar was noticed on his chest, he was asked, “What is that from?” “I used to have problems with my heart, but it was replaced last year,” the man answered calmly.

我们医院的健身中心要了解申请人的身体状况。一位男子在申请表上是否曾经患过心脏疾病一栏填上“无”。人们发现他胸口上有很大的手术刀疤，问他：“这是怎么来的？”他平静地回答说：“我的心脏以前有问题，不过去年换掉了。”

385　What’s his name? 他叫什么名字？

When I was on duty in the maternity ward, one of my patients was a woman who was having her first child. Because of her medical situation, she had to undergo a cesarean procedure. After the operation, I handed her the newborn child and declared, “Congratulations! You have a healthy baby boy.” Still a little groggy from the anesthesia, she responded, “That’s great. What’s his name?”

当我在产科病房值班的时候，有一个病人是怀头胎的孕妇。由于她身体的原因，她需要做剖腹产手术。手术结束后，我把新生儿递给她说：“恭喜你生了个健康的男娃娃。”她刚从麻药中苏醒过来，虚弱地说：“太好了。他叫什么名字？”

386　I’m watching “ER” 我正在看电视连续剧《急诊室》

My mom, a nurse in the emergency room, was having an insane evening. First, a woman who had delivered her baby in a car was rushed in. Next was a man carrying a lifeless body yelling, “Help me!” In the middle of all this, a patient escaped from the psychiatric ward, tore off her clothes and went running through the halls naked. During a lull, Mom called home. “You wouldn’t believe the night I’m having,” she said to my dad. “Can’t talk now,” he interrupted. “I’m watching ‘ER’.”

我妈妈是在急诊室值班的护士。这天晚上简直让她发疯。首先冲进来的是一个把孩子生在汽车里的妇女。接着是一个男子扛着一个已经死了的尸体大喊：“帮帮我！”更添乱的是一个女精神病人从病房里逃出来，撕掉自己的衣服，赤身裸体地在大厅里狂奔而过。等情况稍微平息，我妈妈给家里打了一个电话，告诉我爸爸说：“你不会相信我这个晚上是什么样的。”我爸爸打断她说：“我现在不能闲聊。我正在看电视连续剧《急诊室》呢。”

387　The Cost of a Smile 微笑的代价

After a long-overdue checkup, my dentist sat down with me to go over all the work I would need on my mouth. Her total estimate was $9,200. I gasped, “For that kind of money, I could get a tummy tuck and silicone implants.” “But what about your smile?” she asked. “If I had all that done,” I told her, “I guarantee no one would be looking at my teeth.”

我拖了很久才去做牙齿的常规检查。做完之后我的牙医和我一起坐下来数我的嘴里需要做哪些修补。她的估价是九千两百美金。我气呼呼地说：“花这些钱都够做整腹和隆胸手术了。”她问我：“但是你不要好看的微笑了吗？”我告诉她说：“如果我把那几样都做了，我保证没有人会看我的牙齿。”

388　A Brain Surgeon 脑外科医生

One afternoon a very preoccupied looking young woman got on my bus. About 15 minutes into the ride, she blurted out, “Oh, my gosh, I think I’m on the wrong bus line.” I dropped her at the next stop and gave her directions to the right bus. “I don’t know where my mind is today. I must have left it at work,” she apologized. Just before she got off, I noticed she was wearing an ID card from an area hospital. “Are you a nurse?” I asked. “Oh, no,” she said. “I’m a brain surgeon.”

一天下午，一个看起来心事重重的年轻女子上了我的公共汽车。大约坐了15分钟，她突然大叫起来：“啊，天哪！我想我是上错车了。”我让她在下一站下车，并且告诉她到哪里去坐她那趟公共汽车。她表示歉意说：“我不知道今天我的魂到哪里去了。一定是落在班儿上了。”她刚要下车的时候，我注意到她挂着的地区医院的出入身份证。我问她：“你是护士吗？”她说：“不是，我是脑外科医生。”

389　Cross out “expert” 把“专家”两个字划掉

While working as a radiological technologist in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis. “What happened to this patient?” he asked in astonishment. “He fell out of a tree,” I reported. The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. “I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he is a tree expert.” Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, “Cross out ‘expert’.”

我在一家医院的急诊室里当放射科技师。我给一个外伤病人拍X光片，然后拿去给放射科医生看。医生看到很多处股骨和骨盆的断裂，惊讶地问：“这个病人怎么啦？”我报告说：“他从树上掉下来了。”这个放射科医生想知道病人在树上干什么。我说：“我不敢肯定。不过病历上说他是一个林木专家。”医生专心凝视着X光片，然后眨眨眼睛说：“把专家两个字划掉。”

390　That’s just what the doctor ordered 这正是医生定的

I am a room service attendant in one of the posh hotels in Las Vegas. During a medical convention at the hotel, I was preparing a breakfast order that consisted of fried eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns and a cheese Danish. “Now that’s a heart attack waiting to happen,” commented a passing co-worker. “Yeah,” I replied. “And believe it or not, that’s just what the doctor ordered!”

我是拉斯维加斯一家豪华旅馆的客房服务小姐。在旅馆举行医学年会期间，我正在为客人准备一份早餐，有煎鸡蛋、煎腌肉、火腿、煎马铃薯饼和一块丹麦奶酪蛋糕。一位从旁边经过的同事评论说：“有一个心肌梗塞要犯了。”我说：“对呀！不过，不管你信不信，这正是医生定的。”

391　That’s all I wanted to know 这正是我想要知道的

As an attorney in a law firm, I have many colleagues who work long hours. However, my partner not only had to leave work early one day because of a medical problem, but was also told by his doctor to stay home until the end of the week. He grudgingly agreed to comply. In the middle of the week, our receptionist received a call for him. She announced that he was out of the office until Friday. “Good,” the caller said. “That’s all I wanted to know.” It was his doctor.

作为一个在法律事务所工作的律师，我有很多同事每天工作很长时间。可是有一天，我的搭档生了病，不但要提前走，而且医生让他在家里一直呆到周末。他很不情愿地答应了。在那个星期的中间，接待员接到一个找他的电话，就告诉对方说，他在星期五之前都不会来上班。对方说：“好。这正是我想要知道的。”打电话的是他的医生。

392　It used to be a dolphin 以前它只是一条海豚

As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. “That sure is a pretty whale,” I commented. With a smile she replied, “It used to be a dolphin.”

作为一个产科医生，在接生的时候能看到一些不一般的刺青。一个产妇的肚子上有一个类似鱼形的刺青。我评论说：“这条鲸挺漂亮。”她笑着回答说：“以前它只是一条海豚。”

393　I sleep with a lot of people 我和很多人一起睡觉

Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts. The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to know one another’s habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of my teeth were chipped. “It looks like you clench your jaw at night,” he said. “No way,” I blurted without thinking. “No one has ever said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!”

我们救护车公司的工作人员上的是24小时的班。我们睡觉的地方是一个大屋子，里面放了很多单人床。所以我们互相之间都了解各自的习惯，比如谁睡觉打呼、说梦话等等。有一天，牙医为我做检查，发现我的牙齿有的掉碎片，就说：“看来你晚上磨牙齿。”我不假思索地说：“这不可能。从来没有人说我磨牙齿。我和很多人一起睡觉。”

394　Delete button for our mouths 嘴边上装一个“删除”键

Unfortunately, we humans don’t come equipped with a delete button for our mouths. My rock band were playing a concert at the psychiatric hospital where I worked as a musical therapist. The audience was a little too quiet for his taste, so the guitarist decided to do something about it. He grabbed the microphone, pointed to the group and yelled, “Are you ready to get a little crazy?”

遗憾的是，我们人类没有在嘴边上装备一个“删除”键。我的摇滚乐队在我当音乐治疗师的精神病医院里演出。吉他手觉得听众太安静了，就决定要改变一下。他抓起麦克风，指着人群大喊：“你们有没有准备好来一点疯疯癫癫的？”

395　I will fill it 我给你充满（我给你补上）

My brother has a great e-mail address. It starts PS81_10b@ to represent the second half of the Bible verse Psalms 81:10, which states “Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.” By the way, he’s a dentist.

我的哥哥有一个很好的电子邮件地址。它的开头部分是PS81_10b@，代表圣经诗篇八十一篇第十节的下半部分，即“你要大大张口，我就给你充满”。顺便说一下，他是个牙科医生。

396　This is Lisa. Can I help you? 我是丽莎，能为你做什么？

As customer-service reps, we hear a beep telling us a customer’s on the line, and we’re on. We repeat the same phrases so often that we can do the job in our sleep. One day a co-worker had heart surgery. In her anesthetized stupor following her operation, she heard the beep of the heart monitor and groggily said, “This is Lisa. Can I help you?”

作为顾客服务代表，当我们听到“嘀”的一声就知道有一个顾客在电话线上，我们就上线。我们反反复复讲那几句同样的话，以至睡着了也能讲。有一天，一个同事做心脏手术。在手术之后，她仍然处于麻药的昏睡之中。听到心电监护仪发出的“嘀嘀”声，她虚弱地说：“我是丽莎，能为你做什么？”

397　Start new cavities today 今天就开始长新的龋齿

Some people drum up business by advertising on TV or in newspapers. Not my dentist. Recently, I endured hours of surgery to have cavities filled. Afterward, as I groggily headed for the door, I passed a large dish of candy on the receptionist’s desk. A small sign above it read: “Why delay? Start new cavities today!”

有些人是靠在电视和报纸上做广告来推动业务发展。而我的牙医不是这样。最近，我忍受了好几个小时做补龋齿的手术。做完以后，我虚弱地向门外走去，经过接待员桌子边上放着的一大盘糖果。在它上面贴着一张小字条，写着：“为什么要拖延？今天就开始长新的龋齿！”

398　When were you in Austria? 你什么时候去的奥地利？

In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, a gynecologist struck up a casual conversation. After noticing the label on her sandals read “Made in Austria,” he asked, “So, when were you in Austria?” Flummoxed, the patient asked, “You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?”

一位妇科医生在给一个新病人做检查的时候，为了使病人放松，就开始和她聊天。他注意到病人的凉鞋上的标签写着“奥地利制造”，就问：“你什么时候去的奥地利？”那病人困惑地问：“你从骨盆检查能看出所有这一切？”

399　Who is the patient? 谁是病人？

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. When I pushed a wheelchair to the ward, I found a gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him. “I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

医院的规定要求用轮椅送病人出院。当我推着轮椅到病房的时候，看见一位男士已经穿好衣服坐在床上，脚边放着一个小提箱。他坚持说他不需要我的帮助就可以离开医院。我对他说规定就是规定。他勉强让我用轮椅推他上电梯。在下楼的时候我问他，他太太会不会来接他。他说：“我不知道。她还在楼上厕所里换她的病号服呢。”

400　The Only Time to Control 唯一可以控制的时候

As a nurse in a maternity unit, I’ve had to answer all kinds of questions from patients and their families. I couldn’t help but notice that one expectant father seemed particularly interested in the electronic fetal monitor. “Would it hurt anything if I just turned this dial up and down from time to time?” he asked. “No,” I answered, “but why would you want to do that?” Smiling, the dad explained, “I know from experience it’s the only time in a child’s life I’ll be able to control.”

作为产科病房的护士我不得不回答病人和家属的各种各样的问题。我忍不住要注意一位准父亲，似乎对电子胎儿监护仪特别感兴趣。他问我：“如果我把这个钮一会儿拨上来一会儿拨下去，会不会伤到胎儿呢？”我说：“那不会。不过你为什么想那样做呢？”他笑着解释说：“根据我的经验，在一个孩子的一生中，这是我唯一可以控制的时候。”

401　Is there a pharmacist in the house? 这里有药剂师吗？

My son was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I’m sorry. I can’t seem to make out what I’ve written down.” Looking out into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

我的儿子娶一个医生的女儿为妻。在婚宴上，新娘的父亲站起来致词。他的发言稿是很潦草地写在一张小纸条上。在讲话中，他好几次停下来。我以为是因为情绪激动的缘故。然而，在一次特别长的停顿之后，他解释说：“对不起，看来我是认不出我写的是什么了。”他往听众席上看了一下，问：“这里有药剂师吗？”

402　Which ear should I put the oil in? 我该往哪一只耳朵里灌油呢？

I received an emergency call from a patient: She had a fly in her ear. “Pour warm olive oil in your ear and lie down for a couple of minutes,” I suggested. “When you lift your head, the fly should emerge with the liquid.” The patient thought that sounded like a good idea. But she had one question: “Which ear should I put the oil in?”

我接到病人打来的紧急电话：有一只小虫子飞进她的耳朵里去了。我建议说：“灌一些温的橄榄油到耳朵里，躺下一两分钟。当抬起头来的时候，小虫子就会和油一起流出来了。”病人觉得这个办法听起来不错。但是她又问：“我该往哪一只耳朵里灌油呢？”

403　You only have one eye left 你只剩一只眼睛了

I work in an ophthalmology practice that specializes in LASIK surgery. Prior to one operation, the patient was so frightened that she was actually shaking. Nothing I said seemed to calm her. After the doctor finished operating on her left eye, I wanted her to know the surgery was going well. “There,” I said, patting her hand reassuringly. “Now you only have one eye left!”

我在一家专做激光视力矫正手术的眼科诊所工作。在做一个手术前，那个病人害怕得直发抖。不论我说什么都不能使她平静。在医生做完她的左眼手术以后，我想让她知道手术进行得很顺利，就拍拍她的手，安慰她说：“现在你只剩一只眼睛了。”

404　Taking out the ones I don’t like 把我不喜欢的东西挑出去

An extremely nervous patient came to the dental office for root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the reclining dental chair. The dentist then injected a numbing agent around the patient’s tooth, and left the room for a few minutes while the medication took hold. When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment. “What are you doing by the surgical instruments?” asked the surprised dentist. Focused on his task, the patient replied, “I’m taking out the ones I don’t like.”

一个非常紧张的病人到牙医诊所做根管手术。他被带进诊疗室，在牙科躺椅上躺下来。牙医把麻药注射到病人的牙齿周围，然后让他留在那里几分钟，让麻药起作用。当牙医回来的时候，看见病人站在放牙医器械的盘子旁边。牙医惊奇地问：“你在手术器械旁边干什么？”病人仍然专注于他的工作，答道：“我在把我不喜欢的东西挑出去。”

405　I can’t wake my doctor 我不能叫醒我的医生

As a veterinarian, I was called at home in the middle of the night by a woman in distress. She had swallowed her dog’s heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn’t harm her, but by law, I’m forbidden to give medical advice. “If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you’d call me,” I explained. “In this case, you really should consult with your own physician.” “But it’s one in the morning!” she exclaimed. “I can’t wake my doctor.”

我是一个兽医。有一天半夜，一个苦恼的妇人打电话到我家里。她误吃了她的狗的心脏蠕虫药片。我知道这对她没什么危害。但是，法律不允许我做医药方面的建议。我对她解释说：“如果你的狗吃了你的药，你应该打电话找我。而现在这种情况，你实在应该问你自己的医生。”她大喊：“可现在是凌晨一点钟，我不能叫醒我的医生！”

406　This won’t hurt a bit 这一点也不疼

In the courtroom where I worked as a court reporter, a dentist was called as a witness. He took the oath a few feet from my desk, and I noticed his upraised arm was trembling, apparently from nervousness. After he finished, I couldn’t resist saying softly, “Sit down, Doctor. This won’t hurt a bit.”

在我做法庭书记员的法庭上，一位牙医被传来作证。他在离我的桌子几尺远的地方宣誓。我看到他举起的手臂因紧张而颤抖。在他结束以后，我忍不住轻声对他说：“坐下吧，医生，这一点也不疼。”

407　I’m an obstetrician 我是产科医生

While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster and I couldn’t reach it. The woman next in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in and fished out the piece of toast. “You must be an emergency worker,” I joked. “No,” she replied with a grin. “I’m an obstetrician.”

我到医院探望母亲的时候，到餐厅吃早餐。我把一片面包放在旋转式烤炉的转盘上，等它经过加热线圈烤成浅棕色以后再转出来。但是，面包卡在烤炉的后面，我够不到。排在我后面的女人麻利地抓起一把钳子，夹住面包片，把它捞出烤炉。我开玩笑地说：“你一定是一个急救人员。”她咧嘴笑了笑说：“不对，我是产科医生。”

408　My patients can bite 我的患者是要咬人的

The time came for annual immunizations at our overseas Air Force base. To get us all vaccinated as quickly as possible, they pressed the veterinary surgeon into helping out. I got my injection from the vet. “Wow,” I said, “you did that so gently, I hardly felt it.” “I have to be gentle,” he said. “My patients can bite.”

这是海外空军基地一年一度预防接种的时候。为了使我们全体尽快地完成预防接种，他们让兽医也来帮忙。是一个兽医给我打的针。我说：“啊，你的动作这么轻，我都没感觉到。”他说：“我的动作不得不轻，我的患者是要咬人的。”

409　In a few minutes 再过几分钟

When I entered the Army medical center on base 20 minutes prior to delivering my baby, I had a hard time convincing the staff that I was definitely in the last stages of labor. We had waited 10 minutes in the pre-admittance area when a nurse finally came in and said, “My name is Captain Smith, but you can call me Lisa.” “I’m Chaplain Black,” my husband responded, “but you can call me George.” “My name is Lily,” I added in frustration, “but in a few minutes you can call me Mom!”

我在生孩子前20分钟进入陆军医疗中心。但是医护人员都不相信我真的要生了。我们在预检区等了十分钟，护士终于来了。她说：“我是史密斯上尉，不过你们可以叫我丽莎。”我丈夫回应说：“我是布莱克中尉，不过你可以叫我乔治。”我沮丧地补充说：“我是丽莉，不过再过几分钟你们可以叫我妈妈。”

410　A Psychiatric Evaluation 精神科医生的评估

After many battles in Iraq, my son was ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation in which he had to endure some odd questions. “If you saw a submarine in the Sahara, what would you do?” “Well, I’d throw snowballs at it,” he answered. “Where’d you get the snowballs?” the doctor asked. “Same place you got the submarine.”

在伊拉克打了很多仗以后，我儿子被命令去做一次精神科医生的评估。在那里他得容忍很多稀奇古怪的问题。“如果你在撒哈拉大沙漠看到一艘潜水艇，你会怎么做？”他回答：“嗯，我会向它扔雪球。”医生问：“从哪里去弄雪球？”“就从你弄到潜水艇的地方。”

411　Identity Disorder 身份混乱症

The secretary in our mental-health clinic chose a new screensaver—a picture of a dancing teapot playing the children’s song “I’m a Little Teapot.” Seeing this, our child psychiatrist posted a message on the secretary’s desk: “Your computer is suffering from an identity disorder.”

我们精神健康诊所的秘书选择了一个新的屏幕保护画，是一个茶壶的图片，一边跳舞，一边唱儿童歌曲《我是一个小茶壶》。看到这个，我们的儿童精神科医生在秘书的桌子上贴了一张条子：“你的电脑患的是身份混乱症”。

412　Imaginary Basketball 想像中的篮球

I served with a guy who did a strange thing: He played an imaginary basketball wherever he went. Eventually, a psychiatrist labeled him unfit for duty, which led to a medical discharge. After the proceedings, he addressed the officer in charge. “Sir, may I approach?” With permission granted, he went through the motion of putting something on the officer’s desk. “What is this?” asked the officer. “My basketball. I don’t need it anymore.”

和我在一起服役的一个人做了一件稀奇古怪的事情：他不论到哪里，都打着他那个想像中的篮球。最后，精神科医生诊断他不适合服役，就让他复员回家。办完手续以后，他对管事的军官说：“长官，我能靠近吗？”得到允许之后，他做了一个好像把什么东西放在军官桌子上面的动作。军官问：“这是什么？”“我的篮球。我不再需要它了。”

413　Unreachable Relief 拿不到手的解脱

An aching back sent me to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.

我因背痛到药店去找减轻的办法。我找了一阵才找到我想要的东西：专门为背痛的患者使用的热敷护垫。但它们全部在货架的底层。

414　Is George W. Bush still President? 乔治·W·布什还是总统吗？

The huge backlog in the doctor’s waiting room was taking its toll. Patients were glancing at their watches and getting restless. Finally one man walked to the receptionist and tapped on the glass. She slid back the window, saying, “Sir, you’ll have to wait your turn.” “I just had a question,” he said dryly, “Is George W. Bush still President?”

在医生的候诊室里越等越多的病人正在开始骚动。病人们在看表，变得坐立不安。最后，一位男子走到接待员那里敲玻璃窗。接待员打开玻璃窗说：“先生，你必须得按次序等。”那个男子一本正经地说：“我只是要问一个问题：乔治·W·布什还是总统吗？”

415　Pay my $60 up front 我先预付60美元

Exasperated with obnoxious patients in the clinic, I put up a sign that read: “If you are grouchy, irritable, or just plain mean, there will be a $10 surcharge for putting up with you.” That same afternoon a patient came to my window and announced, “The doctor said he would like to see me every month for the next six months, so I’m going to pay all my $60 up front.”

被诊所里令人讨厌的病人激怒，我贴了一张条子：“如果你是怨天尤人的、急躁的，或者十足刻薄的，那么为了忍受你，额外收费十美元。”当天下午，一个病人到我的窗口说：“医生说在未来的六个月里每个月要见我一次。所以我先预付60美元。”

416　Go to the light 走向亮光

At the hospital patients hit the “call light” to get a nurse’s attention. To underscore the need to respond rapidly, a snappy catchphrase was created and printed on buttons. But the patients were feared where nurses entered their rooms wearing a button that read “Go to the light.”

在医院里病人按“呼唤”钮把护士叫来。为了突出需要快速响应的呼唤，人们创造了一种流行的时髦话，并且印在按钮上。但是，当护士拿着印着“走向亮光”的按钮走进病房的时候，病人都吓坏了。（注：据有过死亡经历的人说，人在临死时是走向亮光。）

417　Be true or be false 忠诚或不忠诚

This is a sign in a dentist’s office: “Be True to Your Teeth, or They Will Be False to You.”

一张在牙医诊所里的告示：“忠诚地对待你的牙齿，否则你的牙齿就会对你不忠诚。”

418　How long is three weeks? 三个星期有多久？

The outraged patient bellowed, “Three weeks? The doctor can’t see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!” Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?”

生气的病人咆哮说：“三个星期？医生要过三个星期才能见我？在那以前我早已经死了！”在电话线的另一头平静的声音回答说：“如果是这样，你能不能让你太太打电话来取消这个预约？”

419　Smart Investment 聪明的投资

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display. “I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.” “That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “The guy was your doctor.”

一位艺术家问画廊的主人是不是有人对他在画廊展出的油画有兴趣。画廊的主人回答说：“有好消息，也有坏消息。好消息是有一个绅士问了你的作品的价格，还问我如果你死了以后作品会不会增值。当我给了他肯定的答复以后，他买下了你全部15幅油画。”艺术家大叫：“太棒了！那么坏消息呢？”“那人是你的医生。”

420　Six months to live 只能活六个月了

“I’m afraid I have bad news,” the doctor told his patient. “You only have six months to live.” The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. “I can’t possibly pay you in that time.” “Okay,” the doctor said, “let’s make it nine months.”

医生对他的病人说：“我恐怕有一个坏消息告诉你。你只能活六个月了。”那个人吓得在那里呆坐了好几分钟。恢复镇定以后，他很抱歉地对医生说他没有医疗保险，他不可能在那时候付钱。医生说：“那就改九个月吧。”

421　You’re just lazy 你只是懒

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.” “Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

一个男子告诉医生说，他以往做的那些家务事，现在全都不能做了。当医生检查结束以后，他说：“医生，我能受得了。用通俗的英语告诉我，我到底得了什么病。”医生回答说：“用通俗的英语说，你只是懒。”他说：“好，现在你用医学术语告诉我，我好转告我太太。”

422　The Next Appoinment 下一次预约

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

一对夫妇在做头一次怀孕以后的首次常规检查。检查完一切以后，医生拿出一个小印章，用洗不掉的墨水在孕妇的肚子上盖了章。这对夫妇非常好奇这印章是干什么用的。回到家里，丈夫就翻箱倒柜找出一个放大镜来看。这印章上印的是非常小的字：“当你能看清这些字的时候，回来见我。”

423　Food in Hospital 医院里的食物

I was making rounds one morning with a physician when we were interrupted by a co-worker who inquired about a patient’s diet. “Mrs. Jones does nothing but complain about her food,” said my co-worker. “She says the coffee tastes like mud.” “Well, it should,” the doctor quipped. “It was fresh ground just this morning.”

一天早上，我正在和一个内科医生一起查房，一个同事打断了我们，询问一个病人的饮食限制。他说：“琼斯太太只会抱怨她的食物。她说她的咖啡喝起来像泥浆。”医生打趣说：“嗯，应该是这样。咖啡是今天早上新磨的。”

424　A Good Time to Look up Old Friends 访问老朋友的好时候

The contest in the hospital was simple: Which department could create the best Christmas decorations? While they didn’t win first prize, the members of the proctology department did receive high honors with their distinctive sign, “Christmas is a good time to look up old friends.”

在医院里举行的一次竞赛很简单：看哪一个部门创造出最佳的圣诞节装饰。直肠科虽然没有赢得一等奖，但他们与众不同的标语赢得了很高的评价：“圣诞节是访问老朋友的好时候。”

425　She’s had five litters 她已经下了五窝小狗了

One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor’s office. But before taking this dog’s leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, “Is she friendly?” “Friendly?” said the man. “She’s had five litters!”

我们的一个顾客带着一条硕大的德国短毛猎犬来做阉割手术。作为兽医助理，我要把病号带进医生办公室。不过，在把她拉过来以前，我瞥一眼她的大牙齿，问：“她友善吗？”那个主人说：“友善？她已经下了五窝小狗了。”

426　Cane and Able 残疾和自理

During a visit with a friend at an assisted living center, we were invited to stay for lunch. As we entered the cafeteria, she leaned toward me and whispered, “They have two lines here. We call them cane and able.”

我和一个朋友去访问一个老年人辅助生活中心。我们被邀请留下来吃午饭。进入餐厅的时候，我的朋友凑到我面前说：“这里他们排两行，我们称之为残疾和自理。”

VIII.　技术笑话

427　Don’t have time for girlfriend 没时间找女朋友

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess. I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that’s cool.”

有一天，一个工程师在穿过一条路的时候，一只青蛙叫他说：“如果你吻我，我就会变成一个美丽的公主。”他弯下腰把青蛙捡起来放进他的口袋里。青蛙又高声叫他说：“如果你吻我，让我变回一个美丽的公主，我会和你待一个星期。”工程师把青蛙从口袋里拿出来，对它笑一笑，又放回他的口袋里。青蛙大叫起来：“如果你吻我，让我变回一个美丽的公主，我会和你待在一起。你让我做什么都行。”工程师又一次把青蛙从口袋里拿出来，对它笑一笑，放回他的口袋里。最后，青蛙问：“这到底是怎么回事？我已经告诉你，我是美丽的公主，我会和你待在一起一个星期，做你让我做的任何事情。你为什么还不吻我？”工程师说：“你瞧，我是一个工程师。我没有时间交女朋友。但是，有一只会说话的青蛙，还是挺酷的。”

428　$1 or $50,000 一美元还是五万美元

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical problems. After serving his company loyally for 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one multi-million dollar machine. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is.” The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill:

One chalk mark $1

Knowing where to put it $49,999

Total $50,000

有一位工程师，他有超乎常人的修理机器的天赋。在为公司忠心工作30年之后，他退休了。几年以后公司又来找他，为的是一台价值几百万美元的机器发生了谁也解决不了的故障。这位工程师勉强接受这个挑战。他花了一整天时间琢磨这台庞然大物。最后，他在一个零件上用粉笔打了一个×记号，并且说：“你们的问题就在这儿。”换了这个零件之后，机器又正常运行了。公司收到了一份账单：

一个粉笔记号　$1

知道在哪里打记号　$49,999

总计　$50,000

429　Gender of Computers 电脑的性别

A Government Minister who had once been a sailor was very aware that ships were referred to in the feminine gender—she, her, etc. He often wondered in what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second group was made up of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender or the masculine gender, and was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The group of men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

一位政府部长，过去当过水手，非常清楚船是用女性来称呼的。他经常想，电脑应该用什么性别来称呼呢？为了回答这个问题，他组织了两组电脑专家，一组由女性组成，另一组由男性组成。要求每一组提出建议，电脑应该用男性来称呼还是用女性来称呼，而且要说出四个理由。由女性组成的小组提出电脑应该用男性来称呼，因为：

1）为了引起他们的注意，你必须刺激他们。

2）他们有很多数据，但是依然没有头绪。

3）他们应该是帮你解决问题，但半数时间他们本身就是问题。

4）一旦你委身一个，你马上就意识到只要再多等一会儿，就会有更好的。

由男性组成的小组提出电脑应该用女性来称呼，因为：

1）除了她们的创造者以外，谁也不懂她们内部的逻辑。

2）她们用来和别的电脑沟通的本机语言是互相不兼容的。

3）即使是最小的错误也放在长期记忆里面，供将来找回。

4）一旦你委身一个，你马上就意识到你一半的收入要花费在她的配件上。

430　Difference 差别

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

机械工程师和土木工程师的差别在哪里？

机械工程师制造武器，土木工程师制造靶子。

431　Programming Contest 编程竞赛

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.” “Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.” Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?” God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”

耶稣和魔鬼撒旦争论谁编程编得好。他们争了几个小时，最后同意进行一次编程竞赛，由上帝做裁判。他们在计算机前安排好，就开始了。他们飞快地敲击键盘，一行一行的代码在屏幕上滚动，一直进行了好几个小时。就在竞赛快要结束前几秒钟，突然一个闪电，停电了。隔了一会儿，电就恢复了。上帝宣布竞赛结束。他让撒旦展示做了些什么。撒旦显然很恼火，大声喊叫说：“我什么也没有。我编的程序停电时全丢了。”上帝说：“很好，那么我们来看看耶稣的结果有没有好一点。”耶稣打了一条命令，屏幕上出现了生动的画面，扬声器里传来了天使合唱的美妙音乐。撒旦惊呆了。他结结巴巴地说：“怎……怎么会呢？我丢了一切，而耶稣却一点没受影响。他是怎么干的呢？”上帝笑着说：“每一个人都知道……耶稣saves。”（save这个字用在计算机上的意思是“存盘”，而用在耶稣身上的意思是“拯救”。）

432　Who designed human body? 谁设计了人体？

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

三个工程学生聚在一起讨论人体是谁设计的。一个学生说：“是机械工程师。只要看看所有的关节就知道了。”另一个学生说：“不对，是电气工程师。神经系统有成千上万个电气连接。”最后一个说：“其实是土木工程师。还有谁会让有毒的废水管道穿过休养区呢？”

433　Free Space 免费空间

Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?” Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”

技术支持人员：“你的硬盘驱动器上有多大空余空间？”顾客：“嗯，我太太喜欢上互联网，她下载了十个小时的免费空间。这够大了吗？”

434　How do you spell that? 你怎么拼？

Customer: “Now what do I do?”

Tech Support: “What is the prompt on the screen?”

Customer: “Enter Your Last Name.”

Tech Support: “Okay, so type in.”

Customer: “How do you spell that?”

顾客：“我接下去做什么？”

技术支持人员：“屏幕上怎么说？”

顾客：“打入你的姓氏。”

技术支持人员：“那你就打吧。”

顾客：“你的姓氏怎么拼？”

435　Too much time on computer 在电脑上花费时间太多

While getting dressed one morning, I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was. I realized I’d been spending too much time on my computer.

一天早上我在穿衣服的时候发现自己想知道时间的时候往梳妆台镜子的右下角看。我才意识到自己在电脑上花费时间太多了。

436　Trust student better 比较相信学生

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students took over. “Your hard drive crashed,” he said. I called the computer services office and explained, “My computer is down. The hard drive crashed.” “We can’t just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that’s the problem?” “A student told me,” I answered. “We’ll send someone over right away.”

在我的高中课堂里的电脑最近开始捣乱。看我在那里搞得焦头烂额，一个学生接了过去。他说：“你的硬盘出问题了。”我就打电话给电脑服务办公室：“我的电脑死机了，是硬盘出问题了。”“我们不能光凭你这么说说就派人过去。你怎么知道是硬盘出问题了？”我回答说：“是一个学生告诉我的。”“那我们马上就派人过去。”

437　Soliciting customers 招揽顾客

On vacation in England, my husband and I went to the village inn for the house specialty—fish ’n chips. In honor of a computer-programmer convention the inn was hosting, the innkeeper rewrote his menu to read: “Fish ’n microchips.” Not to be outdone, the travel agent next door posted advertisements for two tours—one a trip to a honey farm, the other a trip to the coast. He described them each as the “B Drive” and the “C Drive.”

我和我丈夫在英国度假的时候到一家乡村小旅店去吃他们的招牌菜“鱼和土豆片”。小旅店正在主办一个电脑程序员年会。为了表示对这个年会的敬意，旅店的主人把菜单改写成“鱼和微电子芯片”。隔壁的旅行社也不甘落后，贴出两条旅游路线的广告：一条是去养蜂场，另一条是去海滨。他把它们分别称为B驱动器和C驱动器。

438　A Tongue Twister 绕口令

A tech support told our customer, “Yes, sir, you must first upgrade your download software in order to download our upgrade software.”

一个技术支持人员告诉我们的顾客：“先生，你必须先将你的下载软件升级，然后才能下载我们的升级软件。”

439　Worse than I Love You 比我爱你更坏

A co-worker asked me what was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told her that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus. “It’s a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse,” I said. “What could be worse?” my single co-worker asked wryly. “The Let’s Just Be Friends virus?”

一个同事问我为什么她收不到电子邮件。我打电话问了辅助台以后告诉她，电子邮件推迟是因为正在检查一种电脑病毒。我说：“这是‘我爱你’病毒的变种，但是更坏。”这位单身的同事嘲讽地问：“还有什么能比‘我爱你’更坏呢？是‘让我们只是交交朋友’病毒？”

440　Does it get cable? 它能收有线电视吗？

Minivans created a market for rear-seat entertainment. One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play video games, DVDs, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked, “Does it get cable?”

小面包车开辟了一个后排座娱乐设施的市场。有一天，我给一对年轻夫妇展示如何用一个显示屏就可以在车上玩电子游戏、放DVD影片，甚至收本地电视节目。那个丈夫问：“它能收有线电视吗？”

441　Put your mommy on the phone 让你妈接电话

I incurred several problems while assembling my new computer system, so I called the technical support. The man on the phone started to talk in computer jargon, which confused me even more. “Sir,” I politely said, “please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old.” “Okay,” the computer technician replied. “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”

我在自己组装新电脑过程中碰到一些困难，就打电话给技术支持。接电话的人开始用电脑术语对我说话，这使我更加困惑。我很有礼貌地说：“先生，能不能把我当成四岁孩子那样向我解释我应该怎么做？”那个电脑技师说：“孩子，你能不能让你妈接电话？”

442　I am not talking 我没在讲

One of the most difficult tasks as a flight attendant is to enforce rules while keeping customers happy. The electronic equipment that comes on board creates the greatest challenge. I walk the aisle asking passengers to turn off computers, electronic games and cell phones, which can create interference in communications between the pilot and the air traffic control tower. During one landing, a man persistently kept his cell phone at his ear. I confronted him and said, “Sir, you cannot talk on your phone until we reach the gate.” “I am not talking,” he replied. “I’m listening.”

作为一个空中小姐的最困难的任务之一，就是既要按规章办事，又不能得罪旅客。旅客带上飞机的电子设备是最大的挑战。我沿着过道走，要求旅客关掉电脑、电子游戏机和手机。这些设备会干扰驾驶员和控制塔之间的通讯。有一次飞机着陆的时候，一名男子坚持把手机贴在耳朵上。我不得不面对他：“先生，在飞机到达登机门之前你不可以讲电话。”他回答说：“我没有在讲，我只是在听。”

443　UNIX is not eunuchs UNIX不是太监

No doubt about it, the new temp hadn’t a clue about computers. Since part of her job was directing calls to our technical support department, I gave her instructions: “When people call with computer problems, always ask which operating system they’re using—Windows, Macintosh or UNIX.” Later, she handed a technician this phone message. “Call immediately,” she’d written. “Customer has problem with eunuchs.”

很显然我们新来的临时工对电脑一窍不通。由于她的部分工作是把顾客的电话转到技术支持部，我就对她说：“当顾客有电脑的问题时，都要问他们是用哪一种操作系统，是Windows、苹果，还是UNIX。”后来，她递给技师一张便条：“立即回电，顾客的eunuchs（太监）有问题。”

444　The United States of America Online 美利坚合众国在线

My four-year-old son and I spend a lot of time playing school. One of our favorite activities is working on a puzzle map of the United States. As we complete the map, I often quiz him on the names of the different states. One day, I asked him what country he lived in. Proudly he declared, “The United States of America Online.”

我和四岁的儿子经常玩上学的游戏。我们很喜欢的一种活动就是做美国地图的拼图游戏。拼完地图以后我常常会考他各个州的名字。有一天我问他是住在哪一个国家。他自豪地宣布说：“美利坚合众国在线。”

445　How to spell AOL? AOL怎么拼？

While serving in the quality assurance department, I overheard the guy in the next cubicle ask for the customer’s e-mail address. “That’s great,” he said. “Now, if you can tell me how you spell ‘aol’?”

当我在质量保证部服务的时候，听到隔壁小间里的人在电话里问顾客的电子邮件地址时说：“太好了。现在你能不能告诉我AOL怎么拼？”（译者注：AOL是“美国在线”的缩写，几乎人人都知道。）

446　Are you all right? 你没事吧？

I walked by a co-worker and saw him sitting at his desk with his feet propped up, staring straight ahead as if in a trance. When he didn’t stir as I passed, I asked, “Are you all right?” He blinked, smiled and said, “I’m on screensaver.”

我从一个同事身边走过，看见他坐在桌子旁边，两只脚跷得高高的，两眼一动不动盯住前方，好像处于恍惚状态一样，对我从身边走过也无动于衷。我问他：“你没事吧？”他眨眨眼，笑一笑说：“我是处在屏幕保护状态。”

447　The Grapes of Wrath 愤怒的葡萄

As a customer service representative for a book publisher, I frequently received inquiries about the books put out by the company. I’d use my computer to search for the title, which was displayed on the screen with a list of related material for suggested reading. A customer once phoned and asked whether we published A Raisin in the Sun . When my computer concluded its search, under “other suggested reading” was listed The Grapes of Wrath .

我在一家图书出版社当顾客服务代表，经常接到电话，查询有关我们出版的图书的情况。我用电脑搜索书名，就会在屏幕上列出建议阅读的有关材料的清单。有一次顾客打电话来询问我们出版社是不是出版过一本叫做《阳光下的葡萄干》的书。当我的电脑结束搜索的时候，在“建议阅读的其他材料”栏目下面列出的书名有《愤怒的葡萄》。

448　Scroll down 往下卷

My husband works in an Internet business. Computer is his life. He eats and breathes computers. One day, when I was scratching his back, he directed. “No, not there. Scroll down.”

我的丈夫在互联网行业工作。电脑是他的生命。他吃的是电脑，呼吸的也是电脑。有一天，我给他挠背，他给我指示方向说：“不是那里。往下卷。”

449　It’s the only copy I have 我只有一份

The program at the Air Force Institute of Technology was highly competitive and difficult to get into. Applicants were asked to fax over their college transcripts for consideration. One of them told me, “Well, I would, but it’s the only copy that I’ve got.”

空军技术研究所很热门、很难录取。我们要求报名者都把大学的成绩单传真过来，供我们考虑。有一个报名者告诉我说：“嗯，我不能传真给你，因为我只有一份。”

450　Search for love yielded no results 搜寻爱情没有结果

I wrote a paper for an English class, comparing two novels—one about a man seeking a wife, the other about four women looking for true love. While searching the Internet for clip art for my presentation, I typed in “love.” The response: “Your search for love yielded no results.”

我为英语课写了一篇文章，比较两本小说。一本是说一个男人寻觅妻子；另一本是讲四个女人寻找真正的爱情。我到互联网上搜索适合做我的讲演投影的剪贴画。把“爱情”两个字打进电脑，电脑反应：“你搜寻爱情没得到结果。”

451　My computer doesn’t know Internet 我的电脑不认识互联网

I knew it was time to upgrade my computer when I finished spell-checking a document. I had typed in a word I was certain was spelled correctly, but the computer failed to recognize it, offering instead “entrant,” “interned” or “internee” as possible substitutions. The word in my document “Internet.”

当我做完一篇文章的拼写检查，我知道该给电脑升级了。我确定在我的文章里的字没有拼错，但是电脑却不认识它，反而提供几个可能的替代字：“entrant（参加竞赛者）”、“interned（被扣押的）”、“internee（被拘留者）”。而我文章里的字是“Internet（互联网）”。

452　How is Aunt Helen feeling? 海伦姨妈身体好不好？

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular “Ask Jeeves” site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it.” As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”

我和我的五十来岁的朋友南希决定把神奇的互联网介绍给她的妈妈。我们的第一步是让她访问很通俗的“季维万事通”网站。我们告诉她，这个网站可以回答她的任何问题。南希的妈妈开始的时候很不相信。后来，南希说：“妈妈，这是真的。想一个问题问问它。”我则坐在那里，手指迫不及待地要往键盘上打。她的妈妈想了一会儿说：“海伦姨妈身体好不好？”

453　The farmers on the Dell 戴尔电脑上的农场主

Many farmers are reluctant to buy into anything that smacks of technology and the modern-day world. But when a local university created an agricultural web page to answer questions the farmers might have, they were pleasantly surprised to hear that the farming community had nicknamed the new site “The farmers on the Dell.”

农场主通常都不愿意卷入带有技术和现代生活味道的东西。可是当一所当地的大学创建了一个农业网站可以回答农场主的问题的时候，他们惊喜地听说农民们给他们的网站起了一个绰号，叫做“戴尔电脑上的农场主”。

454　What kind of line? 什么样的线？

My boyfriend, Mike, and I met online and we’d been dating for over a year. I introduced Mike to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Mike what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Mike naively replied, “I just used a regular 56K modem.”

我是在网上认识我的男朋友麦克的。至今我们已经交往一年多了。我把麦克介绍给我的叔叔认识。我的叔叔非常稀奇我们会在互联网上结交。他问麦克是用什么样的线把我钓到手的。麦克天真地说：“我只是用普通的56K调制解调器。”

455　Computer Crash 电脑崩溃

Because I don’t have a personal computer, I use one at my local library. One day I urgently needed to research something, so I hastily put on my gloves and helmet, and jumped onto my bike to head over to the library. Dashing into the building, I sat down and started to work. Moments later another library patron approached me. “Excuse me,” he said. “I’ve heard of computers crashing, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen anyone wearing a helmet.”

因为我没有个人电脑，我就用附近图书馆里的电脑。一天我急需查找一些资料，于是我急急忙忙戴上手套和头盔，骑上自行车就往图书馆跑。冲进图书馆，我一坐下来就开始工作。隔了一会儿，另一个图书馆的老主顾朝我走来，说：“我听说电脑会崩溃。但是戴着头盔上机的人还是头一次看见。”

456　A man or a mouse? 人还是老鼠？

Meeting with my auto-insurance agent, I confessed that I’d been comparing rates on the Internet and had gotten a quote that was 30 percent less than his. “Tell me,” he responded, “when you have an emergency, who do you want to deal with, a man or a mouse?”

和我的汽车保险代理见面的时候，我坦白承认已经在互联网上比了价，而且拿到一个报价比他的报价便宜30%。他回答说：“告诉我，当你有紧急情况的时候，是愿意和人打交道还是愿意和老鼠（鼠标）打交道？”

457　This is not the Internet 这里可不是互联网

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds.” While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me. “Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”

我身高五尺三寸，胖得很可爱。在发生一点小事故之后，我妈送我到急诊室去。预检护士问我身高体重，我随口说：“五尺八寸，125磅”。当护士正在琢磨这些数字的时候，我妈凑近我，小声指责我说：“孩子，这里可不是互联网”。

458　Time travel is not permitted 时间旅行未批准

I was planning a business trip and was looking at airline schedules on the Internet. As I checked different combinations of flights, I mistakenly keyed in a return time that was before the departure time, only to see this message appear on the computer screen: “Sorry, time travel is not permitted.”

我正在计划一次出差，在互联网上看航班时刻表。当我在比较各种航班的组合的时候，错误地输入了一个返程时间，比出发时间还早。就在这时候，电脑屏幕上出现这样的信息：“对不起，时间旅行未批准。”

459　Not a good reason 说错原因

My friend and I meet each week on line and type for hours. One night I had a high fever and felt too sick to chat, so I dashed off a brief note cancel-ing our cyber-plans. My friend seemed upset when I phoned her a few days later. “If you don’t want to go on the Net with me,” she said, “just say so.” Perplexed, I retrieved the e-mail I’d sent her. It read, “I won’t be able to talk to you on the computer tonight. I have laryngitis.”

我和我的朋友每个星期都在网上见面，一聊就是几个小时。有一天晚上，我发高烧，不能和她聊天，就发给她一个便条，取消了我们的网上约会。过了几天，我打电话给她。她似乎有点不高兴。她说：“你如果不愿意继续和我在网上聊天，就明说好了。”我被她说得莫名其妙，就把我发给她的那个电子邮件找出来看。我写的是：“我得了喉炎，今天晚上不能和你在网上聊天了。”

460　I caught two 我抓到两条

I overheard my husband telling our son about a fishing game he downloaded off the Internet: “I played it for only a few minutes and caught two!” “But you should have seen the one that got away,” our son continued enthusiastically. “It was at least two megabytes!”

我听见我丈夫告诉儿子他从互联网上下载的一个钓鱼游戏：“我只玩了几分钟就抓到两条鱼。”我儿子热衷地说：“但是你该看到那条游走的。它至少有两兆字节。”

461　Save the sunset 把日落存盘

I realized the impact of computers on young children. One evening there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, my son said, “I wish I could click and save that!”

我意识到电脑对小孩子的影响。一天黄昏，我们看到一个令人激动的日落。我的儿子指着西边的天空说：“但愿我能点击一下，把它存盘。”

462　British-made 英国造

Restoring British cars is one of my hobbies, so I often visit Internet chat groups on the subject, where members exchange tips and share humor. Someone posted this joke: Q: Why are there so few British-made computers? A: It’s almost impossible to get them to leak oil.

我的爱好之一是修复英国汽车，所以我经常到互联网上有关的聊天室，和其他成员交换心得、分享幽默。有人贴出这样一个笑话：问：“为什么英国制造的电脑这么少？”答：“因为几乎不可能让它们漏油。”

463　The Best Troubleshoot 排除故障最佳方法

My husband, a computer expert, often troubleshoots for people like me who are still struggling to learn basic computer functions. One day I called him at work when I had a minor disaster. As I listened with pencil poised, ready to record his instructions, he said, “Okay, here’s what you need to do. Go downstairs, put the tea kettle on, and don’t touch the computer again until I come home.”

我的丈夫是一个电脑行家。他经常帮助像我这样正在学习电脑基本常识的人排除故障。有一天，我碰到一点小灾难，就打电话到他上班的地方。我听着电话，拿着铅笔，准备记录他的指令。他说：“好，现在你要做的是到楼下去，把茶水煮上。在我回家以前再不要碰电脑。”

464　She’s just swearing at her computer 她只是在诅咒她的电脑

One day I visited the computer lab in the School for the Deaf, and noticed a hearing-impaired student signing away animatedly—but, it seemed, to no one in particular. I asked the interpreter if the student was okay. “Oh, she’s fine,” said the interpreter. “She’s just swearing at her computer.”

有一天，我去参观聋哑学校的电脑机房，看到一个听力受损的学生正在活跃地打手势，但是看起来不像是针对哪一个人。我问懂哑语的人这个学生有没有问题。他说：“她没事。她只是在诅咒她的电脑。”

465　Roman Numerals 罗马数字

One of my college friends asked us for advice on organizing his report. “Why don’t you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?” one suggested. “I already thought of that,” he replied. “But my keyboard doesn’t have Roman numerals on it.”

我在大学的一个朋友征求我们的意见如何组织他的报告。有一个人建议说：“你可以用罗马数字来做每一部分的头。”他说：“我已经想过这么做，但是我的键盘上没有罗马数字。”

466　Between the keyboard and the chair 在键盘和椅子之间

After being on the phone forever with a customer who had been having difficulties with a computer program, a support technician turned in his report: “The problem resides between the keyboard and the chair.”

一个顾客对一个电脑程序有疑问。他和我们的技术支持技师在电话里没完没了地讨论。过后，这个技师在交上来的报告中说：“问题是出在键盘和椅子之间。”

467　Contacting us by phone 用电话和我们联络

Cell service in our area was so rotten we told our service provider to cancel our contract. About a week later, we received a letter saying they wanted to continue the relationship. The reason that they were writing? They had been unsuccessful in contacting us by phone.

在我们这个地区手机信号很差，所以我们通知手机服务公司取消我们的合约。大约一星期以后，我们收到一封来信，说他们希望继续和我们保持关系。他们之所以写信的原因是他们无法用电话和我们联络。

468　A Good Student 一个好学生

An office manager in my software training class, taking nothing for granted, jotted down every word I said. I peeked over his shoulder and read what he’d written: “New Computer Training—password is first name. Mine is Mike.”

在我的电脑软件培训课上，一个办公室主管对什么都注意，一字不漏地记下我所说的话。我从他身后偷看他记的笔记：“新电脑培训：口令是名字。我的名字是麦克。”

469　Updated daily 每天更新

Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs. When the company I work for was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company’s website with the following words underneath: “Updated daily.”

每当公司合并的时候，员工们就担心裁员。当我工作的公司被买走以后，我也不例外。我的担心是有道理的：新合并的公司的网页上刊登了新合并的员工照片，下面有一行字：“每天更新”。

470　Flush Right 冲洗正确

Driving on the interstate, I saw a vehicle with the license plate ALT F7. I checked my computer at home, and as I suspected, it was a WordPerfect command. The truck had to belong to a plumber. Who else would choose the command “Flush Right”?

在州际高速公路上开车，看到前面一辆车的牌照上写着ALT F7。回家以后，我查了一下我的电脑，正如所料，这是WordPerfect软件的一条命令。这辆卡车肯定是属于一个管子工的。还会有谁需要Flush Right（冲洗正确）？

471　Under construction 正在施工中

Surfing around on the Internet, I came across the website for Tinkertoys. But what appeared on the screen was a banner reading: “Sorry. Website currently under construction.”

我在互联网上浏览的时候进了Tinkertoys的网页。不过，屏幕上只有一句话：“对不起，本网页正在施工中。”（注：这是一家专门生产施工玩具的公司）

IX.　警察笑话

472　Grand Slam 大满贯

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked. The man responded, “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.” At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, “Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.” This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.” At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked “Are we over the border yet?”

一个警察让一个司机停在路边并且告诉他，由于他系了安全带，赢得了5000美元的安全竞赛奖。警察问：“你准备怎么花这5000美元奖金呢？”那个男子说：“我想我得去上驾驶学校，然后考执照。”这时候，坐在他旁边的妻子插话说：“警官，别信他。他喝醉的时候就自作聪明。”这吵醒了坐在后排座位上的人。他看见警察就激动地说：“我早知道开这偷来的车跑不远。”就在这时，有人敲后面行李厢盖问：“我们过边境线了吗？”

473　The Designated Decoy 被指定的诱饵

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

一天晚上，一个警察正在秘密监视一家特别吵闹的酒吧，准备抓酒后驾车的人。在酒店打烊的时候，他看见一个人踉踉跄跄地走出酒吧，在马路沿上走，用钥匙试了五辆车才找到自己的车。然后他坐在前座上瞎摸乱找了好几分钟。每一个人都离开了酒吧，开车走了。最后，他发动了引擎，启动了。警察正等着呢！他让司机下车，向他宣读了他的公民权利，让他做呼气分析测试。测试结果显示为零。困惑的警察要求知道是怎么一回事。司机回答说：“今天晚上我是被指定的诱饵。”

474　Incriminating Evidences 犯罪证据

I’m a state trooper in Alaska, and I’ve been called to investigate many cases of moose poaching. Some we solved because of the carelessness of the criminals who have left behind incriminating evidence such as a boot print or, in one memorable case, a wallet complete with the poacher’s driver’s license. But one culprit, we thought, left no clues at all—until we saw the clear imprint of his license plate when he backed his vehicle up against a snowbank.

我是阿拉斯加的州警察，经常被差遣去调查驼鹿偷猎案件。我们侦破某些案件是因为罪犯的粗心，留下一些犯罪证据，比如靴子的印等。在一个记忆犹新的案件里，罪犯遗落了整个钱包，包括他的驾驶执照。但是有一个罪犯，起初我们一点线索也没有，直到我们看见他在倒车的时候撞到一堵雪墙，把他的车牌照清清楚楚地印在雪墙上。

475　If you hurry you can still make it 如果你赶紧，还能赶得上

I was late for work when the red lights flashed behind me. Knowing I was busted, I pulled over and waited with license and registration in hand. As the trooper wrote out the ticket, he asked me where I was headed. “I’m late for an important 7:30 meeting,” I said. The officer checked his watch. “If you hurry,” he remarked, “you can still make it.”

我上班要迟到了，后面还跟来了闪着的红灯。我知道完了，就停到路边，手里拿着驾驶执照和注册证明等着。警察开完罚单，问我往哪里去。我说：“我7点30分有一个重要的会议，来不及了。”警察看了看手表说：“如果你赶紧，还能赶得上。”

476　Only when he’s DRUNK 他只是在喝醉的时候才这样

A man is driving with his wife, when he is pulled over by a policeman. “Sir,” says the cop. “You, were going 60 in a 50.” “No, I wasn’t.” “Yes, you were,” says the wife. “Keep quiet!” says the man, angrily. “And you weren’t wearing a seatbelt,” says the cop. “Yes, I was.” “No, you weren’t,” says the wife. “SHUT UP!” says the man, really angry. “Ma’am,” asks the cop, “is he always rude and violent?” “Only when he’s DRUNK.”

一个男人开车带着他的老婆。一个警察让他停在路边，说：“先生，你在限速50的路上开60。”“我没有。”他老婆说：“你是开那么快。”男人生气地说：“闭嘴！”警察说：“你还没有系安全带。”“我系了。”他老婆说：“你是没有系。”男人非常生气地说：“闭嘴！”警察问：“夫人，他一直是那么粗鲁和野蛮吗？”“他只是在喝醉的时候才这样。”

477　I’m the groom 我就是新郎

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding. “But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.” “Just be quiet!!!” snapped the officer. “Or I’m going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.” “But officer, I just wanted to say…” “And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you’re going to jail!” A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets here.” “Don’t count on it,” said the prisoner. “I’m the groom.”

一个小镇的警察抓了一个开快车的司机。那个男子说：“不过警官，我可以解释。”警察打断他说：“住嘴！否则我让你到监狱里去冷静冷静直到我的头儿回来。”“不过警官，我只是想说……”“我说了住嘴！现在你得到监狱里去！”几个小时以后，这个警察核查到囚犯，并且对他说：“你很幸运。头儿在参加他女儿的婚礼。他回来的时候一定有好心情。”那个囚犯说：“别指望了。我就是新郎。”

478　Veterinarian’s Office 兽医诊所

One night, I was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where I discovered the back door of a building ajar. I let the dog out of my patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. I was puzzled until I noticed the sign on the building: “Veterinarian’s Office.”

一天晚上，我被差遣到一个可能的盗窃现场。在那里我看见一座房子的后门半开着。我让我的狗从警车上下来，命令它进去探索。那条狗从后座上跳下来，直奔那座房子。冲过门廊以后，它突然愣住了，退了回来。我困惑，直到我看见房子上的标志：“兽医诊所”。

479　Too late to know 为时已晚

Complaining of blurred vision, an inmate was brought into the prison clinic. The optometrist fit the prisoner with his new pair of glasses. “How’s that?” he asked. “I’ll put it to you this way,” said the prisoner. “If I’d had these before I got arrested, I’d have seen that those uniformed men chasing me weren’t mailmen.”

一个囚犯抱怨说他看东西模糊，就被带到监狱的诊所就医。眼科医生给他配了一副新眼镜，问道：“这副怎么样？”囚犯说：“我跟你这么说吧。要是在我被抓住以前就带这副眼镜，我就不会以为追我的那些穿制服的人是邮差了。”

480　What is the total cost? 总共是多少钱？

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained. The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 MPH over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?” I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, I’d say zero.” He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”

赶着上班，车开得太快，结果被高速公路巡警抓住了。警察注意到我的T恤衫上印有本地一所高中的名字。我解释说：“我在那里教数学。”警察笑了笑说：“给你做一道题。有一位老师在高速公路上以超过限速每小时12英里的速度行驶。每英里罚款12美元，加上法庭收费40美元，再加上增加的保险费，总共是多少钱？”我回答说：“拿这个总数减去我的低工资，乘以憎恶数学的学生人数，我说等于零。”他把我的驾驶执照还给我，说：“我从来不喜欢数学。请你开慢一点。”

481　No jokes, please 不可开玩笑

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $140 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture… of handcuffs.

一个驾车人在经过一个雷达自动测速区的时候超速行驶被拍了照片，他自己还不知道。后来他在邮件里收到一张140美元的罚单和他汽车的照片。但是，他没有给警察局寄去罚款，而是寄去一张照有140美元的照片。几天以后，他收到警察局的回信，里面有一张照片，照的是一副手铐。

482　The war is still not over 南北战争还没有结束

There was a historical marker in West Virginia commemorating the Civil War. One day when an oncoming bus was taking too wide a turn, I swerved my car out of the way, accidentally clipped the sign and broke it. I called the state police to report the damage. The trooper asked, “Who won that battle?” “The Union,” I replied. “Well, don’t worry about it,” he said, and hung up. Apparently the war is still not over.

在西弗吉尼亚有一个历史性的标志纪念美国南北战争。有一天,迎面开来的大客车拐弯太大,我急忙躲避的时候撞到这个标志，把它撞断了。我打电话给州警察局，报告这个事故。警察问我：“那场战争谁赢了？”我回答说：“联军赢了。”“好，那就不用担心了。”说完就挂了。看来，南北战争还没有结束。

483　A Good Explanation 警察的解释

Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car. Seeing my astonished expression, one cop said, “When they say the movie is due by noon the next day, they mean it.”

我无意识地直接闯进附近录像出租店里的警察抓捕行动。当一个青年男子走出门来的时候，一群警察突然猛扑上去，铐上他，把他推进一辆警察巡逻车。看到我那惊呆的表情，一个警察说：“当他们说这部电影明天中午要还的时候，他们说话算话。”

484　A Bad Day for the Couple 夫妻双双被抓

Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for going 43 in a 35 MPH zone. “What’ll I tell my husband?” I worried, explaining to the police officer that he was a self-described “perfect” driver. The cop took a second look at the name and address on my license. “Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?” he asked. Baffled, I answered, “Yes.” “I stopped him for going 47.”

急着去参加桥牌锦标赛，我在限速每小时35英里的区段开43，被警察抓到。我担心该怎么向我的丈夫交代。我向警察解释说，我丈夫自称他是“完美的”司机。警察又看了一下我驾驶执照上的姓名和地址，问：“你丈夫今天早上是不是去打野鸭子？”我困惑地说：“是。”“他开47被我抓到了。”

485　Muscles in the Mirror 镜子里的肌肉

There is a full-length mirror in my police station’s weight room, where some officers spend hours flexing their muscles. One day a prankster posted this sign: “Caution: Objects in this mirror may be smaller than they appear.”

在我们警察局有一些警察花费很多时间在举重室里练肌肉。在举重室里有一面能照全身的镜子。有一天，一个开玩笑的人在上面贴了一张条子：“小心：在这镜子里的物体可能比看到的要小”。

486　Drive while on the phone 开车打电话

While on the freeway, the driver in front of me was on the phone and drifting all over the road. This did not escape the attention of a Highway patrol officer, who snuck up behind her and said over his loudspeaker, “If you can’t stay in your lane while on the phone, pull over until the call is completed.” Immediately five cars pulled over.

在高速公路上，我前面那辆车的司机在打电话，她的车在路上扭来扭去。这没能逃过高速公路巡警的眼睛。他悄悄地跟在她的车后，用喇叭喊话：“你在打电话的时候如果不能开在车道里，那么就停下来，打完电话再开。”马上有五辆车停了下来。（注：在美国的大部分地区开车打电话是合法的。）

487　My inspection expired 我的检查证过期了

Early one Saturday morning, the flashing lights of a police car appeared in my rearview mirror. After checking my license and registration, the officer asked, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” “No,” I responded. “One of your tail lights is out,” he said. “I’m going to have to issue a warning.” “Whew,” I said, without thinking. “I thought it was because my inspection had expired.”

星期六一大早警车闪光的灯出现在我的后视镜里。警察检查了我的驾驶执照和注册证明以后对我说：“你知道我为什么让你停下来吗？”我说：“不知道。”他说：“你的一个后车灯坏了。我要给你发一个警告。”我不假思索地说：“我以为是因为我的检查证过期了。”

488　I wasn’t 我还没有过去

I’m a police officer, and was training a new recruit when we were assigned to transport a prisoner to headquarters. The guy was verbally abusive, and my recruit seemed to be getting upset as he drove the squad car into an intersection and then quickly changed lanes. Another car almost hit us, so after a screech of brakes I shouted, “Don’t you know that it’s illegal to change lanes in the middle of an intersection?” “I was already through the intersection, sir,” the recruit replied. “Maybe,” came a shaky voice from the back seat. “But I wasn’t!”

我是一个警察，正在带一个新徒弟。我们被指派转运一个囚犯到总部去。那个家伙嘴里骂骂咧咧的，我的徒弟似乎有点生气了。当他开着警车到十字路口的时候，突然换车道，另外一辆车差一点撞到我们。刹车的尖叫声过后，我大喊道：“你不知道在十字路口换车道是违法的吗？”徒弟回答说：“长官，我已经过了十字路口了。”这时候，从后排座上传来发抖的声音：“也许你过了十字路口。不过我还没有过去。”

489　Better Speakers 好一点的讲员

As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks to organizations on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars. “Giving these presentations is part of my job,” I said. “Could I donate the money to one of your courses?” “That would be wonderful,” she gushed. “We have just the program that could use it. We’re trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers.”

作为交通安全顾问我经常给各种组织讲如何预防交通事故。一天晚上，我给家长教师协会讲完话，主持人着实地感谢了我一番，并且给了我一张50美元的支票。我说：“做这样的讲演是我工作的一部分。我能不能把这笔钱捐给你们的课程？”她高兴地说：“那太好了。我们正好有一个计划可以用这笔钱。我们正在筹集资金，这样就可以请好一点的讲员。”

490　How long have you been waiting? 你在这里等多久了？

While leading tours through the historic district, our guide dressed in Colonial clothing tripped and fell, breaking his wrist. He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at him in his 18th century garb, the policeman asked, “Just how long have you been waiting?”

我们的穿着英属殖民地时代服装的导游，在带队参观历史保护区的时候绊倒了，摔断了手腕。他去了医院。当他等在急诊室里的时候，一个警察从旁边走过。这个警察打量了一番他的18世纪的装束，问道：“你在这里等多久了？”

491　Is it on fire? 着火了吗？

I was playing golf with our town’s fire chief when I hit a ball into the rough. As I headed for the brush to find my ball, the chief warned, “Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out.” He explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes. “You’ve got to be kidding,” I replied in astonishment. “People actually call you to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?” “Well,” said the chief, “the first thing I ask is, ‘Is it on fire?’”

我和我们小镇的消防队长一起打高尔夫球。我把球打到乱草丛里，就跑去找球。他警告我说：“小心，响尾蛇出洞了。”他解释说这个星期一直有电话进来，要求把响尾蛇抓走。我惊讶地回答说：“你肯定在开玩笑。人们真会让你帮忙抓走响尾蛇？那你怎么对他们说？”队长说：“嗯，我先问他们：‘着火了吗？’”

492　The First Time 头一回

I was driving to the hospital for treatment of my painful leg, I decided to use the valet parking service so I wouldn’t have to walk far. Staring at my vehicle, one of the valets asked me if I was driving a government car. “Why, yes,” I replied. “In fact it’s an unmarked police car.” “Wow!” the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. “This will be the first time I’ve been in the front seat.”

我到医院去治我的腿疼。我决定让服务员替我停车，这样我可以少走一些路。一个服务员盯着我的车看了看，问我开的是不是政府的车。我回答说：“是。事实上这是一辆没有标记的警车。”这个年轻人一边溜进驾驶座，一边说：“啊，这是我头一回坐在前排。”

493　A Tricky Mockingbird 淘气的嘲鸫鸟

I drive a motor home as our office on wheels while we conduct truck inspections. When the motor home is in reverse, it makes a repetitive beeping noise. One quiet morning I backed the unit out of its carport and stopped alongside my regular patrol car to retrieve something. As I walked toward the car, I heard the familiar beeping sound. My heart stopped as I turned, expecting to see the $80,000 vehicle backing itself down the driveway. To my relief, the motor home was not moving. But at the top of a nearby tree sat a mockingbird perfectly mimicking the beep.

我开一辆活动房车作为我们检查卡车的活动办公室。这辆活动房车在倒车的时候会发出“嘀嘀嘀”的叫声。在一个宁静的早晨，我把它从停车棚里倒出来，停在我的正常巡逻用的警车旁边。正当我朝警车走过去拿东西的时候，听到熟悉的“嘀嘀嘀”的叫声。我的心跳都停止了，以为价值八万美金的活动房车一定是自己在后退。我转过头来，出乎意料的是车并没有移动。而在附近的一棵树的顶上有一只嘲鸫鸟，正在惟妙惟肖地模仿着“嘀嘀嘀”的叫声。

494　I just stopped for the red light 我只是等红灯

I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance. “No, I don’t need any help,” he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, “I just stopped for the red light.”

我刚让一个酒后驾车的人停在路边，另一辆车停在了我们的后面。我放下正在做的事情，冒险去看看那个司机是不是需要什么帮助。那个人指着我的巡逻车顶上的闪光的红色，满嘴喷着酒气说：“不，我不需要什么帮助。我只是等红灯。”

495　The Truth 真话

Traveling salesmen make their living visiting as many customers as possible. So speeding to get from one appointment to the next is not unheard of， which is how I got pulled over by a highway patrolman. “Don’t you ever look at the speedometer?” the officer scolded. Before I knew it, the truth spilled from my mouth. “As fast as I was going,” I admitted, “I was afraid to take my eyes off the road.”

上门的销售人员就是靠访问尽可能多的客户来谋生，因此在两次约会之间开快车也是家常便饭。我就是这样被高速公路巡警抓到的。警察责备说：“你是不是从来都不看速度表？”我不由自主地吐出了真话：“像我开得那么快，我都不敢让眼睛离开路面。”

496　No exceptions 没有例外

My pager beeped, summoning me to the hospital. As I raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind me—lights flashing, siren blaring. So I hung my stethoscope out the window to signal that I was on an emergency call. Within seconds came the policeman’s response: a pair of handcuffs flapping outside the police car window.

我的传呼机响了，呼唤我到医院去。我正急着往医院赶的时候，一辆警车加快速度追了上来，闪着灯，拉着警笛。我把听诊器从窗口伸出去，表示我是赶着去赴急诊。几秒钟之后，警察的回应过来了：一副手铐从警车的窗口伸出来。

497　A Speed Trap 测速陷阱

The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. “Is that yours?” asked the officer, pointing to a van that was jutting out into the narrow street. “Uh, yes, it is,” I said. “Would you mind moving it?” asked the officer. “We’ve set up a speed trap and the van’s causing everyone to slow down.”

一大早警察来敲门，指着停在在很窄的马路上的面包车问：“这是你的吗？”我说：“嗯，是的。”警察问：“能不能麻烦你把车动一下。我们在这里设置了一个测速陷阱，但是你的车使每一辆车都慢下来了。”

498　A Driving Test 路考

At the DMV I took a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us—sirens wailing, lights flashing. “Was I speeding?” she asked the officer after her car pulled over. “No,” said the officer. “But you are driving a stolen vehicle.” Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. “Does this mean I failed my test?”

在机动车管理署我带一个妇女出去路考，一辆警车跟上了我们，拉着警笛，闪着灯。她把车停在路边，问警察：“我开太快了吗？”警察说：“没有。但是你开的是一辆被盗的车。”那个女子尴尬地笑着问我：“这是不是意味着我的路考失败了？”

499　A 14-year-old male 一名14岁男孩

Our community still has teenage curfew laws. One night I was listening to my scanner when the police dispatcher said, “We have a report of a 14-year-old male out after curfew. The subject, wearing jeans and a gray sweatshirt, is six-foot-four and weighs 265 pounds.” After a long pause, one of the patrols replied, “As far as I’m concerned, he can go anywhere he wants.”

我们社区依然有对十几岁少年宵禁的法律。一天晚上我在听扫描检测装置的时候，听到警察调度说：“我们接到报告说有一名14岁男孩在宵禁以后外出。该主体穿牛仔裤和灰色长袖运动衫，身高六尺四寸，体重265磅。”隔了好长的停顿，一个巡警回答说：“依我看，他愿意上哪儿都行。”

500　That’s the part of me he’ll see 那就是他所能看见的部分

My wife is on staff at the Department of Motor Vehicles, and one day a close friend of hers came in to apply for a driver’s license. While entering the information into a computer, my wife noticed the woman had given 150 pounds as her weight. Knowing she weighed considerably more, my wife commented, “You’re putting down your weight as 150?” “If a policeman pulls me over,” her friend said with a grin, “that’s the part of me he’ll see.”

我太太在机动车管理署工作。有一天她的好朋友来申请驾驶执照。在往电脑里输入数据的时候，我太太注意到那个女人把体重填为150磅。我太太知道她的体重远不止那些，就说：“你把体重填为150磅？”她的朋友咧嘴笑着说：“如果警察叫我停车，那就是他所能看见的部分。”

501　Cab for Inmates 囚犯叫的出租车

While working at a maximum-security prison, I was assigned to the guest area one day to monitor the inmates and their visitors. I received a call from the reception desk, and was told there was a cab out front, probably waiting for one of the visitors. Sticking my head into the room, I announced, “Did anyone call for a cab?” About 40 inmates immediately raised their hands.

我在一座具有最高安全设施的监狱工作。有一天被指派到接待区去监控囚犯和他们的访客。我接到一个从前台打来的电话，说有一辆出租车在前面，可能是等哪一个访客。我把头伸进屋子问：“有人叫了出租车没有？”马上有大约40个囚犯举起了手。

502　A Psychic Suspect 通灵的嫌疑犯

We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing person case. “She gave them eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body,” the instructor said. “In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now, what would you call this type of person?” While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff’s officer taking the class raised his hand and replied, “A suspect.”

我们在听比较宗教学有关通灵现象的讲座。我们的老师告诉我们一个女人协助警察调查一宗失踪案的故事。老师说：“她给了他们离奇详细的指令，到哪里去找那个尸体。事实上，侦探们确实像她所描述的那样找到了尸体。那么，你们把这一类人称为什么呢？”当我们都在想这个问题的时候，我们班上一个从县警察局来的警察举手回答说：“嫌疑犯。”

503　Slow down or stop 慢下来还是停下来

A policeman pulled over a driver for rolling through a stop sign. The driver argued that she’d slowed down, and that slowing down was the same as stopping. The cop disagreed. “If I started hitting you over the head with this flashlight,” he said, “would you want me to slow down or stop?”

一个警察让一个没能在“停”指示牌前停车的司机靠到路边。那个司机争辩说她已经慢下来了，而慢下来和停下来是一样的。警察不同意。他说：“如果我开始用这个手电筒往你的头上打，你是希望我慢下来还是停下来呢？”

504　Teaching English to prison inmates 给监狱的囚犯们教英语

I was assigned a new post teaching English to prison inmates. Not knowing the level of education the prisoners had, I began my first class by asking a basic question: “Who can tell me what a sentence is?”

我被指派一个新的职位，给监狱的囚犯们教英语。因为不知道囚犯们有何种教育程度，我的第一堂课是从问一个基本的问题开始的：“谁能告诉我什么是一个句子？”

505　Don’t you give out warnings? 你们不给警告吗？

I stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After I handed her a ticket, she asked, “Don’t you give out warnings?” “Yes, ma’am,” I replied. “They’re all up and down the road. They say, ‘Speed Limit 55.’”

我让一个超过限速15英里的女人停下来。在给了她罚单以后，这个女人问：“你们不给警告吗？”我回答说：“是的，夫人。沿路到处都是警告，它们写着‘限速55’。”

506　Radio Phonetic Alphabet 无线电语音字母

While working as a television-news cameraman, I arrived at an accident scene. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. “Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived,” he said. I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, “You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima.”

我是电视新闻摄影记者，来到一个事故现场。我在停新闻巡航车的时候，听见监测车上的警察使用无线电语音字母警告其他警察说：“小心，MEDIA（新闻记者）来了。我走到那个警察面前，看着他的眼睛说：“你可能会大吃一惊，怎么我们MEDIA的人也会SPELL（拼写）。”

X.　军队笑话

507　I’ll get the new lieutenant 我让新来的副官来干

Serving in Afghanistan is very stressful. So I built a horseshoe pit to help ease the tension. When our sergeant came by to play, everything was in place except for one thing. “Aren’t you going to put in the stakes?” he asked. “Nope,” I answered. “Fine, I’ll do it myself.” “Okay,” I said. “But remember, this is one of the most heavily land-mined countries in the world.” “You’re right!” he said, gingerly stepping out of the pit. “I’ll get the new lieutenant.”

在阿富汗服役压力很大，因此我挖了一个做马蹄铁游戏的坑来松弛一下。我们的军士长过来玩的时候，万事俱备，只差一条。他问我：“你不准备打上几个桩子吗？”我说：“不打了。”“行，那我自己来打。”我说：“好，不过要知道这是世界上地雷最密集的国家之一。”他一边小心翼翼地从坑里出来，一边说：“你说得对。我让新来的副官来干。”

508　Do you have change for a dollar? 你能不能换一块钱硬币？

The lieutenant wanted to use a pay phone but didn’t have change for a dollar. He saw a private mopping the floors and asked him, “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?” “I sure have, buddy,” the private answered. Giving him a mean stare, the lieutenant said, “That’s no way to address an officer. Let’s try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?” “No, sir,” the private replied.

一个中尉要用投币电话，但是没有零钱。他看见一个二等兵在擦地板，就问：“当兵的，你能不能换一块钱硬币？”二等兵回答说：“哥们儿，当然有啦。”中尉很不客气地盯住他看，说：“这可不是对长官说话的方式，我们重新来过。二等兵，你能不能换一块钱硬币？”二等兵回答说：“报告长官，没有。”

509　Get the enemy to eat here 让敌人到这里来吃

A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess hall read: “Don’t Waste Food—Food Will Win the War.” Beneath these words someone had scrawled: “That’s fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat here?”

在军人食堂的墙上贴了一条标语：“不要浪费食物，食物将赢得战争。”在这几个字的下面有人涂写：“行，但是怎么能让敌人到这里来吃呢？”

510　Yes, sir 是，长官

A superb technician in the base has a problem taking orders. One day I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me. “Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid,” I told him, “just say, ‘Yes, sir.’ But in your mind, think, ‘You’re an idiot!’ Will this work for you?” He smiled at me and replied, “Yes, sir!”

基地里的一位超级技师不大服从命令。有一天，我把他叫到一边，建议他试一试对于我行之有效的方法。我告诉他：“不论什么时候一位军官给你一个你认为是愚蠢的指示，就说‘是，长官’，但是心里想‘你是白痴’。你觉得这样行不行？”他对我笑一笑说：“是，长官。”

511　Anticipate a ride in the jeep 指望坐上吉普车

One month into Marine Corps training we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a large radio in the back. “Who knows anything about radios?” our drill instructor asked. Several hands went up, and anticipating a ride in the jeep, recruits began listing their credentials. Everything from a degree in communications to a part-time job in a repair shop was declared. The DI listened to all the contenders, then pointed to the most qualified. “You,” he barked. “Carry the radio.”

参加海军陆战队特种部队训练已经一个月。我们正准备在华氏一百度的气温下进行十英里行军。一辆吉普车开上来，后面装着一台好大的无线电台。我们的训练指挥问：“谁懂一点无线电？”指望能够坐上吉普车，好几只手举起来，新兵们开始列举他们的资格，从通讯学位到业余时间在修理铺工作，都报出来了。训练指挥倾听了所有的资格，然后指着最有资格的人大吼一声：“你！把无线电台背上。”

512　The colonel is on his way 上校过来了

During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft, where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed me his computer screen. “That’s a chat screen, sir,” he said. “We use it to relay enemy information to the crew.” Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman’s screen several feet away was the warning: “Heads up—the colonel is on his way!”

第二次海湾战争期间，我是空军上校。我按惯例在各种飞机上飞行，以便熟悉它们的性能。有一天，我上了一架侦察机。飞机上每一个人身边都是一大堆复杂的设备。一个年轻的少校让我看他的电脑屏幕说：“长官，那是一个聊天屏幕。我们用它来转送敌人的信息给机上人员。”我一边点头一边往前走，看见在离我几尺远的机上人员的屏幕上闪烁着一条警告：“注意！上校过来了。”

513　I can’t tell you 我不能告诉你

While in the Coast Guard station, I got a call from the Navy. They had lost contact with one of their planes, and they needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft to go find it. I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search. “I can’t tell you,” the Navy man said. “That’s classified.”

我在海岸卫队值班的时候接到海军的电话。他们和一架飞机失去联系，需要海岸卫队派一架飞机去寻找它。我问他海军飞机在失去联系前的最后位置，这样我们可以知道到哪里去搜索。那个人说：“我不能告诉你。这是机密。”

514　The Buddy System 互助系统

I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii. He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive. They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters. Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, “What do you do when you see a shark?” Said my son, “Swim faster than my buddy.”

我和驻军在夏威夷的儿子通电话。他正在解释他们部队怎样学习用自携式呼吸器潜水。他说，他们采用互助系统，偶尔也到有鲨鱼出没的海域去潜水。这时候，用分机听着的女儿插话问：“那你要是看到鲨鱼来怎么办？”我儿子说：“比我的同伴游得快一点。”

515　Earth 地球

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites. “Excuse me,” I said. “Can you tell me where we are?” In a thick English accent, the woman replied, “Earth.”

英国的夜晚是漆黑的，使得跳伞既困难又危险。因此，我们在每个人的伞具上绑一个小小的化学灯，使我们能互相看得见。一天深夜，我们在演习跳伞之后迷了路，就去敲一家农舍的门。一个妇人来应门，看到五个点缀着闪光化学灯的人。我说：“对不起，你能不能告诉我这是什么地方？”妇人用浓厚的英国口音说：“地球。”

516　Please use other doors 此门不通

I was proud and excited on my first day of Air Force pilot training as I walked toward the instruction facility. From a distance I could see large letters looming over the entrance: “Through these doors pass the best pilots in the world.” My pride was quickly deflated, however, as I reached the threshold and read the small, scribbled cardboard sign that had been taped to the glass by a maintenance worker. It said, “Please use other doors.”

参加空军飞行员训练的第一天，我向教学大楼走去，心里又自豪又兴奋。距离大门很远就可以看到上面赫然写着的大字：“世界上最优秀的飞行员从这里出来”。但是，当我走到门槛那里，看到维修工人贴在玻璃上面的硬纸板，我的自豪很快就消失了。那上面潦草的小字写着：“此门不通”。

517　A Playing Card ID 扑克牌身份证

Everyone who drove through the base’s gates was required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards. As a friendly competition, my squadron started flashing different forms of ID, just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards. As the winner I breezed past with a playing card.

在开车通过基地大门的时候，每个人都必须把正式的身份证放在车前挡风玻璃下面，让卫兵检查。我们的飞行中队开始进行友好竞赛，变换各种不同形式的身份证，看看能在什么程度蒙骗忙碌的卫兵。作为得胜者，我用一张扑克牌就轻而易举地过去了。

518　Confuzing Names 困扰的名字

The base’s public-address system is the simplest way to call the troops—just shout out the soldiers’ names, tell them where they’re needed, and they’ll hustle right over. But there was some head-turning the day I summoned these two privates to assist the chaplain: “Pope, Paul, please report to the orderly room.”

在军事基地找人最简单方法是采用公用地址系统：喊士兵的名字，告诉他们哪里需要他们，然后他们就会很快过去。但是，有一天我传唤两个士兵去帮助驻军牧师的时候，好多人都回头来看。我喊的是：“Pope，Paul到文书室报到。”（注：Pope和Paul是两个人的名字，但是连在一起就是教皇保罗。）

519　A Military Childhood 随军子女的童年

Since I grew up in the civilian world, I knew my daughter’s childhood as a military brat would be drastically different from my own. This became quite apparent one day when a playmate arrived and asked my daughter, “Wanna play commissary?”

由于我是生长在和平环境里，我知道我女儿作为随军子女的童年生活会和我的童年很不相同。这一点我看得很清楚，有一天我女儿的玩伴来，问我女儿：“要不要玩军需官？”

520　Military English 军用英语

The rule of military English—the most basic word comes first. For example: Trousers, Male, Green; Equipment, navigation, automatic. On a recent trip to the Air Force base, I saw, written on the side of a large carton, yet another example: Melon, Water.

军用英语的基本原则：先说最基本的字。比如：裤子、男式、绿色，设备、导航、自动。我最近访问空军基地的时候看到另外一个例子：在一个大纸板箱侧面写着瓜、水。（注：Water Melon，西瓜）

521　What kind of helicopter? 哪一种直升飞机？

After years of practice, I learned to identify the different helicopters by their sound alone. Early one morning, I was awakened when one buzzed my barracks. I ran through the possibilities, but couldn’t identify it. Intrigued by what kind of helicopter it could be, I sprinted to the window just in time to see the single engine, twin-bladed main rotor lawn mower come into view.

经过多年的练习，我能够光听声音就说出是哪一种直升机。一天清早，我被低空掠过的轰隆声吵醒。我把所有的可能性都排查一遍，仍然不能说出这是哪一种直升机。这激起我极大的好奇心，想看看这到底是哪一种。我全速冲到窗口，正好看到一部单引擎双刀主旋转割草机。

522　In case of an emergency 在紧急情况下

Safety is job one in the Air Force. Overstating the obvious is job two, as I discovered when crawling into my military sleeping bag. The label reads: “In case of an emergency, unzip and exit through the top.”

在空军，最重要的事是安全，第二重要的事是过分强调显而易见的事情。这是我最近在爬进我的军用睡袋的时候发现的。睡袋上的标签说：“在紧急情况下，拉开拉链，从上端出来。”

523　That is how I made major 这是我怎样当上空军上将的

During a staff meeting at the Air Force base, the captain disagreed with everything being discussed. The commander, a general, grew annoyed, and let the younger officer know it. “Well, sir,” said the captain, “I doubt you made general by agreeing with everything someone else recommended.” “That’s true,” said the general, leaning in. “But that is how I made major.”

在空军基地的军官会议上，一个上尉对所讨论的每一件事都表示反对。这使空军上将司令官很不高兴，也告诉了这位下属。这个上尉说：“长官，我怀疑你人缘好是因为你对别人建议的任何事情都表示赞成。”将军往前凑了凑说：“确实如此。但是，这是我怎样当上空军上将的。”

524　A Mother’s Reaction 做母亲的反应

My son arrived back in the United States after fighting with the First Marine Division in Iraq. But I still couldn’t help reacting like a mom when I saw him on the base running over to some buddies to return a bayonet. “Mike!” I shouted halfway across the base. “Don’t run with that knife in your hands!”

我儿子跟随海军陆战队第一分队在伊拉克作战以后回到美国。当我看到他在基地往他的伙伴那里跑去还刺刀的时候，我忍不住做母亲的反应，在基地当中大喊：“麦克，手里拿着刀不要跑！”

525　Four Wrinkles 四条褶

Soldiers’ combat clothing is not supposed to be ironed, according to an unwritten rule. That, however, did not prevent one sergeant from slightly massaging the regulation. “Gentlemen,” said the sergeant to his troops, “I cannot order you to press your combat dress. Nevertheless, for tomorrow’s parade, uniforms will be allowed only four wrinkles, with one wrinkle running directly down the center and rear of each leg.”

按照不成文的规定，士兵的格斗服是不必烫的。但这并不妨碍一位中士对它略作修改。他对他的部队说：“先生们，我不能命令你们去烫格斗服。但是，对于明天的游行，军装只允许有四条褶：两条腿前后各一条，在中间从上面一直跑到下面。”

526　The fools jump 蠢人跳伞

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my recruiter what I could expect from jump school. “It’s three weeks long,” he said. “What else?” I asked. “The first week they separate the men from the boys,” he said. “The second week, they separate the fools from the men.” “And the third week?” I asked. “The third week, the fools jump.”

被第八十二空降师招募以后，我迫不及待地问招募人，我在空降学校里能学到什么。他说：“一共是三个星期。”我问：“还有什么？”他说：“第一个星期是把男人从男孩当中分出来。第二个星期是把蠢人从男人当中分出来。”我问：“那第三个星期呢？”“第三个星期，蠢人跳伞。”

527　Secondhand Smoke 二手烟

We were asleep in our cots when exploding enemy rockets woke us up. My platoon and I threw on our fatigues, grabbed our weapons and ran to the bunker for protection. Inside the bunker, one nervous soldier lit up. “Put that cigarette out!” I ordered. “Yeah, forget the rockets,” said another soldier as more rounds rocked the bunker. “That secondhand smoke will kill you.”

当敌人导弹的爆炸声把我们惊醒的时候，我们正在行军床上睡觉。我和我的一个排把疲劳丢在一边，抓起武器，冲进保护掩体。在掩体里，一名紧张的士兵点燃了一支烟。我命令说：“把烟熄灭！”正当更多轰炸摇晃着掩体的时候，另一个士兵说：“不要去管那些导弹。这二手烟会杀了你。”

528　Drive like you work 开车要像你工作一样

Life in the Navy is dangerous. Which is why a sign was posted, reminding American sailors to “Drive Like You Work. Slow.”

海军的生活是危险的。这就是为什么一张标语贴在那里，提醒美国水兵“开车要像你工作一样，要慢。”

529　Is the general expecting you? 将军在等你吗？

Gen. George Armstrong Custer is buried on the grounds of the United States Military Academy at West Point. Since I was driving through the ar-ea, I decided to pay my respects. At the gate, the distracted young MP put down her book, checked my ID and asked the purpose of my visit. I explained that I was there to visit General Custer. As she picked up her book, she asked, “And is the general expecting you?”

乔治·阿姆斯特朗·克斯特将军埋葬在西点军校的院子里。我正开车经过那个地区，就决定去瞻仰一下。在西点军校的门口，一个心不在焉的宪兵放下手中的书，检查了我的身份证，问我访问的目的。我向她解释说我是来看望克斯特将军。她一边拿起书本一边问：“将军在等你吗？”

530　A Geologist 地质学家

It was during basic training, the sergeant asked me what I did in civilian life, I proudly announced that I was a geologist. “Good. I’m looking for someone with your background,” he said, while dropping a bulging sack onto the table. “You’ve got just the right qualifications to pick the rocks out of this hundred pounds of beans.”

还是在基本训练阶段，军士长问我入伍以前是干什么的。我自豪地回答，我是一个地质学家。他一边往桌子上放一个鼓鼓囊囊的大麻袋，一边说：“好，我正在找一个有你这样背景的人。你正好有资格把这一百磅豆子里的石头挑出来。”

531　Returned from the Middle East 从中东回来

My wife returned from a duty in the Middle East. To celebrate, I decided to take her out for a night. Proud of her service record, I suggested she wear her uniform. Not only did a patriotic taxi driver refuse to accept money from us, but an appreciative citizen paid for her meal at the restaurant, and the theater manager upgraded our balcony seats to the orchestra. At the end of the evening, I turned to my wife. “I still get credit for taking you out, right?”

为了庆祝我太太从中东执行任务回来，我决定带她出去玩一个晚上。我为她的服务记录感到骄傲，就建议她穿上军装。结果，一个爱国的出租汽车司机拒绝收我们的钱，餐馆里一个感激的公民为她付账，剧院的经理把我们从包厢升格为乐队座位。晚上回来的时候，我问我太太：“我带你出来玩还是有功劳的，对吧？”

532　Ten thousand flies can’t be wrong 一万只苍蝇错不了

On the wall of the mess hall of one Marine Corps base: “This food must be good. Ten thousand flies can’t be wrong!”

在一个海军陆战队基地食堂的墙上写着：“这里的伙食一定好，一万只苍蝇错不了！”

533　Airman is undecided 空军士兵尚未决定

During my re-enlistment interview, the sergeant asked me if I’d considered reupping in the Air Force. “I wouldn’t re-enlist if you made me a four-star general, gave me a million dollars!” I seethed. On the form, the sergeant wrote, “Airman is undecided.”

在重新入伍面谈中，军士长问我是否考虑重新加入空军。我愤怒地说：“如果你让我当四星上将加上一百万美金，我也不会重新入伍。”军士长在表格上填：“空军士兵尚未决定。”

534　When it quits leaking 当它不再漏的时候

Boarding a military transport plane, I noticed hydraulic fluid pouring from the tail section. “Excuse me,” I said to a crewmember. “Do you know the aircraft has a leak?” “Yep,” he said as he continued on his way. “Aren’t you concerned?” He shrugged. “Well,” I asked, “how do you know when you’re out of fluid?” “When it quits leaking,” he answered.

在登上军用运输机的时候，我注意到液压液从飞机尾部不断流出来。我对一个机组人员说：“对不起，你知道不知道这架飞机有渗漏？”“知道。”他一边说一边继续走。“那你担心吗？”他耸耸肩膀。我又问：“那你怎么知道它什么时候漏完了呢？”他回答：“当它不再漏的时候。”

535　Always want to look your best 总是要看起来最好

As he prepared to leave for the Gulf, my husband was complaining to a friend about his uniform. Military men are taught to care about their appearance, and the Air National Guard would be wearing desert camouflage but not the matching sand-colored utility belt. “I get it,” said his friend. “You always want to look your best, even when you don’t want to be seen.”

正在准备开赴波斯湾的时候，我的丈夫向他的朋友抱怨他的军装。军人被教导要注重他们的仪容。空军国家卫队应该穿沙漠伪装服，却没有和沙漠颜色相配的武装带。他的朋友说：“我懂了。你总是要看起来最好，甚至当你想要别人看不见的时候也这样。”

536　After September 11 9月11日以后

On September 11, when terrorists attacked the U.S., my brother was stationed in Japan. My mother, upon hearing the news, didn’t panic. Instead, she headed to the nearest recruiting office. When a recruiter asked if she needed help, she responded, “Yes—I need to hug a Marine!”

9月11日恐怖分子袭击美国的时候，我弟弟在日本驻军。我妈听到这个消息没有惊慌。而是到附近的征兵站去。一个招募人员问她是不是需要帮助。她说：“对，我要拥抱一个海军陆战队员！”

537　Donate the blood 献血

In our Air Force Base the junior officers challenged the senior officers to see who would donate the most blood. After trying several times to locate a vein in my left arm, the technician applied a Band-Aid, and after drawing blood from my right arm, put a bandage on that arm as well. As I left the collection facility, I passed a colonel. Noting my two bandages, he looked at me and shook his head, saying, “I knew you young guys would find a way to cheat.”

在我们空军基地，官阶较低的军官向官阶较高的军官挑战，看谁献血最多。采血技术员在我的左胳膊上试了好几次，也找不到静脉，只好贴上一条胶带。他在我右胳膊上采完血，又贴上一条胶带。从采血站出来，碰上一个上校。看见我两只胳膊上都贴着胶带，他看了看我，摇摇头，说：“我知道你们年轻人能找到弄虚作假的办法。”

538　That’s the point 这才是目的

While I drove in the base one evening, a young soldier in his camouflage uniform stepped out onto the street. I slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting him, and the screeching tires attracted the attention of a nearby MP. I was in tears as the officer approached my car. “I didn’t see him!” I blurted out. “Well, ma’am,” the MP remarked, grinning at me, “that’s the point.”

一天傍晚，我在军事基地里开车，一个穿着迷彩服的年轻士兵走到路上。我猛踩刹车免得撞上他。轮胎的尖叫声吸引了附近一个宪兵的注意。当这个宪兵走近我的汽车时我哭了起来，不假思索地说：“我没有看见他。”这个宪兵咧嘴笑着对我说：“嗯，夫人，这才是目的。”

539　We’ve never landed 从来没有着陆过

I was jumpmaster and was taking a few novices up for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and I called off the jump because of high winds. As the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick. “How come you could take that rough flight but you couldn’t handle the smooth landing?” I asked. “Well, sir,” one trainee explained, “we’ve always jumped out of planes. We’ve never actually landed before.”

我是跳伞长，正带几个新手上去跳伞。飞机颠簸得很厉害，我看风太大就取消了跳伞。飞行员做了一个非常平稳的着陆，但是有两个新手吐了。我问他们：“你们为什么颠簸得很厉害的时候不吐，而平稳着陆的时候反而吐了？”其中一个回答说：“长官，我们以前每一次都是跳到飞机外面，从来没有着陆过。”

540　Go to war 上战场

When my Navy Medical Reserve Unit was called up for Operation Desert Storm, I was awakened by a phone call at three o’clock on a Sunday morning with the order to report for duty in four hours. After I hung up the phone, my husband groggily asked, “Who was that?” “Oh, honey,” I moaned, thinking of our 15-month-old child, “I have to go to war!” “Don’t worry,” he said as he rolled over, “It’s Sunday, and the traffic won’t be bad.”

当我的海军医疗预备队被命令参加沙漠风暴行动的时候，星期天凌晨三点钟，电话把我叫醒，命令我在四个小时之内报到。我挂上电话，我丈夫迷迷糊糊地问我是谁来的电话。我想着刚满15个月的孩子，抱怨地说：“亲爱的，我不得不上战场了。”他一边翻身，一边说：“别担心。今天是星期天，路上没什么车。”

541　Tank parking available 坦克可以停

After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Army base, my husband suddenly said, “We’re getting close.” “How do you know?” I asked. He pointed to a sign that read “Sonny’s Bar-B-Q. Tank Parking Available.”

我们在不熟悉的街道上开来开去，就是找不到军事基地的入口。忽然，我丈夫说：“快到了。”我问他：“你怎么知道的？”他指着一张告示，上面写着：“松尼烤肉铺，坦克可以停。”

542　Honeybees find land mines 蜜蜂找地雷

The U.S. military is enlisting honeybees to find land mines. The insects are trained to react to the scent of TNT, then are fitted with transmitters and sent out to search for underground explosives. When they smell TNT the insects hover over the area and the military tracks them to the site to safely eliminate the land mine.

美国军方正在招募蜜蜂来找地雷。首先是训练蜜蜂对TNT炸药的气味有反应，然后在蜜蜂身上装上发送装置，再把它们放出去找地下的爆炸物。当它们闻到TNT炸药的气味，它们就在附近盘旋。军方循迹而至，便可安全地排除地雷。

543　Security Checkpoint 安全检查点

A soldier, in full uniform approached a security checkpoint at the airport. As with everybody else, he was ordered to go through the metal detector. Before doing so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel. Still the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed a Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets. “Sorry, sir,” security said to the soldier, “but this item is prohibited.” Taking the knife away, the security then handed him back the M-16.

一个全副武装的士兵来到机场的安全检查点。他和其他人一样，要通过金属探测器。他先把他的M16冲锋枪交给安检人员。但是，他走过去的时候，警报器还是响了。进一步检查发现他的一个口袋里有一把瑞士军刀。安检人员对士兵说：“对不起，先生。这个东西是禁止带入的。”他把瑞士军刀拿走，把M16冲锋枪还给了这个士兵。

544　Junior Officer 低级军官

As an Air Force Reserve medical unit, we worked with nurses just out of nursing school who were not used to military ranks. This notice appeared on our bulletin board: “There will be a meeting of all junior officers at 1300 hours today. If you are not sure whether you are a junior officer, plan on attending.”

作为空军预备役医疗单位，我们和刚从护士学校毕业的护士在一起工作。由于她们还不熟悉军阶，告示板上的通知这样写：“今天13时整召开全体低级军官会议。如果你不知道你是不是低级军官，就来参加。”

545　She worries more than your knee 她担心的不只是你的膝盖

My nephew, a former high-school halfback, came home from combat duty in Afghanistan. He was excited to tell me that his unit had played a makeshift game of football. “Just don’t tell my mom,” he begged. “If she knew I was playing football she’d worry that I might re-injure my knee.”

我的外甥，前高中橄榄球队中卫，从阿富汗战场回来。他兴高采烈地告诉我，他们部队玩了一场临时东拼西凑的橄榄球。他求我说：“只是不要告诉我妈。她要是知道我玩橄榄球，又该担心我会再次伤到膝盖。”

546　Pilots or Pedestrians 是飞行员还是行人

I works in the fuels squadron at an Air Force base, and many of my co-workers complain about the superior attitude of the pilots. One day we decided to put things in perspective for the proud pilots. We all came to work wearing shirts inscribed, “Without fuel, pilots are pedestrians.”

我在空军基地的燃料中队工作。我的许多同事都对飞行员高人一等的态度颇有微词。有一天，我们决定要对傲慢的飞行员把事情挑明了。我们去上班的时候都穿一样的衬衣，上面写着“没有燃料，飞行员只能步行”。

547　Rocket Science 火箭科学

Sitting in basic communications training, we were having trouble understanding some concepts of satellite technology. “Come on, guys,” the instructor said. “This isn’t rocket science.” After an uncomfortable pause, a courageous trainee raised his hand and said, “Sir, I’m no genius, but since we are dealing with launching satellites, I believe this actually is rocket science.”

在基础通讯培训的时候，我们对一些卫星技术的概念不太理解。教官说：“伙计们，加把劲。这又不是火箭科学。”经过一个令人不舒服的停顿以后，一个勇敢的学员举起手来说：“长官，我不是天才。不过，我们既然涉及卫星发射，我想这确实是火箭科学。”

548　My general outranks your general 我的将军比你的将军地位高

I was scolding our pastor for his habit of starting church services five or ten minutes late. I mentioned that in my years with the Air Force, when the general scheduled us to take off at 0700 hours, he didn’t mean 0705 or 0710. The pastor smiled at me and said, “My general outranks your general.”

我正在斥责我们的牧师，因为他的礼拜总是推迟五分钟到十分钟才开始。我说，我在空军这么多年，如果将军说七点钟起飞，那绝不是七点零五分或者七点十分起飞。牧师对我笑一笑说：“我的将军比你的将军地位高。”

549　You idiots, fall out! 你们这些白痴，解散！

After drilling his platoon in the hot sun, the sergeant barked out a final order: “All right, you idiots, fall out!” The men dispersed, but one rookie stood firm. The sergeant stared as the rookie smiled and said, “There sure were a lot of them, weren’t there, Sergeant?”

一个排的人在烈日下操练完毕，军士狂喊出最后的命令：“好吧，你们这些白痴，解散！”人们一哄而散，只有一个新兵直直地站在那里。军士盯着他看。这个新兵笑一笑说：“军士，肯定是有很多白痴，是不是？”

550　May I see your authority to enter? 我能不能看看你的进门许可？

The guard in Air Force basic training must check the ID of everyone who comes to the door. A trainee was standing guard when he heard a pounding on the door and the order “Let me in!” Through the window he saw the uniform of a lieutenant colonel and immediately opened up. He quickly realized his mistake. “Airman! Why didn’t you check for my authority to enter?” Thinking fast, the airman replied, “Sir, you’d have gotten in anyway.” “What do you mean?” “Uh… the hinges on the door… they’re broken, sir.” “What? Show me!” With a twinkle in his eye, the airman opened the door, let the officer step out and slammed the door shut. “Airman! Open up immediately!” “Sir, may I see your authority to enter?”

空军基本训练的警卫必须检查每一个人的身份证才能放行。轮到一个新的受训者站岗。他听见有人敲门命令说：“让我进去！”他从玻璃窗里看到上校的军服，就马上把门打开了。他很快意识到自己的错误。“空军士兵，为什么不检查我的进门许可？”这个空军士兵脑子很快，他说：“长官，无论怎样你都能进来。”“这是什么意思？”“长官，这……门上的铰链……断了”“什么？让我看。”空军士兵的眼睛闪着光，打开门，让上校出去，马上把门关上了。“空军士兵，马上把门打开！”“长官，我能不能看看你的进门许可？”

551　Corporal Meeting 团队会见

While I was in the Army, I had my own office. At coffee breaks, I listened to officers complain about how they couldn’t get their work done with all the interruptions. Once I got promoted, I knew what they were talking about. They changed the nameplate on my door—to Corporal Meeting, from Private Meeting.

当我在陆军的时候，我有自己的办公室。在休息的时候，我听军官们抱怨说因为太多的干扰，没办法完成自己的工作。等到我被提升以后，我就明白了他们说的是什么意思了。他们把我的门上的牌子从“二等兵（私人会见）”换成了“下士（团队会见）”。

552　A Live Bomb in Class 课堂上的真炸弹

My Army bomb-clearing detail was asked to conduct a class for a group of visiting officers. Needing a prop to demonstrate, I retrieved a live bomb from the impact area. One class member, a second lieutenant, seemed nervous about it. He kept interrupting the class with, “I know you’ve done this before, but are you sure that you’re doing it right?” After the third interruption, I said, “Lieutenant, I guarantee that in all your military career, you’ll never meet anyone who’s done this before and done it wrong!”

我们陆军炸弹清除分遣队被要求给一组来访的军官们上一堂课。作为演示的道具，我从撞击地区取回一颗真的炸弹。一位听课的少尉似乎很紧张，在课堂上多次打断：“我知道你以前干过。但是你能不能肯定你现在没弄错？”在他打断三次以后，我说：“少尉，我敢肯定在你的全部戎马生涯中，你没有见过谁干过而且干错的。”

553　Keep your mouth shut 闭嘴

During basic training one lesson stood out from all the others: Keep your mouth shut unless given permission to talk. I didn’t realize how well our instructors had hammered this point home until that evening when we sat down to eat. My table mate started her evening prayer with, “God, request permission to pray.”

在基本训练阶段，在所有的功课中最突出的一项就是：闭嘴，除非允许你说话。可是，一直到那天晚上我们坐下来吃晚饭的时候，我才意识到教官给我们留下的印象有多深刻。我的同桌开始她的谢饭祷告的第一句是：“上帝，求你允许我祷告。”

554　Cleared for takeoff 你被清除，准备起飞

One night, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the Air Force Base runway. When I got to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal. Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly, “Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for takeoff.”

一天晚上，我被差遣去检查保安围栏，那里的警报响了。围栏在我们空军基地跑道的尽头。当我到那里时，发现肇事的是一只浣熊，所以就一边跑一边挥舞手臂把它吓跑。突然，一个空中交通控制人员通过扩音喇叭大声说：“跑道尽头的空军士兵注意，你被清除，准备起飞。”

555　Decorating the lawn 布置大草坪

We were expecting a visit from a prominent four-star general. I was in charge of decorating the lawn in front of the building where the festivities were going to be held. I arranged to have an old, retired tank and some fake land mines placed near the entrance. One uninformed passer-by paused, looked over the scene and remarked, “Gee, I guess they’re really serious about not wanting us to walk on the grass.”

我们准备迎接一位战功显赫的四星上将来访。我负责楼前大草坪的布置，我们要在大草坪上举行各种庆典活动。我精心安排在入口处放一辆退役的旧坦克和一些废弃的地雷。一个不知情的过路人停下来，看了看周围情景，评论说：“天哪，我想他们是较真不让我们从草坪上走了。”

556　A New Policy 一项新规定

In the early 1990s, when I was stationed in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work. So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, “Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle.”

20世纪90年代初期，当我们在意大利驻军的时候，士兵们骑自行车上下班是很普遍的事。经历了一系列痛苦而又戏剧性的事故以后，顺理成章地出台一项新规定，简而言之：“骑自行车的官兵们不必再互相致礼。”

557　Impeccable Appearance 无可挑剔的仪容

A retired sergeant major was continually looking up from his wristwatch. “What are you up to?” I asked him. “I’ve been standing here for twenty-eight minutes,” he replied, “and not one Marine has come through these doors in full uniform. I’ll give fifty dollars to the first Marine who comes in dressed with spit and polish.” Within seconds, a private walked into the base decked out in his full uniform. Pleased, the sergeant major presented him with the money and asked him about his impeccable appearance. The private lowered his eyes and replied, “I’ve just come from my girl friend, sir.”

一位退休军士长正在不停地看手表。我问他：“你在等什么？”他回答说：“我在这里站了28分钟，没见到一个全副军装的海军陆战队员从这几个门走过。我要给第一个仪容整洁的海军陆战队员50美元。”话音刚落，一个二等兵穿着全副军装进来了。这位军士长高兴地把钱给他，并且问他有关他的无可挑剔的仪容。这位二等兵看着地面回答说：“长官，我刚从女朋友那里回来。”

558　You’re free to go 你可以走了

Mike was assigned to wax the floors of their barracks. He’d heard that if the wax is really hot, it would just glide across the floor, cutting the labor time in half. Unfortunately, as he was heating the can of wax with a cigarette lighter, it caught on fire, setting off alarms and attracting firetrucks, ambulances and the police. Mike had to report to his sergeant’s office immediately. Assuming he was in big trouble, he took a deep breath as he faced his superior. But before Mike could say a word, the sergeant simply muttered, “Been there, done that. You’re free to go.”

麦克被指派去给营房的地板打蜡。他听说，如果蜡很热的话就会沿着地板流动，可以节省一半时间。不幸的是，在他用打火机加热蜡罐的时候着火了。警报响了，引来了救火车、救护车、警车。麦克不得不立即向中士报告。他知道自己闯了大祸，深深吸了一口气，去面对他的上司。不料，没等他说一个字，中士轻描淡写地说：“你在那里，干了那个。你可以走了。”

559　Big Difference 差别好大

My wife worked at dry cleaners in the Navy base. One evening a familiar-looking man in civilian clothes came to pick up his dry cleaning. She was sure that she had met him at the “Welcome Aboard” briefing a few weeks earlier. She said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you on my husband’s boat?” “No, ma’am,” the man replied, “I believe your husband is on my boat.”

我太太在海军基地的干洗店里工作。一天傍晚，一个看起来挺面熟的穿便装的人来取他干洗的衣服。我太太认定几个星期前在欢迎会上见过他，就说：“请问，你是不是在我丈夫的船上？”那个男人回答说：“不，夫人，我相信是你的丈夫在我的船上。”

560　Primary Target Acquisition Radar 一级目标采集雷达

After completing medical officer basic training, I was assigned to a small Army post. I noticed a large curved device supported by a labyrinth of steel girders. Anxious to show off my new knowledge of air-defense system, I pointed to the structure and said, “So that’s our primary target acquisition radar?” “No, sir,” the sergeant replied. “That’s the back of the drive-in movie screen.”

在完成了医官的基本军事训练以后，我被分配到陆军的一个小兵营去工作。我注意到一个由复杂的钢梁结构支撑的巨大的曲线装置。我急于显示我刚学来的空中防御系统的知识，就指着这个结构说：“那么，这就是我们的一级目标采集雷达啰？”中士说：“不是，长官。这是免下车露天电影院屏幕的背面。”

561　Race cars on the sea 海上赛车

My son came home from a three-month deployment aboard his submarine, and told me that one of the ways the sailors kept up morale was to make wooden cars out of kits and run derby races. “What do you do for a ramp?” I asked. “Don’t need one,” he said. “We just put the cars on the floor and then tilt the sub.”

我儿子随他的潜艇出海行动三个月，回到家中。他告诉我，水手们鼓舞士气的一个办法是用配套元件制作木头汽车，然后举行公开赛。我问他：“那么你们怎么做弯道呢？”他说：“不需要。我们只是把车都放在地上，而让潜艇倾斜。”

562　1 in 359 三百五十九分之一

During a field exercise, my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through the exercise, we realized we had lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, “Our odds are 1 in 359 that we’ll get out of here.” “How do you come up with that?” I asked. “Well,” he replied, “one of the degrees on the compass has to be right.”

在实地演习期间，我的小队夜间巡逻穿越一个浓密的丛林。走到半途我们发现地图丢了。巡逻领航员告诉我们：“我们能从这里走出去的概率是三百五十九分之一。”我问：“你怎么得出这么一个数？”他回答说：“罗盘上三百六十度总有一度是正确的。”

563　Navel Destroyers 海军的驱逐舰

My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a strict military code of ethics. One day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my bellybutton pierced. “No way!” my father fired back. “This is an Air Force family—no navel destroyers are allowed!”

我爸爸是空军学院毕业生，仍然保留着严格的军队伦理规范。有一天，我提到想在肚脐上打一个环。我爸爸反击说：“没门儿！我们是空军家庭，决不允许有海军的驱逐舰。”

564　And just what time is that? 那到底是几点钟？

My wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room and asked to speak with me. The person who answered told her “He can be reached at 4700, ma’am.” With a sigh, my wife responded, “And just what time is that?”

我太太总也搞不清24小时军用时间表示法。有一天她打电话给勤务兵室，要求和我通话。接电话的人告诉她说：“夫人，你可以在4700分机找到他。”（这句的英语原文也可以理解为“你可以在47点00分找到他。”）我太太叹了一口气说：“那到底是几点钟？”

565　Your sign was upside down 你的标志拿倒了

One morning, as the fishing fleet passed by on its way out to sea, a boat came too close to our ship. A Marine held up a sign warning the captain to stay away, and he complied. The next day, the boat was back. This time, the fisherman held something. The nervous Marine pointed to his rifle. The fisherman lifted the object and unfurled it, revealing a sign of his own. It read “Your Sign Was Upside Down.”

一天早上，当渔船队出海的时候，一条船离我们的船太近了。一个海军陆战队队员举起一个标志，警告船长离远一点，他照办了。第二天，那条船回来了。这一次，那个渔民手里拿着什么东西。这个海军陆战队员紧张地举起枪对着他。那个渔民把手里的东西举起来，并且打开。那是他自己的一个标志，上面写着：“昨天你的标志拿倒了。”

566　Everything in Duplicate 什么都要双份

Military cost-cutting has hit everything, including toilet paper. Only the cheapest graces our latrines. So when a couple of boxes filled with the two-ply tissue fell in our laps, it was like manna from heaven. But, it was all a mistake. The boxes had been intended for the officers club. “I should have known,” grumbled the supply sergeant. “Our officers demand everything in duplicate!”

削减军费已经影响到每一件事，包括厕所用的手纸。只有最便宜的才会赐给兵营的厕所用。因此，当我们收到两箱双层手纸的时候，就像天上掉吗哪（注：圣经故事）一样。但是，这是一个错误。这两箱是要发往军官俱乐部的。军需中士嘟囔着说：“我早该知道，我们的军官什么都是要双份的。”

567　This is my new assistant 这是我的新助手

My brother and I arrived at boot camp together. On the first morning, our unit was dragged out of bed by our drill sergeant and made to assemble outside. “My name’s Sergeant Smith,” he snarled. “Is there anyone here who thinks he can whip me?” My six-foot-three, 280-pound brother raised his hand and said, “Yes, sir, I do.” Our sergeant grabbed him by the arm and led him out in front of the group. “Men,” he said, “this is my new assistant. Now, is there anyone here who thinks he can whip both of us?”

我和我哥哥一起到了新兵训练营。第一个早晨，训练军士长就把我们从床上拽起来，到外面集合。他咆哮着说：“我的名字叫史密斯军士长。这里有没有人认为他可以把我击败？”我那六尺三寸高、280磅重的哥哥举起手来，说：“是的，长官，我能。”我们的军士长拉着他的胳膊，让他出列，走到我们前面。他说：“这是我的新助手。现在，这里有没有人认为他可以把我们俩击败？”

568　Bombing is only a hobby 轰炸只是业余爱好

While with the Strategic Air Command, I found an official letterhead. At the bottom of the letterhead was our motto: “Peace is our profession.” Beneath that, someone had added: “Bombing is only a hobby.”

在空军战略指挥部，我找到一张正式的信纸。在信纸的下端印着我们的座右铭：“和平是我们的职业。”在那下面，有人加了一句：“轰炸只是业余爱好。”

569　How do you plan on punishing me? 你还能怎么惩罚我？

The commander was in a hurry to fly out of the U.S. Air base in Greenland. But everything was working against him. The truck to pump the sewage from the plane was late, and then the airman pumping out the tank was taking his time. The commander berated the lowly airman, threatening to have him punished. Turning to the officer, the airman said, “I have no stripes, it’s 40 degrees below zero, I’m stationed in Greenland, and I’m pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just how do you plan on punishing me?”

司令急着要飞离在格陵兰的美国空军基地。但是一切都和他作对。从飞机往外抽污水的卡车来晚了，抽污水的空军士兵又磨磨蹭蹭。司令训斥这个地位卑贱的空军士兵，威胁要惩罚他。这个空军士兵把脸转过来，看着司令说：“我的军服上没有条纹，这里是零下四十度，我驻守在格陵兰，我从飞机往外抽污水。你还能怎么惩罚我呢？”

570　Resume all unnecessary work 恢复一切不必要的工作

I was scrubbing the bulkhead one Sunday when the loudspeaker announced: “Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Knock off all unnecessary work.” An hour later, it was announced: “Resume all unnecessary work.”

一个星期天，我正在擦隔离舱，扩音器宣布：“现在是宗教仪式时间，甲板上保持安静，停止一切不必要的工作。”一小时以后，又宣布：“恢复一切不必要的工作。”

571　Not sentimental 不是多愁善感

My friend received a package from the Navy containing the civilian clothes her son was wearing when he left for boot camp. Not wanting to open the box, she put it away. This cracked up her husband, who accused her of being sentimental. “I’m not sentimental,” she shot back. “I’m realistic. His shoes, socks and underwear have been inside that box for two weeks, and I’m not going to be the one to open it!”

我的朋友收到一个从海军寄来的包裹，里面是她儿子在去新兵营的时候穿的便装。她不想打开它，就把它放在一边。这使得她的丈夫发火，指责她是多愁善感。她反击说：“我不是多愁善感，我是现实主义。他的鞋、袜、裤衩已经在那个盒子里放了两个星期。我不想去打开它。”

572　Let my driver answer it 让我的司机来回答

As a benefits specialist in the Marines, I traveled around delivering lectures on life insurance. After listening to a dozen of these talks, the corporal who drove me from base to base insisted he knew my entire spiel by heart. “Prove it,” I said. So at the next base the corporal delivered the speech. As he ended his flawless performance, a Marine asked, “What do I pay for insurance after I leave the Corps?” My driver froze. “Marine,” he said sternly, as he pointed to me, “that is such a dumb question that I am going to let my driver answer it.”

作为海军陆战队的福利专家，我到处旅行，讲解人寿保险。开车送我从一个基地到另一个基地的下士听我讲了无数次同样的内容，坚持说他已经能背诵我那一套招揽顾客的说辞。我说：“证明给我看。”于是，在下一个基地由他来讲。当下士完美无瑕地讲完以后，一个海军陆战队员问：“当我退伍以后我怎么付保险金呢？”下士怔住了。他指着我，表示不悦地说：“这样一个愚蠢的问题，我让我的司机来回答。”

573　Will anyone be shooting at me? 会不会有人开枪打我？

A soldier who had just returned from Afghanistan applied for a job of greenskeeper in a golf course. But the manager worried that he might not be up for the job. “It’s stressful,” he said. “You have to fight the weather, insects and demanding club members.” “Will anyone be shooting at me while I mow the grass?” asked the soldier. “Of course not.” “I’ll take the job.”

一个刚从阿富汗回来的士兵申请当高尔夫球场的草坪管理人。但是经理担心他不能胜任。他说：“这个工作压力很大。你必须得和天气斗争，和虫子斗争，还得和很难对付的俱乐部成员斗争。”那个士兵问道：“我在割草坪的时候会不会有人开枪打我？”“当然不会。”“那我干了。”

574　Unless he has to surrender 除非他不得不投降

After joining the Navy, I underwent a physical. During the exam, it was discovered that I couldn’t fully extend my arms above my head. Perplexed, the doctor conferred with another physician. “Let him pass,” said the second doctor. “I don’t see any problems unless he has to surrender.”

参加海军以后我做了一次体检。在检查中发现我的双臂不能完全伸展超过头顶。医生有点为难，就找另一个医生商量。那个医生说：“让他通过吧。我看不出来有什么不妥，除非他不得不投降。”

575　Jewish of the Week 这个星期的犹太人

During basic training, our drill sergeant asked all Jewish personnel to make themselves known. Six of us tentatively raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah. A few days later, in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to identify themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand. “Only those who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week,” declared the sergeant.

在基本训练期间，我们的训练军士让所有的犹太人都举手。我们六个人犹犹豫豫地举起了手。结果使我们大大松了一口气，原来是给我们放假一天，庆祝犹太新年。过了几天是犹太人的赎罪日，训练军士又让所有的犹太人都举手。这一次，所有的士兵都举起了手。训练军士宣布说：“只有上个星期是犹太人的，这个星期才可以当犹太人。”

576　Calm frayed nerves 放松紧张的神经

The seas were rough the day the transport ship carried us to Europe. As we pitched up and down, there wasn’t one soldier onboard who didn’t feel seasick. To take our minds off the bleak conditions, we were invited to see a movie. What film did the captain choose to calm our frayed nerves? “The Cain Mutiny.”

运输舰把我们送往欧洲的途中波浪滔天，我们被抛到天上，又掉到谷底，舰上没有一个士兵不晕船。为了分散我们的注意力，我们被邀请去看一部电影。船长选来让我们放松神经的电影叫什么名字呢？《该隐号兵变》。

577　What’s the second best thing? 什么是第二好的事情？

While in Marine Corps boot camp, we were taught to keep our heads if taken prisoner by the enemy. “Imagine that the door to your cell opens and in walks a beautiful young woman in a revealing outfit,” said our instructor. “The best thing to do is not to touch her.” From the back of the room came the question, “Sir, what’s the second best thing?”

在海军陆战队新兵营里，我们被教导说，如果被敌人抓去，要保持冷静。教官说：“假想你的牢房门开了，走进来一个衣着暴露的、年轻美丽的女子，最好的事情就是不要去碰她。”这时候，从教室的后面传来了问话：“长官，什么是第二好的事情？”

578　I just never saw you coming 我压根就没看见你们开过来

We were driving along the road one day when we collided with a camouflaged Army truck. Everyone was okay, but when asked by the soldiers what had happened, my friend told them, “I just never saw you coming.”

有一天，我们开车在路上撞上了一辆带迷彩的军用卡车，幸亏没有人受伤。但是当士兵们问我们是怎么一回事的时候，我的朋友告诉他们：“我压根就没看见你们开过来。”

579　Flattop 小平头

Crew cut, flattop, buzz cut. Whatever you call them, military haircuts are not always the height of fashion. And even the military recognizes that. While passing a U.S. armed services barbershop, I saw these rates that were posted in the window: Haircuts: $7. Military Haircuts: $6.

船员头、小平头、嗡嗡头，不论你怎么称呼，军人的头发总不能达到流行的高度。甚至军队自己也承认这一点。路过一家美军服务理发店，看到橱窗里贴着价目表：理发七美元，理军人头六美元。

580　My wife is getting pregnant this weekend 我的妻子准备这个周末怀孕

Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason. “My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” I told the CO. Much to my surprise, he said, albeit curtly, “Permission granted.” Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn’t pregnant. So when the CO asked why he should grant him permission, my friend responded, “My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her.”

尽管我知道我们的司令官不喜欢发放周末通行证，但是我认为我的理由很充足。我告诉司令官：“我妻子怀孕了，我想和她在一起。”出乎我的预料，他痛快地说：“准假。”受到我的成功的鼓舞，我的同伴也去申请周末通行证。他的妻子并没有怀孕。当司令官问他为什么要请假的时候，他说：“我的妻子准备这个周末怀孕，我想和她在一起。”

581　Point this end at enemy 这一头指向敌人

After enlisting in the Navy, a friend of mine found himself in basic training learning about firearms. He was aided by a sticker on his rifle with an arrow pointed toward the barrel. It read: “Point This End at Enemy.”

我的一个朋友参加海军以后，在基本训练期间学习使用火器。在他的枪上贴了一张纸条帮助他正确使用。这张纸条上画了一个箭头，指向枪口，并且写着：“这一头指向敌人。”

582　Send us all back 把我们都送回去

After about three weeks in basic training, my unit was not measuring up to expectations, and the sergeant threatened to send us all back three weeks to start over. Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. He said, “How about sending us back four weeks?”

经过三个星期的基本训练，我们的单元没有达到预期的目标。训练军士威胁说要把我们都送回去三个星期，从头来过。看起来，至少有一个士兵已经在重新考虑他的职业选择。他说：“把我们送回去四个星期好不好？”

583　Mission Impossible 不可能的使命

During reservists’ training, my commanding officer was highlighting the key objective of our task—aimed at motivating the troops, a ringing cell phone suddenly interrupted him. The tune of “Mission Impossible.”

在预备役训练期间，我们的司令长官正在强调我们使命的关键目标是激励部队士气的时候，突然被一个手机的响声打断，那是电影《不可能的使命》的插曲。

584　Don’t shoot or I’ll move! 不许开枪！不然我就动了！

For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training. When on guard duty one night, one recruit cried out, “Halt! Don’t shoot or I’ll move!”

对于一些新兵来说，基本训练没有什么是基本的。在夜间站岗的时候，一个新兵大喊：“站住！不许开枪！不然我就动了！”（注：他显然是喊反了。）

585　You can grab seconds 你可以吃第二份

“Chow looks wonderful,” I told the mess sergeant, a large man. “I’d love seconds.” “You’ll get the same as everyone else,” he growled as he chucked food on my tray. “Now move it!” After finishing the edible portion of my meal, I dumped the rest in the garbage, accidentally tossing out my silverware. While leaning into the trash can to look for my knife and fork, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the mess sergeant. “It’s all right, son,” he said. “You can grab seconds.”

我对大个子炊事长说：“食物看起来不错。我想吃两份。”他一边往我盘子里拨食物，一边咆哮说：“你得的和其他人一样。吃吧！”我把我盘子里能吃的东西都吃了，就把盘子里剩的东西倒进了垃圾桶，不小心把金属的刀叉也一起倒了进去。我正弯腰到垃圾桶里去捡刀叉，有人在我肩膀上拍了一下。是炊事长。他说：“孩子，没关系，你可以吃第二份。”

586　Just drop anchor 只要抛锚就行

The crew of a fast frigate was practicing the man overboard drill by “rescuing” a bright orange fluorescent dummy dubbed Oscar. The captain watched as a young lieutenant nervously stopped the ship, turned it and maneuvered into place. Unfortunately, he ran right over Oscar. Surveying the remains of Oscar scattered around the ship, the captain told the lieutenant, “Son, do me a favor. If I ever fall overboard, just drop anchor and I’ll swim to you.”

快速护航舰的全体成员正在进行人员落水演习。他们要救的是一个外号叫奥斯卡的鲜橙色荧光假人。舰长看着一位年轻的海军上尉紧张地停船、调头，并且靠拢目标。不幸的是，他恰好从奥斯卡身上开过。看着散落在船四周的奥斯卡的残骸，舰长对海军上尉说：“孩子，帮帮忙。如果我哪天落水，你只要抛锚就行，我会游到你那儿。”

587　That plane’s landing 这架飞机正在降落

A recruit in Navy boot camp got on the wrong side of our company commander and was ordered to do push-ups. As he neared triple digits, an airliner flew overhead. “I bet you wish you were on that plane, don’t cha?” sneered the CC. “No, sir,” said the unlucky recruit. “Why wouldn’t you want to be on that plane?” “Because,” the recruit grunted between push-ups, “that plane’s landing. I want to be on one that’s leaving.”

海军新兵训练营的一个新兵不符合司令官的要求，被罚做俯卧撑。快做到一百下的时候，有一架飞机从头上飞过。司令官冷笑着说：“我想你一定希望是在那架飞机上，对不对？”那个倒霉的新兵说：“不对。”“为什么你不希望是在那架飞机上？”那个新兵在俯卧撑中间喘着气说：“因为这架是要降落的，我希望在那架要起飞的上面。”

588　Private Glory 二等兵丽莎

The base mascot is an eagle in a large cage. The bird’s name, Sergeant Lisa, was engraved on a nearby plaque. One morning Sergeant Lisa gave his handler a nasty bite while being fed. The next day a new plaque appeared on the bird’s enclosure. It read “Private Lisa.”

基地的吉祥物是一个关在大笼子里的鹰。它的名字“丽莎中士”刻在旁边的一块铭牌上。一天早上，丽莎中士把给它喂食的训练员咬得很惨。第二天，它的铭牌换了一块新的，上面写着：“二等兵丽莎”。

589　Our Own Drop Zone 我们自己的着陆区

Both my roommate and I are airborne engineer lieutenants. While we were looking for a new house to move into, we came upon a home that had a huge, open backyard. My roommate called me outside as I was inspecting the living room. “Hey, check this out,” she yelled. “We’ve got our own drop zone back here!”

我和我的室友都是空降兵上尉工程师。当我们在找一个新的住房的时候，找到一个有很大的开放式后院的房子。我还在看客厅的时候，我的室友在外面叫我：“嘿，快来看哪，我们有自己的着陆区了！”

590　Get lost! 走迷路吧！

Seen on a Coast Guard bumper sticker: “Support Search and Rescue…Get Lost!”

海岸卫队贴在汽车保险杠上的标语写道：“我们支援搜索和救援行动，……走迷路吧！”

591　Cleared for departure 无障碍，可起飞

My father, a retired Air Force pilot, often sprinkles his conversation with aviation jargon. I didn’t realize what flying had meant to him until the day he showed me the folder with his last will and testament. It was labeled “Cleared for departure.”

我的父亲是退休的空军飞行员。他在讲话的时候常常会带一些航空的行话。不过，我并没有真正理解飞行对于他究竟意味着什么，直到最近他给我看他最后的遗嘱。这个文件夹上贴着“无障碍，可起飞（可离开）”的标签。

592　I’m in sales, not production 我是在销售部，不是在生产部

The battle staff meeting is discussing the plan to move the Marines north for cold weather exercises. “General,” an officer spoke up, “there’s no snow in the forecast.” The general called out to a member. “Chaplain, I believe that’s your department.” “With all due respect, sir,” said the chaplain, “I’m in sales, not production.”

作战核心成员会议正在讨论海军陆战队到北方进行寒冷气候演习的计划。一位军官说：“将军，天气预报说没有雪。”将军对一位与会者说：“牧师，我相信这归你的部门管。”牧师说：“尊敬的长官，我是在销售部，不是在生产部。”（注：将军认为牧师应该祷告下雪。而牧师认为他的责任是劝人信神。）

593　Don’t you remember what comes next? 你不记得接下去该干什么了吗？

The day I arrived for basic training I was immediately assigned guard duty. Soon after, I was approached by an officer. “Halt! Who goes there?” I shouted. The officer identified himself and waited for a response. And waited. “What’s wrong, soldier, don’t you remember what comes next?” “No,” I yelled back. “And you’re not taking another step until I do.”

我到达基本训练营的当天就被派去站岗。不久，一位军官向我走来。我喊道：“站住！谁往那里去？”那位军官报了他的身份，并且等着我的回应，等着……“当兵的，怎么回事？你不记得接下去该干什么了吗？”我喊回去：“不记得了。在我想起来以前，你什么都不准干！”

594　It’s a banjo 这是班卓琴

I am getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee. “What’s that?” I asked, unable to make out the design. “It’s a banjo,” he said sheepishly. “I’m from Alabama.”

我正在帮助一个退休的海军军士长从轮椅上出来，我注意到他的膝盖上有一个刺青。我看不出来这图样是什么，就问他：“那是什么？”他不好意思地说：“这是班卓琴，我是从阿拉巴马州来的。”

595　Navy and Marine 海军和海军陆战队

At the maritime museum we occasionally use midshipmen to do the “dirty work” of restoring a 100-year-old cruiser. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three. Teasing one Navy midshipman, I said, “You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?” “Sir, no, sir,” he snapped back. “The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!”

在海事博物馆我们有时候使用海军学校的学生来做恢复百岁巡洋舰的“脏活”。有一天，海军派来了20个人，而海军陆战队只派来三个。我取笑一个海军学校的学生说：“你是说要20个海军的人才能抵得上三个海军陆战队员？”他反击说：“不，长官，不是这样。事实上，是要六七个海军的人才能管得住一个海军陆战队员。”

596　Why do I hear voices in my head? 我为什么在我的头里听见声音？

In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used actually belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, she referred to the stuff in our footlockers as “my trash,” and to the racks we slept in as “my racks.” One time when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making “head calls,” our drill instructor must have overheard us. To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, “Why do I hear voices in my head?”

在海军陆战队基本训练营我很快就明白了，我们这些新兵用的东西实际上都属于训练教官。比如，她把我们锁柜里的东西都称为“我的垃圾”；把我们的行军床称为“我的行军床”。有一次，我们都在厕所里小声地说“悄悄话”的时候被训练教官听到了。她突然大喊起来，把我们吓一跳：“我为什么在我的头里听见声音？”

XI.　老人笑话

597　Hearing Problems 重听

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

一个老头有重听的毛病已经好几年了。他去找医生，医生给他配了一副助听器，使他可以100%听见。过了一个月，他回到医生那里。医生说：“你的听力非常好。你家里的人一定很高兴。”老头回答说：“我还没有告诉他们。我只是坐在那里听他们说。我已经把遗嘱修改三次了。”

598　Jog my memory 提醒我一下

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Mark says to Tom, “Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too.” Tom says, “Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?” Mark says, “You’ll have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?” Tom says, “How about rose?” “Yes, yes, that’s it!” cries Mark, then calls ahead to his wife. “Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?”

两对老夫妇在一起走，太太们在前，丈夫们在后。马克对汤姆说：“哎呀，我们昨天晚上去了一家新的餐馆，从来没吃过这么好的菜。价钱也公道。”汤姆说：“我们也想出去吃饭。那家餐馆叫什么名字？”马克说：“这，你得稍稍帮我一下。那种很漂亮、闻起来很甜、在带刺的灌木上长的那种花叫什么名字？”汤姆说：“是不是玫瑰？”马克大叫起来：“对对对，就是玫瑰。”然后他就喊前面走着的太太：“玫瑰，玫瑰，我们昨天晚上吃饭的那家餐馆叫什么名字？”

599　First Hotel Stay 头一次住旅馆

Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. “Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, but that don’t mean I’m stupid! I paid good money, and this room won’t do at all! It’s too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there’s not even a bed!” The bellboy looks at her and says, “Ma’am, this isn’t your room, it’s the elevator.”

老奶奶头一次进城，她在旅馆开了一间房间。旅馆的男侍者拿起她的行囊，她跟在后面。门关上以后，她看了一圈，挥舞着拳头对侍者说：“小伙子，我可能老了，山里人，但是我不蠢。我花了大价钱，而这间房间根本不行。它这么小，通风不良。为什么连一张床都没有？”那个男侍者看着她说：“夫人，这不是你的房间。这是电梯。”

600　When I was your age 我在你这个年纪的时候

A young man was golfing with an old gentleman. When they reached the 9th fairway, the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smacked into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

一个小伙子和一个老头在一起打高尔夫。当他们打第九个洞的时候，小伙子发现自己面临一个困难的局面：在他的球和绿地之间正好有一棵高大的松树挡着。小伙子对如何打这个球盘算了好几分钟。最后，那个老头说：“我在你这个年纪的时候，我把球直接从树顶上打过去。”有了这么一个挑战在前面，小伙子猛力挥动球杆，球飞起来，正好打在树干的顶部，反弹回来，掉在离原来位置不到一尺的地方。那个老头补充说：“当然啰，我在你这个年纪的时候，这棵松树只有三尺高。”

601　I need to know where I’m going 我得知道我要到哪里去

Father Martin is an absent-minded professor. He often filled in for sick priests at other parishes, and one Saturday he found himself on a train to a new destination, frantically searching his pockets for his ticket. “Forget about it, Father,” said the conductor, recognizing him as a regular. “I’m sure you paid for a ticket.” “I can’t forget about the ticket,” Father Martin replied nervously. “I need to know where I’m going.”

马丁神父是一个心不在焉的教授。他经常为其他教区生病的神父当替班。一个星期六，他在一辆通往新的目的地的火车上，发疯似的翻他的口袋寻找火车票。列车员认出他是个常客，就说：“神父，不用找了。我肯定你已经买了票了。”马丁神父神经紧张地回答说：“我不能不找。我得知道我要到哪里去。”

602　Wrong Direction 算错方向

When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility. “So what changed your mind?” I asked him. “I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and a woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, ‘You’re interested in someone who’s 104?’”

当我还是二十多岁女大学生的时候，我和我的学习搭档关系不错。他是一个64岁的老头，返回学校来完成他的学位。他坦白说，他曾经一度想过有没有可能使我们之间的关系比友谊更进一步。“那么什么事情使你改变主意了呢？”我问。“我去看我的医生，问他是不是认为男女之间相差40岁是无法克服的呢。他看了看我的病历说：‘你对104岁的人感兴趣？’”

603　Live longer 比较长寿

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are you trying to kick the habit?” “No,” I replied, “I’ve got a cold and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.” “You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”

我去看我妈妈的时候，她注意到我在两个小时之内没有吸烟。她问我：“你是不是准备要戒掉这个习惯？”我回答说：“不是。我得了感冒。我觉得不太舒服的时候就不吸烟。”她说：“看来，你如果生病多一些，可能会活得长一些。”

604　How will I manage after that? 但是那以后我怎么办？

My mother, who is 93, lives simply but comfortably in an assisted-living home. Even though she has ample savings, she is always worried about the state of her finances. I tried to ease her mind by telling her, “I’ve calculated that, given your expenses, you have enough money for at least the next 16 years.” “That’s fine,” Mom replied, “but how will I manage after that?”

我妈妈今年93岁，在一个老人院过着简单而又舒服的生活。虽然她有足够的存款，但是她总是担心她的经济状况。为了使她放心，我对她说：“我已经算过了。根据你现在的开支，你的钱至少够用16年。”妈妈回答说：“挺好。但是那以后我怎么办？”

605　You were coughing in your sleep 你睡觉的时候在咳嗽

After my first child was born, my mother came to stay with me for a few weeks to help out, but I still woke up whenever the baby made the slightest sound during the night. One morning, I groggily asked my mom, “How long before I stop hearing every noise the baby makes?” Mom was obviously only half-listening. “Honey, are you coming down with something?” she asked. “You were coughing in your sleep.”

我生了第一个孩子以后，我妈妈到我家来住几个星期照顾月子。但是，晚上即使小婴孩发出最细微的声音，我也会醒过来。一天早上，我虚弱地问妈妈：“还要过多久我才会听不见孩子发出的声音？”妈妈显然没有认真在听。她问我：“宝贝，你是不是病了？你睡觉的时候在咳嗽。”

606　Can you give me a push? 你能不能帮我推一把？

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time of night,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk. “Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But the guy was drunk.” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” says the wife, “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” And he hears a voice cry out “Yeah, please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

一个男人和他的太太在睡觉，有人敲他的门。他翻身看了一下钟，凌晨三点半。他想：“半夜三更的我可不愿意起来。”他又翻了一个身。门敲得更响了。她太太说：“你能不能去应一下门？”于是，他把自己从床上拖下来，走到楼下。他打开门，看见一个男人站在门口。他很快就看出那个人喝醉了。陌生人含糊不清地说：“你好。你能不能帮我推一把？”“不行，滚开，现在是凌晨三点半，我在睡觉。”他说，并且“砰”的一下把门关上。他又回到床上，告诉他太太是怎么一回事。他太太说：“你这样可不好。你还记不记得上次下大雨的时候，我们的车抛了锚，你只好去敲门找人帮我们重新发动。如果那个人也让我们滚开，那会怎么样？”丈夫说：“可他喝醉了。”太太说：“这没关系。他需要我们的帮助。去帮助他是基督徒该做的事。”于是，丈夫又起床，穿上衣服，走到楼下。他打开门，可是那个陌生人不在了。他大喊道：“喂，你还需要推一把吗？”他听见有人喊：“是的。”但是他还是看不见，就喊：“你在哪里？”那个陌生人回答说：“我在这里。在你们的秋千架上。”

607　Never get any exercise 再不能锻炼身体了

My parents had one of those old-time rotary telephones. Once, I misdialed a long-distance number and had to do it all over again. “Mom,” I asked in frustration, “why don’t you replace this thing with a touch-tone phone?” “If we did,” my mother said, “your father would never get any exercise.”

我的父母有一台老式的拨号式的电话机。有一次我打长途电话，拨错了一个号，只好从头再来一遍。我沮丧地问：“妈，你们为什么不换一台按键式的电话机呢？”我妈说：“如果我们换了，那你爸爸就不能再锻炼身体了。”

608　We may not have 45 minutes 我们可能没有45分钟了

Because we had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my wife and I were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” I told the maitre. “We may not have 45 minutes.” We were seated immediately.

由于我们没有预先在一家生意兴隆的餐馆订位，他们告诉我和太太要等45分钟才有座位。我告诉那个领班说：“小伙子，我们俩都90岁了，我们可能没有45分钟了。”他马上给我们安排了座位。

609　We have sound now 现在我们的电影有声音了

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. Handing the attendant $7, he couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movies, the ticket was only 25 cents.” “Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

许多年来第一次，一个老头从乡下小镇进城来看电影。给服务员付了七元钱，他忍不住评论说：“上一次我来看电影，票价只有25美分。”那个服务员咧嘴笑着说：“嗯，先生。你会很享受的。现在我们的电影有声音了。”

610　You didn’t have that problem 你没有那样的问题

“Your grandmother and I are going out to dinner,” I said to my teenage daughter, Lisa. “Do you want to join us?” “No way,” she answered grumpily. “I’m going to stay home and study.” That evening my mother asked if Lisa was feeling well. “She’s okay,” I said, “just a little cranky.” “Intelligent children can be very temperamental,” my mother sighed. “I am lucky that you didn’t have that problem.”

我对我十几岁的女儿丽莎说：“我和你姥姥一起出去吃晚饭，你要不要和我们一起去？”她烦躁地回答：“我才不去呢。我呆在家里学习。”那天晚上我妈问我丽莎是不是生病了。我说：“没有。她只是脾气有点坏。”我妈叹了一口气说：“聪明的孩子会喜怒无常。我很幸运，你没有那样的问题。”

611　It’s a lie detector 这是测谎器

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, I rushed to her home. Placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen, I began to gather her information. “What’s your age?” I asked. “Fifty-eight,” answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. “What does that do?” “It’s a lie detector,” I said with a straight face. “I am sixty-seven.”

当一个妇人打911电话说她呼吸困难，我马上赶到了她家里。我把一个测量脉搏和血液含氧量的传感器夹在她的手指上，然后开始收集她的信息。我问：“你多大年纪？”病人回答说：“58岁。”看着手指上那个“嘀嘀”叫的装置，她问：“这是干什么的？”我一脸严肃地说：“这是测谎器。”“我67岁。”

612　Who is this? 你是谁？

I didn’t think I had been gone that long. After 20 months overseas, my ship arrived in San Diego and, as soon as I got ashore, I phoned home. “Hi, Mom!” I said. “Who is this?” she answered. Hello! I’m your only child.

我不觉得走了有那么长时间。我们的船在海外20个月，终于回到了圣地亚哥。一靠岸我就给家里打电话。我说：“妈妈，你好！”她问：“你是谁？”嘿，我是你唯一的孩子！

613　Not him. He’s the second son. 不是他。他是老二。

Longtime friends were celebrating their 50th anniversary. One of their sons gave a loving toast, finishing with, “and thank you for having such a beautiful marriage.” “Thank you for making it necessary,” the father joked. In the silence that followed, his wife whispered, “Not him. He’s the second son.”

我们的老朋友庆祝他们的金婚纪念日。他们的一个儿子致了长长的贺词。其结束语是：“感谢你们有那么美好的婚姻。”这时候老爸开玩笑说：“感谢你使这婚姻成为必要。”在接下来的冷场中，老太太耳语说：“不是他。他是老二。”

614　Not just one car 不是只有一辆

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Mike, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!” “It’s not just one car,” said Mike, “It’s hundreds of them!”

一个老年人正沿着高速公路驾驶，他的车载电话响了。一接电话就听到他太太急促的声音警告他：“麦克，我刚听新闻说，280公路上有一辆车逆向行驶。你要小心。”麦克说：“不是只有一辆，有好几百辆。”

615　It makes sense 说得有道理

I kept trying to get my mother to fly out for a visit. “No way am I getting on an airplane,” was the inevitable answer. “Look, Mom, when it’s your time to go, it doesn’t matter whether you’re on the ground or in the air.” “I know,” said my mother. “I just don’t want to be that far off the ground when it’s the pilot’s time to go.”

我一直试图说服我妈坐一次飞机。而她每一次必定的回答是：“让我上飞机？没门儿！”“妈，您看。如果是大限到了，在地上、在空中都一样。”我妈说：“这我懂。我只是不愿意在离地面这么远的时候，飞行员的大限到了。”

616　A Bright Side of Life 往好的方面想

Being able to look on the bright side of life was something I always admired about my grandfather. Even after receiving the terrible diagnosis that he had Alzheimer’s, he was philosophical. “There’s one good thing that’ll come from this,” he told my father. “What’s that?” asked Dad. “Now I can hide my own Easter eggs.”

我总是羡慕我爷爷一切事情都能往好的方面想。即使在被诊断得了老年痴呆症以后，他仍然非常乐观。他对我爸爸说：“得了老年痴呆症也有好处。”我爸爸问：“什么好处？”“我可以自己给自己藏复活节的鸡蛋了。”

617　Grandpa from McDonald’s 麦当劳的外公

For years I had been telling my friend that he ate too much fast food, but he always denied it. One day he admitted I was right. “What changed your mind?” “My grandson. When my daughter told him I was coming to visit, he asked, ‘Grandpa from Florida, or Grandpa from McDonald’s?’”

许多年以来，我一直告诉我的朋友，他吃快餐太多。但他总是否认。有一天，他承认我说对了。“是什么让你改变了？”“是我的外孙。当我女儿告诉他，我要去看他们的时候，我的外孙问：‘是佛罗里达的外公还是麦当劳的外公？’”

618　I look like I’m a hundred 我看起来有一百岁

My mother turned 99 years old, I went to her birthday party and took some photos. A few days later, I brought the whole batch of prints to her so she could choose her favorite. “Good Lord,” she said as she was flipping through them, “I look like I’m a hundred.”

我的妈妈99岁了。我去给她祝寿，并且拍了许多照片。过了几天，我把所有的照片都拿去给她看，让她选她所喜欢的。她把照片都翻了一遍以后说：“我的天，我看起来有一百岁。”

619　Give you a hearing test 测一下你的听力

Once a very prim and proper older lady went to her doctor. “Doctor,” she said, “I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you’ve got to help me! What can we do?” “Well,” said the doctor raising his voice a little, “I think the first thing we’re going to do is give you a hearing test.”

有一个很古板、很正统的老太太去看医生。她说：“医生，我有一个很糟的放屁的毛病。昨天下午我和国务卿以及他的太太一起吃午饭，我有六次无声的气体发散。昨天晚上我和州长以及他的太太一起吃晚饭，我有四次无声的气体发散。刚才在你候诊室等候的时候，我有五次无声的气体发散。医生，你一定要帮助我。我们该怎么办？”医生提高一点嗓门说：“嗯，我想我们首先要做的，是测一下你的听力。”

620　Awfully low-cut 领子开得太低

On our way to my parents’ house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. “Isn’t that skirt a bit short?” I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those “Oh, Mom” looks. When we arrived at my folks’ place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and said, “Don’t you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?”

一天傍晚，在去我父母家吃饭的途中，我看了一眼15岁的女儿，问：“这裙子是不是太短了？”她把眼睛往上一翻，用“啊呀，妈”那种眼光看了我一眼。当我们到达父母家的时候，我妈妈在门口欢迎我们，拥抱了我的女儿，然后转过身来对我说：“你不觉得这件上衣领子开得太低了吗？”

621　We’re waiting for you to leave 我们是在等你们走

Residents of a local nursing home loved our karate school’s demonstration. We could tell because they gave us a big hand at the end. After the applause died down, everyone remained seated, so we showed off a few more moves. When our encore ended and again no one budged, we launched into our second encore. “I didn’t expect karate to be so popular here,” I whispered to one resident. “It’s not,” she said with a kindly smile. “We’re waiting for you to leave so we can get on with our bingo game.”

我们附近一家老人护理中心的老人们喜爱我们空手道学校的表演。从他们在我们表演结束的时候的热烈掌声，我们就可以听出来。掌声停下来之后，人们都在原地坐着，所以我们又练了几套。在加演的节目结束之后，人们还没有要离开的意思。我们只好又演第二套加演节目。我小声地对我旁边的老人说：“没想到你们这么喜欢空手道。”她面带善良的笑容回答说：“我们不喜欢。我们是在等你们走，然后可以玩宾戈游戏。”

622　I wasn’t listening 我根本就没在听

A local cable-news crew came to interview me in my job as a coordinator for a country victim/witness-assistance program. I called my mother, told her the broadcast time, and asked her to give me her take on the show. She was very excited about her daughter being on TV. Later, my mother phoned and said, “It was just on and you looked so cute!” “Great, Mom,” I replied, “But did I sound professional, like I knew what I was talking about?” “Gee, I don’t know,” she said. “I wasn’t listening.”

我们当地的有线电视台新闻节目组采访了我这个乡村受害人/证人互助团体协调人。我打电话给我妈，告诉她节目播出时间，让她帮我看看有什么缺点。她对于女儿上电视颇为兴奋。后来，她打电话给我说：“刚播完。你看着那么好看。”我说：“太好了。不过，我说的是不是很专业？好像我懂得我在说些什么？”她说：“啊呀！我不知道。我根本就没在听。”

623　If you’re that surprised 如果你那样喜出望外

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Mike, was constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. “Hey, Mike,” I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. “Look! I found some chili.” Struggling to be polite, he said, “If you’re that surprised, I’m not really sure I want it.”

我的十几岁的孙子麦克也和其他正在长身体的男孩一样，一天到晚总是饿。我到冰箱那里看看有没有什么他爱吃的东西。我乱翻了一阵，把牛奶和果汁盒子挪到一边，找到一碗吃剩的辣椒。我兴奋地喊起来：“嗨，麦克！”他冲进厨房。“瞧，我找到了一些辣椒。”他尽量有礼貌地耸耸肩膀说：“如果你那样喜出望外，我想我不能吃。”

624　Analyze everything to death 把一切都分析到死

My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially those in her family. One day we were talking about one relative’s bad luck. “Why do you suppose she changed jobs?” she asked. “Maybe she has a subconscious desire not to succeed.” “Or maybe it just happened,” said I, exasperated. “Do you know you analyze everything to death?” Mother was silent for a moment. “That’s true,” she said. “Why do you think I do that?”

我妈总是想要揣摩别人的动机，尤其是家里这些人。有一天，我们谈起一个亲戚的不幸遭遇。她问我：“你为什么认为她是换了工作？或许她有一种潜意识的愿望不要成功。”我挺不高兴地说：“也许就这么发生了。你知不知道你把一切都分析到死了？”妈妈沉默了一会儿，说：“确实。为什么你认为我这样？”

625　What did you teach? 你是教什么的？

While waiting in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. “Yes,” he replied. “When did you graduate?” I asked. He answered, “In 1957.” “Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

我在我的新牙医的接待室等候的时候，看到证书上有他的全名。我想起大约40年前我们高中班上一个大个子男生就是这个名字。然而，一看见他我马上就打消了这种念头。这个秃顶、白头发、脸上皱纹那么深的老头不可能是我的同班同学。他给我检查完牙齿之后，我问他是不是在本地的一所高中念过。他说：“是。”我问：“哪一年毕业的？”他回答：“1957年。”我大喊起来：“啊，你是在我的班上！”他仔细地看看我，然后问：“你是教什么的？”

626　The Services of an Attorney 律师的服务

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, “My son is a lawyer.” As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. “Only to mow my lawn.”

当我妈妈被抽到去陪审团服务的时候，她很自信能回答预选陪审团时会问到的问题。被问到家里人的职业，妈妈回答说：“我儿子是一个律师。”接下来的问题是她是否用过律师的服务。她回答说：“只用来割我的草坪。”

627　I thought I went deaf 我以为我聋了呢

An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over. “What seems to be the trouble young man?” asked the old gentleman. As the officer said, “Excuse me sir, but didn’t you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?” To which the old gentleman exclaimed, “Thank you son, I thought I went deaf.”

有一天，一个农村的老绅士和他的太太一起开车出去。警察让他停下来。他问：“年轻人，有什么麻烦事吗？”警察说：“对不起，先生。你没有注意到你的太太从车里掉出去了吗？”老绅士大声说：“孩子，谢谢你。我以为我聋了呢。”

628　Frustrated Customers 沮丧的顾客

The speaker at my bank’s drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers. One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window, leaned out of her car and smacked the glass in front of my face. “Hope this is bulletproof,” she yelled. There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so I was touched by her concern. “It is,” I yelled back. “Good,” she continued, “because someone is going to shoot you if you don’t get that speaker fixed.”

我们银行的免下车服务窗口的喇叭已经坏了好几个星期了。我们这些银行职员只好求助于打手势或者写条子才能和沮丧的顾客沟通。有一天，一位每个星期都看见的和蔼的老太太开到我的窗口前，从她的车里探出头来，敲敲我面前的玻璃，大声说：“希望这是防弹玻璃。”由于在附近的银行刚发生了一起抢劫案件，所以我很感激她的关心，大声喊回去说：“是的，这是防弹玻璃。”她继续说：“这就好。因为你们如果再不把喇叭修好，有人要开枪打你们。”

629　Old Man and the Chicken 老人和鸡

For years I’ve been getting a terrific rotisserie chicken from a nearby restaurant. One night as I placed an order to go, I told the girl behind the counter, “I’ll pick it up later. Do you want my name?” “Oh, no,” she said. “I’ve seen you come in here a lot.” Then she scribbled something on a piece of paper. Feeling flattered, I happily went out. When I grabbed my order, I glanced at her note on the bag: “Old man in the pink shirt.”

许多年来，我一直在附近的一家餐馆里买美味的旋转炉烤鸡。一天晚上，我订了一只鸡要带走。我告诉账台小姐：“我过一会儿来取。要不要留我的名字？”小姐说：“不用了。我经常看见你来这儿。”然后她在一张纸上面草草写了几个字。我觉得受到了奉承，高高兴兴地走了。当我回来取货的时候，看到她贴在口袋上的纸条：“穿粉红色衬衣的老头。”

630　Don’t be nervous 不要紧张

An old Jewish man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. It was his demand that his son, a renowned surgeon, performs the operation. He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

一个犹太老头躺在手术台上准备手术。是他要求由他的儿子、一个有名望的外科医师来操刀的。正要麻醉的时候，他要求和他的儿子说话。“爸爸，什么事？”“不要紧张。尽力而为。只要记住：如果手术不成功，我出了什么事，你妈就会来与你和你的妻子住在一起。”

631　Old Tradition and New Technology 老传统和新技术

The 104-year-old building that had served as the student residence of the small Catholic university was about to be demolished. As the wrecker’s ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the monks. “The tradition associated with that building, Father,” I said. “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.” “It’s worse than that,” the monk replied. “I left my Palm Pilot in there.”

在一所小型天主教大学里用作学生宿舍104年的建筑要被拆除了。当拆房的大球开始打击的时候，我可以感觉到一位修道士所经历的焦虑和悲哀。我说：“神父，传统和这座建筑物相联系。我很难想象这对你有多难。”这位修道士回答说：“比这更糟。我把我的掌上电脑落在里面了。”

632　Base Commander’s Mother 基地司令官的妈

Tax day—April 15—was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. “Why so many?” I asked. “My son is stationed overseas,” she said. “He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base.” “You shouldn’t have to do this,” I told her. “It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.” “I know,” said the woman. “I’m the base commander’s mother.”

报税的日子4月15日快到了。一个老妇人来到我在国税局的办公桌前。她说她需要一厚打报税表格。我问：“为什么要这么多？”她说：“我的儿子在海外驻军。他让我替基地的士兵们拿表格。”我告诉她说：“你不需要这么做。这是基地司令官的职责，保证他的部队有他们需要的表格。”老妇人说：“我知道。我就是基地司令官的妈。”

633　50/50 平分

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. They had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. The gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”

一个年轻人看见一对老夫妇坐在麦当劳里面吃午饭。他们买了一份午餐，外加一只饮料杯子。老头小心翼翼地把汉堡包切成两半，然后又分薯条，你一根，我一根，一直分到每人一半。他又把半杯软饮料倒进那只空杯子，放在太太的面前。然后，老头开始吃，而老太太双手交叉放在腿上看着老头吃。这个年轻人决定去问问他们，是不是允许他再给他们买一份。那老头说：“不。我们结婚已经50年了。每一样东西都是一半对一半平分。过去是这样，将来也这样。”年轻人接着问老太太是不是准备吃饭。老太太说：“现在轮到他戴上牙齿吃了。”

634　A 65-Year Old New Mother 65岁的新妈妈

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year old mother says “not yet.” A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says “not yet.” Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?” And the mother says, “When the baby cries.” And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” The new mother says, “Because I forgot where I put it.”

由于生育专家的帮助，一位65岁的老太太生了一个孩子。所有的亲戚们都来看他们家的这个新成员。当他们要求看孩子的时候，这位65岁的妈妈说：“还不行。”过了一会儿，他们又要求看这个孩子，这位妈妈又说：“还不行。”最后，人们问：“那我们什么时候才能看这个孩子呢？”这位妈妈说：“等孩子哭的时候。”人们问：“为什么要等到孩子哭的时候？”这位新妈妈说：“因为我忘了把孩子放在哪里了。”

635　Sprinkle a day 每天撒一点

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

一个人告诉他儿子一个秘密：要想长寿就每天早上在麦片粥里撒一点火药。他的儿子非常虔诚地遵循，一直活到93岁。当他死的时候，留下了14个儿女，28个孙儿女，35个曾孙儿女，加上火葬场墙上一个15尺的洞。

636　The Only Sensible Choice 唯一明智的选择

My grandmother was famous for her quick wit. Once, at a family event, my sister’s date asked if he could bring her a drink. “Yes. A Manhattan,” Grandmother said. “Okay, but you can’t be our designated driver,” the young man joked. “Oh, I don’t drive. Never did.” “Why is that?” he asked. “I knew that if you drink, you shouldn’t drive. So I made the only sensible choice.”

我的奶奶因说话风趣而闻名。在一次家庭聚会上，我妹妹的男朋友问奶奶，要不要给她带一点喝的。奶奶说：“好，要一杯曼哈顿酒。”小伙子开玩笑说：“那你就不可以当我们选派的司机了。”“啊，我不开车，从来不开车。”“为什么？”“我知道，如果你喝酒，你就不能开车。所以我就做唯一明智的选择。”

637　Newly Assigned Mission 最近指派的新任务

I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges. But what my father told his friend was, “She’s involved in some sort of escort service.”

我听到我爸爸给我们家的一个朋友讲美国海岸卫队最近指派给我的新任务。我在一艘快艇上工作，引导所有游轮和国际货轮从桥下通过。但是我爸爸告诉朋友的是：“她介入了某种护航任务。”

638　You followed me all the way here 你一路跟我到这里

Before shipping out to Europe with the Army Air Corps during World War II, I loaned my buddy $20. We two were assigned to different units and lost contact. Months later, my plane was shot down. Bleeding from shrapnel wounds, I bailed out and was greeted by German soldiers, who took me as a prisoner. After a long train ride, little food and days of forced mar-ching, I arrived at my assigned stalag. As I entered the compound, I heard a familiar voice. “You cheapskate! You followed me all the way here for a measly $20?”

第二次世界大战期间，在陆军航空兵被送往欧洲之前，我借给同伴20美元。我们俩被分配到不同的部队，失去了联系。几个月以后，我的飞机被击中。我多处中弹流血，跳了伞，被德军抓获，当了战俘。经过长途火车，几乎没有食物，并且强迫行军好几天，我到了指定的战俘营。一进入院子，我就听见一个熟悉的声音：“你这个小气鬼！你一路跟我到这里就为了区区20美元？”

639　What do you do for a living? 你是靠什么谋生的？

As a psychologist, my first job was working in a small clinic. One of my patients was a pleasant woman who needed emotional support because of some recurring health problems. After six months of treating her, I was really impressed with my work. In one session, my patient was reviewing her career and personal accomplishments over the last 50 years as a way to boost her self-esteem. Suddenly she paused and looked at me. “Honey,” she asked sweetly, “what was it again that you do for a living?”

我的第一个心理医生的工作是在一个小诊所里。我的一个病人是一个可爱的女人。她由于反复生病需要一些情绪上的支持。我给她治疗了六个月，我对自己的工作很有成就感。在一次治疗中，为了提升她的自尊，让她回忆50年来她的职业和个人成就。突然，她停住了，看着我，甜甜地问：“亲爱的，你再说一遍，你是靠什么谋生的？”

640　What’s the difference? 有区别吗？

I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter. Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, “For the show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?” Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, “What’s the difference?”

我想参加一场才艺表演，又不能决定表演什么。我相信我妈妈会帮我出主意，就问她：“参加才艺表演你觉得我应该做什么，是唱歌，还是喜剧表演？”她从报纸里抬起头来，干巴巴地说：“有区别吗？”

641　That’s a long time 这是一段漫长的时间

To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 50 years. “That’s a long time,” I observed. “A long, long time,” she agreed. Then she smiled. “Something just occurred to me.” “What’s that?” “If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I’d be out of jail by now.”

我和我的嫂子既震惊又恐惧地意识到，我们都已经结婚快50年了。我说：“这是一段漫长的时间。”她附和说：“非常非常长的时间。”然后她笑了。“我才想起一件事。”“什么事？”“如果当时按我心里想的把你哥哥杀了，现在我该可以从监狱里放出来了。”

642　You’re rushing things 你们是太性急了

We had just received the exciting news that our daughter was pregnant with her first child. So we decided to order a gift from a maternity store near her called Great Expectations. We checked the phone book and located a Great Expectations in our town. But when my wife went to the address, all she found was a storefront office. “Where are the clothes?” she asked the man sitting behind the front desk. With a very puzzled look on his face, the man responded, “Clothes?” “Maternity clothes.” “I think you’re rushing things,” he said. “This is a dating service.”

我们听到一个非常令人兴奋的消息，我们的女儿怀上了她的第一个孩子。我们决定从她附近的一个叫做“好希望”的孕妇用品商店订一样礼物送给她。我们查了电话号码本，找到我们镇上的“好希望”商店。但是，当我太太找到那个地址的时候，却只找到一个铺面的办公室。她问坐在前台的男人：“衣服在哪里？”那个男人脸上露出非常不解的表情，说：“衣服？”“孕妇衣服。”“我想你们是太性急了。我们是婚姻介绍所。”

643　A little late 有点太晚了

As I placed my purchases on the grocery store counter, the checker smiled and asked, “A little late, aren’t you?” I didn’t get what she was talking about at first—until I looked at the items I was buying: an inexpensive pair of reading glasses and a big bag of carrots.

我把要买的东西放在杂货铺的收银台上，收款员微笑着说：“你是不是有点太晚了？”我开始没听明白她说什么，直到看了我所买的东西：一副廉价的老花镜和一大包胡萝卜。

644　Get on it like a horse 像（骑）马那样跨上去

One day, an older man came in our fitness equipment store and wanted to try one of our elliptical machines. I was concerned he might fall, so I said, “Put your foot on the lower pedal and get on it like a horse.” “A horse,” he quipped, “would never get on one of these.”

一天，一位老人走进我们的健身器材商店，想试用一下我们的一台椭圆形机器。我怕他摔下来，就对他说：“把你的脚踩在下面这个踏板上，像（骑）马那样跨上去。”他幽默地说：“马不会上这样的机器。”

645　Cum Laude Family Cum Laude一家

Both sides of the family turned out for my wife’s college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diplomas, he requested, “Will all the cum laudes please stand?” My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, “The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids.”

我们家两边的亲戚倾巢而出，参加我太太的大学毕业典礼。教务长在发完毕业证书以后说：“请所有的cum laudes起立”。我的岳母凑过来小声说：“Cum Laude一家有这么多孩子。”（cum laudes：拉丁语，优秀学生）

646　A Retired Man’s Day 退休以后的生活

For over 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. “How has life changed?” I asked. He replied, “Well, I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done.”

四十多年来，我的爷爷每天都工作很长时间。我非常好奇他在退休以后怎么打发他的时间。我问他：“生活变化得怎么样？”他回答说：“嗯，每天早上起床，没什么事情可做。每天晚上上床，事情只做了一半。”

647　Amazing Memory 惊人的记忆力

One guy heard of an Indian with an amazing memory, so he decided to visit him. He went to the Indian and asked him, “What did you eat for breakfast on July 2, 1961?” The Indian replied, “Eggs.” The same man came back 10 years later to see the Indian again. He greeted him by saying, “How?” The Indian said, “Fried.”

一个人听说一个印第安人有惊人的记忆力，就决定去拜访他。他见到那个印第安人就问他：“1961年7月2日早饭吃什么？”印第安人回答：“鸡蛋。”同一个人十年以后又来见这个印第安人。一见面就问：“怎么做的？”印第安人回答：“油炸的。”

648　She didn’t bend for most of her life 她大半辈子没有弯腰

My friend’s mother is a proper Southern lady and a passionate gardener who spends hours outside with her plants. In her neighborhood, where she has lived most of her life, no one has fences and every yard is open to the next. Recently one of her longtime neighbors, an elderly man, moved away. “Are you going to miss him?” my friend asked. “Actually I’m relieved,” her mother replied. “Now I can bend over.”

我朋友的妈妈是个循规蹈矩的南方妇人。她是一个敬业的花匠，每天花费好几个小时侍弄她的植物。在她居住了大半生的地方，大家都没有围栏，每一块地都是开放式的。最近，一个和她邻居多年的老头搬走了，我朋友问他的妈妈会不会想他。他妈妈说：“实际上我松了一口气。现在我可以弯腰干活了。”

XII.　青少年笑话

649　Can we drink beer on the beach? 我们可以在海滩喝啤酒吗？

Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, “Can we drink beer on the beach?” “Sure,” she said, “but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first.”

我和太太到达度假村的第一天就决定到海滩上去。我回到我们的房间拿饮料的时候，一个旅馆女服务员正在整理我们的床铺。我抓了一个保温箱就要往外走。这时我停了一下，问：“我们可以在海滩上喝啤酒吗？”她说：“当然可以。不过我得先收拾完其他房间才行。”

650　Practicing my trumpet 我在练习吹喇叭

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone. “Hello,” she whispered. “Hi, honey. How’s your mother?” I asked. “She’s sleeping,” she answered, again in a whisper. “Did she go to the doctor?” I asked. “Yes. She got some medicine,” my niece said softly. “Well, don’t wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?” Again in a soft whisper, she answered, “Practicing my trumpet.”

我的姐姐病了，我打电话去看看她好一点没有。我的十岁的外甥女接电话，轻声地说：“喂。”我问她：“乖乖，你妈妈的病怎么样了？”她仍然轻声地说：“她在睡觉。”我问：“她去看医生了吗？”我的外甥女小声地说：“去了。拿了一点药回来。”“嗯，不要叫醒她。就说我打过电话了。顺便问一句，你在干什么呢？”她依然小声地说：“我在练习吹喇叭。”

651　A trick does long way 颇费周折的花招

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, afterschool enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “A lousy quarter?” The drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

一个聪明的老绅士退休以后在一所初级中学附近买了一座小房子。开始几个星期，日子过得平静而又满足。然后，新学期开始了。就在第二天下午，三个充满青春活力和课后热情的男孩子沿着这条街走来。他们快乐地敲打他们所遇到的每一个垃圾桶。这种喧闹的打击乐器日复一日，直到有一天这个聪明的老绅士觉得是采取一点行动的时候了。

第二天下午，当这几位青年打击乐手敲敲打打地过来的时候，他出门去迎他们。他让他们停下来，说：“你们这些孩子真能找乐子。我喜欢看你们这样表达你们的青春活力。事实上，我像你们的年龄时也常做这些事。我想请你们帮一个忙。如果你们答应每天都过来做这件事，那么我给你们每人一块钱。”这几个孩子兴高采烈地答应了。于是每天继续敲打垃圾桶。

过了几天，老头又来见这些孩子。但是，这一次他哭丧着脸对他们说：“经济紧缩实在打击我的收入。从现在起，我只能给你们五毛钱了。”这些噪音制造者显然不高兴，不过还是接受了。继续他们下午的喧闹。

又过了几天，当这些孩子沿街敲敲打打地过来的时候，这个聪明的老头又来见他们。他说：“瞧，我还没有收到我的社会保险支票。因此我最多能给你们两毛五。这样行不行？”这支队伍的头儿大叫起来：“就给两毛五？如果你认为我们会为了两毛五来沿街敲打垃圾桶浪费时间，那你就太蠢了。没门，老头。我们不干了！”于是这个老年人就可以安安稳稳地享受以后的日子了。

652　A Big Surprise 大出所料

In a remote village in West Africa, I befriended Alpha, one of the local men on our building crew. Alpha was impressed with my tool set and was amazed to find a woman working in construction. He’d bring extra rice and greens for lunch and we’d sit and talk. He asked about my husband, and I told him I wasn’t married. Alpha said he wanted sons and that he would marry soon. He wondered whether I’d stay in his country, and then surprised me by saying he had an important question for me. I was nervous about his impending marriage proposal, and the next day Alpha was solemn as he asked if I was ready to answer his question. I nodded. “When you go back to America,” he said, “may I have your trowel?”

在西非的一个村庄，我和阿尔法交上了朋友。他是在我们建筑工程队工作的当地人。阿尔法对于能在建筑工程队看到一个女人十分惊讶，对于我的成套工具赞叹不已。他常多带一些米饭和蔬菜，我们就坐在一起交谈。他打听我的丈夫，我说我还没有结婚。阿尔法说他快要结婚了，他想要很多儿子。他问我会不会留在他们国家。然后出乎意料地对我说，他有一个重要问题要问我。我很紧张他会不会向我求婚。第二天，阿尔法表情庄重地问我是不是准备好回答他的问题。我点点头。他说：“当你回美国的时候，能不能把你的泥抹子送给我？”

653　He doesn’t hate you anymore 他不再恨你了

As the result of an explosive argument with our mother, my little brother pasted a sign reading “I hate Mom” on the door to his room, and slammed it shut. My dad, a school psychologist, came home after work to this tense standoff. “I’ll take care of it,” he confidently told Mom, and went into my brother’s room. Minutes later, Dad came out. “He doesn’t hate you anymore,” he reassured her. Sure enough, my brother had crossed out “Mom” on his sign. It now read “I hate Dad.”

我弟弟和妈妈发生了一场爆炸性的争吵，随后就在他的门上贴了一张条子：“我恨妈妈”，并且“砰”的一声关上了门。我爸爸在学校里当心理医生，下班回到家里看到这个紧张关系，很有信心地对妈妈说：“让我来处理。”然后就进了弟弟的房间。过了几分钟，爸爸出来了，安慰妈妈说：“他不再恨你了。”不错，弟弟把条子上“妈妈”两个字划掉了，变成了“我恨爸爸”。

654　No woman can get ready in ten minutes 没有女人能在十分钟就准备好的

Mike came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. “What’s the story this time, Mike?” his boss asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.” Mike sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. I swam across the river—see, my suit’s still damp—ran out to the airport, got a ride on helicopter, landed on top of City Music Hall.” “You’ll have to do better than that, Mike,” said the boss. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes!”

麦克在一星期之内已经第三次迟到一小时。他的上司嘲弄他说：“麦克，这一次是什么故事啊？能不能找一个新的借口让我们换换口味？”麦克叹了一口气说：“头儿，今天早上什么都不顺。太太决定送我去车站，她十分钟就准备好了。可是，活动吊桥卡住了。我游泳过了河。你瞧，我衣服还湿着呢。我跑步到飞机场，搭上直升机，停在市音乐厅的顶上。”上司说：“麦克，你该编得好一点。哪有女人能在十分钟就准备好的？”

655　Historical Points of Interest 历史景点

On a family vacation, we crossed Wyoming and visited several historical points of interest. The children were especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game “Oregon Trail,” which gives players a taste of the hardships the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt. Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, “This is where my oxen always die.”

我们全家度假的时候，穿过怀俄明州，参观了一些历史景点。孩子们对此特别感兴趣，因为他们喜欢玩一个叫做“俄勒冈小径”的电脑游戏，体会到先驱者所遭遇到的艰难。我们在著名的南入口处停留，看看尘土里依稀可见的四轮马车的轨辙。我女儿眯着眼睛看着这片荒凉的、风扫似的景色，点点头，严肃地说：“这就是我的牛群经常死去的地方。”

656　Very serious about math 对数学绝不马虎

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more. On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math—do the nuns punish you?” The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”

一个小姑娘数学不好。她妈妈把她转学到一所天主教学校，希望她的数学有进步。就在第一个评分阶段，她的数学学习就有了很大进步。为了能学得更多，她不去和小朋友玩，也不吃饭后的甜食。发成绩报告单的时候，她妈妈惊讶地发现她的数学得了A+。她的妈妈问她：“为什么你学习数学的态度有了这么大的转变？是不是修女们惩罚你们？”小姑娘回答说：“不是。不过当我看见墙上那个小男人被钉在加号上面，我知道这所学校对数学是绝不马虎的。”

657　Home Town 家乡

Like a lot of young people, I was eager to get out of the rural community where I was raised and move to the city. My boyfriend, on the other hand, wanted to stay put. “This place is booming,” he told me. “It’s not just a farm town anymore.” He almost had me convinced, until one afternoon when I dropped by the local laundromat. On a washing machine was posted the sign “For Horse Blankets Only.”

我和许多年轻人一样，很想离开生我养我的农村，搬到城里去。而我的男朋友却不想走。他说：“这里正在迅速发展。它不再是一个农业小镇了。”我都差不多要被他说服了。直到一天下午我到附近的一家自助洗衣店，看到一台洗衣机上贴着“洗马毯专用。”

658　A Surprise Visit 出乎意料的访问

Don’t ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this when I swung by my son’s campus during a business trip. Locating what I thought was his fraternity house, I rang the doorbell. “Yeah?” a voice called from inside. “Does John Smith live here?” “Yup,” the voice answered. “Leave him on the front porch. We’ll drag him in later.”

不要出乎意料地访问在大学里的孩子。出乎意料的可能倒是你自己。这是我这次出差途中顺便走访我儿子的校园后得出的结论。我找到了我认为是他住的男生宿舍的房子，按响了门铃。从里面传出来一个声音：“唔？”“约翰·史密斯住在这里吗？”那个声音回答说：“是。让他呆在前面门廊里吧。我们过一会儿会把他拽进来的。”

659　Don’t worry about dinner 不要担心晚饭

A fifteen-year-old boy came home and found his mom in bed. He asked if she were sick. Mom replied that, as a matter of fact, she didn’t feel too well. The son replied, “Well, don’t worry a bit about dinner. I’ll be happy to carry you down to the stove.”

一个15岁的男孩回到家里，发现他妈妈躺在床上。他问他妈妈是不是病了。妈妈说她觉得不舒服。儿子回答说：“嗯，你不要担心晚饭，我会很乐意背你到下面厨房去的。”

660　Encyclopedia 百科全书

A new student walked into our library and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. “What are all these books?” he asked. Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias. “Really?” he said. “Someone printed out the whole thing?”

一个新同学走进图书馆看了一眼书架上的百科全书，问：“这些书是什么？”我有点吃惊，回答说是百科全书。他说：“真的吗？有人把它整个都印出来了吗？”

661　A New Boyfriend 新交的男朋友

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.” “Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

一天晚上，一个十几岁的女孩带着她新交的男朋友去见她的父母。她的父母被他的外表吓住了：皮夹克、摩托车靴子、刺青和鼻环。后来，她的父母把她叫到一边，说出他们的担心。母亲委婉地说：“他看起来不是非常好。”女儿说：“哦，妈妈。他如果不好，怎么会做500小时社区服务呢？”（注：美国监狱人满为患，法庭给轻犯人的处罚通常是几百小时社区服务。）

662　Brooms and Witches 扫帚和巫婆

My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had had a party there the previous evening and she was none too happy about the mess. As she watched us work, it was clear Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked, “Can I use this or are you planning to go somewhere?”

我的妈妈有洁癖。一个星期六，她让我和我弟弟到楼下的游戏室去打扫。头一天晚上我们在那里聚会，我妈妈对那里的凌乱非常不高兴。当她看着我们干活的时候，显然她对我们所干的完全不满意，让我们重来。我弟弟生气了，拿来一把扫帚，说：“如果你再不走开，我就要用这个了。”

663　Always get double prints 总是洗两套

Dining out one evening, I noticed some teenagers celebrating at a nearby table. When one girl pulled out a camera, I offered to take a picture of the group. After one photo, I suggested taking another just in case the first one didn’t come out. “Oh, no, that’s okay,” she said, as she took back her camera. “I always get double prints.”

有一次在外面吃晚饭，我看到一些十几岁的少年在邻桌庆祝。一个女孩拿出相机，我提议由我来给他们拍集体照。拍了一张以后，我说再拍一张吧，万一这张没拍好。这个女孩把相机拿回去，说：“不用了。我每次都是洗两套照片的。”

664　Mr. Summertime 夏天先生

I grew up in a town on the shore and spent my summers at the beach, swimming, surfing, hanging out with friends. I loved the season so much that they began calling me Mr. Summertime. “What happens when summer is over?” someone asked. I thought for a minute, then said, “In September I become the Fall Guy.”

我是在一个海边小镇上长大的。整个夏天就在海滩游泳、冲浪、和朋友们一起闲逛。我是那样热爱夏天，同伴们称我是夏天先生。有人问：“那夏天过去了你怎么办？”我略想了一下说：“到九月我就变成秋天先生了。”

665　I’m going left 我要左转了

My teenage daughter was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, “Turn left here. And don’t forget to let the people behind you know what you’re doing.” She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, “I’m going left.”

第一次上驾驶课握方向盘，我女儿很紧张。当她开着车从停车场出来的时候，教练说：“在这里左拐。不要忘记告诉你后面的人你要干什么。”她转过头来对坐在后排的学生说：“我要左转了。”

666　Too Many Coffee Shops 咖啡店太多

Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during a visit to Manhattan. “This is the city that never sleeps,” I told my eleven-year-old daughter. “That’s probably because there’s a Starbucks on every corner,” she observed.

我们一家人在纽约曼哈顿旅游的时候被那里的景色和熙熙攘攘的人群搞得眼花缭乱。我告诉11岁的女儿说：“这是一座不眠的城市。”她观察说：“也许是因为每一个路口都有一家星巴克咖啡店的缘故。”

667　As soon as I dig a basement 一旦我挖好地下室

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she’d gone to heaven when she got my very patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, “Do you mind if we send someone out to give you an estimate?” “Not at all,” my son said. “When would be a good time?” “As soon as I dig a basement,” he replied.

向我非常有耐心的儿子推销地下室防水的电话推销员肯定是以为进了天堂。聊了好长时间，最后她问：“你在不在意我们派一个人上你那里去，给你估个价？”我儿子说：“可以啊。”“你什么时候方便？”他回答说：“一旦我挖好地下室。”

668　Lawnmower Man and His Left Foot 剪草的男人和他的左脚

I was cutting my lawn with a power mower when it slid down an embankment, lopped off a large chunk of my tennis shoe and badly nicked the tip of my left toe. Days later, I was at home recuperating on the couch when my friend called. “I thought I’d bring over a couple of videos to help pass the time,” he said. “Hey, thanks,” I said. “What are they?” “‘The Lawnmower Man’ and ‘My Left Foot’.”

我在用一台带动力的剪草机修剪草坪的时候，剪草机从围堤上滑下来，把我的网球鞋剪去一大块，刮伤了我的左脚脚趾头。隔了几天，我正在沙发上养伤，一个朋友打电话来。他说：“我想给你带两盒录像过去，让你消磨时光。”我说：“嘿，谢谢。它们是什么名字？”“《剪草的男人》和《我的左脚》。”

669　Loading. Please wait. 正在加载，请稍等。

I was talking about how addictive games on the Internet can be. “I know. I’ve been playing them way too much,” agreed my daughter. “Why do you say that?” I asked. “Just before I start dreaming at night, a blue strip appears with the words ‘Loading. Please wait.’”

我正在谈论互联网上的游戏多么容易上瘾，我女儿赞同地说：“我知道我玩得太多了。”我问她：“你为什么这样讲？”“晚上正当我要做梦的时候，一条蓝带子出现了。上面写着：‘正在加载，请稍等。’”

670　Save our trees 节省树木

Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver. Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the “Print” command. The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report. The topic is “Save Our Trees.”

孩子们总是嫌课堂里的电脑不够快。因为急着要交期末的作文，一个不耐烦的学生不停地点击“打印”命令。打印机就一份接一份地印他那十页很长的文章。而文章的标题是：“节省树木”。

671　Honesty 诚实

Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these days. I wasn’t surprised when one of my daughter’s friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. “Please don’t tell my parents,” she begged. “I won’t,” I promised. “By the way, what does that stand for?” “Honesty,” she said.

这年头，十几岁的小青年和刺青几乎已经密不可分了。所以，当我女儿的一个朋友让我看她臀部一个精致的小日本字的时候，我并没有大惊小怪。她央求我说：“不要告诉我的父母。”我说：“我不会告诉的。顺便问一句，这个符号代表什么意思？”她说：“诚实。”

672　The Skinniest Player 最瘦小的队员

At five-ten and 114 pounds, our son is the skinniest player on his high school football team. During one of his games, I remarked to a cousin, “I wonder why they gave him the uniform with the number 1 on it.” “It’s probably the only one that fits,” she said.

我们的儿子身高5尺10寸，体重114磅，是他们高中橄榄球队最瘦小的队员。在看他的一场比赛当中，我和一个表妹谈起：“我奇怪为什么他们让他穿一号球衣。”她说：“可能这是唯一他能穿的球衣。”

673　Playing for our team 替我们球队打球

Our high school has lots of spirit, but that didn’t help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when I saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands, I asked, “Don’t you think you girls should be down there cheering for your team?” “I think,” one of them said, “we should be down there playing for our team.”

我们高中有很多精神品质，但是却对我们的橄榄球队毫无帮助。他们至今还没有赢过一场比赛。所以，当我看见一帮拉拉队员坐在看台上，就问她们：“姑娘们，你们不觉得应该下到球场里给你们球队加油吗？”她们中的一个回答说：“我觉得我们应该下到球场里替我们球队打球。”

674　That record will stand forever 这个纪录永远不会被打破了

Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw. Noticing my surprise, the coach said, “That record will stand forever.” I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, “We stopped holding that event years ago.”

高中毕业十年以后回母校团聚，碰到以前的教练。我们穿过体育馆的时候，看到一块牌匾，上面刻着我的名字，我仍然是垒球投掷最远纪录保持者。注意到我的诧异，老教练说：“这个纪录永远不会被打破了。”我刚想谦虚几句说纪录的存在就是为了被打破，他补充说：“我们几年前就取消这项比赛了。”

675　The First Thing 第一件事

As she slid behind the wheel for her first driving lesson, my daughter couldn’t contain her excitement. “You need to make adjustments so the car is comfortable for you, the driver,” I began. “Now, what’s the first thing you should do?” “Change the radio station,” she said.

当她坐到方向盘后面准备上第一次驾驶课的时候，我女儿无法掩盖她的激动。我开始教她：“你需要作一些调整，这样你这个司机开起来才比较舒服。现在你要做的第一件事是什么呢？”她说：“收音机换台。”

676　They’re absolutely gorgeous 她们都绝对漂亮

A nurse was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang, and the boy’s mother reached over to pick it up. After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside, turned to the son and said, “Your dad is asking if you’ve got any cute nurses.” The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion. “Tell him,” he replied, “they’re absolutely gorgeous.”

一位女护士正在为一个15岁的男病人准备静脉注射。床边的电话铃响了。男孩的母亲过去接电话。讲了几分钟之后，母亲把电话放在一边，转过来对儿子讲：“你爸爸问你有没有看到好看的护士。”男孩盯着护士看了一会儿，护士正准备往他的胳膊里插针头。他说：“告诉他，她们都绝对漂亮。”

677　She got the job 她得到了这份工作

For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several daycare centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddy seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the daycare center director asked the standard question, “Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?” “Because I fit in the chairs.” She got the job.

我18岁的女儿为要找一份暑期工作，安排到几家日托中心去面试。在一次面试时，她坐在一把小椅子里。这是很多人都做不到的。面试进行得很顺利。最后，日托中心的头儿问了一个标准的问题：“你能不能给我一个我们应该雇佣你的理由？”“因为我能坐进这些椅子里去。”她得到了这份工作。

678　Pushed the wrong button 按错了按钮

Flying through the Midwest in the summertime means one thing: turbulence. Just after a teenager girl had entered the bathroom, we hit a patch of very rough air. After the bumps had subsided, she exited the bathroom, a look of sheer terror etched on her face. “Are you all right?” I asked. “That turbulence was so bad.” “So that’s what it was,” she said. “I thought I’d pushed the wrong button.”

夏季在美国中西部飞行就意味着一件事：涡流。一个十几岁的女孩刚进入厕所，我们的飞机就碰到一片非常不稳定的气流。等颠簸平息下来以后，她从厕所里出来了，一脸恐惧的模样。我问她：“你没事吧？这股涡流可够厉害的。”她说：“原来是这么一回事。我以为是因为我按错了按钮。”

679　Is that English? 这是英语吗？

I’m a high school geometry teacher and I started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.” I noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why. “Well,” he replied sincerely, “I’m waiting until you start speaking English.”

我是高中的几何老师。在上一堂关于三角形的课的时候，我开始念一个定理：“三角形的外角大于任何一个不相邻的内角。”我注意到一个学生没有做笔记，就问他为什么。他真诚地说：“嗯，我在等你开始讲英语。”

680　I didn’t even read them 这两本书我根本都没看

While working in the library at a university, I was often shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of paying their fees for overdue books. One evening a student returned two books that were way overdue. I tried to explain how much she owed, but she insisted she should be exempt. “You don’t understand,” she blurted out. “I didn’t even read them!”

我在一所大学的图书馆工作的时候，学生们为了不交过期罚款而采用的种种借口常常使我震惊。一天傍晚，一个学生来还两本书，都过期很久了。我向她解释她欠了多少钱。但是，她坚持说她应该免于罚款。她一着急说漏了嘴：“你不懂。这两本书我根本都没看。”

681　Amphibious Assault 水陆两栖突袭

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, “What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?” Expecting to see “the D—Day invasion” as the answer, I found instead on one paper, “Moses and the plague of frogs.”

我一直在教七年级学生第二次世界大战。有一道考试题是：“有史以来最大的水陆两栖突袭是什么？”正确的答案是“D日入侵”。在一份考卷上我看到的答案是：“摩西和青蛙天谴”（注：圣经故事）。

682　Thirty years younger 年轻了30岁

When I was 28, I was teaching English to high school freshmen in a school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks. A student came in and his eyes widened. “Wow!” he exclaimed. “You should wear clothes like that every day. You look twenty, maybe even thirty years younger!”

我28岁的时候在一所高中教一年级学生英语。偶尔学校允许教职员工可以穿着随便一些。有一次我穿了一件运动衫和宽松裤。一个学生进来的时候，眼睛都睁大了：“哟，你每天都应该穿这样的衣服。你看起来年轻了20岁，甚至30岁。”

683　Exciting Trip 激动的旅行

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner. Once we were in the air, the crew pleaded with the children to settle down so the beverages could be served and the other passengers could get some sleep. No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked: I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, “Children, this is the captain speaking. Don’t make me stop this airplane and come back there.”

大约90个五年级小学生上了飞机。我们升空以后，机组人员恳求孩子们坐下来，以便为乘客提供饮料，也可以让其他乘客睡觉。看来没有什么理由可以说服他们。后来我想出一个主意，结果还真管用。我拿起驾驶舱里的话筒说：“孩子们，我是机长。你们再不听话，我就让飞机停下来，开回去。”

684　O Alaska 啊，阿拉斯加

My son and his family relocated to Air Force Base in Alaska. In awe of the state’s wildlife and natural beauty, they looked forward to their four-year tour. Four months later, I received an e-mail from my 11-year-old granddaughter that stated her opinion pretty clearly. It read “Dear Grandma and Grandpa: It is 24 degrees below zero here today. We have three years and eight months left. I love and miss you. Lisa.”

我儿子一家要换防到阿拉斯加的空军基地去。他们向往着到那里去旅游四年，欣赏那里的野生动物和自然美景。可是四个月以后，从我11岁的孙女发来的电子邮件可以清楚地看出她的观点：“亲爱的爷爷奶奶：今天这里是零下二十四度。我们还剩下三年零八个月。我爱你们，想念你们。丽莎”

685　Web Site Story 是网站故事

What did you do last weekend? My mom asked one of her elementary school students. When she said she had seen a play, my mom asked which one. “Um, it was a musical,” the student replied, struggling to remember the name. “It has the Sharks and the Jets. Oh, I know! Web Site Story!”

我妈妈问她的一个小学生上一个周末干什么。她说她看了一个剧。我妈妈又问她是哪一个剧。她努力回想着剧的名字：“唔，是一个音乐剧。有鲨鱼和喷气机。噢，我知道了。是网站故事！”

686　Born in a barn 生在牲口棚里

Our son was constantly wandering in and out of the house, leaving the front or back door wide open. “Once and for all, will you please close that!” my exasperated wife pleaded one day. “Were you born in a barn?” “No, I was born in a hospital,” he replied, smirking. “With automatic doors.”

我们的儿子不停地进出房子，让前门、后门都大敞着。我那被激怒的太太有一天说：“我们一次了结。你能不能把门关上？难道你是生在牲口棚里的吗？”他得意地笑着回答：“不，我是生在医院，有自动门。”

687　Parental Control 家长控制

The DVD player had conked out and we weren’t able to watch the movie we’d rented. Then my husband had a brilliant idea: “Why don’t we use the PlayStation?” We pushed all the buttons, but couldn’t get it to work, so we gave up and went upstairs. We were reading in bed when our 17-year-old son appeared in our doorway. “Someone left a DVD in my PlayStation,” he said. “We were trying to watch a movie on it,” my husband admitted, “but we couldn’t get past the parental control screen.” “What a shame,” our son said as he smiled and closed the door.

DVD机突然出了毛病，我们租来的电影看不了了。我的丈夫想了一个聪明的办法：“我们可以用游戏机来放。”可是我们把所有的钮都按遍了，还是放不出来，于是只好放弃，走到楼上。我们正躺在床上看书，17岁的儿子出现在我们的门口。“有人把一张DVD遗忘在我的游戏机里了。”我的丈夫承认说：“我们想用它放电影，但是没法通过家长控制这一关。”儿子说：“真丢人”，微笑着关上了门。

688　An Easy Question 一道简单的题

Four students walked in halfway through the final. “Sorry,” they said, “we had a flat tire.” As understanding, I said that if they could all answer just one question correctly, I would give them each an A for the exam. The students agreed. So I placed them in four separate corners and handed each one a piece of paper, said, “Write down which tire was flat.”

期末考试进行到一半，四个学生才进来。他们说：“对不起，我们的一个车胎爆了。”对他们表示理解，我说如果他们都能够正确地回答一道题，我就给他们每人一个A。他们同意了。我让他们四个人分开坐在四个角落里，然后给他们每人一张纸，上面写着：“写出哪一个车胎爆了。”

689　When my hat is here, I’m here 我帽子在这里，就是我在这里

Custom at one university dictated that if a professor was ten minutes late, class was canceled. One professor arrived early for a 9 a.m. lecture. He placed his hat on his desk, and went to the faculty room. Before he knew it, it was 9:10. By the time he got back to his classroom, it was empty. The next day, he let his students have it. “When my hat is here,” he fumed, “I’m here!” The following day, the professor arrived at 9 a.m. He was met by the sight of 28 hats on 28 desks—and no students.

某一所大学的习惯是，如果上课以后十分钟教授还没到，这堂课就取消了。一位教授来上早上九点的课。因为时间还早，就把帽子放在讲台上，到教授休息室去休息一下。等他再看时间，已经九点十分了。他回到教室一看，人都走空了。第二天，他生气地对学生说：“我帽子在这里，就是我在这里。”后一天，当他九点钟到达的时候，看见28张桌子上有28顶帽子，一个学生都没有。

690　They’re just friends 它们只是朋友

Engineering classes at the university are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: “What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?” One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, “As far as I know, they’re just friends, but there could be something else going on there.”

大学的工程课程难度很大，成绩差的学生为了要得个合格有时要走极端。有一个学期我在批考试卷的时候，批到一道题“动能和势能之间有什么关系？”一个显然发懵的学生答道：“就我所知，它们只是朋友。不过，或许它们之间还有点什么事儿。”

691　Gen-X Daughter 新潮流时代女儿

Our Gen-X daughter made me a Father’s Day card entitled “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as: “Can you turn up that music?” “Here, you take the remote.” “Go ahead and take my car. Here’s 50 bucks for gas.” “I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones.”

我们的新潮流时代女儿做了一张父亲节卡片送给我。标题是“我爸爸永远不会说的话”。比如“你能不能把音乐放响一点？”“你把遥控器拿去吧。”“把我的车拿去开把。给你50块钱加油。”“我喜欢你的刺青，我们俩都该去刺一些新的花纹。”

692　A Male Applicant 男性申请人

I work in a lingerie shop, and one evening a young man came in and asked for a job application. I explained the rules for male employees. “You can only work behind the cash register or in the stockroom,” I said. “You can’t wait on customers, or go into the changing areas.” “By the way,” I added, “most of our customers don’t look like the models in the ads, but more like your mother.” With that, the young man tossed the application on the counter and walked out the door.

我在一家女用内衣商店工作。一天傍晚，一个小伙子进来，要一份工作申请表。我向他说明有关男性工作人员的规定：“你只能在收银台或者库房里工作。你不能侍候顾客，也不能进入更衣区。”我又补充说：“顺便说一句，我们的大多数顾客不像广告上的模特儿那么好看。可能更像你的妈妈。”听了这些，小伙子把工作申请表扔在柜台上走了。

693　How on earth did you do that? 你究竟为什么要这么干？

I was sitting in the foyer of a bank when a young man walked by, and then stopped for a moment on his way out. I noticed that one of the latches on his overstuffed briefcase was unfastened, putting strain on the remaining latch. “You’re going to lose the contents of your briefcase,” I warned him. Just then the case burst open. He stared at me with something akin to fear in his eyes as he gasped, “How on earth did you do that?”

我正坐在银行的门厅里，一个小伙子从旁边经过。在出去的时候，他停了一下。我注意到，他那个塞得满满的小提箱有一个弹簧锁已经弹开了，所有的分量都靠剩下的那个弹簧锁支撑。我提醒他说：“你小提箱里的东西要掉出来了。”恰巧这时候他的小提箱崩开了。他用充满恐惧的眼神盯着我，喘着气说：“你究竟为什么要这么干？”

694　Knuckles drag on the floor 手掌拖着地

My sister walked into a men’s clothing store to buy a shirt for me and pants for our father. I’m well over six feet tall and our dad is pretty short. She asked a salesman for help. “I’m looking for a shirt with an 18 neck and 38-inch sleeves,” she told him, “and trousers with a 30-inch waist and an inseam of 27 inches.” After absorbing those measurements, the salesman said, “I have to ask. Do this guy’s knuckles drag on the floor?”

我妹妹到一家男式服装商店去给我买一件衬衣，给爸爸买一条裤子。我有六尺好几寸，而我爸爸比较矮。她请一个售货员帮忙。她说：“我要买一件衬衣，领子18寸，袖子38寸。裤子的腰30寸，长27寸。”售货员对这些数字进行一番研究以后说：“我不得不问一下，这个人的手掌是不是拖着地？”

695　A Real Person 真的人

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. “Can I talk to a real person?” a caller asked. “I am real,” I said. “Oh, I’m sorry,” the caller said. “That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?”

我的第一个工作就是在附近的学区当电脑辅助台的替班。我对这份工作非常认真，然而打电话来的人却不是都拿我当回事。有一个人问我：“我能不能跟一个真的人说话？”我说：“我是真的人。”他说：“对不起，我太粗鲁了。我的意思是，我能不能和真正懂点什么的人说话。”

696　Fired from my first job 失去我的第一份工作

Getting fired from my first job wasn’t fun, but it was quick. The director summoned me to his office. Without a trace of subtlety, he asked, “Mike, not counting today, how long have you been with us?”

我从我的第一份工作被开除并不好玩，但是很快。我的上司把我传唤到他的办公室。他毫不隐讳地问我：“麦克，不算今天，你和我们在一起有多久了？”

697　Post-partying Depression 宴会后忧郁症

Following a blowout shindig the night before, a co-worker was looking the worse for wear. “Are you feeling all right?” I asked. “I don’t know,” she answered slowly. “I think I’m suffering from post-partying depression.”

一个同事头一天晚上参加喧闹的晚宴，第二天来上班的时候看起来筋疲力尽的。我问她：“你有没有生病啊？”她懒懒地说：“我也不知道。我想我得的是宴会后忧郁症。”

698　I’m going to miss you 我会想你的

It was a very emotional time for me—my son was about to leave for basic training. My son likes to pass himself off as a tough guy, but as we climbed into the car, he blurted out in a halting, sad voice, “I’m going to miss you.” Well, I just about lost it. The tears flowed from my eyes as I turned to say how much I was going to miss him too. That’s when I saw that he was addressing a can of Pepsi he’d just opened.

这是我非常伤感的时候。我的儿子要出发去接受基本军事训练了。我儿子平时喜欢充硬汉子。但是当我们爬进车里去的时候，他用断断续续的悲哀的声音说：“我会想你的。”我的眼泪忍不住从眼睛里流下来。我正要转身过去对他说我也会想他的，却看见他是对一罐打开的百事可乐说这番话的。

699　My Object of Adoration 我的偶像

Aboard the USS Tarawa, I posted a picture of my beloved truck in my locker. Since my fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends up, they often ridiculed me for my object of adoration. “Laugh all you want,” I told them. “At least my truck will still be there when I get home!”

登上塔拉瓦号航空母舰以后，我把我心爱的卡车的照片贴在我的衣柜里。由于我的海军陆战队的伙伴们都把女朋友的照片贴出来，他们常常讥笑我的偶像。我告诉他们：“尽管笑吧，至少我回家的时候我的卡车还在那里等着我。”

700　Rich 富

After moving to the United States, a Chinese student decided to have an English name. She chose the name Patience because she wanted to be reminded to be patient. Every time someone called her name, the message was reinforced. I told this story to my students and asked them what names they would select for themselves. After considering the question, one young man raised his hand and said, “Rich.”

一个中国学生到美国来以后给自己起了一个英文名字叫Patience，因为她想提醒自己要有耐心。每当别人叫她的时候，就强化这个信息。我把这个故事告诉我的学生，问他们想给自己起什么名字。一个小伙子想了一下，举起手来说：“富。”

701　Free Box 免费纸箱

At their tag sale, my daughters put all of the “junk” they just wanted to get rid of in a carton they marked “Free Box.” Moments after they set it at the foot of the driveway, a man drove up, looked at the box, dumped its contents on the lawn and drove off with it.

我的女儿在门前出售旧货的时候，把她们不想要的“垃圾”都放进一个纸板箱里，并且写上“免费纸箱”字样。当她们把东西都摆到门前车道上以后不久，一个男人开车过来，看了看纸板箱，把里面装的东西都倒在草坪上，然后拿着纸板箱开车走了。

702　I’m Number One 我是第一名

When I went inside the station to pay for my tank of gas, I noticed a sign asking patrons to tell the cashier the number of their pump. Even though I was the only customer, I decided to tell him anyway. “I’m Number One,” I announced. He smiled. “Well, looks like those motivational tapes are really working for you.”

当我走进加油站去付钱的时候，看到有一个告示要求顾客告诉收银员加油泵的号码。虽然只有我一个顾客，我决定还是告诉他，“我是一号（也有‘我是第一’的意思）。”他笑一笑说：“嗯，看来这些鼓动性的告示对你还真起作用了。”

703　We kept passing the money 我们把钱传下去

Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customer, “I’ll turn the pumps on right away!” What I didn’t know was that the night crew had left them on all night. By the time I got to the office, most of the cars had filled up and driven off. Only one customer stayed. My heart sank. Then the customer pulled a wad of cash from his pocket and handed it to me. “We kept passing the money to the last guy,” he said. “We figured you’d get here sooner or later.”

一天早上我赶到我工作的加油站时，已经晚了45分钟。我对顾客大喊：“我马上把泵开起来。”我所不知道的是，夜班忘了关闭设备。等我到那里时许多车已经加完油走了，只有一个人留在那里。我的心沉下去了。然而，这个顾客从口袋里拿出一打现金交给我说：“我们把钱传给最后一个人，我们觉得你早晚会来的。”

704　You are full of advice 你充满了忠告

The son of a friend graduated from high school, so I sent a card to congratulate him. I enclosed money and scribbled some words of wisdom inside. He sent me a note back saying, “Thank you for the gift. Also thank you for the advice. My mom always tells me that you are full of it.”

朋友的儿子高中毕业，我寄去一张贺卡，附上钱，还涂上几笔智慧的话。他写了一张回条，说：“谢谢你的礼物，也谢谢你的忠告。我妈妈总是告诉我，你充满了忠告。”

705　Couldn’t give away 给不出去

I had season tickets to the Detroit Lions football games. Last year they had such a miserable record that I couldn’t give away two tickets to a game I wasn’t able to attend. While parking at a mall, I decided to leave the tickets under my windshield wiper. And I returned to find six more tickets to the same game.

我有两张底特律狮子橄榄球队的季票，但我不能去。我想把这两张票送给别人，谁都不要，因为这个球队去年的成绩太差了。我把车停在一个商场的停车场上，把这两张票夹在雨刷的下面。等我回来的时候，看到票多了六张。

706　Little lights swaying to the music 随着音乐摇摆的小亮点

Fans of 1960s music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to a concert. When they returned home, my daughter said, “During the show, we looked back and saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought the people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience.”

我14岁的女儿和她最要好的朋友是20世纪60年代音乐迷。她们得到了一个音乐会的前排座位。等她们回到家里，我女儿说：“在演出期间，我们回头看到几百个小亮点随着音乐摇摆。起初我们以为是人们拿着打火机。后来才意识到这些亮点是听众所戴眼镜的反光。”

707　What chair? 什么椅子？

The philosophy professor warned the class he was going to give them a test. When the day came he entered the classroom, wordlessly placed his chair on the table and, turning to the blackboard, wrote, “Prove to me this chair does not exist.” Most of the nervous students began intently scribbling out long dissertations. But one member of the class wrote down just two words, and then handed his paper to the teacher. The professor had to smile when he read the student’s answer: “What chair?”

哲学教授警告学生说，他要给他们一个测验。考试那天，他走进教室，一言不发，把他的椅子放在桌子上，转身在黑板上写：“向我证明这把椅子不存在。”大多数紧张的学生开始长篇大论地大写特写。但是，有一个学生只写了几个字，就交给老师。当教授看到他写的是“什么椅子”，只好微笑了。

708　Black makes you look slimmer 黑色使你看起来苗条

A client brought two cats to a veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. “They weigh about the same,” I told her. “That proves it!” she exclaimed. “Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat.”

一个顾客带着两只猫到兽医诊所为它们做年度体检。一只是小骨架的、带一圈一圈老虎斑纹的猫，另一只是长长的、毛色光亮的黑猫。当我把它们放在称上称的时候，她很仔细地看着。我告诉她说：“它们几乎是一样重。”她大喊起来：“这就证明了，黑色使你看起来苗条，而条纹使你看起来肥胖。”

709　I’m psychotic 我是精神病人

After I asked for a half-pound trout fillet at my supermarket’s seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces. Impressed, I asked, “How did you know?” Looking pleased with himself, he declared, “I’m psychotic.”

在超级市场的水产部，我要买半磅鳟鱼柳，售货员从一包里挑出一块，放在磅秤上，恰好是八盎司。我很钦佩，就问：“你怎么知道的？”他看起来对自己挺满意，说：“我是精神病人。”

710　Pane and Burns 疼痛和烧灼

I was going to get a tattoo. I walked into a local shop to check out their designs. But I had second thoughts when I noticed the two “artists” working there had the last names of Pane and Burns.

我要去做一个刺青。我到了附近一家刺青店，看看他们有什么图样。但是当我注意到在那里工作的两位“艺术家”一个姓Pane（和Pain疼痛同音），另一个姓Burns（烧灼）的时候，我改变了主意。

711　Excuse me? 你说什么？

I told the librarian that I want to find two books. “What’s the first book?” she asked. “That’s Not What I Meant ,” I said. “Well, what did you mean?” “That’s the title of the book,” I explained. “Okay.” She looked at me a little skeptically. “And the other book?” “You Just Don’t Understand .” “Excuse me?”

我告诉图书馆管理员，我想找两本书。她问：“第一本是什么？”我说：“《我不是这个意思》。”“嗯，那你是什么意思？”我解释说：“那是书的名字。”她带着一点怀疑地看着我：“好，另一本是什么？”“《你就是不懂》。”“你说什么？”

712　Imagination, Limited 想像有限公司

My friends started a company built around an innovative idea. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. “We have to call it Imagination,” one passionate participant cried out. Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, “Are you sure you want your business card to read ‘Imagination, Limited’?”

我的几个朋友围绕着一个创新的观念成立了一个公司。在给公司起什么名字上起了争执。一个激情的与会者大喊道：“我们必须把它叫做‘想象’。”大家都沉思了片刻。然后，一个反对的声音说：“你真的愿意在名片上印上‘想象有限公司’？”

713　John XXIII Hall 约翰二十三世会堂

As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up. After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card. The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent’s name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card. “Pardon me,” he asked hesitantly, “but how do you pronounce your husband’s middle name?”

我是一个天主教道明修道会的修女，住在一个以已故教皇名字命名的女修道院里。有一天，我没有穿法衣，只是穿着便装就开着公用车去加油。年轻的工作人员替我加完油以后，走到我的车窗前还我信用卡。这个年轻人腼腆地看着我，指着卡上印的女修道院的名字问：“对不起，你丈夫的中间名字怎么发音？”

714　What’s your number? 你的电话号码是什么？

As a high school football coach, I’m aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. One such player called me at home one night. When my wife informed the kid that I wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to me right away. “Just calm down, and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home,” my wife told him. “What’s your number?” The flustered kid replied, “Three.”

我是高中橄榄球队教练。我注意到学生运动员对于比赛过于重视。有这样一个运动员晚上打电话到我家里。我太太告诉他我不在家，他变得很失控，说他必须马上和我讲话。我太太对他说：“冷静一点，他一回来我就让他打电话给你。你的（电话）号码是什么？”这个紧张的孩子说：“三号。”

715　Double Positive 双重肯定

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. “In English,” he explained, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

一位语言学教授正在给学生讲课。他解释说：“在英语里，双重否定构成肯定。在别的语言中，比如俄语，双重否定还是否定。然而，没有一种语言可以用双重肯定构成否定。”这时候，从教室的后面蹦出一个声音：“是啊，对！”

716　How are the rooms appointed? 房间里有什么家具和设施？

Lisa was working at a Maine coastal resort when she answered a call for information about the inn. After finishing the conversation, Lisa stepped away from the front desk. When the phone rang again, a student intern took the call. “I forgot to ask,” the customer said. “How are the rooms appointed?” “Well, six of them are appointed west,” the student answered, “and the rest are appointed east.”

丽莎在缅因州的海岸度假村工作。她接到一个电话询问关于旅馆的信息。挂了电话之后，丽莎就出去了。电话铃再一次响起来的时候，一个学生假期工接电话。那个顾客说：“我忘了问，房间里有什么家具和设施？”学生回答说：“嗯，六间朝西，其余的房间朝东。”（appointed：家具和设施，pointed：朝向）

XIII.　孩童笑话

717　How many birds left? 还剩几只鸟

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” Johnny replies, “None, they all fly away with the first gun shot.” The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then, Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice-cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice-cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

老师问学生：“有五只鸟站在篱笆上，你开枪打死其中一只，还剩几只？”强尼回答说：“一只都不剩，都飞走了。”老师说：“正确的答案是四。不过，我喜欢你动脑子。”接着，小强尼说：“我要问你一个问题。三个女人坐在长条凳上吃冰淇淋。一个优美地舔冰淇淋的边；第二个狼吞虎咽地吃掉顶部，然后吸蛋卷；第三个正在咬冰淇淋的顶。她们中谁结婚了？”老师面红耳赤地回答说：“嗯，我想是狼吞虎咽地吃掉顶部，然后吸蛋卷的那个。”小强尼说：“正确的答案是戴结婚戒指的那个。不过，我喜欢你动脑子。”

718　It’s Little Johnny again 又是小强尼

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

一个新老师想试着用用她在心理学课上学到的知识，一开始上课她就对学生说：“认为自己愚蠢的人站起来。”过了几秒钟，小强尼站起来了。老师说：“小强尼，你认为自己愚蠢吗？”小强尼说：“夫人，我不愚蠢。但是我不愿意看你自己一个人站在那里。”

719　Johnny failed exam 强尼考试不及格

Johnny failed the exam. His friend asked, “Why did you get such a low grade?” “Because of an absence,” Johnny answered. “You mean you were absent on the day of the test?” “No, but the kid who sits next to me was.”

强尼考试不及格。他的朋友问他：“你的分数为什么这么低？”强尼回答说：“因为一次缺席。”“你是说考试那天你缺席了？”“不是我缺席。是我旁边的人缺席。”

720　A nickel is bigger than a dime 五分的硬币比一角的大

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime, and Johnny would always take the nickel—they said, because it was bigger. One day after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?” Slowly, Johnny turned toward the storeowner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!”

从前有一个小男孩，他的名字叫强尼。他成天在附近的小店里瞎混。小店老板不知道强尼有什么毛病，只是一群男孩总是戏弄他。他们拿一个五分的硬币和一个一角的硬币让强尼选，强尼总是选五分的。他们说这是因为五分的硬币比一角的大。有一天，强尼又选了五分的硬币，老板把他叫到一边，对他说：“强尼，这些男孩在拿你取乐呢。他们认为你不知道一角的硬币比五分的值钱。你选五分的硬币真是因为它比一角的大，还是为了别的？”强尼慢慢地把头转过来，咧嘴笑着对老板说：“嗯，如果我选一角的，他们就不会再让我选了。到现在为止，我已经存了20块钱了。”

721　Where is God? 上帝在哪里？

A Sunday school teacher asked his class, “Where is God?” A boy raised his hand and said, “He’s in Heaven.” A girl was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!” The teacher asked how he knew this. Little Johnny said, “Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘My God, are you still in there?’”

一个（教会的）主日学老师问他的学生：“上帝在哪里？”一个男孩举手说：“他在天堂里。”一个女孩被叫起来，回答说：“他在我的心里。”小强尼拼命地挥手，大声叫喊：“我知道，我知道，他在我们家的厕所里。”老师问他是怎么知道的。小强尼说：“嗯，每天早上我爸起床以后就敲厕所的门，大喊：‘我的上帝，你还在里面啊？’”

722　God is missing 上帝丢了

Two little boys, aged eight and ten, were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their sons were in some way involved. The parents decided to send the boys to speak with the clergyman who had been successful in disciplining children in the past. The eight-year-old went to meet with the clergyman first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?” At that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?” The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”

有两个男孩，一个八岁，一个十岁。他们特别淘气，总是惹麻烦。他们的父母知道，如果他们的小镇上出了什么恶作剧的事，总少不了他们儿子的份。他们决定送他们的两个儿子去见教士，因为教士过去有训导孩子的成功经验。八岁的男孩先去见教士。教士让他坐下，然后厉声问他：“上帝在哪里？”小男孩不说话。教士用更严厉的声音问他：“上帝在哪里？”小男孩还是不说话。于是，教士用手指抓住男孩的脸，提高了嗓门问他：“上帝在哪里？”这时候，小男孩突然冲出门去，跑回家里，把自己关在壁橱里。他的哥哥跟着他进了壁橱，问他发生了什么事。弟弟说：“这下我们捅了大娄子了。上帝丢了。他们以为是我们干的。”

723　Will you accept the charges? 你同意不同意付钱？

My wife was away at a business conference. During a break, she called home collect. My six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice said, “We have a Mary on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”

我的太太到外地参加一个业务会议。休息期间她给家里打一个对方付款电话。我六岁的儿子接电话，听到一个陌生的声音说：“我们有一个玛丽在线上。你同意不同意付钱？”他惊慌失措地扔下电话听筒，跑来大叫：“爸爸，他们把妈妈抓住了！他们要钱！”

724　She was stunned 她感到震惊

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. She was stunned and said, “I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?” Finally, after much urging, little Lisa spoke up and said, “Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead.”

四年级的老师要走开几分钟。当她回来的时候，发现孩子们的秩序非常好。她感到震惊，说：“我以前从来没见过这样的事。这太好了。不过，请告诉我，什么事使你们突然改变了呢？为什么你们都表现得那么好、那么安静呢？”经她一再催促，最后小丽莎说了出来：“唔，你有一次说过，如果你回来的时候发现我们都安静，你当场就死。”

725　Little girl knows everything 小姑娘什么都知道

A single mother with her 3rd grade daughter on the way to school, the little girl asked her mom: “Mom, how old are you?” The mom said a woman’s age is her secret. Then the girl asked, “Mom, how tall are you then?” The mom said a woman’s height is also her secret… In school, the girl’s friend told her that the driver’s license of a person has all the information of that person… Later that night, the girl woke up in the middle of the night and went to her mom’s purse to check her driver’s license… The next day on the way to school in the car, the girl said: “Mom, I know how old and how tall you are… You are 36 years old, 5ft 4inches tall, and I also know why you and dad got divorced.” The mom was very surprised and said: “Really? Tell me why then…” The girl said: “Because you got an F on sex…”

一个单亲妈妈送她小学三年级的女儿去学校的路上，小姑娘问她妈妈：“妈妈，你多大年龄？”妈妈说年龄是女人的秘密。小姑娘又问她：“妈妈，那么你有多高？”妈妈说身高也是女人的秘密。在学校里，小姑娘的朋友告诉她，一个人的驾驶执照上有他所有的信息。那天晚上，小姑娘半夜里醒来，就到妈妈的皮包里找她的驾驶执照。第二天早上，在上学去的车上，小姑娘说：“妈妈，我知道你的年龄和身高。你36岁，五尺四寸。我还知道你和爸爸为什么离婚。”妈妈大吃一惊，说：“真的吗？那你说说为什么。”小姑娘说：“因为你的性不及格。（注：F on SEX，性别女）”

726　A Life-time Punishment 终生的惩罚

Even though I’m in my 30s I still stop by my parents’ house to mow their lawn. One afternoon, the kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time. “It’s punishment for skipping a day of school,” he explained. “Why are you still doing your folks’ yard?” “Because I cut a class when I was your age,” I said with a straight face. I’m told he’s had perfect attendance ever since.

我虽然已经三十多岁了，但是仍然为我父母家修剪草坪。一天下午，隔壁邻居家的男孩正好也在修剪草坪。他说：“我是因为逃学一天受到惩罚。你为什么还给你父母家修剪草坪？”我一脸严肃地说：“因为我像你那么大的时候逃课。”后来我听说他再也没有逃学。

727　If you see him running 如果你们看见他跑

When I tell people that I am an explosive ordnance disposal technician, I usually need to go into further detail about what I do. Once I was with my eight-year-old son when I was explaining my job to someone. “I defuse live bombs,” I said. “Yeah,” my son added. “If you see him running, you’d better catch up!”

每当我告诉别人，我是一个爆炸性军械排除技师的时候，常常需要进一步解释我是干什么的。有一次，我和我八岁的儿子在一起的时候，向别人解释我是干什么的。我说：“我拆除活的炸弹。”我儿子接口说：“如果你们看见他跑的话，你们最好赶上去。”

728　A Hundred Percent Red Sox 百分之百的红袜子

Blood may be thicker than water, but baseball beats them both. I learned this after explaining to my son that he was half-Lithuanian on his father’s side, and half-Yankee, meaning his other set of parents came from an old New England family. My son looked worried. “But I am still a hundred percent Red Sox, right, Mom?”

血可能浓于水，但是棒球超过两者，这是我最近才明白的。我向我儿子解释说，他有一半从他爸爸那里来的立陶宛的血统，还有一半美国血统，就是美国东北部新英格兰的血统。我儿子看起来有点担心。他说：“妈妈，那我还是百分之百的红袜子，对不对？”

729　In ten years 再过十年

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.” She shrugged. “In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

一天，我和八岁的孙女一起出去骑自行车，觉得有些伤感。我说：“再过十年，你就想和你的朋友一起，不会像现在这样和我一起走路、骑自行车和游泳了。”她耸耸肩膀说：“不过，再过十年，你太老了，也做不动这些事情了。”

730　Left her Bart in San Francisco 把她的男爵遗忘在旧金山

After my family returned from San Francisco, my daughter realized she had forgotten to pack her Bart Simpson doll. So I called the hotel. A few days later the doll arrived in the mail. With it was a note: “For the little girl who left her Bart in San Francisco.”

我们一家从旧金山回来以后，我女儿发现她忘记把她的辛普森男爵娃娃放进行李了。我就给旅馆打电话。过了几天，娃娃寄来了。里面还有一张纸条：“寄给把她的男爵遗忘在旧金山的小姑娘”。

731　Polite Behavior 礼貌的行为

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lisa her needle. “No, no, no!” she screamed. “Lisa,” scolded her mother, “that’s not polite behavior.” With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

作为小儿科的护士，我有一项困难的任务就是给孩子们打预防针。有一次我到检查室去给四岁的丽莎打针。她尖叫：“不要，不要，不要！”她妈妈斥责她说：“丽莎，这是不礼貌的行为。”这样一来，她喊得更响了：“不要，谢谢你！不要，谢谢你！”

732　What would God want with a dead dog? 上帝要一只死狗干什么？

Mom and Dad were trying to console Lisa, whose dog had recently died. “You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Lisa, still crying, said, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

丽莎的狗死了。爸爸和妈妈正在安慰她：“你的狗死了，这不是你的错。它现在可能正在天堂里和上帝一起度过美好的往昔。”丽莎一边哭一边说：“上帝要一只死狗干什么？”

733　Just say what you hear mommy say 你听妈妈怎么说，你就怎么说

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” replied the little girl. “Just say what you hear mommy say,” the woman said. Her daughter bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

有一家人邀请一些客人来家里吃饭。在餐桌上妈妈对六岁的女儿说：“你愿不愿意做谢饭祷告？”小姑娘回答说：“我不知道该说什么。”妈妈说：“你听妈妈怎么说，你就怎么说。”女儿低下头说：“亲爱的主，我究竟为什么要邀请这些人来吃饭？”

734　Bartender 酒馆老板

The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a schoolhouse. The buyer converted it to a tavern. One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson and pointed to the building. “That’s where I went to school when I was your age.” “Really,” said the boy. “Who was your bartender back then?”

附近小镇的教育局卖了一栋曾经是校舍的房子。买主把他改装成一个小酒馆。有一天，一个老人家和他的孙子在一起散步，路过那里。爷爷指着这所房子对孙子说：“我像你这么大的时候，就在那里上学。”孙子问：“真的吗？那时候谁是酒馆老板？”

735　What if we get separated? 我们分开了怎么办？

When we moved cross country, my wife and I decided to drive both our cars. Our eight-year-old son worriedly asked, “How will we keep from getting separated?” “We’ll drive slow so one car can follow the other,” I reassured him. “Yeah, but what if we get separated?” he persisted. “Then I guess we’ll never see each other again,” I quipped. “Okay,” he said, “I’m riding with Mom.”

当我们准备跨越整个美国大搬家的时候，我和太太决定把两辆车都开过去。我们八岁的儿子担心地问：“我们怎么能保持互相不分开呢？”我安慰他说：“我们会开得慢一些，这样就互相跟得上。”他仍坚持问：“那万一我们分开了怎么办？”我逗他说：“那我们就再也见不到面了。”他说：“那我坐妈妈的车。”

736　E Flat Minor 降E小调

“Make sure you wash your hands before your piano lesson,” I reminded my seven-year-old son. “They’re probably dirty from soccer practice.” “Don’t have to, Mom,” he reassured me. “Today I’m practicing in E Flat Minor. They’re black keys.”

我提醒我七岁的儿子：“弹钢琴之前要先洗手，你踢完足球手可能很脏。”他让我放心：“妈妈，不需要洗。今天我要弹的是降E小调，全是黑的键。”

737　Are you giving out balloons? 你发气球吗？

I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective eye shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror, I thought, “Man, I look like a clown.” When I was in line at the grocery store, I felt a tug at my shirt. I looked down to see a toddler staring up at me, “Are you giving out balloons?” he asked.

我到人工日光浴店去。由于在紫外线灯下面照得太久，两片保护眼睛的保护片在两只眼睛四周留下了两块大大的白色的圆形阴影。照着镜子，我对自己说：“乖乖，我看起来像小丑。”当我在杂货店排队的时候，我感觉到有人拉我的衬衣。我低头看见一个刚会走的孩子抬头看着我问：“你发气球吗？”

738　This time he took the cage 这次它连笼子一起带走了

I bought my five-year-old daughter, Lisa, a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. We turned the house upside down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Lisa was at school, he escaped from his cage again. I searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Lisa, I took the cage out of her room. When Lisa came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into my lap. “We’ve got a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took the cage.”

我给五岁的女儿丽莎买了一只宠物仓鼠。有一天它从笼子里逃出来，我们把整个家翻了个底朝天才把它找回来。过了几个星期，丽莎上学不在家的时候，它又从笼子里逃出来。我发疯似的找，但是再也找不到这个小东西了。为了减少丽莎的痛苦，我把笼子从她的房间里拿了出来。丽莎下午放学回家，爬到我的膝盖上对我说：“我们碰到一个严重的问题，不但我的宠物仓鼠跑了，而且这次它连笼子一起带走了。”

739　The funny thing is the book name 可笑的是书名

A group of preschoolers gathered in library for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly . After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, “Do you think she’ll die?” “Nope,” a little girl in the back said. “I saw this last night on TV.”

一群四岁的孩子聚集在图书馆里听故事。给他们读的书名叫《从前有一个老太太，她吞吃了一只苍蝇》。图书馆员念完第一页之后问孩子们：“你们想她会死吗？”坐在后面的一个小姑娘说：“不会。我昨天晚上在电视上看过了。”

740　My mother doesn’t look like that either 我妈看起来也不是这样

While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup and a fancy gown. I heard him let out a low whistle and asked my son, “Who’s that?” “That’s my mom,” my son answered. “Wow,” the man said, “my mother doesn’t look like that.” “Yeah,” my son said, “well, neither does mine.”

我们家装修房子的时候，一个装修工人停下工作来看我的一张化了妆、穿着昂贵礼服的艺术照。我听见他轻轻吹了一下口哨，并且问我的儿子这是谁。我儿子说：“那是我妈妈。”那人说：“嘿，我妈看起来可不是这样。”我儿子说：“嗯，我妈看起来也不是这样。”

741　He won the car 他赢了这辆车

One evening we were watching President Bush’s inauguration. As Bush stepped out of his limousine and waved to his cheering supporters, my son shouted, “Look, Mommy, he won the car!”

一天晚上我们看布什总统的就职仪式。当布什从他的豪华大轿车里走出来，向欢呼的支持者挥手的时候，我儿子大喊说：“妈妈！瞧，他赢了这辆车。”

742　We’re Ranch 我们是农场

My doctor friend moved his family to a small town in Montana. The locals were thrilled to have a doctor of their own, and were always inviting him and his family over for dinner. During one visit, his daughter told a rancher’s daughter, “We’re Italian.” Somewhat confused, the little girl replied, “We’re Ranch.”

我的医生朋友把家搬到蒙大拿州一个小镇上。当地人为有他们自己的医生而狂喜，经常邀请他和他一家人去吃饭。在一次访问中，他的女儿告诉农场主的女儿说：“我们是意大利人。”小姑娘有点弄糊涂了，回答说：“我们是农场。”

743　The more weight, the faster it goes 越重跑得越快

While waiting in line for the Tilt-A-Whirl, I overheard my two kids arguing. “Mom’s going with me!” insisted my son. “No,” said his sister, “she’s going with me!” I said to my son, “You and I can go on the merry-go-round.” “But I want you on this ride,” he protested. “Why?” “Because the more weight, the faster it goes.”

（在游乐场）排队等着玩“滑下坡”的时候，我听见我的两个孩子在那里争吵。我儿子坚持说：“妈妈和我一起滑。”而他妹妹说：“不，妈妈和我一起滑。”我对儿子说：“你可以和我一起玩旋转木马。”他抗议说：“但是我要和你玩这个游戏。”“为什么？”“因为越重跑得越快。”

744　You don’t look that old 你看起来没那么老

One of my fourth graders asked my teacher’s assistant, “How old are you, Mrs. Glass?” “You should never ask an adult’s age,” I broke in. “That’s okay.” she smiled. “I’m fifty.” “Wow, you don’t look that old,” the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, “Parts of her do.”

我的一个四年级学生问我的助教：“格拉斯太太，你几岁了？”我打断说：“你不可以问成年人的年龄。”她微笑着说：“没关系，我50了。”那个男孩说：“哇，你看起来没那么老。”我正松一口气的时候，另一个孩子插嘴说：“她的一些部分有那么老。”

745　Wise woman would have brought 聪明女人会带来

I was telling my six-year-old son the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it a lot of thought, he observed, “Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers.”

我正在给我六岁的儿子讲耶稣诞生的故事。讲到东方三博士（聪明男人）给新生婴孩献上黄金、乳香和没药。他显然是动了脑子，说：“妈妈，聪明女人就会带来尿片。”

746　The oldest thing in my house 我家里最老的东西

My 12-year-old daughter asked me, “Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project.” I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was. A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created. The title of their project was “The oldest thing in my house.”

我12岁的女儿问我：“妈妈，你有小时候的照片吗？我要用来做学校的作业。”我也没问她是什么作业，就给了她一张。过了几天，我到她的教室参加家长会，看见我的脸被钉在学生们弄的一张壁画上。而她们作业的名字叫“我家里最老的东西”。

747　My mom puts me in the stroller too 我妈妈也把我放在手推车里面

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

我在医生诊所的接待室等候的时候，一个女人推着坐在轮椅里的老人进来。在她去接待员那里时，那老人孤零零地坐在那里，一声不响。我正想上去和他聊聊天，一个小男孩从他妈妈膝盖上滑下来，朝轮椅走去。他把手放在老人的手里，说：“我了解你的感觉。我妈妈也把我放在手推车里面。”

748　I can see the diving board 我能看见跳水板

We took our daughter for a vacation. Seated on the airplane near the wing, I pointed out to her that we were above the ocean. “Can you see the water?” I asked her. “No,” she said, peering out the window at the wing, “but I can see the diving board.”

我们带女儿去度假，坐在飞机上靠机翼的地方。我告诉她，我们现在是在大洋上空。我问她：“你能看见水吗？”她从窗口望出去，看见机翼，说：“没看见水，不过我能看见跳水板。”

749　Breast Feeding 喂奶

As I was nursing my baby, my six-year-old niece came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.”

我在给孩子喂奶的时候，六岁的侄女走进来了。她从来没有看见过喂奶，因此怀着极大的兴趣问这问那。对我的回答捉摸一番以后，她评论说：“我妈也有这两个东西，不过我想她不知道怎么用它们。”

750　An Earnest Prayer 恳切的祷告

As my five-year-old son and I were heading to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for whoever might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, “We should pray.” From the back seat I heard his earnest voice: “Dear God, please don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

我和我五岁的儿子去麦当劳的路上，经过一处交通事故。通常，当我们看见这种惨事的时候，就会为可能受伤的人祷告。所以我对儿子说：“我们应该祷告。”这时，我听到后排座位上传来非常认真的声音：“亲爱的主，求你不要让这些车堵住麦当劳的入口。”

751　Rabbit and Python 兔子和大蟒

An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?” “I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?” She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”

一个可爱的小姑娘进到我的宠物商店，问：“请问，你这里有兔子吗？”我回答说：“有啊。”我凑到她面前问她：“你是喜欢白色的兔子，还是软软的、毛茸茸的黑兔子？”她耸耸肩膀说：“我想我的大蟒不会太在意的。”

752　Work at hotels 到各个旅馆去上班

Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, the teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.” I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at hotels.” I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in hotel conference rooms.

我到幼儿园去接女儿的时候，老师把我拉到一边，轻声告诫我说：“你最好多向你女儿解释有关你的职业。”我问她为什么。她说：“你女儿告诉全班同学，她不清楚你是干什么的。不过她说，你穿得很漂亮，到各个旅馆去上班。”我是一个培训顾问，经常用旅馆的会议室举行研讨会。

753　Until I saw you… 在看见你之前

Rodents had overrun a posh private school. So the headmaster asked a health inspector to deliver a presentation to teachers and students, showing how to remedy the situation, i.e., stow trash, no food in class, etc. The following day, a teacher had her very young children write a letter to the inspector, thanking him for the visit. One of the students wrote, “Thank you for coming to my school. Until I saw you, I didn’t know what a rat looked like.”

一所豪华的私立学校闹耗子，校长请一个卫生检查员到学校来给师生作一次演示，怎样才能改变目前的状况，比如收好垃圾、不把食物带进教室等等。第二天，老师让孩子们给检查员写一封信感谢他来访。有一个学生这样写道：“谢谢你到我们学校来访问。在看见你之前，我不知道老鼠长什么样。”

754　Can’t you read, either? 你也不识字？

I had signed up to be a school volunteer and was helping a first-grader with her homework. But it turned out I was the one in need of help. The assignment required coloring, and I’m color-blind—can’t tell blue from red. As we finished our lesson, I told the little girl, “Next week you can read to me.” Looking confused, she said, “Can’t you read, either?”

我报名当上了学校的义工，帮助一个一年级的小姑娘做家庭作业。然而，结果却是我需要帮助。这个家庭作业要求上颜色，而我是红绿色盲。在结束我们这一课的时候，我对小姑娘说：“下个星期你可以读给我听。”小姑娘有点搞糊涂了，她说：“你也不识字？”

755　Another Train 另外一辆火车

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. “If you get a train,” I would tell each one, “your dad is going to play with it too. Is that okay?” The usual answer was a quick yes. But after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, “Another train.”

我在商场里扮演圣诞老人，许多孩子都跟我要电动火车。我会对他们说：“如果你拿到小火车，你爸爸也要玩。这样行不行？”通常孩子们都很快回答说行。可是，有一个男孩，我问他以后他好久都不说话。为了使对话不冷场，我又问他还想要圣诞老人带什么东西给他。他马上回答说：“另外一辆火车。”

756　Who do I see about getting dentures? 我要镶牙该看谁呀？

The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my ten-year-old son’s dental appliance. Because it was cemented to his upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release it. When it finally popped out, three of his baby teeth came out as well. My boy was horrified when he saw the gaps. “Well,” he said to the staff gathered around him, “who do I see about getting dentures?”

牙齿矫正医生和他的助手正在拆除我十岁儿子的牙齿矫正器。由于它是胶接在上牙床上，所以他们必须用力才能把它拿下来。当它最终蹦出来的时候，同时也带下来三颗乳牙。我儿子看见这些牙齿缺口的时候非常震惊。他对围着他的这些工作人员说：“我要镶牙该看谁呀？”

757　Something Smelled Good 什么东西这么好闻

One day I was in charge of some second-graders, who were concentrating on their artwork. As I reached across to help a student, he remarked that something smelled good. I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held a wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, “Yep. New markers.”

一天，我在指导一些二年级小学生。他们正集中注意力画画。当我过去帮助一个学生的时候，他说什么东西这么好闻。我很高兴以为他注意到我的香水，可是他把一支软尖笔放到鼻子下面闻，并且说：“就是它，新彩色笔。”

758　I want my mommy 我要妈妈

For the first time, my four-year-old daughter was coming to my office to have me clean her teeth. I seated her and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles and mask. She got scared and cried, “I want my mommy!” I quickly pulled off my mask and said, “I am your mommy.” Without hesitating, she yelled back, “Then I want my granny!”

我的女儿第一次到我的诊所，让我清洗她的牙齿。我让她坐好，并且像平时那样戴上手套、护目镜和口罩。她害怕了，哭喊着：“我要妈妈。”我赶紧把口罩拿掉说：“我是你妈妈。”她毫不犹豫地喊：“那我要姥姥。”

759　You used to be a bear? 你以前是一只熊？

I was a Marine and now work for United Parcel Service. One day I bought my four-year-old son a stuffed bear in Marine garb. I brought out a picture of myself in full Marine dress. I explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.” His eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”

我以前是海军陆战队员，现在在联合包裹投递公司上班。有一天，我给四岁的儿子买了一个穿着海军陆战队制服的玩具熊。我拿出一张我穿着海军陆战队制服的照片，指指照片，指指玩具熊，解释说：“这是爸爸。”他的眼睛看看这个，看看那个，用困扰的声音说：“你以前是一只熊？”

760　Horse Zoo 大马动物园

Every Sunday I took my five-year-old daughter on an outing. On the way home one afternoon, we stopped at my mother’s. “Where did you go today?” she asked my daughter. “To a horse zoo, Grandma.” “A horse zoo?” “Yea, it was fun. They wore numbers and ran around in a big circle.” “So,” my appalled mother asked, glaring at me, “did Daddy’s horse win, place, or show?”

每个星期天我都带我五岁的女儿出去玩。有一天下午，在回家的路上我们顺便去看看我妈。她问我女儿：“你们今天上哪里去了？”“奶奶，我们去大马动物园了。”“大马动物园？”“对，那里可好玩了。那些马都带着号码，绕着一个大圈跑。”我妈一边生气地瞪着我，一边问我女儿：“那你爸爸的马跑了第一，第二，还是第三？”

761　I collect moths 我收集飞蛾

An eight year girl is trying to check out a book entitled Advice for Young Mothers from the local library. Librarian: “Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?” Little girl: “I collect moths.”

一个八岁的女孩要从附近的图书馆里借一本书。书的名字叫《对年轻妈妈的忠告》。图书馆管理员问：“孩子，你为什么要借这本书？”小姑娘回答说：“因为我收集飞蛾。”（注：小姑娘以为收集moth的人叫做mother。）

762　Catch up! 赶上去！

For years my husband denied he was an aggressive driver. That changed one day when we were out for a ride with our three-year-old. Seeing a teaching opportunity, I began quizzing him about traffic lights. “What does a red light mean?” I asked. “Stop.” “How about green?” “Go.” “And yellow?” In his best deep-voice impression of Daddy, he bellowed, “Catch up!”

很多年以来，我丈夫都不承认自己是开快车的司机。但是有一天改变了。那天我们带三岁的儿子出去。看到这个教育的好机会，我开始考他红绿灯的知识。我问：“红灯是什么意思？”“停。”“绿灯呢？”“走。”“那么黄灯怎么样？”他学着他爸爸的样，压低了嗓音说：“赶上去。”

763　A Giant Boy Scout 一个童子军巨人

One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things. While on line at the checkout counter, I noticed a little boy standing with his mother. The boy took one look at me in my uniform, and his eyes grew wide. The boy was so excited. He pointed at me and announced, “Look, Mom, a giant Boy Scout.”

一天，我从基地回家，穿着橄榄绿的工作服。路上到杂货店买一些东西。在收银台前排队的时候，看到一个小男孩和他妈妈站在一起。男孩看看我的军装，眼睛睁大了。他兴奋地指着我说：“妈妈，看呀，一个童子军巨人。”

764　Daddy’s home 爸爸回来了

As a woman in the Marines, I often don’t feel as feminine as when I had a civilian job. One day I went to visit my friend who is married to a Marine. When I arrived, I found that my friend and her 18-month-old daughter had been waiting for me. Her little girl glanced up at me and yelled happily, “Daddy’s home!”

作为海军陆战队的女队员，我常常觉得自己不像在当兵前那样有女人味。有一天我去拜访我的嫁给海军陆战队队员的朋友。我到达的时候，看到她和她18个月大的女儿在等我。他的女儿看了我一眼就高兴地喊起来：“爸爸回来了。”

765　Which one is John Wayne? 哪一个是约翰·韦恩？

My husband and my six-year-old daughter sat in front of the TV wat-ching actual World War II footage of the unconditional surrender that ended the war with Japan. As General Douglas MacArthur and Japan’s General Umeza stood on the deck of the USS Missouri and signed documents, my daughter asked, “Which one is John Wayne?”

我丈夫和六岁的女儿坐在电视机前看第二次世界大战的纪录片，日本无条件投降，结束战争。当道格拉斯·麦克阿瑟将军和日本的乌梅将军站在密苏里号航空母舰的甲板上签署文件的时候，我女儿问：“哪一个是约翰·韦恩？”（注：约翰·威是演麦克阿瑟将军的演员。）

766　Something Kids Did Not Expect 孩子们并没有期待的东西

While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma. Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the kids probably did not expect: “breathtaking views.”

在一家报社做公告编辑的时候，看到有一则公告宣传哮喘病儿童夏令营。除了孩子们可以享受的各种活动，如独木舟、游泳、工艺等等以外，它还承诺它的湖滨设施提供孩子们可能并没有期待的东西：“激动人心的风景”。

767　“One-two, one-two” “一二一二”

It began as an innocent game with my toddler son. I’d get in the fighter’s stance and start shadowboxing. Jabbing with both fists, I’d say, “One-two, one-two,” and he would imitate me over and over. I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took our son to a birthday party. When the girl’s mother was handing out noisemakers she leaned over to my son and asked, “Would you like one too?” Saying “One-two, one-two,” my son hit her nose with both fists.

开始只是和我刚会走路的儿子做游戏。我摆出拳击的姿势，开始打空拳。一边用两只拳头猛击，一边“一二一二”地喊。我儿子就一遍又一遍地模仿。我从来也没有想到这个小小的锻炼会有什么后果，直到我太太带他去参加一个生日聚会。当那个女孩子的妈妈给孩子们分发哨子的时候，她凑近我的儿子问：“你也想要一个吗？”我的儿子嘴里“一二一二”地喊着，用两只拳头打了她的鼻子。

768　I guess that’s That 我想那个是“那个”

When my son and daughter bought three exotic birds, they named them This, That and The Other. After a few months, This died, and they buried the bird in the backyard. A few months later, The Other passed away and they buried it next to This. A few more months later, my daughter came home to find out a bird lying on ground. She tearfully announced, “I guess that’s That.”

我的儿子和女儿买了三只热带鸟回来。他们给鸟起的名字叫“这个”、“那个”和“另一个”。过了几个月，“这个”死了。他们把它埋在后院。又过了几个月，“另一个”死了。他们又把它埋在“这个”的旁边。又过了几个月，我女儿回到家里，发现一只鸟躺在地上。她眼泪汪汪地说：“我想那个是‘那个’。”

769　I’ll give you ten bucks 我给你们十块钱

We were going out of state for six weeks and asked the neighbors’ nine-year-old son to care for our dog. We explained that the job required feeding, grooming, walking and, most of all, plenty of love and playtime. Then, we asked him what the job would be worth to him. “I’ll give you ten bucks,” he said.

我们要出远门六个星期，就让邻居九岁的男孩替我们照顾狗。我们解释说，这项工作需要喂食、梳毛、遛狗，最重要的是要有爱心和一起玩的时间。然后我们问他，这对他来说值多少钱。他说：“我给你们十块钱。”

770　A tree’s not much of a present 一棵树也算不上什么礼物

My family wanted to do something to honor my son, who had been sent to Iraq. With the help of my four-year-old grandson, I tied a yellow ribbon on the tree in my front yard. “Why are we doing this, Grandma?” he asked. “It’s for your uncle,” I said. He remarked quietly, “A tree’s not much of a present.”

我们全家想要做点什么来表示对我儿子的敬意。他被派到伊拉克去了。在我四岁孙子的帮助下，我把一条黄绸带绑在前院的一棵树上。他问我：“奶奶，我们为什么要这么做呀？”我说：“这是给你叔叔的。”他轻声评论说：“一棵树也算不上什么礼物呀。”

771　Children Tourists 儿童旅游者

Tourists want to see nature and whales. But a few of their questions have revealed some uncertainty: “What time does the 12 p.m. boat leave?” “What’s an island?” “I’d like to go out to see the whales on August 8. Are the whales going to be out that day?”

旅游者想要看大自然和鲸鱼。但是有些问题显露出他们的不确定性：“12点的船什么时候开？”“岛是什么？”“我打算八月八日去看鲸鱼。那一天鲸鱼会出来吗？”

772　Please, make her stop 求求你，让她停下来

In her first morning home, my daughter started her regular jogging. She saw a little boy on a tricycle watching his mother plant flowers. She returned the boy’s big smile and wave as she ran by, and yelled, “Hi!” She did this every time she saw the boy. As she was passing for the fourth time, the boy turned to his mother. “Please, Mommy,” he begged. “Make her stop.”

我女儿回家的第一个早晨，就开始她常规的慢跑。她看见一个男孩骑着一辆小三轮车，在看他妈妈种花。男孩对着她微笑，她就挥手，说：“你好！”她每次看见男孩的时候都这样做。她第四次经过的时候，男孩回头对他妈妈乞求说：“妈妈，求求你，让她停下来。”

XIV.　婚姻笑话

773　Ours is much better looking 我们的好看得多

A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that?” “Oh,” replies the husband, “that was my mistress.” “That’s it,” says the wife, “I want a divorce.” “Ok,” replies her husband, “but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours.” Just then the wife notices a friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. “Who is that woman with Mike?” she asks. “That’s his mistress,” replies her husband. “Ours is much better looking,” says the wife.

一对夫妇正在一个豪华餐馆用餐。一个使人眼花缭乱的年轻女子走到他们的餐桌前，亲了那位丈夫一口，说了声“回头见”，就走开了。妻子瞪着丈夫问：“她是谁？”丈夫回答说：“哦，那是我的情妇。”妻子说：“得了，我要离婚。”丈夫说：“行，不过你要记住，离了婚可再不能到巴黎去旅行购物，不能到加勒比海去度冬天，车房里没有豪华汽车，也再不能去豪华乡村俱乐部。你自己拿主意吧。”这时候，妻子注意到他们的一个朋友带着一位衣着华贵的妇人走进餐馆。她问：“和麦克在一起的那个女人是谁？”丈夫回答说：“那是他的情妇。”妻子说：“我们的好看得多了。”

774　Wife or Mistress 妻子还是情妇

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

一位建筑师、一位艺术家和一位工程师在一起讨论是花时间和妻子在一起好，还是和情妇在一起好。建筑师说他喜欢和妻子在一起，为持久的关系建立一个坚实的基础。艺术家说他喜欢和情妇在一起，因为他在那里找到激情和神秘感。工程师说：“我两个都喜欢。”“两个？”“对！如果你既有妻子又有情妇，那么她们俩都会认为你是在另一个女人那里。而你就可以躲进实验室去干点事情。”

775　He wouldn’t be my type 他不会是我喜欢的类型

Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots—outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day I found my wife staring at the mess. “I hope I die first, so I don’t have to get rid of all this,” she sighed. “Look on the bright side,” I suggested. “If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a replacement for me.” Still staring at the pile, she said, “Nah. He wouldn’t be my type.”

野鸭诱子、钓鱼竿、靴子，各种各样的户外装备在车库里堆积如山。有一天我看见太太盯着这堆杂乱的脏东西叹息说：“我希望死在你前面。这样我就不用去扔这些东西了。”我说：“要往好的方面想。如果我死在你前面，你可以在报纸上登一则广告。当所有的男人都来买这些东西的时候，你就可以挑一个人来代替我。”她仍然盯着看这堆东西，说：“不，他不会是我喜欢的类型。”

776　Three Nos 三不包

My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk’s office for our marriage license. After recording the vital information—names, dates of birth, etc. —the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, “No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties.”

我和我的准妻子在县政府文书的办公室领取结婚证书。登记完我们的主要信息，如姓名、出生年月等，文书把我们的结婚证书递给我们，并且一本正经地说：“不包退、不包换、不包用。”

777　Confusing 乱套

Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my sister-in-law. Now I can’t make up my mind whether he’s my dad or my brother-in-law, or if my sister-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my cousin.

家庭本来就够复杂的，现在就更乱套了，我爸爸要娶我妻子的姐姐。现在我都不能确定他是我的爸爸还是我的姐夫；也不知道她是我的大姨子还是我的继母；更不知道我的孩子是我的女儿还是我的表妹。

778　A Man vs. a Woman 男人和女人

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

女人总是担心将来，直到找到自己的丈夫；男人从来不担心将来，直到有了自己的妻子。

779　Successful Man and Woman 成功的男人和女人

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

成功的男人就是要能挣太太用不完的钱；成功的女人就是要能找到这样的男人。

780　Happy Man and Woman 快乐的男人和女人

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

要和一个男人在一起很开心，就是要非常理解他，而只要爱他一点点；要和一个女人在一起很开心，就是必须要非常爱她，而根本不要想办法去理解她。

781　A Man vs. a Woman 男人和女人的不同

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

男人喜欢的东西，虽然只值一块钱，也肯花两块钱去买；两块钱的东西降价到一块钱，女人虽然不喜欢，也会去买。

782　Wrong Expectation 错误的期待

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.

女人嫁给男人是希望他会改变，但是他不变；男人娶女人是希望她不会改变，但她却变了。

783　Important Observation 重要的观察

Any married man should forget his mistakes—there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

结了婚的男人应该忘记自己的错误，因为没有必要由两个人来记住同一件事。任何争吵都是由女人说最后一句，因为不论男人说什么，都只会引起一轮新的争吵。

784　She’s probably right 她可能是对的

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?” I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.’” Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband. “She’s probably right,” he said.

在我孙女的婚礼上，主持人逐个询问来宾，看谁结婚的时间最长。结果我和我丈夫结婚的时间最长。主持人问我们：“你们要给这对新婚夫妇什么忠告呢？”我说：“在婚姻中最重要的一句话是‘你可能是对的。’”这时候每个人都期待地看着我的丈夫。他说：“她可能是对的。”

785　Just be satisfied 就该满足了

Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was “just up ahead.” One year I snapped. “Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn’t exist. It’s like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn’t dead, doesn’t have too many bald spots and is straight.”

我们每年12月都要经历同样痛苦的传统。全家天蒙蒙亮就起床，到圣诞树林场，踏过广袤的雪地，寻找完美的树。几个小时以后，我们的脚冻僵了，而妈妈仍然催我们，让我们相信她梦中的树就在前面。有一年，我不干了：“妈妈，现实一点。完美的树并不存在，就像找男人一样。如果你能找到一棵没死的、没有太多秃斑的、直的树，就该满足了。”

786　Odds are good but the goods are odd 少的是好的，但好的是少的

A young woman was our guide on a tour of the old Gold Rush town. I’d heard how guys are the majority in that part of the country, so I asked her: “What’s the ratio of men to women here?” “About one to one. But I’m told Juneau has something like ten men for every woman,” she said. “Why didn’t you move there?” I said. “The odds seem so much better.” “Oh, the odds are good,” she acknowledged with a smile, “but the goods are odd.”

我们在一个淘金热时期的小镇旅游时，一个年轻女子是我们的导游。我曾经听说在我国的这个地区，男人是绝对多数。于是就问她：“这里男人和女人的比例是多少？”“差不多一比一。不过，我听说在朱诺，大约是十比一。”我说：“那你为什么不搬到那里去？奇货可居呀。”她微笑着认同说：“少的是好的，但好的是少的。”

787　Everything’s harder with a ring on 戴着戒指干什么都比较困难

My musician son decided to play guitar at his own wedding reception. That day, tuning his strings was taking longer than usual. “It’s a little harder to do with a ring on,” he apologized to the waiting guests. That’s when a man called out, “Everything’s harder with a ring on.”

我的音乐家儿子决定在自己的婚宴上演奏吉他。那一天，调音所花的时间比通常长一些。他对等着的来宾们道歉说：“戴着戒指调音比较困难一点。”这时候一个男人大声说：“戴着戒指干什么都比较困难。”

788　I am married to your sister 我娶了你的妹妹

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very late every night. One night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. So, she dresses up like Satan and hide in the dark and scare him when he gets home. When the man comes home and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, “You don’t scare me. I am married to your sister!”

有一个男人每天都出去喝酒，晚上很晚才回家。一天晚上他妻子决定给他一个教训。她化装成魔鬼撒旦的模样，躲在黑暗里，等她丈夫回来的时候吓唬他。男人回到家里，他妻子跳出来，对着他的脸尖叫。他只是看着她说：“你不要吓唬我，我娶了你的妹妹。”

789　A Great Invention 伟大的发明

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. The doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10%, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up to 20%. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.

一对夫妇到医院去生孩子。医生说他发明了一种机器，可以把生孩子的痛苦转移一部分给父亲。他问他们是否愿意试试。他们俩都愿意。于是医生把旋钮设置在10%上面。他说，10%就已经比父亲以前所经历过的任何痛苦都要痛了。然而，随着生产的进展，丈夫觉得没问题，就要求医生把机器加到20%。医生测了他的血压和脉搏，对他的良好状况表示惊讶。加到50%的时候，依然没问题。由于这对妻子明显有帮助，他就鼓励医生把全部痛苦都转移到他身上。这样，妻子几乎没有痛苦地生了一个健康的宝宝。一切都非常好，直到他们回到家里，发现邮差死在他们家的门廊里。

790　Are you taking me with you? 你要带我一起去吗？

A poor man and his wife sat down in their living room and the man said, “I’m going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.” The woman replied, “Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?” The man replied, “No, I’m turning the heat off.”

一个穷人和他的妻子坐在客厅里。男人说：“我要到酒馆去一下，你把大衣穿上。”女人回答说：“噢，亲爱的，你要带我一起去吗？”男人说：“不，我要把暖气关掉。”

791　I had her on her knees 我让她下跪了

Three men are at a bar, and two of them are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent. After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?” The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I’ll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.” The first two men are dumbfounded. “Wow! What happened next?” they asked. The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, “She started screaming, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”

三个男人在酒馆里，其中两个在说他们对妻子的管束，第三个在一边默不作声。过了一会儿，那两个人问第三个：“你怎么样？你对你的妻子有什么样的管束？”第三个对前两个说：“嗯，我告诉你们，前天我让她下跪了。”那两个男人惊呆了，他们说：“哇！接下来怎么样？”第三个大大地喝了一口啤酒，叹了一口气，咕哝着说：“她开始尖叫：‘从床底下出来，像男人那样打一架！’”

792　Together we made mud 合在一起，我们就和泥

After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. “I guess it was in our stars,” he sighed. “What do you mean?” I asked. “Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud.”

自从婚姻破裂以后，我的上司变得很乐观。他叹了一口气说：“我猜想这一切都是在我们的星象里注定的。”我问：“你这话什么意思？”“她的星象是属土的，而我的是属水的。合在一起，我们就和泥。”

793　I married better 和我结婚的人比你的好

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. “I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you,” she pointed out. “Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,” I said. She looks mystified. “How do you figure?” “I married better,” I replied.

我和我妻子有一天在一起互相比较。她说：“我的智商比你高，我的高考成绩比你好，我赚钱比你多。”我说：“不错。不过你如果后退一步看看全局，还是我在前面。”她有点不解：“你怎么看出来的？”我回答说：“和我结婚的人比你的好。”

794　Conditional Move 有条件的搬出

His aching back made it impossible for him to get a decent sleep on their lumpy mattress. “Until I feel better, I’m going to sleep on the couch,” he announced. Ordinarily, a spouse moving out of the bedroom isn’t a good sign for the marriage. So his wife couldn’t resist: “Okay, but as soon as we have an argument you’re back in our bed.”

他背痛，在他们凹凸不平的床垫上不能很好入睡，就宣布说：“在我觉得好转以前，我在沙发上睡。”通常，配偶从卧房里搬出来不是婚姻的好征兆。所以他太太忍不住说：“行。不过只要我们俩发生口角，你就得搬回我们的床上睡。”

795　That’s sweet 真甜蜜

On a chilly winter evening, my husband and I were snuggled together watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave my foot a gentle squeeze. “Mmmm,” I said. “That’s sweet.” “Actually,” he admitted, “I thought that was the remote.”

一个寒冬的夜晚，我和我丈夫偎依在一起看电视。在广告休息期间，我丈夫把手伸过来，在我的脚上温柔地捏了一把。我说：“唔，真甜蜜。”他承认说：“其实，我以为那是遥控器。”

796　We don’t have any of those 这三样我们都没有

Both my son and daughter-in-law are full-time college students, and don’t have time or money for anything other than school. I was with them in church when the minister gave a sermon on marriage. “The three most common problems that can lead to divorce,” he warned, “involve money, children and sex.” At that my son whispered to his wife, “Then we should be okay. We don’t have any of those.”

我的儿子和儿媳妇都是全日制的大学生。除了上学以外，他们没有时间和金钱做任何事情。有一次我和他们一起上教堂，听牧师讲关于婚姻的道。他警告说：“导致离婚的三个最常见的问题是钱、孩子和性。”这时候我儿子悄悄对他妻子说：“看来我们应该没问题。这三样我们都没有。”

797　Have they expired? 它们过期了吗？

A priest, who was a good friend of the family, agreed to help celebrate a special Mass for my parents’ 50th anniversary. While he was going over the service, he asked my mother, “Are you planning to renew your vows?” “Why?” Mom asked. “Have they expired?”

一位神父是我们家的好朋友。他同意为我父母的金婚纪念做一次特别的弥撒。在弥撒过程中，他问我妈妈：“你们计划重新立约吗？”妈妈问：“为什么？它们过期了吗？”

798　May—December Romance 5~12月罗曼史

My dapper 51-year-old husband supervises scads of attractive younger women at his law firm. After friends divorced, I had to ask. “Honey, have you ever been tempted by the idea of a May—December romance?” “Not really,” he replied. “I don’t see myself dating older women.”

我的51岁风度翩翩的丈夫在他的律师事务所里管一大帮比他年轻的、有魅力的女人。在朋友们离婚以后，我不得不问他：“亲爱的，你有没有想过5~12月罗曼史啊？”他回答说：“没有。我不想约会比我老的女人。”

799　Doing housework 做家务

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. “See anything you like?” I asked suggestively. “Yeah,” she said. “You’re doing housework.”

我正在弯腰擦厨房地上一滩脏东西的时候，我妻子走了进来，站在我的后面。我暗示性地问：“看见你喜欢的东西了吗？”她说：“对，你在做家务。”

800　Make $22,000 a year 一年挣两万二

One afternoon I was in our living room reading the sports pages. “This pitcher earns $2.2 million a year just for throwing a ball straight,” I ranted to my wife. “Anyone can do that.” I picked up a rubber ball that was lying next to my chair and threw it at a couch cushion. “Look at that,” I bragged. “Bull’s-eye!” My wife tossed the ball back and I threw again, hitting dead center. “Two in a row,” I cheered. My third toss went wild and ricocheted into one of my wife’s favorite pictures, knocking it off the end table. She didn’t even look up. “And that,” she said, “is why you make $22,000 a year.”

一天下午，我在客厅里看报纸的体育版。我愤愤不平地对太太说：“这个投手一年赚220万美金，就因为球投得直。这活谁都能干。”我捡起椅子边上的一个橡皮球，朝沙发垫子扔过去。“你瞧，正中目标。”太太把球扔还给我，我又扔了一次，打在正中。我欢呼起来：“连中两次！”我第三次扔偏了。反弹到我太太喜欢的一张画上，把它从沙发桌上打下去。她连眼睛都没抬一下，说：“这就是为什么你一年挣两万二。”

801　I’ll browse in the hardware store 我在五金店里看看

“You just go ahead,” the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. “While you’re shopping, I’ll browse in the hardware store.” An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows. “Are you buying all this?” his wife asked incredulously. “Well, yes,” he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, “But look at all the stuff I’m leaving behind!”

一名男子在购物中心对他妻子说：“你往前走吧。你买东西的时候我在五金店里看看。”一个小时以后，她回来了，看到他在交款台。那个收银员正在检收那堆足足可以装满两辆手推车的工具和用品。妻子疑惑地问：“你全要买？”他发窘地说：“哦，对。”然后挥舞着手臂指向商店里面说：“不过，瞧瞧所有这些我没买的东西。”

802　Two only one 两个唯一

We sell greeting cards at my drugstore. A young woman handed me one to ring up. It read “To the one and only man in my life.” Then she handed me a second card—with the same message.

我的药店出售贺卡。一个年轻女子来付款，她递给我一张贺卡，卡上写着“送给我一生中唯一的男人”。她又递给我另外一张贺卡，卡上写着同样的字。

803　Free Peanuts 免费的花生米

Recently launched into the “real world” and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my son was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance. “If you got married,” I teased, “the premium would be lower.” He smiled. “That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts.”

我儿子最近才踏入社会，就被随之而来的各种各样的开支所震惊。他正在抱怨汽车保险太贵，我戏弄他说：“你如果结婚，保险费就会便宜一些。”他笑笑说：“这就像为了免费的花生米去买飞机票一样。”

804　I like women who get mad like that 我喜欢像那样发作的女人

While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, “My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself.” His friend nodded. “I like women who get mad like that.”

我在附近五金店排队的时候听到一个男子对另一个说：“我太太一直追在我的屁股后面，催我油漆我们的库房，可是我拖得太久。我太太发作了，自己干了。”他的朋友点点头说：“我喜欢像那样发作的女人。”

805　That guy is me 那个人是我

About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and discovered a message from my ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”

自从我和睦离婚至今已经有一年了，我觉得是开始再找对象的时候了。我不知道该如何开始，就先翻阅一下本地报纸的征婚专栏。看到有三个人似乎是很有希望的候选人。过了两天，我在听电话留言的时候听到我前夫的留言。他说：“我昨天到你那里看了看孩子。我在那里的时候偶尔发现你在报纸的广告上划了几个圈。你就不必麻烦打电话给第二栏里的那个家伙了。我现在就可以告诉你，那个人不成，那是我。”

806　You got the house 你分得了房子

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. “Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired. “No,” I replied. “Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”

我的离婚手续办完以后，我来到附近的机动车管理署，要求他们把我驾驶执照上的姓氏改回娘家的姓。办事员问我：“地址要不要改？”我回答说：“不用改。”她很高兴地说：“噢，好，你分得了房子。”

807　There must be some mistake 这一定是弄错了

Every year on our wedding anniversary my wife and I celebrated by staying at the same hotel. On our 25th anniversary we booked our usual room. But when the hotel’s bell captain escorted us upstairs, we were in for a big surprise. “There must be some mistake,” I said. “This looks like the bridal suite.” “It’s okay,” the bell captain reassured me. “If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn’t mean you have to dance.”

每一年的结婚纪念日我和太太都要住在同一家旅馆里庆祝。在庆祝银婚的时候，我们订了我们通常订的房间。但是，当旅馆的侍者带我们上楼的时候，我们大吃一惊。我说：“这一定是弄错了。这间房间看上去像是新娘套房。”侍者安慰我说：“这没关系。如果我带你到舞厅，这并不意味着你一定要跳舞。”

808　Of course 当然

A woman looked at my chest and said, “Of course.” That’s when I realized I was wearing a T-shirt. It read, “If a man says something in the woods where no woman can hear, is he still wrong?”

一个女人看着我的胸口说：“当然。”这时候我才意识到自己穿着一件T恤衫，上面写着：“如果一个男人在森林里说了一些女人们听不见的话，他仍然是错的吗？”

809　Lucky you 你好走运

While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver. “It was my wife’s idea,” I explained to the salesman at the counter. “She’s buying it for me as a gift.” “Lucky you,” he said as he started to write up the order. “My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block.”

当我在船舶装备商店为我的船添置设备的时候，我还买了一件充气式救生衣。我对柜台里的售货员说：“这是我太太的主意。她买这个送给我做礼物。”他一边写我的订单，一边说：“你好走运。我太太送给我一根长链子和一块水泥块。”

810　Wasn’t I married to you once? 我是不是曾经娶过你？

An out-of-town fellow pilot missed a turn to his gate at Airport, a harmless mistake that nonetheless ruffles the feathers of the ground controllers. I heard one of the controllers, a woman, holler through the radio, “Where do you think you’re going?” She followed with a torrent of harshly worded instructions. Then came a third voice. “Hey,” an unidentified pilot remarked, “wasn’t I married to you once?”

一位外来的飞行员错过了通往他的停机口的拐弯。尽管只是一个没什么害处的错误，却仍然引起地面控制人员的不快。我听见一个女的控制人员在无线电里呼喊：“你以为你要到哪里去？”接下来是一串用词非常不雅的命令。这时候，插进来第三个声音。一个未报身份的飞行员说：“喂，我是不是曾经娶过你？”

811　She can’t sing along 她就不能同时唱了

My mom had always wanted to learn to play the piano, so Dad bought her one for her birthday. A few weeks later, I called and asked how she was doing. “We returned the piano,” said Dad. “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.” “Why?” I asked. “Because,” he explained, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing along.”

我妈妈一直想学钢琴，因此我爸爸送给她一架钢琴作为生日礼物。过了几个星期，我打电话去问我妈妈弹得怎么样。我爸爸说：“我们把钢琴退了。我说服她改学单簧管。”我问：“为什么？”他解释说：“因为吹单簧管的时候她就不能唱了。”

812　You’re the only one 你是唯一一个

My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school—the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm—I said to my wife, “I’m the only guy here who can wear the suit he graduated in.” She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me. “You’re the only one who has to.”

我和太太一起参加高中同学重聚。我看了一圈，注意到其他男人都穿着昂贵的西装，大腹便便。我为我只比在高中读书的时候重了五磅而自豪。这是靠布满石头的山坡农场谋生的结果。我对我太太说：“我是这里唯一一个能穿毕业时候穿的礼服的男人。”她瞥了一眼成功的一群，然后看了我一眼：“你是唯一一个不得不穿毕业时候穿的礼服的男人。”

813　If you smile, put them back 如果你微笑，就把它们放回去

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was “comfortable underwear.” I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?” “Hold them up and imagine them on me,” she said. “If you smile, put them back.”

我太太在没有预期的情况下紧急住进医院，她让我从家里带一些东西给她。在她的单子上有一项是“舒服的裤衩”。我问她：“我怎么知道拿哪些？”她说：“把它们拿起来，想像它们穿在我身上。如果你微笑，就把它们放回去。”

814　You say something worth $300 你说的话值300美元

For years I tried unsuccessfully to persuade my wife to get a hearing aid. “How much do they cost?” she asked one day after I had pitched the idea to her again. “They’re usually about $300,” I said. “Okay, if you say something worth $300,” she replied, “I’ll get one.”

好多年来，我试图说服我太太配一副助听器都没有成功。有一天，我再一次向她提出这个想法。她问我：“配一副助听器要多少钱？”我说：“通常是300美元。”她回答说：“好，什么时候你说的话值300美元，我就配一副。”

815　Better take the dog with you 最好带着狗去

Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at my office, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said, “You’re not going down there by yourself at this hour.” Just as I was thinking how thoughtful of him, he added, “Better take the dog with you.”

每当我的办公室的警报器在非上班时间响起来的时候，保安公司就会打电话到我家里，我就只好回办公室重新设置警报器。有一天半夜我又接到这样的电话，我正要出门的时候，我丈夫有气无力地说：“这么晚了，你不要自己一个人去。”我正在想他真关心我的时候，他接着说：“最好带着狗去。”

816　She named the boat 她给船起了名字

Mike wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. “I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?” Being a good sport, she accepted. And when Mike went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: For Sale.

麦克想要一条船胜过其他一切。他的妻子一直反对，不过他还是买了。他对妻子说：“我跟你说，按照折中的精神，我让你给这条船起一个名字。”他太太表现了高尚的道德，接受了这个条件。当麦克到码头去作处女航的时候，他看到在船上油漆的船名“出让”。

817　Go in one ear and out the other 一个耳朵进，另一个耳朵出

A newly divorced woman came to my jewelry store and asked me to make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band, one earring read, “with all” and the other “my love.” I asked her why she wanted it done that way. She answered, “To remind me the next time anyone said that to me, to let it go in one ear and out the other.”

一个新近离婚的女人到我的珠宝店，要求我把她的一个刻了字的结婚戒指改成一对耳环。把原来戒指上的字“带着我全部的爱”分别放在两个耳环上。我问她为什么要这么改。她回答说：“这是要提醒我自己，以后不论谁对我说这样的话，就让它从一个耳朵进，从另一个耳朵出。”

818　I can’t find one my wife will believe 我找不到一张卡我太太会相信

A man spent a half-hour searching for an anniversary greeting card. Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, I went over to see if I could help. “Is there a problem?” I asked. “Yes, there is,” he replied ruefully. “I can’t find one my wife will believe.”

一个男子花了半个小时找结婚周年纪念卡。我注意到他看看这张，又看看那张，就走过去看看我能帮什么忙。我问他：“有什么困难吗？”他可怜兮兮地说：“是有困难。我找不到一张卡我太太会相信。”

819　Who did I ask to go to the dump? 我邀请谁和我一起去垃圾场了？

My husband is a workaholic, so we hardly see each other. Just to spend some time with him, I climbed onto the roof one day while he was putting up shingles. But after a while, I’d had enough. “We don’t do anything fun,” I said. “We never go out like other couples.” “What do you mean?” said my husband. Putting down his hammer, he gazed into my eyes and, with as much romance as he could muster, said, “So who did I ask to go to the dump with me this morning?”

我的丈夫是一个工作狂，因此我们很少见面。为了和他在一起呆一会儿，有一天我爬上了屋顶。他正在那里铺屋顶板。但是过了一会儿我就腻了。我说：“我们一点乐趣也没有。我们从来不像其他夫妻那样出去玩。”我丈夫说：“这是什么意思？”他放下锤子，看着我的眼睛，用他所能发出的最浪漫的声音说：“今天早上我邀请谁和我一起去垃圾场了？”

820　I am going to use my maiden name 我要用我的娘家姓了

A regular customer came to my counter and started writing a check for her purchases. “This is the last check you’ll see of mine with the name Smith,” she announced happily. “My new checks will have the name Brown.” “My congratulations to the lucky man!” I replied. In a cheerful voice, she said, “Brown is my maiden name. I’m getting a divorce.”

一个老主顾走到我的收银台前，开始写支票付账。她快活地说：“这是你看见的最后一张用史密斯这个姓的支票了。我的新支票要用布朗这个姓了。”我回答说：“我祝贺这位幸运的男人！”她用兴高采烈的声音说：“布朗是我的娘家姓。我正在离婚。”

821　Which door you can fit through 哪一个门你能过得去

I was helping a man purchase a new door for his home. After showing him variety of styles, I asked the man what size door he needed. The stumped man yelled clearly across the store to his wife, “Honey, come over here and see which one of these doors you can fit through.”

我正在招呼一个男顾客，要为他家里买一扇新的门。向他展示了各种不同样式的门以后，我问他门要多大尺寸的。这个男顾客被难倒了。他大声地喊在商店那一头的妻子：“亲爱的，快过来，看看这些门哪一个你能过得去。”

822　The Atlantic Ocean 大西洋

My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what seemed like years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup. My doctor asked me what I was using for birth control. I gave the only possible response I could: “The Atlantic Ocean.”

我的丈夫驻扎在欧洲，我觉得他离开家好像已经许多年了。我去做一年一度的例行妇科检查的时候，医生问我用什么方法避孕。我给了他我唯一可能的回答：“大西洋。”

823　Love didn’t stick 爱没有粘住

While I was stationed overseas, my wife wrote to me daily. For an added touch, she’d always scribble little abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelopes. One day I received a letter with the familiar “SWL” (sealed with love) message on the envelope. I noticed that the letter was sealed with tape and a notation written by a postal employee: “Love didn’t stick—resealed in Seattle.”

当我驻扎在海外的时候，我的妻子每天给我写一封信。为了再加一点感情，她总是在信封外面涂写上一些缩写的短信息。有一天我收到一封信，信封外面写着熟悉的缩写“用爱封上”。我注意到信上贴有胶带和邮局工作人员写的注脚“爱没有粘住——在西雅图重封。”

824　Priceless 无价之宝

Since I’m at a base in Korea, my family has to stay behind in the States. Every package I get from them comes with a customs form listing the contents and their value. Once, I got a box from home. The contents listed on the form read: “Homemade chocolate chip cookies.” In the space marked “Value,” my wife wrote: “Priceless.”

因为我驻扎在韩国的军事基地，我的家人只能留在美国。从家里寄给我的每一个包裹都带有一张海关的表格，列出包裹中的物品和价值。有一次，我收到家里寄来的一个盒子。在表格的物品一栏写着“家制巧克力碎片饼干”，在价值一栏里我太太写道“无价之宝”。

825　He is already used to taking orders 他已经习惯于服从命令

Sign posted in the Army recruiting office: “Marry a veteran, girls. He can cook, make beds, sew and is already used to taking orders.”

在陆军征兵办公室里贴着一张告示：“姑娘们，嫁给老兵吧！他会做饭、铺床、缝纫，而且已经习惯于服从命令。”

826　A Smart Message 一封聪明的信

My father, an engineer on a submarine, was often out at sea. As a result, he sometimes forgot about family occasions. One year he missed my mother’s birthday. Unfortunately, it was impossible for her to tell him how furious she was since the Navy screened all messages, editing out anything that could be considered disturbing to the men on board. However, my mother was not so easily defeated. She sent my dad a message, thanking him profusely for the lovely birthday present he so kindly remembered to send her. Navy personnel forwarded the note. Dad got the message—and never forgot my mother’s birthday again.

我爸爸是潜艇上的工程师，经常出海，因此他有时候会忘记家里的大事。有一年他忘记了我妈的生日。遗憾的是，我妈没办法告诉我爸爸，她有多生气。因为海军要检查信件，扣压任何可能会影响舰上人员情绪的信息。然而，我妈妈不是那么容易打败的。她给我爸爸写了一封信，深深地感谢他记得给她寄这么可爱的生日礼物。海军部门把信转给了我爸爸。我爸爸从此再也没有忘记我妈的生日。

827　My ex-husband was in the Army 我的前夫也是在陆军

After spending a wonderful week together, my fiancé dropped me off at the airport and returned to his base. I didn’t realize how much I’d miss him until I reached the plane and burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” asked the woman seated next to me. Between sobs I told her the sad story of my long-distance relationship. “If you truly love him, it will work,” she said. “I know. My ex-husband was in the Army.”

我和男朋友一起度过了美好的一星期之后，他把我送到机场，就回他的基地去了。一直到我上了飞机，忍不住哭起来的时候，我才知道我有多么想念他。坐在我身边的女人问我：“怎么回事儿？”我呜呜咽咽地告诉她我们这种悲哀的、远距离的关系。她说：“如果你真正爱他，这种关系能够维持。我知道，因为我的前夫也是在陆军。”

828　Men and Parking Spots 男人和停车位

How are men and parking spots the same? All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped!

男人和停车位有什么相同之处？所有好的都有主了，剩下的都是残疾人了。

829　Difference between Man and Woman 男人和女人的区别

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see they were of a younger, slimmer me taken on one of my first dates with my husband. When I showed him the photographs, his face lit up. “Wow! It’s my old Plymouth.”

我在抽屉里找到两张黑白底片。出于好奇，我把它们印了出来。我惊喜地发现那是既年轻又苗条的我初次和我的丈夫约会的时候拍的。我拿照片给我丈夫看的时候，他的脸上放出了光彩：“哇！这是我的那辆老的普利茅斯车。”

830　My hands fit perfectly around his neck 我的两只手刚好卡住他的脖子

While I was working in the men’s section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first. Then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. “I don’t know his size,” she said, “but my hands fit perfectly around his neck.”

我在百货公司的男装部工作的时候，一个女人要我帮她为她丈夫选一件白衬衣。我问她丈夫穿什么尺寸，她开始有点困惑，随后她的脸就发光了。她用两只手的四指和大拇指合在一起，做成一个圆圈。她说：“我不知道他穿什么尺寸，但是我的两只手刚好卡住他的脖子。”

831　Ten New Pairs of Shoes 十双新鞋

One afternoon my wife went shopping and returned a few hours later with ten new dresses. “Ten!” I hollered. “What could any woman possibly want with ten new dresses?” My wife replied in a calm voice: “Ten new pairs of shoes.”

有一天下午，我太太去购物。几个小时以后，她带着十件新衣服回来了。我大喊起来：“十件衣服！任何一个女人有了十件新衣服还可能想要什么东西？”我太太以平静的声音回答：“十双新鞋。”

832　You didn’t miss a thing 你什么也没耽误

As in many homes on weekends, my wife and I faced the conflict of which was more important—the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold beer for me with her. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing. “See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”

和许多家庭的周末一样，我和太太也面临这样的争执：是看电视上的橄榄球比赛重要，还是吃饭重要。为了保持和平，我和家人一起吃饭，甚至还参与了一些饭后愉快的谈话。然后，我就退下来，到活动室里打开电视机。几分钟以后，我太太下楼来，甚至和蔼地给我拿来一瓶凉啤酒。她微笑着亲吻我的脸颊，问我比分是多少。我告诉她，现在第三局都打完了，比分还是零比零。她继续微笑着说：“瞧，你什么也没耽误。”

833　Calling the boyfriend 打电话给男朋友

I dialed my boyfriend’s new telephone number, and got a woman. “Is Mike there?” I asked. “He’s in the shower,” she responded. “Please tell him his girlfriend called,” I said and hung up. When he didn’t return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. “This is Mike,” he said. “You’re not my boyfriend!” I exclaimed. “I know,” he replied. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour.”

我拨了男朋友的新电话号码，一个女人接电话。我问：“麦克在吗？”她说：“他在洗澡。”“请你告诉他，他的女朋友打电话给他。”说完我就挂了。我的男朋友没有回电，于是我又打过去。这次是一个男的接电话。他说：“我是麦克。”我大喊起来：“你不是我的男朋友！”他说：“我知道哇。这正是我在这半小时里想要向我太太说明白的事。”

834　40 Year Curse 40年的咒语

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

一个老人到巫士那里，问他能不能解除一条伴随他生活了40年的咒语。巫士说：“或许可以。不过你得告诉我，把这条咒语加在你身上的时候确切的用词。”这个老人毫不犹豫地说：“现在我宣布你们为合法夫妻。”

835　It’s thirty-six percent more baby 这是个重了36%的婴儿

Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When my fourth arrived, he was much larger. The reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, “Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces.” My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who had been quiet up until this point, could contain himself no longer. “How about that!” he exclaimed happily. “It’s thirty-six percent more baby!”

我们的前三个孩子都是女孩，生下来的时候都是差不多七磅。第四个是个男孩，他就大得多了。一个护士在称体重：“九磅八盎司。”她看来对这个读数印象深刻。我丈夫是一个公司财务部的专业会计师。他一直没有开口，直到这时候他忍不住高兴地大声说：“这么说吧，这是个重了36%的婴儿。”

XV.　黑色笑话

836　A Flattered Man 受宠若惊的男人

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “Look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman doesn’t take the bottle, “No. I think I’ll wait for the police…”

一个女人和一个男人卷入一场交通事故。他们俩的车都完全毁坏了。幸好他们俩谁也没受伤。他们俩从各自的车里爬出来以后，那个女的说：“你是个男的，我是个女的。有意思。看看，我们的车全毁了，但是我们俩谁也没受伤。这一定是上帝的旨意，要我们俩相遇，成为朋友，并且要我们在以后的日子里住在一起平安地生活。”那个男的受宠若惊地说：“对呀！我完全同意。这一定是上帝的旨意。”那个女的接着说：“看看，这是另外一个奇迹。我的车完全毁坏了，但是这瓶葡萄酒却没有打碎。显然上帝要我们喝这瓶酒来庆祝我们的好运气。”她把酒瓶递给男的。那个男的点头表示同意，打开酒瓶，喝了半瓶，然后把瓶子递还给女的。那女的没有接，“不，我想我要等警察来……”

837　My First Day with the Hook 第一天用假手

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar and they take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch. The sailor asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” “We were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” said the sailor. “What about your hook?” “Well,” replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the Middle East, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft is the loss of the hand that steals.” “Incredible!” remarked the sailor. “How did you get the eye patch?” “A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.” replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”

一个海员在酒店里碰到一个海盗。他们俩轮流吹嘘自己在惊涛骇浪里的冒险经历。海员注意到这个海盗有一条假腿、一只用钩子做的假手，还戴着一个黑眼罩。他问：“你怎么丢了那条腿？”“我们在海上遇到了大风暴，我被卷进大海，落到一群鲨鱼当中。正当我的伙伴把我拉上来的时候，鲨鱼咬掉了我的腿。”海员说：“噢，那么那只假手呢？”海盗回答说：“嗯，我和伙伴们在中东偷盗，我在偷一家商店的时候被抓到了。在那里对偷盗的惩罚是砍掉偷东西的那只手。”海员说：“真是令人难以相信。那你怎么戴上黑眼罩的呢？”海盗回答说：“嗨，一块海鸥粪掉进了我的眼睛。”“一块海鸥粪使你失去了眼睛？”海盗回答说：“不是，那是我第一天用假手。”

838　He made his own lunch 他自己准备的午餐

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on the 20th floor of a building. The Irishman opened his lunch box and said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.” The blonde opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.” Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!” The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.” Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said. “He made his own lunch.”

一个爱尔兰人、一个墨西哥人和一个金发男子在一栋高楼的20层楼搞建筑施工。爱尔兰人打开饭盒说：“又是肉末洋白菜！如果明天午餐还是肉末洋白菜，我就从这里跳下去。”墨西哥人打开饭盒说：“又是粗卷饼！如果明天午餐还是粗卷饼，我就从这里跳下去。”金发男子打开饭盒说：“又是博罗尼亚香肠！如果明天午餐还是博罗尼亚香肠，我就从这里跳下去。”第二天中午，爱尔兰人打开饭盒看到又是肉末洋白菜，就从楼上跳下去死了。墨西哥人打开饭盒看到又是粗卷饼，就从楼上跳下去死了。金发男子打开饭盒看到又是博罗尼亚香肠，也从楼上跳下去死了。在葬礼上，爱尔兰人的老婆哭着说：“我如果知道他这么恨肉末洋白菜，我决不会让他再吃肉末洋白菜。”墨西哥人的老婆哭着说：“我可以让他吃脆饼或者细卷饼。我不知道他这么恨粗卷饼。”这时候，大家都转向金发男子的老婆。她说：“嘿！不要看着我。是他自己准备的午餐。”

839　The numbers followed 9-1-1 9-1-1后面的号码

“Did you hear what happened?” Mike asked when he saw me walking down the hallway. “Hear what,” I asked. “Terry, the vice president died about one hour ago.” “What?” I asked, totally stunned. “He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack,” Mike began explaining, “Everyone was gone except his secretary.” “Boy, was that young blonde babe?” “Yeah that’s the one. Turns out she isn’t too smart, though.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “Terry kept yelling at her ‘to call 9-1-1.’ She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number.”

我在走廊里碰见麦克。他问我：“你知道发生什么事了吗？”我说：“什么事？”“我们的副总裁泰瑞大约一个小时前死了。”“什么？”我完全惊呆了。麦克开始解释：“他在午饭时间工作，心肌梗塞发作了。除了他的秘书以外，谁都不在。”“乖乖，是那个年轻的金发宝贝吗？”“是呀，就是她。结果她看来不是太聪明。”我问：“你什么意思？”“泰瑞一直对她喊：‘打911’，她却一直站在那里等泰瑞给她911后面的号码。”

840　Blind Golfer 盲人高尔夫球手

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf one morning. They found the group ahead of them was particularly slow. They found the greens-keeper and asked why. The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

一天上午，一位牧师、一位医生、一位工程师在打高尔夫。他们发现前面的那一组特别慢，就找草坪养护工人来问。草坪养护工人说：“对，那一组是盲人消防队员。他们去年在抢救我们俱乐部房子的时候失明了。所以，他们不论什么时候来都免费玩。”牧师说：“真可悲。今天晚上我会为他们做一个特别祷告。”医生说：“我要问问我的眼科医生朋友，看看他能为他们做什么。”工程师说：“他们为什么不能晚上来玩儿呢？”

841　Yield 让

There were only two cars at the on ramp, but no one was moving. Clearly the first driver was too timid to blend into the flow of traffic. Opportunity after opportunity passed her by, and cars piled up on the ramp. Finally, the driver moved, spurred by an exasperated motorist at the end of the line, who yelled, “The sign says yield, not surrender!”

在融入高速公路的转盘道上只有两辆车，但是我们都没有前进。显然是我前面那辆车的司机太胆怯，不敢融入高速公路的车流中去。她把一个又一个机会都错过了，转盘道上的车越积越多。最后，排在最后面的司机跳出来大喊：“这标志上写的是‘让’，不是‘放弃’。”受了激励，车开动了。

842　Who honked the horn 谁按了喇叭

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck’s path. I rushed to see if she was all right. “I’m fine,” she assured me, “but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn’t honked.”

我开车进到一个停车场的时候，看到一条狗坐在一辆小型卡车的方向盘后面，正朝着一个步行的妇女滑行过去。她似乎没有觉察。于是我就按喇叭警告她。她及时抬起头来，跳出卡车的行进路线。我赶紧跑过去看看她有没有受伤。她说：“我没事。不过我不敢想象，如果那条狗不按喇叭的话，我会出什么事。”

843　As soon as you wake up 一醒过来

Our co-worker went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place look-ing for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man’s chest. “As long as you’re asleep,” it reads, “you have a job. But as soon as you wake up, you’re fired.”

我们的同事丢了好几个小时，我们挖地三尺到处找他。老板最后找到他的时候，他正睡得香。老板并没有叫醒他，而是悄悄地把一张纸条放在他的胸口：“只要你还睡着，你就有工作。但是，你一醒过来就被开除了。”

844　Stoop so low 腰弯得这么低

Our manager was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in front of him-his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, “Someone just picked my pocket!” Most of my fellow workers were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, “How could anyone stoop so low?”

我们的经理是一个快活的、招人喜爱的人。但是，有一件事是不敢在他面前谈论的，那就是他的高度，或者确切地说，是他缺乏高度。有一天，他急匆匆地冲进门，生气地告诉大家：“刚才有人偷走了我的钱包”。大多数同事都没说话，只有一个人脱口而出：“谁的腰能弯得这么低？”

845　The Worst Day 最倒霉的一天

I asked a crop-duster, how his day had gone. “It was the worst day of my life,” replied the man. “This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, ‘Don’t you have any cold beers?’ The bartender said, ‘Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.’”

我问一个开喷洒农药飞机的人这一天过得怎么样。他说：“这是我这辈子最倒霉的一天。今天早上我到一块地上空喷洒农药，刮到了输电线，碰坏了飞机翅膀。回到办公室，我老板把我训了一顿。然后，从联邦飞行总署来的家伙又把我训了一顿。回家的路上，我去一家酒店。给我的是一瓶温啤酒。我对酒店老板大喊：‘你们没有凉啤酒吗？’酒店老板说：‘对不起，今天早上路那边一个开喷洒农药飞机的白痴撞断了输电线，从那以后我们就停电了。’”

846　Change dark blue suit 换深蓝色西装

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband. She tells the director she’d like him to be buried in a dark blue suit. “Wouldn’t it be easier to bury him in the black suit he’s wearing?” he asks. But she insists on dark blue and gives him a blank check to buy one with. The woman returns for the wake later that day and sees her husband in the coffin wearing a dark-blue suit. “It’s beautiful,” says the woman. “How much did it cost?” “Nothing,” says the director. “After you left, a corpse with a blue suit was brought in. They were about the same size so I asked his widow if she would mind if her husband was buried in a black suit. She said fine, so I switched the heads.”

一个女人到殡仪馆去安排她丈夫的丧事。她告诉负责人她要让她的丈夫穿着深蓝色的西装入殓。负责人问：“让他穿着现在穿的这身黑西装不是比较方便吗？”但是，她坚持要换深蓝色，并且给了他一张空白支票让他去办。晚些时候，这个女人回来守灵，看到她的丈夫穿着深蓝色的西装躺在棺材里。她说：“挺漂亮。花了多少钱？”负责人说：“没花钱。你走了以后，送来一具穿蓝西装的尸体。他们俩差不多尺寸。我就问他的遗孀，在不在意让她的丈夫穿黑西装入殓。她说可以。因此我就把两颗头互相交换了。”

847　The female brain has never been used 这颗女性的脑子从来没有用过

One day a group of men and women went to a scientific institute. The doctor there was showing them brains from real people and telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a male brain and ten million dollars for a female brain. One of the women said, “Well, why is that, sir?” The doctor answered, “The female brain has never been used.”

有一天，一群男男女女到一家科学研究所去。那里的博士向他们展示从真人身上取下来的脑子，告诉他们买一个有多贵。他说买一个男性的脑子要五百万美金，买一个女性的脑子要一千万美金。一个女子问：“为什么会这样？”博士回答说：“这颗女性的脑子从来没有用过。”

848　I was to say something 我是想说什么

Mike and his wife Lisa went to the state fair every year. Every year Mike would say, “Lisa, I’d like to ride in that airplane.” And every year Lisa would say, “I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” One year Mike and Lisa went to the fair and Mike said, “Lisa, I’m 70 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance.” Lisa replied, “Mike, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.” Mike and Lisa agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Mike, “I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.” Mike replied, “Well, I was to say something when Lisa fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

麦克和他的妻子丽莎每年都去参观州博览会。每年麦克都说：“丽莎，我想坐那架飞机。”每年丽莎都说：“麦克，我知道。可是坐那架飞机要花十块钱，十块钱是很贵的。”有一年，麦克和他的妻子丽莎又来参观博览会。麦克说：“丽莎，我已经70岁了。如果我今年不坐飞机，就可能再也没有机会了。”丽莎说：“麦克，坐那架飞机要花十块钱，十块钱是很贵的。”飞行员听见他们说的话，就说：“老乡们，我来和你们做一笔交易。我让你们俩都上去飞一圈。如果你们在整个飞行中不说话，我就不收你们的钱。但是，只要你们说一个字，那就要收十块钱。”他们俩同意了，上了飞机。飞行员做了种种扭、拐、升、降等动作，没听到他们说一句话。于是把全套把戏又演一遍，还是没听到他们说一句话。飞机降落以后，飞行员对麦克说：“我尽了一切努力来让你们喊叫，但是你们没有叫。”麦克说：“嗯，丽莎掉出去的时候我是想说什么。可是十块钱是很贵的。”

849　But you don’t have a pool 可是你没有游泳池

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, “Who is this?” “This is the maid,” answers the woman. “We don’t have a maid,” says the man. The woman says, “I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.” The man says, “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?” The woman replies, “She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband.” The guy is fuming and says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?” The maid says, “What will I have to do?” The man tells her, “I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she’s with.” The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone, “What do I do with the bodies?” The man says, “Throw them in the swimming pool.” Puzzled, the maid answers, “But you don’t have a pool.” A long pause, and the man says, “Is this 567-5309?”

一个男人给家里打电话，一个陌生女人接电话。男人问：“你是谁？”女人回答：“我是女佣人。”男人说：“我们没有佣人。”女人说：“我是今天上午女主人雇来的。”男人说：“嗯，我是她的丈夫。她在吗？”女人说：“她在楼上卧室里和我以为是她丈夫的人睡觉。”男人火了，对女佣人说：“你想不想赚五万块钱？”女人问：“那我得干什么？”男人告诉她说：“我想让你到写字台去拿我的枪，打死这个婊子和那个和她睡在一起的傻瓜。”女佣人放下了电话。男人听见脚步声，还有两声枪响。女佣人回来接电话：“我怎么处理这两具尸体？”男人说：“把他们扔进游泳池里。”女佣人一头雾水：“可是你没有游泳池。”男人停顿了很长时间以后问：“你的电话号码是567-5309吗？”

850　The Last Known Position 所知道的最后位置

Following a few frantic minutes, air-traffic controllers finally made radio contact with the lost young pilot. “What was your last known position?” they asked. “When I was No. 1 for takeoff,” came the reply.

经过狂乱的几分钟，空中交通控制台终于和失踪的青年飞行员取得了无线电联络。他们问：“你所知道的最后位置在哪里？”回答：“我在起飞线排第一。”

851　False Teeth 假牙

Mike is at a banquet and keeps complaining that his false teeth are hurting him. The guy sitting to his left reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of dentures. He hands them to Mike and says, “Try these.” Mike tries them, and says, “Thanks anyway, but they’re too tight.” The guy pulls out another set and hands them to Mike. They fit perfectly, so Mike wears them for the entire night. At the end of the banquet, Mike hands them back to the guy and says, “They fit me perfectly. Are you a dentist?” The guy says, “No, I’m an undertaker.”

麦克在一个宴会上。他一直抱怨他的假牙让他很痛。坐在他左面的人从口袋里掏出一副假牙，递给麦克说：“试试这副。”麦克试了试说：“谢谢你，不过太紧了。”那人掏出另一副假牙递给麦克。这副正合适，所以麦克一晚上都戴着它。宴会结束的时候，麦克把假牙还给那人，说：“这副正合适。你是牙医吗？”那人说：“不是。我是殡仪馆的。”

852　Fixed Income 固定收入

A client stopped by my office at the United Way and took a seat. He was in a bind, he said. He’d gone through all his money and needed help paying his next utility bill. I told him I’d do what I could. As I took down his information, he raised an excellent question. “Why,” he asked dolefully, “do they call it ‘fixed income’ when I’m broke all the time?”

一个当事人走进我在慈善机构“联合之路”的办公室坐下来。他说他正处于困境之中。他的钱全部用完了，需要我们帮助他付下一份水电费账单。我告诉他我会尽我所能。在我记录他的有关信息的时候，他提了一个极好的问题。他愁眉苦脸地问：“我一直处于破产之中，为什么他们还说是‘固定收入’呢？”

853　I can bite my eye 我能咬自己的眼睛

One night a man comes to a bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Bet you $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, bet you another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty.

一天晚上，一个男子走进酒馆，坐下来，点了一瓶啤酒。很快喝完了一瓶啤酒之后，他把酒馆老板招呼过来说：“我和你打20美元的赌，赌我能咬自己的眼睛。”酒馆老板答应了。然后，这个男子平静地把自己的假眼珠摘下来咬了一口。酒馆老板很不情愿地给了他20美元。那天晚上晚些时候，又喝了几瓶啤酒之后，这个男子醉醺醺地说：“嘿，老板，我再和你打20美元的赌，赌我能咬自己另外一只眼睛。”老板想赢回自己的钱，而且认定这个男子不可能有两只假眼珠，就答应了。这个男子平静地把自己的假牙拿下来，咬自己另外一只眼睛。酒馆老板面带怒容，又给了他20美元。

854　The First Ride 第一次骑车

When our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her in the chin.

当我的女儿大到可以坐在我的自行车后面的时候，我买了一个专用的、有安全带的车座，并且给她买了一顶小头盔。第一次骑的那一天，我把她放在车座上，认真检查了所有的装备，推着自行车到私人车道的尽头，小心地看了看两边的车辆，然后把腿甩过横梁，却一不小心踢到了我女儿的下巴。

855　Not just once 不只是一次

I had volunteered to tar the roof on my father’s shed. I was about halfway done when I slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud, Dad looked up. “What happened?” I got up and began to say, “All I did was…” when my feet shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a second time.

我自告奋勇地为我父亲的小木棚的屋顶浇沥青。在做了差不多一半的时候，我滑了一下，摔了个狗吃屎，我的衬衣、裤子，甚至头发都沾上了黏糊糊的黑东西。听到我摔倒的声音，我父亲往上看，问：“发生了什么事？”我站起来说：“我做的是……”脚下一滑，第二次摔倒在沥青上。

856　I’ve just been de-wormed 我刚才吃了驱虫药

Mike, our boxer, hated taking his medicine. After a lot of trial and error my father eventually figured out the simplest way to get it into him: blow it down his throat with something called a pill tube. So Dad put the large tablet in one end of the tube, forced the dog’s jaws open, and poked the other end into his mouth. Then, just as my father inhaled to blow, Mike coughed. A startled look appeared on Dad’s face. He opened his eyes wide and swallowed hard. “I think I’ve just been de-wormed,” he gasped.

我们的斗拳狗麦克讨厌吃药。经过多次试验和失败，我父亲最后发现最简单的喂药方法是用一种叫做药片管的东西，把药吹进他的喉咙。于是，我父亲把一个大药片放在管子的一头，把狗的嘴掰开，把管子的另一头伸进狗的嘴里。就在我父亲吸气要吹的时候，麦克咳嗽了。父亲的脸上出现了惊恐的表情，他睁大了眼睛，困难地吞咽着说：“我想我刚才吃了驱虫药。”

857　We figured it was a joke 我们以为这是恶作剧

Making hotel reservations can be complicated when my last name is Hilton and my boyfriend’s is Marriott. Before going to Hawaii for our wedding we booked separate rooms. Delayed flights and lost luggage got us in very late. When we told the clerk our names, his eyes widened. “We gave away your rooms,” he apologized. “When no one showed up, we figured it was a joke.”

预定旅馆这样简单的事情可以变得很复杂，因为我姓希尔顿，而我的男朋友姓马利奥。我们在去夏威夷举行婚礼之前预订了两个房间。可是我们的飞机晚点了，行李也找不到了。等我们到旅馆的时候已经很晚了。当我们告诉服务员我们的名字的时候，他的眼睛睁大了。他道歉说：“你们的房间给别人了。因为没有人来，我们以为这是恶作剧。”（注：希尔顿和马利奥都是著名旅馆的名字。）

858　Look, death row 瞧，死囚牢房

While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants my mother had placed by the kitchen window. “Look,” she whispered, “death row.”

我的妹妹最近回家来看看。她碰碰我，指着我妈妈沿厨房窗户新种的一排树，小声说：“瞧，死囚牢房。”

859　Are you hurt? 你摔坏了吗？

While walking through a parking lot, I fell on my back. As I was lying there, a woman stopped and called out, “Are you hurt?” “No. I’m fine,” I said, touched by her concern. “Oh, good,” she continued. “So will you be vacating your parking spot?”

我在停车场走的时候，摔了个仰面朝天。当我还躺在地上的时候，一个女人停下脚步，大喊道：“你摔坏了吗？”被她的关心所感动，我说：“没有，我没事。”她说：“那好。你能不能把停车位空出来？”

860　What a waste 白费力气

My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have something called a freeze plug replaced—a job that took two days. Then I discovered the battery was dead and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too. Days later I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, “Now your car is good for many more miles.” “Thanks,” she said. “All I care is it runs long enough to make it to the dealer. I’m trading it in tomorrow.”

我太太让我帮助我们的一个邻居，一个年轻的妈妈。她的海员丈夫出海去了。我花了两天时间替她换了冰冻塞，又发现电瓶没电了，启动器也坏了，就也帮她修好了。当我自豪地把她的车钥匙还给她的时候，我说：“现在你的车又可以开很多里程了。”她说：“谢谢。我关心的只是能不能开到汽车销售商那里。明天我的车就要去以旧换新了。”

861　Don’t call me 不要打电话给我

My husband and I had stopped by my father’s house on the way back from a friend’s funeral. During the visit, my husband spoke about the man who had died, saying, “You know, I had a feeling I should have called him last week, but I didn’t. The next time I have that feeling, I’m going to do it.” Later Dad saw us to the door. As we said our goodbyes, he muttered to my husband, “And don’t call me.”

我和我丈夫在参加完一个朋友的葬礼以后顺便到我父亲那里看看他。谈话当中提到这个刚死去的朋友，我丈夫说：“上个星期我觉得我要打电话给他，但是我却没有打。下次我有这种感觉的时候，我就要去做。”后来我父亲送我们到门口，互相道别的时候，我父亲悄悄地对我丈夫说：“不要打电话给我。”

862　How many cars did you hit? 你撞了几辆车？

I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. “I feel terrible,” the woman apologized when I called. “I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot.” “Please, don’t worry,” I said to her. “I’m sure our insurance companies will take care of everything.” “Thank you for your understanding,” she said. “You’re so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out.”

我要进我的车里，看到车被撞了一个坑。那个司机在我的车的挡风玻璃上留了一个条，上面有电话号码。我打电话过去的时候，那个女人道歉说：“真对不起，我在停到你隔壁的停车位的时候撞到了你的车。”我对她说：“别担心，我们双方的保险公司肯定会处理好一切的。”她说：“谢谢你的理解。你比我开出来的时候撞到的那个男人好多了。”

863　That was my stop 我该在刚才那一站下车

I boarded a crowded subway car on my way home. Standing next to me was a man who’d clearly had a liquid lunch. When the doors opened at the next station, the man tumbled out and landed flat on his back. I rushed to his side, picked him up and hauled him back into the car. As the train was pulling away, the man mumbled to me, “That was my stop.”

在回家的路上，我登上一节拥挤的地铁车厢。站在我旁边的男子显然刚喝了酒。在下一站停车的时候，车门开了，他被挤出去，仰面朝天摔在地上。我赶紧跑过去，把他拉起来，拖回车里。当车又开动起来以后，他嘟嘟囔囔地对我说：“我该在刚才那一站下车。”

864　Good Facts about Abraham Lincoln 亚伯拉罕·林肯做的好事

I was grading history tests for my fourth-graders. I’d included an extra credit question: “List up to five good facts about Abraham Lincoln.” One of my D students surprised me with this one: “After the war ended, Lincoln took his wife to a show.”

我正在批阅小学四年级学生的历史考卷。这次考试我加了一道附加题：“列举亚伯拉罕·林肯做的五件好事”。一个成绩很差的学生出乎意料地回答说：“战争结束以后，林肯带他的妻子去看戏。”

865　What’s in the box? 那盒子里装的是什么？

Driving with my four-year-old son to a funeral, I tried to prepare him by talking about what we believe happens after death. The boy behaved well during the service. But at the grave site he asked in a loud voice, “Mom, What’s in the box?”

开车带我四岁的儿子去参加一个葬礼的途中，我给他讲我们所相信的，人死了以后会发生什么事，好让他心理上有个准备。在整个仪式当中，他表现很好。但是在墓地，他大声问我：“妈妈，那盒子里装的是什么？”

866　Where’s the car? 你的车在哪里？

My wife was exasperated with her younger brother, who bought an unreliable car and called her for a ride every time it broke down. One day she got another of those calls. “What happened this time?” she asked. “My brakes went out,” her brother said. “Can you come and get me?” “Where are you ?” my wife asked. “I’m in the drugstore,” her brother responded. “And where’s the car?” “In here with me.”

我太太被她的弟弟搞得很恼火。她弟弟买了一辆破车。每次车子发生故障就打电话给她，要搭便车。有一天，她又接到这样一个电话。她问：“这次出什么事了？”她弟弟回答说：“我的刹车失灵了。你能过来接我吗？”我太太问：“你在哪里？”她弟弟回答说：“我在药店里。”“你的车在哪里？”“也在药店里。和我在一起。”

867　My car is the one on fire 我的车是那辆正在着火的

As a customer-service representative for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn’t know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description, beyond “a nice blue four-door.” After a long pause, the driver replied, “My car is the one on fire.”

作为汽车出租公司的顾客服务代表，我接到一个司机的电话，需要一辆拖车。他被困在一条繁忙的高速公路上，但是他说不出他开的那辆车是什么牌的。我让他说出除了“漂亮的蓝色四门汽车”以外更详细的描述。他停顿了很长时间以后说：“我的车是那辆正在着火的。”

868　See you! 再见！

I was in my cardiologist’s waiting room when a well-dressed man approached the counter and said he was from a local funeral home. He had stopped by to pick up a death certificate. The receptionist found the document and handed it to the man. He turned to leave, facing a waiting room filled with heart patients. Before walking out the door, he waved cheerfully and then called out, “See you!”

我正在心脏专科医生的候诊室里等待的时候，一个衣冠楚楚的男子走到服务台，说他是从殡仪馆来的，顺便来取一份死亡证明。接待员找到了文件递给他。他临出门前转过身来，面对着候诊室里满满一屋子心脏病人，高兴地挥手说：“再见！”

869　What does the ticket say? 这票上怎么说？

I am a conductor on the rail road. One day, I saw a passenger seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched. “Where are you going today?” I asked, smiling. “Well, what does the ticket say?” replied the traveler sarcastically. “Um, it says you’re on the wrong train,” I informed him. “What am I supposed to do now?” asked the flustered passenger. Returning the punched card, I replied calmly, “Ask the ticket.”

我是火车上的验票员。有一天，我碰到一个乘客很不耐烦地把票递给我打洞。我问他：“今天你到哪里去？”这个乘客嘲笑地回答：“嗯，这票上怎么说？”我告诉他：“哦，这票上说你上错车了。”他紧张地问我：“那我该怎么办？”我把打了洞的票还给他，说：“问这票吧。”

870　The man missed his flight 这个男子误机了

While on a long check-in line at the airport, I noticed an airline agent cheerfully directing people to other counters for quicker service. When she asked one businessman his destination, he shouted, “I’m going to New York City and I’m late! What are you going to do for me?” The employee took a moment to refer to her chart. “Oh, great!” the impatient passenger remarked. “I need help, and I get stuck with a blonde.” She kept her eyes on the flight sheet, then looked up at him with a smile. “Oh, my,” she sighed. “Ditz that I am, I just can’t think of a single thing to do for you.” And she walked away. The man missed his flight.

在飞机场长长的队伍中等着办理登机手续，我看见一个航空公司的工作人员正高兴地疏导乘客到其他窗口去办得快一点。当她问到一个生意人到哪里去的时候，他大喊道：“我要到纽约去，我已经晚了。你打算怎样帮我？”就在这位工作人员查看时刻表的功夫，这个不耐烦的乘客评论说：“噢，太棒了！我需要帮助，而我却被一个金发女郎耽误了。”她继续在时刻表上查看，然后抬起头来，微笑地看着他，叹了一口气说：“天哪，我真笨，我一点也想不出来怎么帮你。”然后她就走开了。这个男子误机了。

871　Three of the people have died 这些人当中有三个已经死了

I told my friend about a problem in our office and my fear that I would lose my job. She was concerned and said she would pray for me. I know she keeps a list of the ten people she believes need her prayers the most, so I asked if she had room for me on her list. “Oh, yes,” she replied. “Three of the people have died.”

我告诉我的朋友在工作单位的问题，以及我的恐惧，担心自己可能会失去工作。她很关心，答应为我祷告。我知道她有一张她认为最需要为他们代祷的十个人的名单，就问她在她的名单上有没有空位置给我。她回答说：“噢，有，这些人当中有三个已经死了。”

872　Violators will be squeezed 违反者将被挤扁

The shipping/receiving bays are very busy with trucks coming and going. Potential for accidents is very real. So for safety reasons, a sign was posted that reads “Warning! Truck Area. Pedestrians Not Allowed.” To emphasize the point, the following was added: “Violators Will Be Squeezed.”

收发货的停车站台区，卡车来来往往，非常繁忙，很容易发生事故。出于安全考虑，贴了一张告示：“警告！卡车区，行人不准进入。”为了强调，又加了下面一句：“违反者将被挤扁。”

873　It has a lifetime warranty 它是终身包用的

After burying his mother nine months earlier, a client finally had enough money to purchase the expensive coffin he’d originally wanted. So we exhumed the body and transferred his deceased mother into the new steel casket. “What’s so special about this coffin?” I asked the funeral home director. He replied, “It has a lifetime warranty.”

在安葬了母亲九个月之后，一位顾客终于凑够了钱买那个他原来想买的昂贵的棺材。他把他母亲的尸体挖出来，搬到这个新的钢盒子里。我问殡仪馆的负责人：“这个棺材有什么特别之处呢？”他回答说：“它是终身包用的。”

874　Saddest Story 最伤心的故事

Bill, Charles and Peter were at a convention together, sharing a large suite on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the hotel elevators had broken down and they had to climb 75 flights of stairs. Said Bill: “Let’s make this interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Charles will sing song for the next 25 and Peter will tell sad stories the rest of way up.” So they huffed and puffed their way up. Bill told jokes. Charles sang songs. Then on the 51st floor, it was Peter’s turn to tell sad stories. “It’s my saddest story,” he said. “I left the room key in the car.”

比尔、查理和彼得一起参加一个大会，一起住在75层楼上一个大套间里。开完整整一天的会，他们震惊地听说旅馆的电梯坏了，他们必须得爬75层楼梯上去。比尔说：“我们把这事搞得有趣一些。头25层由我来讲笑话，下一个25层由查理来唱歌，剩下的由彼得讲伤心的故事。”于是他们就气喘吁吁地往上爬。比尔讲了笑话，查理唱了歌。然后到51楼的时候，轮到彼得讲伤心的故事了。他说：“这是我最伤心的故事。我把房门钥匙忘在车里了。”

875　It’s supposed to fly too 它还应该是能飞的

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door. “Don’t jump!” the pilot called out. “This thing is supposed to float!” As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah, and it’s supposed to fly too!”

在来回接送石油工人到海上采油平台的途中，直升机失去了动力，掉下来了。幸运的是，它安全地降落在湖面上。一个挣扎着要出去的男子扯掉他的座位安全带，吹起他的救生衣，猛力地拉开出口的门。飞行员喊道：“不要跳！这个飞机应该是能漂浮的。”这个男子一边从直升机往湖里跳，一边回头喊：“对呀，这个飞机还应该是能飞的。”

876　He no longer lived at that address 他已经不在那个地址住了

We telemarketers know we’re universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone. One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached. I thanked her, rang that number and was greeted with, “Good morning, Garden Cemetery.”

我们电话推销员知道，我们到哪里都是不受欢迎的。不过，仍然有一些人在电话上是挺友善的。有一天，我打一个电话，要求和摩根先生讲话。接电话的女人说，他已经不在那个地址住了。不过她有一个电话号码可以找到他。我谢了她，拨通了那个电话号码，对方的问候语是：“早上好！这里是花园公墓。”

877　That’s how I stop the car too 我也是这样停车的

A farmer called my veterinary office and asked me to make a house call. Because the road was closed, he parked his ancient pickup in a field for me to drive the rest of the way. But once behind the wheel, I realized the brakes didn’t work. The truck sped across the farmyard, toward the stable, into the barn, and embedded itself in a gigantic haystack. Sweating, I climbed out and apologized. “Don’t worry,” the farmer said to me. “That’s how I stop the car too.”

一个牧场主打电话到我的兽医诊所请我出诊。由于道路封闭，他把一辆破旧的小卡车停在田野上，让我开着它走后面这段路。我一开动车，就知道刹车不好用。这车穿过田野，冲向马厩，进入牲口棚，把自己埋进一个大草垛。我一边冒着汗一边爬出车来道歉。这个牧场主对我说：“别担心，我也是这样停车的。”

878　I’m the only gravedigger in town 我是小镇上唯一的掘墓人

One of my students could not take college final exam because of a funeral. “No problem,” I told him. “Make it up the following week.” That week came, and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral. “You’ll have to take the test early next week,” I insisted. “I can’t keep postponing it.” “I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” he told me. By now I was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?” “I don’t know any of these people,” he said. “I’m the only gravedigger in town.”

我的一个学生因为葬礼而不能参加大学期末考试。我对他说：“没问题。下个星期补考好了。”下个星期，他因为另一个葬礼而不能参加考试。我坚持说：“你下个星期初必须得参加考试，我不能一直拖下去。”他说：“下个星期如果没有人死，我就来考。”这时候，我有点怀疑了：“你怎么能有那么多认识的人在三个星期里去世？”他说：“我并不认识这些人。可我是小镇上唯一的掘墓人。”

879　Where to wear the wedding ring 结婚戒指戴在哪里

I was visiting my parents with my new husband, a Navy frogman, when he drew me aside. “I don’t think your mother likes me,” he said. “I was explaining that I can’t wear my wedding ring when I dive, because barracudas are attracted to shiny things and might bite off my finger. And she said, ‘Well, can’t you wear it on a chain around your neck?’”

我带着我的新丈夫，一个海军潜水员去看我的父母。他把我拉到一边说：“我想，你妈不喜欢我。我正向她解释我在潜水的时候不能带结婚戒指，因为凶猛的梭子鱼被闪光的东西吸引，可能会把我的手指头咬掉。而她说：‘嗯，你不能把它放在项链上，挂在脖子上吗？’”

880　The Rest of Your Life 你余下的生命

My army troop was learning how to parachute from a plane. At 12,000 feet, our drill instructor shouted out instructions for surviving a jump from above the clouds at more than 200 m.p.h. A young recruit raised his hand and asked, “Once we jump out, how much time do we have to pull the cord?” The instructor looked back, smiled and said, “The rest of your life.”

我的陆军部队正在学习从飞机上跳伞。在一万二千尺高空，跳伞教练喊出要在两百英里时速从云层上面往下跳的指令。一个年轻的新兵举手问道：“我们跳出去以后，有多长时间可以拉伞绳？”教练回头看了看，微笑着说：“你余下的生命。”

881　That chute is yours 这个降落伞就是你的

While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done. Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain’s calm response. “Well, son,” he said, “if this plane goes down, that chute is yours.”

我刚加入空军国家卫队，被送去参加基本训练。在C47运输机的后部，我意外地打开了一个降落伞。我忐忑不安地打开驾驶舱的门，去承认我干了什么。我以为会受到严厉的训斥，出乎意料的是机长平静的反应。他说：“嗯，孩子。如果这架飞机掉下去，这个降落伞就是你的。”

882　A Runaway Submarine 一艘失控的潜艇

I was returning home after several months aboard a Navy submarine. My wife was so excited that she parked her car near the edge of the dock in a no-parking zone. The sub finally appeared. But it came in too fast and slammed into the end of the wharf. Fortunately, no one was injured. Unfortunately, my wife had to explain to the insurance company that her car had been damaged by a runaway submarine.

我在海军潜艇上呆了几个月终于要回家了。我妻子是那么兴奋，以至于把车停在码头边缘的不准停车区。潜艇终于出现了。但是它开进来时太快，撞上了码头的尽头。幸运的是没有人受伤。不幸的是，我妻子必须得向她的保险公司解释她的车是被一艘失控的潜艇撞坏的。

883　When do I pull the rip cord? 我什么时候拉伞绳？

When I boarded an ancient C-119 cargo plane for a training flight, a gruff sergeant strapped me into a parachute. “What do I do with this?” I asked nervously. “If we’re going down,” he said, “jump out of the plane and pull the rip cord.” “When do I pull the rip cord?” I yelled as he walked away. “Before you hit the ground,” he called back.

当我登上一架老式的C119货运飞机做训练飞行的时候，一个不友善的军士把我绑到一个降落伞上。我紧张地问：“我用这东西干什么？”他说：“如果我们的飞机掉下去，就从飞机里跳出去，拉伞绳。”在他走开的时候我喊道：“我什么时候拉伞绳？”他喊回来说：“在你撞到地面之前。”

884　Practicing on my father’s clients 在我父亲的客户那里练的

Shortly after reporting to the 101st Airborne Division, we were ordered to fall out in our dress uniforms. Only problem was, I didn’t know how to tie a necktie. So I asked the guy in the next bunk for help. “Sure,” he said. “Lie down.” Confused, I lay down on the bunk and he tied my tie. “Sorry, but this is the only way I know how,” he said. “Comes from practicing on my father’s clients.” “What does your father do?” “He’s a mortician.”

在向101空降师报到以后不久，我们就接到命令换上我们的正式军装。唯一的问题是我不会系领带。我请我隔壁床上的伙伴帮忙。他说：“行，你躺下吧。”我摸不着头脑，躺到铺上，他替我系上领带。他说：“对不起，我只会这样系。这是在我父亲的客户那里练出来的。”“你父亲是干什么的？”“他是殡葬工人。”

885　Our dog ate your lunch 我们的狗吃了你的午饭

A mechanic does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, “Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?” He obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed, sniffing furiously. He grew nervous. There were no drugs, no weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached him. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “Our dog ate your lunch.”

一个机械师为空军学院做活。有一天，一个警卫问他是不是在意让他们新来的警卫狗练习闻一闻他的小型卡车。他答应了，狗就开始工作。它几乎马上就锁定一处，跳上了车槽，狂暴地嗅。他有点紧张。那里既没有毒品，又没有武器。那狗能找什么呢？几分钟以后，警卫朝他走来，不好意思地说：“对不起，我们的狗吃了你的午饭。”

886　My coffee was never stolen again 我的咖啡再没有被偷

Every morning I picked up coffee from Starbucks, and every morning that cup of coffee mysteriously disappeared from my desk. Although I never caught the bandit, I did resolve the matter. One morning, when all personnel were gathered for a staff meeting, I popped out the partial plate from my mouth and swished it around in my coffee before placing it back. My coffee was never stolen again.

每天早上我从星巴克咖啡店买一杯咖啡，每天早上这杯咖啡都从我的桌子上神秘失踪。虽然我一直没有抓到这个小偷，我却解决了这个问题。有一天早上，当所有的人都集中起来开全体会议的时候，我从嘴里吐出盘子的一个碎片，用它在我的咖啡里搅动，然后又放回去。从此以后，我的咖啡再没有被偷。

887　PIG! 猪！

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: “PIG!!” The man immediately leans out his window and replies with “BITCH!” They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

一个男人开车沿着又窄又陡的山路往下走，一个女人沿着同一条路向上开。当他们相遇的时候，女人从窗口探出头来大喊：“猪！”男人马上从他的窗口探出头来大喊：“母狗！”他们各自继续前进，直到男人在下一个拐角的地方撞上了在路当中的一头猪。

888　If you’d have opened the fridge 如果你当时打开冰箱的话

Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about how they died. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy says he died of a heart attack. “How did that happen?” asks the first guy. “Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife and another man. But when I went inside, I searched and searched for him, but couldn’t find anybody. I was stricken with such remorse for accusing my wife of infidelity that I had a heart attack on the spot.” “Gee,” says the first guy. “If you’d have opened the fridge, we’d both be alive right now.”

两个男人在天堂相遇，聊起他们是怎么死的。头一个男人说他是冻死的。第二个男人说他是死于心肌梗塞。头一个男人问：“这是怎么发生的？”第二个男人说：“嗯，我回到家里，我以为我听见我老婆和另外一个男人说话。但是，我进去以后到处搜寻都没有找到那个人。我为自己无端怀疑老婆不忠而悔恨、自责，当场就发生了心肌梗塞。”头一个男人说：“天哪，如果你当时打开冰箱的话，那么我们俩现在都活着。”

889　It’s for the funeral 这是为葬礼准备的

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother’s cookie!” “No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking cookie now.” “I know I will never have another taste of her delicious cookie after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?” The old man begs with what is left of his final breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, he returns empty handed. “I’m very sorry, grandfather, but she says it’s for the funeral.”

一个老人躺在他临终的病床上。他的周围是他的子女、孙子孙女和比较年长的曾孙，含着眼泪为这个长寿而高产的老人送终。突然，他睁开眼睛用沙哑的声音说：“我一定是梦见天堂了，我闻到你奶奶的饼干香味。”“不，爷爷，你不是做梦。奶奶是在做饼干。”老人用他最后的一口气乞求说：“你能不能下去替我拿一块？我知道，吃完这一块，我就再也吃不到你奶奶做的美味的饼干了。”他的一个孙子马上去满足这个老人最后的请求。过了好久，他空手回来了。“对不起，爷爷。奶奶说这是为葬礼准备的。”

890　The Shortest and the Widest Runway 最短最宽的跑道

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. “Flaps, check,” he says to the copilot, “Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we’re going in. Hold on.” The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. “Holy Cow!” exclaims the pilot, “This must be the shortest runway I’ve ever landed on!” The co-pilot looks left and right and says “Yeah, and about the widest, too…”

一架飞机正要在一个浓雾笼罩的机场降落。能见度几乎是零，于是飞行员只能靠自己的才智了。他对副驾驶说：“机翼，检查完毕。起落架，检查完毕。高度，检查完毕。对，我们进来了，稳住。”飞机着地，在尖叫和研磨声中紧挨着跑道的边缘停下。飞行员惊叫说：“天哪！这个肯定是我所降落过的最短的跑道。”副驾驶看了看左右说：“也是最宽的。”

891　For safety reasons 为了安全的缘故

A sign by the elevators in the building reads “In case of fire, use stairs.” It dawned on me that I didn’t know where the stairs were. If I didn’t, neither would visitors. “We should post directions to the staircase near the sign,” I suggested to the security chief. “We’d rather people not use the stairs,” he said. “For safety reasons.”

大楼的电梯旁边贴了一张条：“火警时请用楼梯。”这使我想起我不知道楼梯在哪里。如果我不知道，那么来访者也不会知道。我对保安队长说：“我们应该在这张条的旁边贴一个箭头，指示楼梯的方向。”他说：“为了安全的缘故，我们不希望大家用楼梯。”

892　Those fools! 这帮笨蛋！

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said, “You scared us half to death—we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

两个男人开完晚会以后走回家去，他们决定从墓地抄近路。走到墓地的当中，他们俩被从神秘的阴影里传来的“答答答”的响声吓了一跳。他们战战兢兢地找到一个老头，手里拿着锤子和凿子在墓碑上凿。他们中的一个说：“天哪！你把我们吓得半死。我们以为你是鬼呢！半夜三更你在这里干什么？”老头嘟嘟囔囔地说：“这帮笨蛋。他们把我的名字拼错了。”

893　Good-bye mother! 妈妈再见！

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good-bye mother!’ It would make me feel much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Good-bye mother!” and felt quite good about himself that he did a good deed and made someone feel happy. As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

一个年轻人正在超级市场里选购几样东西。他注意到一个老太太总是跟着他。他没有多想，就自顾自继续走。最后他到了交款处排队，但是老太太走到他的前面。她说：“对不起，如果我盯着你看使你觉得不舒服，我向你道歉。这只是因为你长得很像我刚死去的儿子。”年轻人回答说：“我为你难受。我能为你做点什么吗？”她说：“是的。当我要走的时候你能不能说一声‘妈妈再见’？这样会使我好受得多。”年轻人说：“当然可以。”于是，当老太太要走的时候，年轻人说了一声“妈妈再见”。他为自己做了一件好事，使别人快乐而感到高兴。当他走到收银员那里，看到他的总金额是$127.50。他说：“这怎么可能？我只买了几样东西。”收银员说：“你妈妈说你会为她付账。”

894　Count down 倒计时

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?” “Ten,” the doctor says sadly. “Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?” “Nine…”

一个男子觉得不太舒服，就到医生那里做一个全面检查。医生拿着检查结果出来说：“我有一个很坏的消息告诉你。你快死了，剩下没多少时间了。”那个男人说：“太糟糕了。我还剩多少时间？”医生悲哀地说：“十。”男人问：“十个月？十个星期？十什么呀？”“九……”

895　I hung him up to dry 是我把他挂起来晾干的

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office. “Mr. Smith, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.” “That was me,” Mr. Smith replied. “Who hung him up to dry.”

精神病院的主任听说他的一个病人从浴缸里救出一个要自杀的病人，就重新审查一遍这个病人的病历，并且把他叫到办公室里来。“史密斯先生，你的记录和你的英雄行为表明你已经可以回家了。唯一遗憾的是，你救的那个人后来又悬梁自尽了。”史密斯先生说：“那是我把他挂起来晾干的。”

896　Show him, honey 亲爱的，让医生看看

The Smiths were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. “No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered, “No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.” “I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?” Mr. Smith turned to his wife. “Show him, honey.”

史密斯夫妇来到牙医那里。史密斯先生明确表示他急着要走。他命令说：“医生，不要用什么花哨昂贵的东西，不要用任何气体呀、针呀什么的。把牙齿拔出来就结束了。”牙医称赞他说：“但愿更多的病人像你这样不怕痛。是哪一颗牙齿？”史密斯先生转过身去对他太太说：“亲爱的，让医生看看。”

897　The Last Note 最后的便条

Mike had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Mike’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Mike used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher opened the note, and read, “You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

麦克一直是虔诚的基督徒，他在医院里快要死了。他的家人请牧师来和他们在一起。当牧师站到他的床边上的时候，麦克的情况明显恶化。他狂乱的动作表示他想写一点什么。牧师和蔼地递给他纸和笔。麦克用他最后的一点力气涂写了几个字，随后就死了。牧师打开便条，上面写的是“你踩在我的氧气管子上了。”

898　That would sound more like this 那更像这个声音

Even though telemarketers are slightly less beloved than dentists and tax auditors, that’s the job I took during my summer vacation. Halfway through one of my sales pitches, I heard a clicking at the other end of the line. Thinking the man may have hung up, I asked, “Are you still there?” “Yeah, still here,” said the man. “Sorry, I heard a click and I thought you’d been disconnected.” “No,” the man said, “that would sound more like this.” He slammed down the phone.

尽管电话推销员比牙医和税务审计员还要不讨人喜欢，这却是我暑假的工作。在一通推销电话的中途，我听到线路那一头“咯答”一声，以为是对方把电话挂断了，就问：“你还在那里吗？”那个人说：“对，我还在。”“对不起，我听到‘咯答’一声，以为是你把电话挂断了。”那个人说：“不。挂断电话那更像这个声音。”说完“砰”的一下把电话听筒摔了下去。

899　First Thing You See in the Next World 下一个世界里看到的第一样东西

Operating high-pressure boilers can be stressful—like the time my co-worker and I discovered a dangerous leak in a boiler. Scorching steam was billowing out, filling up the room and decreasing visibility. “I hope this doesn’t get any bigger,” I said. “I don’t want this steam to be the last thing I see in this world.” “That wouldn’t be so bad,” my coworker replied. “So long as it’s not the first thing you see in the next.”

操作高压锅炉是很紧张的，就像我和我的同事发现锅炉上有一处危险的渗漏那一次。滚烫的蒸汽滚滚而来，充满屋子，使能见度下降。我说：“希望不要再继续扩大。我不希望这蒸汽是我在这个世界里看到的最后的东西。”我的同事回答说：“只要这蒸汽不是在下一个世界里看到的第一样东西，就还不算太糟。”

900　Protective Surveillance 保护监控

It had been a nerve-racking experience for my attorney husband. He was working with the FBI on a federal operation. Worried for his safety, they put him under protective surveillance. Finally the FBI told him they had rounded up all the criminals and were lifting the surveillance. A few days later my relieved spouse was on the phone, telling his brother about the whole adventure. “Did you happen to mention to the FBI that you have an identical twin?” his horrified brother interrupted. “Who lives next door?”

这是我的律师丈夫一段极度焦虑不安的经历。他和联邦调查局合作搞一次联邦行动。他们担心他的安全，就将他置于保护监控之中。最后，联邦调查局告诉他说，所有的罪犯都已抓获，他的监控撤销了。几天以后，我的丈夫打电话给他的弟弟，告诉他整个的冒险经历。他的弟弟被吓坏了，打断他说：“你有没有告诉联邦调查局，你有一个长得一模一样的孪生兄弟就住在隔壁？”

901　Cradle-to-grave Job 从摇篮到坟墓的职业

For 24 years, I worked in a diaper factory alongside my buddy Mike, who had spent his entire career there. When the plant closed, a casket company purchased the building and hired Mike. All of which just goes to prove that even in this day of factory closings and outsourced work, there is still such a thing as a cradle-to-grave job.

我在一家生产尿片的工厂干了24年，而我的朋友麦克则一辈子在这家工厂工作。工厂关闭的时候，一家棺材公司买下了这栋建筑，并且雇佣了麦克。这一切都证明，即使目前公司倒闭、国外转产成风，仍然存在着所谓“从摇篮到坟墓的职业”。

902　I went out and followed some tracks 我出门，沿着踪迹走

A blonde, a red-head and a brunette went hunting. They got to the cabin and the brunette went out first. She was gone about an hour and came back with a small doe. The other women were screaming, “How did you do that?” She said, “I went out and followed some tracks and shot it.” The red head said I could do this and she went out for an hour and a half and came back with a buck. The blonde said, “Wow how did you do that?” She said, “I went out followed some tracks and shot it.” The blonde said I could do this and went out. She came back two and a half hours later and she was covered with cuts and scratches and she was bleeding. The other two started saying what happened. And the blonde said, “Well, I went out, followed some tracks, and a train hit me!”

一个金发女郎、一个红发女郎和一个深色头发女郎一起去打猎。她们到了一个小木屋，深色头发女郎先出去。一个小时以后，她带着一只小母鹿回来了。那两个女人大叫：“你怎么打到的？”她说：“我出门，沿着踪迹走，然后射击。”红发女郎说她也能干。她出去一个半小时以后，带着一只公鹿回来了。金发女郎说：“哇，你怎么打到的？”她说：“我出门，沿着踪迹走，然后射击。”金发女郎说她也能干，就出去了。两个半小时以后，她回来了，到处是割伤、刮伤，浑身是血。那两个人问她发生了什么。她说：“嗯，我出门，沿着轨道（踪迹）走，然后一辆火车撞了我。”

903　The Twist and Shout 扭而喊

Our chiropractor, seeking a new name for his practice, decided to sponsor a contest and asked his patients to enter. One of the entries was: “The Twist and Shout.”

我们的正骨科医生要为他的医术起一个新的名字。决定组织一次征名竞赛，让他的病人参加。其中一个应征的名字是“扭而喊”。

904　Hole in One 一杆进洞

When a nearby golf supply store went under, the only evidence it had existed was a sign that read “Hole in One Golf Supplies.” Recently, a new company moved into the building. Rather than throw away the sign, the owners merely made a few edits. The sign now reads “Hole for One Mortuary Supplies.”

一家高尔夫用品商店关门以后所留下的唯一能证明它曾经存在过的证据是它的招牌：“一杆进洞高尔夫用品商店”。最近，一家新的公司搬进了这栋房子。他们没有扔掉这块牌子，而只是稍作修改。这块牌子现在变成了“一人一洞殡葬用品商店”。（Hole in One：一杆进洞；Hole for One：一人一洞。）

XVI.　语言笑话

905　I only bought a little pot 我只买了一个小瓦罐（一点大麻）

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Lisa and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report. “Not really,” Lisa replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, “I only bought a little pot.”

结束了在圣地亚哥的贸易展览会的工作以后，我和我的同事丽莎决定到墨西哥边境城市提华纳去观光。在那里购物的时候，我们买了几件陶土的炊具。在我们返回美国的时候，海关官员问我们有什么值钱的东西要报关。丽莎说：“没什么东西。”她一边在她的包里摸她买的瓦罐一边说：“我只买了一个小瓦罐。”（译者注：这句也可以理解为“我只买了一点大麻”。）这时候，我们周围的人都僵住了。

906　Which way was it headed? 它往哪个方向去了？

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, “Sir! Please stop that immediately.” “Certainly, Madame,” replies the waiter with a bow. “Which way was it headed?”

一个拘谨的妇人和一个新派男人一起在顶级餐厅里用餐。洋葱汤已端到她面前。正当侍者把主菜端过来的时候，她放了一个很响的屁。为了挽回面子，她对侍者说：“先生，请马上停止那样做。”（注：也可以理解为“马上把它停住。”）侍者一边鞠躬一边说：“当然，夫人。请问它往哪个方向去了？”

907　That’s why we ask 这就是为什么我们要问

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”

我在飞机场，正要登机。一位机场工作人员问我：“有没有人把你不知道的东西放进你的行李里？”我说：“如果我不知道他放，我怎么会知道？”他笑笑，点点头说：“这就是为什么我们要问。”（问的人用without your knowledge修饰anything，答的人用without your knowledge修饰整个主句。）

908　Poles and Holes 波兰人和荷兰人

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

如果把波兰人称为Pole（极），那么为什么不把荷兰人称为Hole（洞）？

909　Military Intelligence 军事情报部

My job is to give service members and their families tours of the demilitarized zone in South Korea. Before taking people to a lookout point to view North Korea, we warn visitors to watch their heads climbing the stairs, as there is a low overhang. The tour guide, first to the top, gets to see how many people have not heeded his advice. On one tour I watched almost an entire unit hit their heads one after another as they came up the stairs. Curious, I asked their commander what unit they were from. “Military intelligence,” he replied.

我的工作是带领我们的工作人员及其家属到韩国的非军事区去参观。在进入瞭望朝鲜的瞭望塔之前，我们会警告大家上楼梯的时候要小心自己的头，不要撞到那个很低的凸出物。导游先上去，然后看看有多少人没有听他的忠告。有一次，我看到一个单位的人在上楼梯的时候，一个接一个，几乎每个人的头都撞到了。出于好奇，我问他们的司令他们属于哪个部门。他回答说：“军事情报部。”（译者注：intelligence，情报、智能）

910　Zero Malley, sir 报告长官，零矛利

One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class. First up was Private O’Malley. The colonel asked him what reading he had on his 105 mm howitzer. “Two-nine-oh-seven, sir,” was the reply. “Soldier,” said the colonel, “don’t you know you never say ‘oh’ in the artillery? You say ‘zero.’ What’s your name, soldier?” “Zero Malley, sir,” answered the private.

有一天，正在上炮兵训练课的时候，一位上校来检查我们的功课。首先检查二等兵奥矛利。上校问他的一零五毫米榴弹炮上的读数是多少。他回答说：“报告长官，二九奥七。”上校说：“当兵的，你不知道在炮兵里决不要说‘奥’吗？要说‘零’。你叫什么名字，当兵的？”二等兵奥矛利回答：“报告长官，零矛利。”

911　A One-word Telegraph 一个字的电报

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. “It’s the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it.” She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, “I’d like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: ‘Have found the bull for our ranch, bring the trailer’.” The man behind the counter tells her, “Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word.” She thinks about it for a moment and says, “I’d like to send one word, please.” “And what word would that be?” inquires the man. “Comfortable,” replies the brunette. The man asks, “I’m sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?” The brunette replies, “My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow. When she gets this, she will see COME-FOR-THE-BULL.”

一个金色头发的女人和一个黑色头发的女人一起在路易丝安那州办一个饲养场。她们决定买一头公牛和她们的母牛交配来增加牲畜的数量。这个黑色头发的女人带着她们的全部积蓄600美元到得克萨斯买公牛。她最后碰到一个老牛仔。他能卖给她一头公牛。“这是我唯一一头599美元的公牛。不买就走人。”她买下了这头公牛，然后来到当地的电报局。她说：“我要给路易丝安那州的朋友发一份电报，说：‘已为我们的饲养场买到公牛。带拖车来。’”电报局的职员告诉她：“发到美国任何地方的电报都是每个字75美分。”她想了一会儿说：“我要发一份一个字的电报。”电报局的职员问：“哪一个字？”黑色头发的女人说：“Comfortable。”职员问：“对不起，小姐。你的朋友怎么能读懂这份电报？”黑色头发的女人说：“我的朋友是一个金发女郎。她读起来非常慢。当她拿到这份电报时，她就会读成come-for-the-bull（来取公牛）。”

912　E-mail from Another Country 从另一个国家发来的电子邮件

Our government always struck me as having many layers. But I no longer think that, not after this e-mail from an associate in another country: “I demonstrated the product to the Minister of Defiance and his Chief of Stuff.”

我们的政府总是让我觉得它有很多层次。但是，自从我看到这份从另一个国家的助理发来的电子邮件以后，我就不再这样想了：“我向违抗（应该是Defence，国防）部长和他的主要东西（应该是Chief of Staff，参谋长）展示了产品。”

913　It’s easier just to be Ed 还是叫艾德比较方便

After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, I called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed. “Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?” said the guy who answered the phone. “Sorry,” I said. “I was looking for Ahmed.” “This is Ahmed,” came the reply. “How can I help you?” “I thought you said your name was Ed?” I asked. “It is. But whenever I say ‘Ahmed,’ people think I’m saying ‘I’m Ed.’ So I figured it’s easier just to be Ed.”

我们的一台机器突然发生故障，我就打电话给修理服务部，找经理阿迈德说话。接电话的人说：“你好，我是艾德，我能为你做什么？”我说：“对不起，我找阿迈德。”回答是：“我就是阿迈德。我能帮你做什么？”我问：“你刚才不是说你的名字叫艾德吗？”“是的。但是当我说‘阿迈德’的时候，大家以为我说‘我是艾德’。所以我想我还是叫艾德比较方便。”

914　Why is she wearing two coats? 她为什么穿两件大衣？

A blonde wants to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart. She decides to paint the living room in their house. When her husband arrives home after work, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a wool coat and a fur coat at the same time. He asks her why she is wearing two coats. She shows him the directions on the paint can and they read, “FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!”

一个金发女郎决定要油他们家的客厅。她想要向她丈夫表明，不论别人怎么说，她其实还是挺聪明的。当她的丈夫下班回到家里，走到客厅，发现她躺在地上满头大汗。他注意到她穿着一件呢子大衣加上一件毛皮大衣，就问她为什么要穿两件大衣。她给她丈夫看油漆桶上的说明：“为了最好的效果，刷两遍（穿两件大衣）。”

915　Bland 温和，淡而无味

The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. “Nothing fragrant,” she instructed. “Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample.” She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper. “Your name?” I asked. “Mrs. Bland,” the woman replied.

在我们店里订花的一位顾客下了非常详细的准则。她指示说：“不要有香味。不要太高，不要太杂乱。也不要鲜艳的颜色。我的房子装修成米黄色和奶油色。这是墙纸的样品。”她递给我一张纯棕褐色的小方纸。我问：“您的名字？”那位女子回答说：“Bland太太。”（注：Bland，温和，淡而无味）

916　Married again 又结婚了

I saw a board outside my friend’s office and it said “B.A.” next to his name, but after a week it said “M.A.” So, I asked him how he got his master’s degree so quickly. He replied that last week his wife died so he put on the board B.A. (bachelor again). But then he married once more so he put on the board M.A. (married again).

我看见我朋友的办公室门上挂的牌子，在他的名字旁边写着B.A.（学士）。但是一个星期以后换成了M.A.（硕士）。我问他怎么这么快就拿到了硕士学位。他说，上个星期他的太太死了，所以在牌子上写B.A.（又是单身了）。后来他又结婚了，所以就写M.A.（又结婚了）。

917　Sunny Anna Rainey 晴天和雨天

News that her third child was going to be a girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two boys. “My husband wants to call her Sunny,” she told me, “and I want to give her Anna as her middle name in memory of my mom.” I thought they might want to reconsider their decision, since their birth announcement would herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.

她的第三个孩子会是个女孩的消息使我的表妹兴奋不已，因为她已经有两个男孩了。她告诉我说：“我的丈夫想叫她Sunny，我想让她的中间的名字叫Anna来纪念我妈妈。”我想他们可能会重新考虑他们的决定，因为在宣布出生的时候会说Sunny Anna Rainey（听起来像晴天和雨天）到来了。

918　I’m in some pain too 我也有些痛

While working as a nurse in a military hospital’s emergency room, I was required to introduce myself by my rank and full name. I usually refer to myself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day I rushed into a patient’s room and blurted, “Hi, I’m Ensign Payne.” “Hi,” the patient responded. “I’m in some pain too.”

我是一家陆军医院急诊室的护士。按规定，在做自我介绍的时候，要把军衔和全名一起报出来。通常我介绍自己是麦克·配恩少尉。但是，在一个很忙的日子，我急急忙忙冲进一个病房，脱口说：“你好，我是配恩少尉。”病人回答说：“你好！我也有些痛。”（配恩Payne和痛pain同音。）

919　My last name is Locke 我姓佬克

When I was in boot camp, the troops were instructed to put our belongings in our footlockers, write our last names and first initials on the containers and report back for inspection. A few minutes later, the commanding officer, after having seen my locker emblazoned with Locke R, furiously bellowed, “Okay, who’s the wise guy?” I said, “But my last name is Locke and my first initial is R.”

当我在新兵训练营的时候，部队接到命令，把我们所有的私人物品都放进自己的锁柜，在锁柜上写上自己的姓氏加上名字的缩写，然后回来报到，接受检查。几分钟以后，司令长官看见我的锁柜上写的Locke R（连在一起就是锁柜的意思），狂怒地吼叫：“好哇，这个聪明鬼在哪里？”我说：“不过，我姓Locke，名字的缩写是R。”

920　Her last name is Hazzard 她姓哈扎特（危险）

A series of deadbeat tenants made my friend Lisa skittish about whom to rent to next. “I’m trying to decide between a woman and a man whose license plate says HOSTILE.” “Pick the woman,” I suggested. A few days later Lisa told me, “I took your advice.” “And she doesn’t have plates that read PSYCHO or anything, right?” “Well, no, but her last name is Hazzard.”

一连串的二流子房客弄得我的朋友丽莎难以决定再把房子租给谁。“我要在一个女人和一个车牌照上写着‘不友善’的男人之间选一个。”我建议说：“租给女的吧。”几天以后丽莎告诉我：“我接受了你的建议。”“她的车牌照上没有写‘精神病’之类的东西，是吧？”“没有，但是她姓哈扎特（和hazard危险同音）。”

921　Loss of Consciousness 失去知觉

In a handbook of a medical insurance, this is a list of conditions that would merit a visit to the emergency room: heart attack, severe bleeding, car accident and… loss of conscience.

在一本医疗保险的手册上列出可以看急诊的条件：心肌梗塞、大出血、交通事故，以及丧失良心。

922　Fire at Will! 向威尔开炮！

Thinking my son, Will, would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a Civil War battle, I took him to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, I finally got him calmed down. That’s when the Confederate general hollered, “Fire at Will!”

我以为我的儿子威尔会喜欢看南北战争的表演，就带他去了。可是这个胆小的孩子被放炮的声音吓坏了。在幕间休息的时候，我终于让他平静下来了。就在这时候，联军的将军呼喊道：“随意开炮！”（也可以理解为“向威尔开炮！”）

923　We missed you 我们想念你

During Desert Storm, one of our co-workers was called to serve in Iraq. Upon his safe return and arrival back at work, we tied yellow ribbons around numerous trees and hung a huge sign that read: “We missed you. Thank God the Iraqis did too!”

在沙漠风暴期间，我的一个同事应召到伊拉克服役。当他平安返回并且回来上班的时候，我们在许多树上绑上黄绸带和一块大牌子，上面写着：“我们想念（miss）你。感谢上帝，伊拉克人也没打中（miss）你。

924　Just in case 以防万一

The ultrasound didn’t reveal the baby’s sex, and since the expectant father had orders from the Navy to ship out before the due date, he told his wife, “We’d better pick out a boy’s name, just in case.” But when it was time for him to report for duty, they still hadn’t decided. At sea a few weeks later, he got notification that his son, Justin Kase, had been born.

超声波检查没有显示出胎儿的性别，而准父亲已经接到海军的命令，要在妻子的预产期到来之前出海，他就对妻子说：“我们得准备一个男孩的名字，以防万一。”但是，到了他该去报到的时候，他们仍然没有选定用什么名字。几个星期以后，他在海上接到通知，他的儿子“以防万一”已出生。

925　9 items or fewer 九件商品以下

I knew immediately I was in one of those fancy food boutiques when I saw the sign over the express lane. Instead of reading “9 items or less,” it said “9 items or fewer.”

我一看在快速交款队列上面挂着的牌子，就知道这是一家出售昂贵食物精品的商店。它不是写9 items or less而是写9 items or fewer。（注：按英语语法，应该说9 items or fewer，可是大多数商店都写9 items or less。）

926　New Meaning of Family Jewels 家庭首饰的新含义

Chatting with my mother I asked, “Have you heard of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?” “Yes,” she said, smirking. “It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘family jewels.’”

在和我妈聊天的时候，我问：“你有没有听说这么一家公司，拿你所爱的人的骨灰，把碳压进金刚钻里面去？”她说：“听说了。”她得意地笑了笑，接着说：“这就给常说的‘家庭首饰’带来了全新的含义。”

927　Compound Nouns 合成名词

I was discussing compound nouns with my class. “They’re made up of two or more nouns,” I explained. “For example, downtown or ballroom. Can anyone think of another one?” One boy raised his hand and offered, “Asphalt.”

我正在给学生讲合成名词。我解释说：“合成名词是由两个或两个以上的名词组成的。比如：市中心、跳舞厅等。你们谁能想出另外一个例子？”一个男孩举手说：“沥青。”（注：asphalt这个字不是由asp（蝮蛇）和halt（停止）组成的。）

928　I also cut you an s 我也剪掉你一个s

Shortly after I started college, the president of the university had an assembly for the new students. “Welcome to Johns Hopkins,” he began. “And please note that it’s Johns, not John.” Then he told how one of his predecessors, Milton Eisenhower, had been invited to talk at the University of Pittsburgh. After he was introduced as the president of “John Hopkins,” Eisenhower said, “Thank you. It’s great to be in Pittburgh.”

我进入大学不久，校长举行了一个迎新会。他一开头就说：“欢迎大家加入约翰斯·霍普金斯大学。并且请大家注意，是约翰斯，不是约翰。”接着，他讲到一位前任校长米尔顿·艾森豪威尔应邀到匹兹堡大学去演说，被介绍为约翰·霍普金斯大学校长之后，艾森豪威尔说：“谢谢。很荣幸来到匹特堡。”

929　Montana and California 蒙大拿对加利福尼亚

The night before I was to attend a celebrity golf tournament, I went to a party in honor of the event. Several of the famous athletes who were playing in the tournament were at the door greeting guests. Among them was Joe Montana, the football star. Shaking my hand, he said, “Hi! Joe Montana.” I didn’t know Joe Montana since I have never watched football games, so in all sincerity I said, “Lisa. California.”

在参加名流高尔夫锦标赛的前夜，我去参加为这个锦标赛举行的晚宴。在门口迎接来宾的有参加这次高尔夫锦标赛的几位著名运动员，其中包括橄榄球明星乔·蒙大拿。他和我握手说：“你好！我是乔·蒙大拿。”我不知道乔·蒙大拿，因为我向来不看橄榄球比赛。所以我非常真诚地说：“我是丽莎，从加利福尼亚来。”（注：Montana是姓，也是州名。）

930　Gifts for 40th Birthday 四十大寿的礼物

My friend and I were celebrating our 40th birthday the same year. As a gag gift, I gave her a CD by the band UB40. For my birthday, she retaliated with a CD as well. The group? U2.

我和我的朋友同一年过四十大寿。作为一个寻开心的礼物，我送给她一张由UB40（You be 40）乐团演奏的CD，她也用一张CD回击，类别是U2（You too）。

931　Are you lightheaded? 你觉得头晕目眩吗？

I received a call from an anxious woman. “I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today,” she said. “Are you lightheaded?” I asked. “No, I’m a brunette.”

我接到一个焦虑的女人打来的电话。她说：“我是糖尿病患者。我担心今天吃进去太多糖了。”我问：“你是头晕目眩吗？”“不是。我是深色头发。”（把lightheaded当作是问头发颜色。）

932　Dental Patient or Mental Patient 牙科病人还是精神病人

A helicopter crew got an order to pick up a mental patient and deliver him to an aircraft carrier. When the helicopter landed on the carrier, four Marines charged in, restrained the bewildered passenger and unceremoniously delivered him to the ship’s doctor. Then the flight crew received another message: “The word dental was mistyped as mental.” The poor guy had a toothache.

直升机机组人员接到一个命令，去接一个精神病人，并且把他送上航空母舰。当直升机在航空母舰上降落的时候，四个海军陆战队队员冲上来，挟制住这位困惑的乘客，并且很不礼貌地把他送到船上的医生那里。这时候，直升机机组人员又接到一个通知：“dental错打成mental。”这个可怜的家伙只是牙疼。

933　Hare and Turtle 野兔和乌龟

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, “Mr. Hare must be on vacation.” Only then did I notice the nametag on the man at the register. It read: “Mr. Turtle, sales associate.”

在电子商店里排队交款的人并不多，而等起来却是没完没了。最后，排在我后面的顾客嘟囔说：“Hare（野兔）先生一定是去度假了。”这时候我才注意到收银员的名牌上写着：“Turtle（乌龟）先生，销售助理”。

934　Full Gallop 全速飞奔

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, “Speed of other vehicle?” The driver had put “Full gallop.”

因为这是我在运输公司处理的第一件事故报告，所以我非常严肃认真。司机在高速公路上撞上了一头鹿，造成引擎罩和保险杠严重毁损。然而，当我看到司机在事故报告的下一段“对方车速”一栏填“全速飞奔”的时候，我再也保不住自己严肃的态度了。

935　Psychologist or Psycho 是心理医生还是精神病

I was assigned as a psychologist in school. I arrived at my new job and the secretary checked for the correct spelling of my name so she could place it on the directory posted near the school entrance. Later in the day I happened to walk past the directory and saw that she had completed the job, though not in the format I would have expected. There, in front of my name, was the word psycho.

我被分配到一所学校去当心理医生。我到新岗位报到，秘书核对了我姓名的正确拼法，以便加在校门口的教职员人名目录上。那天晚些时候，我碰巧走过那个人名目录，看到她的工作已经做完了。但是，却不是我期待的那种格式。在我的姓名前面有一个缩写字psycho（精神病）。

936　We would prefer you to go there 我们希望你用那一间

Over the years, I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs on restroom doors in restaurants, but that’s not always the case. Recently, I wandered off in search of the men’s room and found myself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled “Bronco” and the other was designated “Cactus.” Completely baffled, I stopped a restaurant employee passing by. “Excuse me, I need to use the restroom,” I asked, “Which one should I use?” “Actually, we would prefer you to go there,” the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked Men. “Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms.”

许多年来，我通常都能破译餐馆里厕所门上的表示男女的标记，但是也不总是如此。最近，我在餐馆里到处找男厕所，最后看到两个门上有标记。一个门上写“野马”，另一个门上写“仙人掌”。我完全搞不清哪个是男，哪个是女。我拦住一个路过的餐馆工作人员问：“对不起，我要上厕所，应该进哪一个门？”那个人回答说：“其实我们还是希望你用那一间。”他指着走廊那头写着“男”字的房间，接着说：“‘野马’和‘仙人掌’都是包间。”

937　Local Honey Dates Nuts 本地的宝贝约会傻瓜

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts.”

开车穿越南加州途中，我在一个卖水果、蔬菜和手工艺品的路边小摊停留。我注意到柜台后面的年轻女子正在油漆一块招牌。我问她为什么要做新的。她说：“我男朋友不同意老的那块。”我看了一眼柜台上面那块招牌才明白了。它写道：“本地产蜂蜜、枣和坚果（也可以理解为‘本地的宝贝约会傻瓜’）”。

938　Succinct 言简意赅

When I was teaching a college English class, I asked my students to describe themselves in ten words or less. The shortest answer is one word: “Succinct.”

我在大学里教英语的时候，要求学生们最多用十个字描写他们自己。最短的答案只有一个字Succinct（言简意赅）。

939　In a wreck 健康情况极差

I recently returned to work after a year abroad with the Army Reserve. On my first day back, a co-worker took me aside. “How are you?” he asked, looking concerned. “Do you feel all right?” “I’m fine,” I replied, nonplussed. “Great!” he said. “I heard that you were away from work for a year because you were in a wreck.” It took a minute before it dawned on me what he meant. “Iraq,” I said finally. “I’ve just come back from Iraq.”

和陆军预备队在海外度过一年以后，我又回来工作了。上班第一天，一个同事把我拉到一边，很关心地问我：“你好吗？没有不舒服吗？”我不知所措地回答：“挺好。”他说：“太好了。我听说你离职一年是因为健康情况极差。”我想了很久才明白他是什么意思。我说：“伊拉克。我刚从伊拉克回来。”（他把伊拉克Iraq听成了in a wreck，健康情况极差。）

940　I was Libyan 我是利比亚人

A senior in high school, and a few years away from becoming a U.S. citizen, I received a recruiting call from the Army. After listening intently to how I would have my college tuition paid for, not to mention the many benefits of serving my country, I told the officer that while I was very interested, there was one problem: I was Libyan. “That’s okay,” he answered understandingly. “We take liberals too.”

我在念高中最后一年的时候，离当美国公民还差几年。我接到从陆军招募办公室打来的电话。我仔细听他讲军队会为我付大学学费，加上为自己的国家服务的诸多好处。我告诉那位长官，我对此很感兴趣，但是有一个问题：我是利比亚人。他很理解地说：“没关系，我们也收民主党的人。”（民主党liberals和利比亚声音相近。）

941　Will it be long? 要等很久吗？

When my wife and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. My wife went up to the hostess and asked, “Will it be long?” The hostess, ignoring her, kept writing in her book. My wife again asked, “How much of a wait?” The woman looked up. “About ten minutes.” A short time later we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: “Willette B. Long, your table is ready.”

我和太太进到一家很受欢迎的餐馆的时候，里面满是人。我太太走到前面问女招待“Will it be long（要等很久吗）？”那个女招待没有理她，低头在她的本子上写。我太太又问：“要等多久？”女招待抬起头来说：“大约十分钟。”过了一会儿，我们听见喇叭里叫喊：“Willette B. Long，你们的桌子好了。”

942　Symmetric Name 对称的名字

I’m dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters. When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, “Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah.”

我得了一种病，造成部分阅读能力丧失。我和一个朋友去参加有关这种疾病的研讨会。大会发言人要求大家分享一些自己的经验。我告诉他们说，紧张会使我的情况变坏，会使字或字母的顺序颠倒。我讲完以后，我的朋友凑过来小声地说：“现在我明白了你为什么给女儿起名字叫Hannah。”

943　Skip Church 不去教堂

I work for a radio and television station owned by a Catholic university. We were quite concerned when a listener complained about our “anti-Catholic” traffic reporter. At first we didn’t have a clue what he was talking about—until we realized the on-air pseudonym our reporter used: “Skip Church.”

我所工作的广播电视台属于一家天主教大学所有。当一位听众投诉我们的“反天主教”的交通记者的时候，我们都很重视。起初我们不明白他为什么投诉，直到我们意识到我们的记者采用的笔名叫Skip Church。

944　1415 or 14:15 1415年，不是14点15分

I was working in the souvenir shop at the Canterbury Cathedral. One afternoon two tourists approached me. “Are you a monk?” one of the women asked. “No,” I explained, “I wear this robe as part of my job, but I’m not a member of any religious order.” “Then where are the monks?” asked the woman. I replied, “Oh, there haven’t been any monks here since 1415.” Hearing this, the woman looked at her watch and said to her friend, “Lisa, we missed the monks.”

我在坎特伯雷大教堂的纪念品商店工作。一天下午，两个旅游者朝我走来。其中一个妇女问我：“你是修道士吗？”我向她解释说：“我穿这件长袍是我工作的一部分。而我不信教。”那个妇女问：“那么修道士在哪里？”我回答说“噢，从1415以后这里就没有修道士了。”听到这里，她看了看手表对同伴说：“丽莎，我们错过看修道士的时间了。”

945　Notorious Notary 臭名昭著的公证员

I’m a notary public. One day, two Swedish men asked me to witness signatures on an automobile title. “I’m selling my car to this guy,” one of them explained. “We came here because we heard you were notorious.”

我是一个公证员（notary）。有一天，两个瑞典人到我这里，让我为他们的汽车过户手续作公证。其中一个向我解释说：“我要把车卖给他。我们到这里来是因为听说你是臭名昭著的（notorious）。”

946　Is she in Paine or Hacking? 她是疼痛还是干咳？

At our school the two first-grade teachers were named Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called to excuse her daughter from school. “Is she in Paine or Hacking?” I asked. “She feels fine,” said the confused mom. “We have company and I’m just keeping her home.”

在我们学校，教一年级的两个老师名字叫Paine（疼痛）小姐和Hacking（干咳）太太。一天早上，一个学生的妈妈打电话来给孩子请假。我问：“她是在Paine还是Hacking的班上（她是疼痛还是干咳）？”这个被搞糊涂的妈妈回答说：“她没有病。我们有客人来，想让她留在家里。”

947　Do you give validation? 你们给不给免费停车？

In the small, family-owned electronics store, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own. One day, after parking her car across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in. She made her purchase and then asked, “Do you give validation?” Without batting an eye, I replied, “You are an excellent person, and I love your hair.”

在我们家开的小电子商店，经常有外地来的顾客，他们所用的术语和我们的不同。有一天，一个青年女子把车停在马路对面有人看管的停车场以后走了进来。她挑完东西以后付了钱。然后问：“你们给不给确认？”我连眼睛都不眨地说：“你是一个绝顶好人，我还喜欢你的发型。”

948　Writing: For the Sell of It 为卖而写作

Writing: For the Sell of It was the theme of our community college’s annual writers’ conference. When I called a widely published author and asked him to be our keynote speaker, my request was met with a long silence. He finally said, “I don’t know what I would say to that audience.” “You’re just being modest,” I replied. “I’m sure you’re extremely qualified to speak on that subject.” He suddenly broke into laughter. “I thought you said, ‘Writing for the Celibate.’”

我们社区大学的年度作家研讨会的主题是：“Writing: For the Sell of It（为卖而写作）”。当我打电话给一位著作甚丰的作家，请他作主题演讲的时候，得到的回应却是长时间的沉默。他最后说：“我不知道对这样的听众该怎么讲。”我回答说：“你太谦虚了。我确信你是极有资格讲这个主题的。”他突然爆发出一阵大笑：“我以为你说的是‘为禁欲者写作’。”

949　New Larger Bills 新的更贵的账单

I do the water billing for a small city. Customers complained about our postcardsized bills which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before we made the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change. Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, “Is this some kind of joke?” When the customer threw his bill on the desk, I saw his point. The note was printed: “Coming Soon! New Larger Bills!”

我在一个小镇上收水费。顾客们抱怨说我们的明信片大小的账单看上去就像是垃圾邮件。所以我们决定改成用信封装的正规账单。在做改变之前一个月，我让他们在账单上印一个更改通知。两天以后，我听见有人对接待员大喊：“这是一个笑话吗？”当这个顾客把账单扔在桌子上的时候，我明白了他指的是什么。印在账单上的通知是“即将到来！新的大账单！（更贵的账单）”。

950　Duck, Duck, Goose 鸭子、鸭子、鹅

I run a kids’ clothing consignment sale twice a year called “Duck, Duck, Goose,” after the popular children’s game. I checked the local newspaper to make sure our advertisement appeared on the front page of the classifieds as I had requested. It wasn’t there. I started looking through the section, worried that it hadn’t run at all. Finally I found it in the “Livestock” listings. It was placed beneath the category titled “Poultry.”

我每年举行两次孩童衣服托卖活动，用一个很普遍的孩童游戏“鸭子、鸭子、鹅”来命名。我到当地的报纸上登广告，要求把这条广告放在分类广告的头版。但是在分类广告的头版我没有找到。我担心他们根本就没有把广告登出来，于是把全部广告都看了一遍。最后在“牲畜”栏下面的“家禽”类里面找到了。

951　Instructions for the Assembly of God 给基督徒聚会所的指令

Working as a cargo handler, I came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents. I finally realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed to a church. But at first I thought I was processing one of our company’s most momentous pieces of freight. The description read: “Instructions for the Assembly of God.”

我在处理货运的时候碰到一份特快专递，它的送货指令，特别是货物内容使我困扰：“组装上帝的指令。”开始我以为我正在处理本公司最重大的货运件。最后我才知道这是送给一个教堂的一本手册。

952　I finished off her life 我结束了她的生命

My husband is an insurance agent, and almost everyone on my side of the family uses his services. My older sister also decided to switch her policies to his company. The day he completed her paperwork, my husband proudly announced to me, “I finally finished off your sister’s tenant insurance and auto policies. And when she came to my office today,” he continued blithely, “I finished off her life.”

我丈夫是一个保险经纪人，几乎我娘家这边的每个人都用他的服务。我的姐姐也决定把她的保险都转到他的公司。做完我姐姐的书面文件以后，我丈夫骄傲地对我说：“我终于做完了你姐姐的住客保险和汽车保险。”他高兴地继续说：“今天她到我办公室来的时候，我结束了她的生命（我做完了她的人寿保险）。”

953　Are you losing your hearing? 你们有没有丧失听力？

A group of musicians who proudly labeled themselves “the loudest rock’n’ roll band.” One night, during a particularly rowdy and raucous rehearsal, the boys took a break. Rubbing one ear, the lead singer asked, “Hey, are you guys losing your hearing?” The bass player shrugged and, pointing to his forehead, replied, “Well, maybe just a little on top.”

有一群乐手骄傲地自称为“最闹的摇滚乐团”。一天晚上，在特别喧闹和沙哑的排练当中休息，领头的歌手揉着耳朵问：“你们有没有丧失听力（hearing）？”低音吉他手耸耸肩膀指着自己的前额说：“嗯，可能头顶掉一点。”（注：看来他是把hearing听成了hair。）

954　What is your position? 你的位置？你的职位？

Overheard on the marine radio a distress call to the Coast Guard from someone whose sailboat was taking on water. Coast Guard: “What is your position?” Distressed caller: “Vice president, Wall Street Bank!”

在海军陆战队电台里，听到一个向海岸卫队呼救的信号，他的帆船翻了。海岸卫队：“你的位置在哪里？”求救者：“华尔街银行副总裁。”（position：位置、职位）

955　What does ARMY stand for? 陆军ARMY是什么意思？

When my cousin joined the Marine Corps, I was already an Army officer. We two were home on leave at the same time, and had a wonderful time exchanging stories. After hearing Marine jokes too many, I asked: “Haven’t you learned what ARMY stands for?” “No, what?” “Aren’t Ready for Marines Yet.”

我表弟参加海军陆战队的时候，我已经是陆军军官了。我们俩同时休假回家，有一段美好的时间互相交换故事。听了好多海军陆战队的笑话之后，我问表弟：“你有没有听说陆军ARMY是什么意思？”“没有啊，是什么意思？”“还没有准备当海军陆战队”。

956　Floors 3, 4 and 5 have been removed 三楼、四楼、五楼已经去除

Structural and cosmetic renovations in my office building began well over two years ago, and no end is in sight. The chronic chaos moves unpredictably from floor to floor. The tenants apparently are feeling the stress. Posted in the elevator one morning was a hand-lettered warning sign left by the workmen: “Watch your step—floors 3, 4 and 5.” By lunchtime, someone had added, “have been removed.”

我们办公楼里的结构翻新和装修已经进行两年多了，还看不到什么时候可以结束。慢性的混乱不可预言地从一层向另一层蔓延。住户们明显地感觉到压力。一天早上电梯上贴了一张工人们留下的手写的警告：“小心脚下，三楼、四楼、五楼”。到吃中午饭的时候，有人又加上几个字，这就成了“小心脚下，三楼、四楼、五楼已经拆除”。

957　Does this Jim have a last name? 你这个吉姆姓什么？

Before setting off on a business trip, I called the hotel where I’d be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel operator’s sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it. “We have over 300 guests at this facility,” she said. “Does this Jim have a last name?”

我在出差以前给我要去住的旅馆打电话，问问他们是不是有gym（健身房）。旅馆接线员的叹息声带着轻度的恼怒，她说：“我们这里有三百多个旅客。你这个吉姆姓什么？”

958　Peculiar Job Description 怪异的职位描述

Looking over the job listings on website, I noticed one with a highly peculiar job description: “On rare occasions there may be a need to move or lift light articles. Examples include executive assistant, bank loan officer and accounting clerk.”

我在网页上查看招聘的职位，看到一个非常怪异的职位描述：“在少数情况下，可能需要搬动或举起一些轻的物件。例子包括主管助理、银行贷款官员和会计职员。”

959　What’s one typo? 什么是笔误？

What’s one typo? While on the staff of the University newspaper, I learned it meant a lot. I had to write a headline for an article that invited students to meet with the deans from the various schools. My contribution to the important day appeared in bold type above the stern, scholarly portraits of the academics: “Deans’ Day: Meat Heads of Departments.”

什么是笔误？当我在大学报社工作的时候，我明白了笔误可能酿成大错误。我要为一篇文章写一个大标题。这篇文章邀请学生们和来自各个学院的教务长见面。在这么多学者严肃的学术照片上面，用粗体字印出的是我的杰作：“教务长日：会见各个院系的头”。（可是因为笔误，meet变成了meat，意思就变成了“来吃各个院系的头”。）

960　He’s tied up in the vault 他被金库的事情缠住了

One morning, one of the managers of my bank entered the safe to prepare that day’s cash for the tellers. When a client called asking for him, the clerk who answered the phone let the caller know that the manager was busy. “He can’t come to the phone now,” she said. “He’s tied up in the vault.”

一天早上，我们银行的一位经理到保险库里去为出纳员准备这一天的现金。有一个顾客打电话来找他，接电话的职员告诉他这个经理正忙着。她说：“他现在不能接电话。他被绑在金库里了。”

961　Burnt Mattress 烧焦的床垫

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from. “Burnt Mattress, Arkansas,” called out the friend sitting next to me. “Burnt Mattress!” said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. “I’ve heard some unusual town names before, but never that one. Where’s it located?” My friend shot back, “Right above Hot Springs.”

坐在那里听用火安全和预防火灾课程是很容易打瞌睡的。老师为了让大家清醒，就让学员们轮流讲讲自己是从哪里来的。坐在我旁边的老兄说：“我从阿肯色州伯恩特·梅特来斯（烧焦的床垫）来。”老师忍住了大笑说：“烧焦的床垫！我以前听说过一些不寻常的城市名字，不过从来没听见过这个。它在哪里？”我旁边的老兄大喊说：“就在浩特·斯普林（热的弹簧垫）上面。”（注：弹簧床垫分上下两层，上面一层叫mattress，下面一层叫springs box。）

962　I thought I wanted a tattoo 我以为我需要一个刺青

I thought I wanted a tattoo, so I had a friend come with me to the tattoo parlor. As I nervously paused outside the door, I noticed the T had slipped off their sign. Now it read “Creative ouch.”

我以为我需要一个刺青，就让一个朋友陪我到刺青专门店去。正当我在门外犹豫不决的时候，发现他们招牌上一个字母T掉了。“创造性的功力（Creative Touch）”变成了“创造性的啊哟（Creative ouch）”。

963　There’s no I in team! 团队里面没有我！

“There’s no I in team!” How many times have you heard that? If you took my friend’s sales training course, you heard it plenty. But he stopped repeating it after one trainee reminded him, “Maybe there’s no I in team, but there’s definitely an m and an e.”

“团队里面没有我（I）。”这句话你听说过多少次了？如果你参加我朋友的销售培训课的话，你会听到很多次。但是有一个受训者提醒他说：“team里面或许是没有I，但却确确实实有m和e（me也是我）。”从那以后，我那朋友再也不重复那句话了。

964　A Different Meaning 另外一种意思

I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large dog on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building, a bank official answered, “Yes, provided he doesn’t make a deposit.”

我在银行的时候，一个男子牵着一条相当大的狗进来。他问是不是可以把他的宠物带进建筑物。银行的工作人员说：“可以，只要他不make a deposit。”（make a deposit的意思通常是“存款”，但这里是“随地大小便”。）

965　Shake machine broken 摇机器坏

The milk shake machine at the fast-food restaurant was broken, so I had an assistant post a sign on the drive-through speaker. A short time later, a customer pulled up to the speaker. “May I take your order?” I asked. “Crash, boom, bang!” came the response. I asked the customer to pull around. “Were you pounding on the speaker?” I asked the driver. “Yes, I was,” she admitted. “Why would you do that?” “Because the sign on the speaker said ‘Shake Machine Broken.’”

快餐店的摇牛奶机坏了，我让助理到免下车售货的喇叭那里去贴一个条。过了不一会儿，一个顾客到喇叭那里停下来。我问：“你要订购什么？”只听那边“哐、哐、哐”一顿乱砸。我让那个顾客过来。我问：“刚才是你砸的喇叭吗？”她承认说：“是的。”“你为什么要那么干？”“因为喇叭上贴的条说‘摇机器坏’。”

966　Foot 脚，英尺

The test I gave my math class covered everything we’d studied all year—fractions, percentages and portions of whole units. But maybe I could have explained things a little better. To the question “What portion of a foot is six inches?” one student answered, “The toes?”

我给我的数学课学生的考试题涵盖了一年之内学到的全部内容：小数、百分数、分数。不过，也许我应该把事情再解释得更清楚一点。因为对于一道题目“一英尺的几分之几等于六英寸？”一个学生的答案是：“脚趾头？”（foot：脚，英尺）

967　No load too large or too small 不论大小

Scanning the phone book for a garbage collection service, I came across one that clearly wasn’t afraid to tackle any job. Their ad read: “Residential hauling. All types of junk removed. No load too large or too small. Garages, basements, addicts.”

在电话号码簿上查找收垃圾服务，我看到一家无论什么活来者不拒的公司。他们的广告说：“住家拖运。运走任何种类垃圾，不论大小。车库、地下室、有瘾的人。”

968　Which denomination? 什么面额？什么教派？

A customer stepped up to my window at the bank. “I would like some U.S. savings bonds, please,” she said. “Which denomination?” I replied. “Christian.”

我们银行的一位顾客走到我的窗口前说：“我要买一些美国政府储蓄债券。”我问：“什么面额？”“基督教。”（denomination：教派，货币面额）

969　A New Title 一个新职位

The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news: I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning. Of course I was excited, but that didn’t stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research. “Why?” the chairman asked. “Because,” I said, “I don’t want to be known as VP of CRAP!”

我们公司的董事长让我到他的办公室，并且告诉我一个好消息：我被提拔为“公司研究与计划副总裁”。虽然我很兴奋，仍然要求他把我的职位改成“公司计划与研究副总裁”。董事长问我为什么。我说：“公司研究与计划的缩写是CRAP（粪便）。”

970　Change road sign 改路牌

Our bumpy, potholed street had no outlet, and a sign reading “Not a through street” was posted at its entrance. For years I watched through my window as cars rumbled down the battered roadway. One day I looked outside and was delighted to see that a crew had finally been dispatched to do the repaving. When the job was done, one worker walked over to our road sign and covered up a couple of letters by a piece of tape. The sign now reads “Not a rough street.”

我们这条坑坑洼洼的街道是一条死胡同。在它的入口处钉了一块牌子，写着“Not a through street（此路不通，不是能通过的街道）”。许多年来我一直看着汽车轰隆隆地在崎岖不平的路上开过。一天，我很高兴地看到有一队人马分散开来，做重铺路面的工作。当工作完成以后，一个工人走到我们的路牌那里，用胶带盖住两个字母。这块牌子现在读起来是“Not a rough street（不是坑坑洼洼的街道）”。

971　Sir Charge 军官附加费

At the canteen on base, we sold snacks, coffee and soda for 25 cents. One night, we decided to charge officers 50 cents. It was explained away as a “Sir charge.”

在我们军事基地的食堂里，点心、咖啡和软饮料售价25美分。一天晚上，我们决定把卖给军官的价格调高到50美分。人们把它解释为“军官附加费”。（注：Sir charge和surcharge附加费同音。Sir是对军官的尊称。）

972　Infantry and Infants 步兵和婴儿

My Marine buddy and I met two nursing students. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was. Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, “We admire any man who works with infants.”

我和我在海军陆战队的朋友碰到两个护士学生。听到我们俩是步兵，两个姑娘看起来很感动，面带笑容地说那有多么甜美。由于很少听到把步兵和甜美放在同一个句子里，我有点发懵，直到一个姑娘说：“我们钦佩所有和婴儿一起工作的男人。”

973　They’re looking for the elevator 他们是在找电梯

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple, who had just checked in after a long flight, came by and asked me where the lift was. “Go down this hall,” I told them, “out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block and you’ll see it on your right.” Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. “They’re from England,” he said. “I think they’re looking for the elevator.”

我是豪华度假村的看门人，经常有人来问我关于滑雪设施的问题。有一天，有一对经过长途飞行刚住进度假村的夫妇问我升降机在哪里。我告诉他们：“沿这走廊往前，出那个门，经过游泳池，再往前走二百码，就看见升降机在你们的右手边了。”他们疲倦的脸上突然看上去更加筋疲力尽了。这时候，他们后面有人说话：“他们是从英国来的。我想他们是在找电梯。”

974　Compound Interest 复利

Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my students approached me in the hallway. “You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday,” he said. “I realized I’ve been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years.”

我在一个小的社区大学教基础数学。我把这门课的一部分称为在现实生活中的实际运用。在我教完单利和复利这一课的第二天，一个学生在门廊里追上我说：“昨天你真的给我的生活上了一堂课。让我明白，这30年来我一直过着缺乏兴趣、天天恶化的生活。”（interest：利息、兴趣；compound：复合、恶化）

975　He’s in Persia, golfing 他在波斯，打高尔夫球

My husband was a Navy chaplain deployed to the Persian Gulf at the end of Desert Storm. I did everything possible to ensure that our three young children wouldn’t be worried about their father being in danger. It wasn’t always easy, but I knew I’d succeeded when someone at church asked our three-year-old where his dad was. My son replied, “He’s in Persia, golfing.”

我的丈夫是一个海军随军牧师，在沙漠风暴的末尾被送往波斯湾。我尽我所能使我的三个年幼的孩子不要为他们的爸爸的安危担忧。这不容易做到，但当我听到我儿子说的话，我知道我成功了。教堂里有人问我三岁的儿子爸爸在哪里，他回答说：“他在波斯，打高尔夫球。”

976　Reserve 保留，预备役

Reservists like myself always had a hard time parking on base, as most spaces were set aside for the brass. My wife never had this problem. I finally found out why after she drove me to the PX and parked in a space marked “Reserved.” “See?” she said. “Just look at all the spaces they’ve set aside for you Reserves.”

像我这样的预备役军官是很难在基地里找到停车位的，因为大多数停车位都指定给高级军官了。我太太却没有这个问题。最后我发现了原因。她送我到军人商店，把车停在有Reserved字样的停车位上。她说：“你瞧，给你们预备役军官留了那么多停车位。”（reserve保留，预备役）

977　Crow and Raven 乌鸦和渡鸦

During a hike with my friend I noticed a black bird roosting in a nearby tree. “I’ve always wondered what the difference is between a crow and a raven,” I said. “You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings,” my friend explained. “If there are four, it’s a crow. If it’s five, it’s a raven.” “Really?” I said, although I knew he didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. “Oh yes,” he replied, “it’s just a matter of a pinion.”

我和朋友在一起远足，看见一只黑鸟栖息在附近一棵树上。我说：“我一直搞不清乌鸦和渡鸦之间有什么区别。”我的朋友解释说：“你要数翅膀上的大毛。如果是四根毛，就是乌鸦。如果是五根毛，就是渡鸦。”虽然我知道他是在胡说八道，我还是说：“真的吗？”他说：“对呀，这只是一种大毛（观点）。”（a pinion（大毛）和opinion（观点）同音。）

978　What genre? 什么文学题材？

While I was checking my e-mail, an instant message popped up on my screen, obviously sent to me in error. I chatted briefly with the sender, and it became clear we were both writers. “What genre?” I asked. The sender wrote back, “I’m female.”

我正在查电子邮件的时候，屏幕上蹦出一个即时的信息，显然是误发给我的。我和发信人简单聊了几句，发现我们俩都是作家。我问她：“什么文学题材？”回答：“我是女性。”（对方误以为是问什么gender，性别）

979　I’m in my first trimester 我是在怀孕三个阶段的第一阶段

Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look. “Taking a little break,” I explained. “I’m in my first trimester.” “Really?” he said. “What’s your major?”

我怀着第三个孩子，受到一阵晨吐的困扰，躺在客厅的大沙发上休息一下。就在这时，一个在我家搞修理的工人从旁边走过。他好奇地看了我一眼。我解释说：“稍微休息一下，我是在trimester第一阶段。”他说：“真的吗？什么专业？”（trimester：一年三学期的一个学期，怀孕的三个阶段）

980　Fitzwater is not water Fitzwater 不是一种饮料

My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, “Excuse me. Aren’t you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?” “Yes, I am,” he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us. As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, “Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?” “I’m not sure about that,” she replied, “but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar.”

我和太太正在一家上流社会的餐厅吃午饭，注意到邻桌有一张熟悉的脸。我鼓足勇气问：“你是以前的白宫新闻秘书Marlin Fitzwater吗？”他承认说：“是我。”并且非常和蔼地停下他的午餐，和我们交谈。在我们要离开餐厅的时候，我对女招待说：“你知不知道你们平台上有Marlin Fitzwater？”她回答说：“这个我不清楚。不过我们酒吧里有Perrier和Evian。”（Perrier和Evian是名牌矿泉水。女招待以为Fitzwater也是一种什么水。）

981　Lisa knows karaoke 丽莎会唱卡拉OK

One evening as the manager was leaving, I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night. “Oh, you’ll be fine,” he said with a wave of his hand. “If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn them that Lisa knows karaoke.”

一天晚上，正当我们的经理要回家的时候，我对他说晚上只留两个女人在这里工作不安全。他一边挥舞一只手，一边说：“你们会没事的。如果看到有可疑的人，就警告他们丽莎会唱卡拉OK。”（把空手道karate说成karaoke。）

982　Are you ambulatory? 你是能走动的吗？

The phone by my hospital bedside was driving me crazy. Every hour or so it would ring. Because I was recovering from hip surgery, I couldn’t reach it. Around midnight, it started ringing again. I noticed the light was on behind one curtain in my four-bed ward. “Excuse me,” I called out. “Are you ambulatory?” “No,” the answer came back. “I’m Mike.”

我的病床旁边的电话每隔一个来小时就响一次，简直要把我弄得发疯。我做了臀部手术还没有恢复，因此就够不到电话机。大约午夜时分，电话铃声又响起来了。我看到我们四人病房中隔着布帘有一盏灯亮着。我就喊他：“对不起，你是能走动的吗？”对方回答说：“不是。我是麦克。”

983　Hominy? 玉米片粥吗？

When a friend came to visit us from Philadelphia, it took him a while to get used to our Southern foods and accents. One morning we were having breakfast at a local diner and he ordered an egg platter that came with grits. “Hominy?” inquired our waitress. “Just two,” he replied.

一个朋友从费城来看我们，对于我们南方的食物和口音都不太适应。一天早上，我们一起到小饭店吃早餐，他点了摊鸡蛋和麦片。女招待问：“玉米片粥吗？”他回答说：“两个。”（把hominy听成了how many）

984　Free Zucchini 解放西葫芦

After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash, I took a half-dozen to the office. I piled them on the table in the break room, and posted a sign advertising them as free. The next day I noticed an addition to my sign. Below “Free Zucchini,” someone had written “Save the Whales.”

我家的西葫芦获得大丰收，带了半打到办公室去。我把它们堆在休息室的桌子上，并且写上条子让大家免费享用。第二天，我看见在我写的“免费西葫芦”下面有人添了一行字：“拯救鲸鱼”。（free还有“解放”的意思。Free Zucchini可以理解为“解放西葫芦”，因而有人用“拯救鲸鱼”来应答。）

985　Our Specials 我们的特色菜

My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees, dishes like “Chicken Mickey,” after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s Ribs,” after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue. One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the name of the special we had named after our chef. Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn’t think an entree named “Salmon Ella” would go over big with our customers.

我和太太开一个餐馆。我们经常用雇员的名字来命名一些特色菜。比如“米基鸡”是用提供菜谱的洗碗人米基来命名的；“罗特排骨”是一位侍者自己风格的烤肉。一天傍晚，我又重新读了一遍菜单，决定打破这个传统，修改用我们的大厨的名字命名的特色菜。尽管她的手艺精湛、口碑甚佳，但是我不认为一道叫做“疫邋大马哈鱼”的主菜会大受顾客的青睐。（Salmonella：沙门氏菌）

986　Going into the clergy 进牧师的肚子，当牧师

A neighbor had invited some people, including our minister, over for dinner. On the menu were stuffing, peas and baked chicken. As we were eating, we were serenaded by a crowing rooster. “Listen to that rooster,” said one of the guests. Glancing at our pastor digging into his chicken, the host said, “You’d crow, too, if your child was going into the clergy.”

一位邻居邀请一些人，包括我们的牧师，去吃晚饭。食物中有烤鸡、豆以及填在鸡肚子里烤的混合食品。我们正在吃的时候，传来了雄鸡的啼鸣声。一位客人说：“听这鸡的叫声。”男主人看了一眼正在埋头吃鸡的牧师说：“如果你的孩子要进牧师的肚子，你也会哭。”（注：这是双关语，另一个意思是：“如果你的孩子要当牧师，你也会哭。”）

987　Premenstrual Syndrome 经前综合症

My company promoted a man to head the Payment Management Systems. The title on his door now reads PMS Director.

我们公司提拔了一位男士来主管工资管理系统。他的办公室门上写的他的职位是PMS主管。（PMS：Premenstrual Syndrome经前综合症）

988　Another PMS 另一个经前综合症

Every year, each employee at my company meets with his or her supervisor to review whether past goals have been met. A woman in the cubicle next to mine received an appointment time for her “Performance Management Schedule,” as it’s called, and highlighted it on her desktop calendar. “Wow! I guess everyone knows when to avoid you,” said a colleague who was passing by. Puzzled, my neighbor glanced at the calendar. She’d written: “PMS 1:00.”

在我们公司，每个雇员每年都要和他的上司面谈一次，评估在过去一年里是不是达到了预期目标，称为“业绩管理时间表”。我隔壁小间的女同事接到她上司通知的面谈时间，就写在她的台历上。一个从旁边经过的同事说：“哇，我想每个人都知道什么时候不要惹你。”我这位邻居有点发懵，直到她看见自己在台历上写的PMS 1:00。

989　Dolt 笨蛋，傻瓜

The first thing I did after being hired as the Director of Learning Technology at a high school was to change the sign outside my door—the one that had my name followed by the acronym DOLT.

我被一所高中聘请为“学习技巧指导”以后所做的第一件事，就是把我办公室门上的牌子换掉。那块牌子上，我的名字后面跟着缩写字母DOLT。（dolt：笨蛋、傻瓜）

990　Retain 保留，挡住

The mini-uprising resulted when the boss threatened to end our weekly delivery of bottled water. She eventually backed down. But in defusing the situation, she caused mass confusion when she announced, “I am happy to report we can retain water.”

老板扬言要取消每星期送来的瓶装水激起了一股小骚动。最后她让步了。但是，在平息骚动的同时，她的话引起了更多的困惑：“我高兴地报告：我们可以retain水了。”（retain：保留、挡住）

991　A Person Who Has No Life 一个没有生活（生命）的人

My friend wanted to buy her workaholic boss a special gift and came to me for suggestions. All of suggestions, she said, weren’t quite right. Frustrated, she asked, “What do I get for a person who has no life?” “How about a nice urn?” I replied.

我的朋友想给她的工作狂上司买一件特别的礼物，就来问我有什么建议。我所有的建议她都说不对。她沮丧地问我：“对于一个没有生活的人，我要送他什么呢？”我回答说：“送他一个好看的骨灰盒怎么样？”

992　You’re the man who needs a shower 你就是那个要淋浴的男人

In search of a new shower, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store. We discussed our needs in detail with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion. Later my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young woman was working as a waitress. As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear, “Hey, you’re the man who needs a shower.”

为了寻找一套新的淋浴设备，我和太太到一家盥洗用品商店去。我们和一位年轻的女售货员谈论了我们的详细要求。由于那家店快关门了，我们只好草草结束我们的讨论。后来，我和太太一起到一家餐馆，看到那个女售货员在那里当女招待。当她从我们桌子旁边经过的时候，她突然认出了我们，她对我说：“嘿，你就是那个要shower的男人！”她的声音那么响，周围几张桌子的人都听见了。（shower：淋浴，淋浴设备）

993　The copier was jammed 复印机卡纸了

The copier was jammed. But a sign stated “only qualified key operators” could open it. These key operators were tough to track down, leading one frustrated worker to write on the sign: “Jammed if you do, jammed if you don’t.”

复印机卡纸了。可是一张告示上写着，“只有合格的关键操作人员”才可以打开机器。这些关键操作人员又很难找到。这就导致一个生气的工人在这张告示上写了：“如果去找人，你就生气；如果不去找人，复印件就卡纸。”

994　iud4u 给你子宫内避孕器

With five kids at home and one more on the way, I wasn’t quite sure what to think when I was assigned the following password for my computer at work: “iud4u.”

有五个孩子在家里，第六个也快来了。我看到公司给我的电脑指定的密码“iud4u”的时候，真不知道该想什么。（IUD：intrauterine device，子宫内避孕器）

995　Singed 轻度烧伤

The fire department received from the headquarters the official forms used for inspecting equipment. We noticed that under the signature line, someone had mistakenly typed “Singed.”

消防队收到从总部寄来的检查设备时候用的正式表格。我们注意到，在签名这条线的下面，signed被错印成singed（轻度烧伤）。

996　Four Skunks 四只臭鼬

My thick Southern accent is often a source of miscommunication. One night while driving through base housing, I saw four skunks crossing the road. The next day I told my supervisor what I saw. “So did you get Tom Hanks’ autograph?” he asked. “Excuse me?” I said, puzzled. “Didn’t you say you saw Forrest Gump in base housing last night?”

我的浓厚的南方口音常常引起误会。一天晚上，我开车经过基地住房区的时候看到四只臭鼬从路上走过。第二天早上我把看见的告诉我的上司。他问：“那你拿到汤姆·汉克斯的签名了吗？”我发懵了：“什么？”“你不是说你昨天晚上在基地住房区看见阿甘正传了吗？”（四只臭鼬four skunks被听成了Forrest Gump阿甘正传）

997　Mike’s my nickname 麦克是我的外号

I work in a computer support center for a large auto-parts distributor. When I came back from lunch one day, I had a message to call a customer named Bubba at a parts store in Texas. A man answered, “Auto Parts. This is Mike.” “May I speak to Bubba?” I asked. “That’s me,” he replied. “Mike’s my nickname.”

我在一个大型汽车配件批发商的电脑辅助中心工作。一天，我吃完午饭回来，看到一张条子让我打电话给德州一个零件商店的顾客布巴。一个男人接电话：“汽车零件，我是麦克。”我说：“我找布巴。”他说：“我就是。麦克是我的外号。”

998　Black and Gus 布莱克和嘎斯

A livestock truck overturned in my town, and the accident made the local news. The young reporter who covered the story declared on camera, “Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into nearby woods.” At the studio there was muffled laughter as they cut to a commercial. After the break, the reporter sheepishly added, “About that overturned truck-make those Black Angus cattle.”

一辆运送牲畜的卡车在我们小镇上翻了车，这个事故成了当地新闻。报道这个故事的年轻播音员在摄像机面前宣称：“两头牛，布莱克和嘎斯逃进了附近的树林里。”节目切换到广告去以后，在演播厅里有人掩住嘴在笑。广告结束后，年轻播音员不好意思地更正说：“关于刚才运送牲畜的卡车的事，应该是黑色安嘎斯奶牛。”

999　Speech Recognition 语音识别

Our clinic implemented a speech recognition program. Some kinks remain, as you’ll see by the following examples of what the physician dictated versus what the program recognized: “He has a very good cholesterol. /He is a vertical toy.” “Mom admits that when he was younger she spoiled him. /Mom admits when he was younger she boiled him.” “She is here with her husband. /She is here with her has-been.”

我们诊所采用的一个语音识别软件还存在一些缺陷。下面是医嘱和记录的对比：

He has a very good cholesterol./He is a vertical toy.

Mom admits that when he was younger she spoiled him./Mom admits when he was younger she boiled him.

She is here with her husband./She is here with her has-been.

1000　Howard be thy name… 霍华德是你的名字

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.

“Welcome!” he says. “Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance.” “Okay,” says the blonde. “Here’s your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T.” “That’s easy. Today and tomorrow!” “Well, that’s not the answer I was thinking of, but I’ll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?” “That’s easy. Twelve! January second, February second, March second…” “Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What’s God’s name?” “That’s easy. Howard!” “Howard?” “You know… Our Father, which art in heaven, Howard be thy name…”

一个金发女郎死后到了珍珠门，圣彼得向她致意：“欢迎。因为我们现在已经99%满员，所以我们只能让有限的灵魂进天堂。你必须正确地回答我的几个问题才能进来。”金发女郎说：“行。”“这里是你的问题：说出一星期里哪两天是由字母T开始的。”“这很容易，今天和明天。”“嗯，这不是我要的答案。不过我可以问你另外一个问题：一年有多少秒？”“这很容易，12个。一月二日，二月二日，三月二日……”“得了，得了。我看这个问题你也理解错了。再给你最后一次机会：上帝的名字叫什么？”“这很容易，霍华德。”“霍华德？”“我们在天上的父，霍华德是你的名字（圣经，主祷文。应该是Hallowed be thy name愿尊你的名为圣）。”